The Critical Tribune | Issue 01

Albany Cafe to start adding coffee to their coffees

In a bold move, Albany Cafe has announced a radical change to the recipe of their brown coffee-style caffeinated liquid, which will for the first time incorporate authentic ground-up coffee beans, grown from actual trees. “It was a bit of a risky call,” said a spokesperson, “but our customers were demanding something fresh and organic that contained coffee.”


Impoverished man convinces self that he actually doesn’t mind the taste of Double Brown

Commerce student Dan Marlow totally reckons he likes Double Brown. “Yeah it’s pretty good, honestly. Goes down a treat if it’s super cold. Tastes the same as pretty much any other beer.” Despite talking a big game, Marlow was later seen snooping around and scabbing a Speight’s out of his mate’s 24 box.


Tourism student introduces herself by saying she’s “Studying Commerce”

Local tourism student Alice Gibbons has managed to introduce herself to a new acquaintance without specifically mentioning the embrarassing subject she majors in. “Yeah, I’ve always just been interested in commerce. Money, numbers, the economy.” Newly introduced friend-of-a-friend Mack Janes says he was initially convinced she was studying a proper subject, but worked out the truth when he saw her repeatedly trying to pull a door clearly marked push.


“I know my rights!” screams first year law student as Campus Watch carries him away

Oh boy, these dumb-ass pigs really messed up this time. Officers Green and Kirkpatrick thought they were arresting just another garden-variety drunk-and-disorderly offender, but they royally fucked up; John Farnham is enrolled in Laws101 and he knows his rights. “You can’t do this, I’m making a citizen’s arrest!” he screamed as he was being taken away. “This goes against the Magna Carta and ejusdem generis!”

This article first appeared in Issue 1, 2018.
Posted 4:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic.