Critic Blind Date | Bazza and Shazza

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails.

If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email



I applied for the Critic blind date one night when I was absolutely written off, and I thought it would be a good idea to throw my name in the mixer. On my application I said I was interested in a fit, rich Auckland bird with decent bants. When the night came around I was pleasantly surprised to find out my date was exactly what I had asked for except she was from Timaru. Never been there, but heard there’s not really anything there worth writing home to your mum about. One of my big worries going into the night was that my date was going to be one of those vegan types. That would’ve had the potential to be quite awkward, as I am a carnivore and don’t really enjoy the whole vegan/carnivore conversation. The way I see it is if animals didn’t want to be eaten then they wouldn’t be made of food. Anyway, she was a vegetarian which I suppose isn’t too bad.

But back to the date. I thought it would be rude to turn up sober, so I had a few quiets beforehand with the boys just to get a bit of confidence in me. I turned up at exactly 7:30 and my date showed up ‘fashionably late’ (bit rude). However, she looked amazing and the date ended up going really well, we spent our $100 tab on a meal each and a few drinks. There was some decent chat going backwards and forwards and no awkward silences which is always good. We finished up with the date and were having a good time so we decided to head over to Vault 21, where I spent my entire week’s food budget on about two drinks. We were both pretty messy at this point so we decided to call it a night. The night ended with her almost falling off her balcony and we both headed our separate ways (in the morning). Overall, great night with great company. Thanks to Critic for sorting it all out, much love x



Awkward, boring, unattractive, rude, short and sleazy.

Thank fuck my date was none of the above. Conversely, three boxes were instantly ticked on my list of ideal features for a mate: British accent, rugby player, and studying a degree which could come in handy in the not-so-unlikely event that I end up in jail. Not to mention his incredible vertical dimension; I’d say about 9.5 inches. Wowsers.

Also pleasing was that he wasn’t anywhere near as drunk as I was when I turned up (or should I say turnt up?) at the date: this guy actually had a bit of class.

Alas, it wasn’t all perfect, a major flaw being he was so damn nice. Which, obviously, meant I wasn’t madly in love at first sight, ‘cause this girl is fairly used to falling for assholes.

Despite my intoxication levels already being a cause for alarm, I ordered and downed my first drink within about two minutes of my arrival. Told ya, no class.

Naturally, I happened to order the sloppiest meal on the menu (to coordinate with my sloppy behaviour) but he didn’t seem to mind me dripping all over the place (lol). When we polished off the bar tab it was decided that we weren’t sick of each other just yet, so it was off to the octy for another few rounds of drinks and some more of the good chat that was being thrown around. Turns out we have a few mutual friends and interests, which made for a fairly easy connection.

The memories get a tad blurry after that, but I definitely remember making it home for an awesome sleep. Until I had to wake up for an 8 am start at 7:15 am and discovered I was still drunk. Which is just embarrassing really; my 5th Dunners O-Week and I’m still up to the usual old tricks. What’s worse is that the class was on medical emergencies, so I can only pray that no one ever dies in my arms since I was far too dusty to take any notes.

The old social media add was exchanged and I’d be surprised if things were already at a dead end. That is to say, not all hope is lost despite discovering his life-time membership to Who knows, there might even be some more dates to come for us, and he may not need that subscription anymore,


This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2018.
Posted 5:08pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Critic.