Food Review: Sealord Canned Tuna

Food Review: Sealord Canned Tuna

Sealord Canned Tuna Is a Very Polarising Substance

Sealord Canned Tuna is a very polarising substance.

At 15 grams of protein, it’s the go-to protein source for beef-cake gym junkies who are poor, and people who claim to be vegetarian, “except when I’m pissed, hungover or stoned bro”. Honestly, if you’re not one of those things at least 20% of the time you’re not doing uni right.

Since you can pick these babies up for as little as one dollar a can, they’re a staple for any impoverished student. They also require little meal preparation; the only skill required as a precursor to their consumption is proficient can opening. Sadly that often proves too difficult for most commerce students, even with that little gimp handle thing on the top that you can wedge open with a knife. Ah well, natural selection.

Sealord Tuna Cans also have a “dolphin friendly” logo on them, which has pictures of dolphins majestically swimming about. But what does “dolphin friendly” actually mean? When Sealord was contacted for comment they said “we send down Greenpeace hippies in scuba gear to go and make friends with the dolphins,” presumably before they haul them onto their ships and cut them up. To be frank, if anyone actually believes that canned tuna is “dolphin friendly” then they are as blind as Russell McVeagh’s PR team.

The tuna itself, which is definitely an animal for those ‘vegetarians’ who ‘didn’t know,’ comes in all sorts of different flavours. These flavours are a good example of the fusion movement that’s taken the culinary world by storm in recent years. They range from the oriental, to the exotic to the just plain fucking whack. Smoked is great if you want to pretend you can actually afford smoked salmon. Satay is not great. In fact it’s physically repulsive, like the notion of Crusher Collins as Prime Minister (better luck next time, Judith).

A typical can of tuna also contains 24% water, so arguably you get what you pay for. They also contain 60% mercury, which is excreted from Japanese whaling ships in an attempt to completely destroy all sea life.

All in all, eating Sealord Canned Tuna is like being a fifth year and pulling a first year; unethical as fuck, but still strangely satisfying.


Smells like: The factory in Thailand where they are canned; child labour and dead fish.

Tastes: Surprisingly good, with notes of suffering, dolphin, and pollution.

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2018.
Posted 5:01pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by David Emanuel.