Archive

Lucky in Love | Beverley & Stuttering Bill

Posted 12:57pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Beverley The night began encouragingly with my friends telling me that my hair in the wind made me look like Pennywise from It. On that note, they dropped me off at the Bog. I walked in and started chatting to the bar staff, discovering they have seen many an interesting night go down. Hoping my Read more...

The Hell Hole | The Nightmare

Posted 12:47pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joel MacManus

I joined the Young Nats to stop this nightmare. I waved placards at cars, I knocked on doors, I spammed my friends on Facebook until they all blocked me. It wasn’t enough. The day after the election, Dear Leader Jacinda took her oath of office. The red curtain fell. Taxes were raised to Read more...

Tui Is The Worst Beer in New Zealand

Posted 12:35pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tui is a scourge upon our entire society. Fuck Tui. It looks and tastes like Speight’s with a little bit of poo mixed in. It’s exactly the same as every other generic NZ Draught style beer, but somehow manages to be worse. On the nose, I detect subtle notes of wet dog and semen. It Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Could Tu-Not?

Posted 12:24pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, There’s this guy who eats tuna in the main library every day I am studying in there. It stinks and really distracts me from studying. I can’t stand it! Library studier   Ethel says The library works hard to provide an environment which is Read more...

Sage Advice | Exams: A Journey into Hades, Examined by the Beast

Posted 12:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” - Florence Nightingale   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I’m shitting bricks about exams. What are some tips on how to do well in an exam?” Thank you for the question. There is an old saying Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Water

Posted 11:00am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

5/5 Things that wouldn’t exist without water: Umbrellas, plumbing, teapots, straws, flippers, periscopes, gutters, islands, sprinklers, water slides, urinals, water fights, water balloons, lifeguards, beaches, icebergs, flippers, saunas, aqueducts, washing powder, surf boards, ice Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 25

Posted 10:11am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week we would like to devote all our space (and most of the Facts and Figures space as well) to addressing the ODT’s cryptic and eye catching post-election image. Interestingly, the ODT decided to avoid any specific reference to Game of Thrones in the picture; presumably to throw Read more...

Editorial | Coalition Negotiations Aside, We Must Not Forget the Important Issues of the Election

Posted 9:20am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joe Higham

What the (provisional) election results reveal, apart from the fact that very few people seem to understand how the Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) voting system works, is that much of New Zealand remains uncomfortable confronting the severity, or even the existence in some cases, of the problems we Read more...

Science Tank | RIP Cassini

Posted 2:33pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

A planet named after the Roman god of time, renewal and liberation seems a fitting final resting place for our lovely friend Cassini-Huygens, whose life was spent furthering astronomical knowledge and the liberation of truth from a far-flung part of our small star system in this abyssal ocean of Read more...

Hapsburg Absinthe is a Freight Train to A & E

Posted 2:28pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Hapsburg Absinthe is a fucking crisis in a bottle. It makes Hurricane Irma look like a gentle breeze. Absinthe burns like the spray I get from the cricket club’s 4th XI opening bowler when I drop a sitter at mid-on. Absinthe is the end of the road, binge drinking’s natural finale. Read more...

Sage Advice | The Funny Numbers

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Numbers are the highest degree of knowledge. They are knowledge themselves.” - Plato   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I'm at a quandary: which is the funnier number, 420 or 69?” Thanks for another great question. 69 and 420 are the funny numbers. Read more...

Lucky in Love | Etad & Dnilb

Posted 2:15pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   ETAD Across the road from the bog I stood like a dear in the headlights. I’m not one to Read more...

The Hell Hole | Worm

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Anon

There was a tiny dot on the end of my nose; a single pore with a pinprick of yellow gunk. I scratched it, then, when it didn’t move, I squeezed it. A tiny tiny worm arced out and plonked its weeny yellow head onto the skin on my nose. A teeny pore-worm. Nice. The worm was wriggling. It Read more...

Poetry Corner | Woooajhhhaohahahapahaahshoooahhh

Posted 2:05pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Brennan Gale

This is the time to strike, the time for us to be reborn, a native imbalance, restoring the faith of our past. Once again, we've failed, failed to reinvigorate our retinas, failed to reach the desired result. We were once great, now we're shredded, dreaded, beheaded. Thoughtless opinions, Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Issue 24

Posted 12:49pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Penicillin (1/5)  Helps people live longer and prolong the misery of existence. Also, misleadingly does not contain pencils.   Sex (1.5/5) Too much tiring effort.   The Wheel (3.5/5) Rolls pretty well. Not much use for other things.   Boats Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Student allowances and living costs

Posted 11:31am Sunday 24th September 2017 by David Clark

Michael Woodhouse National is committed to supporting students with the costs associated with tertiary study. A tertiary education is a major investment, not just for you as students, but for New Zealand as a country. New Zealand has one of the most generous student support systems in the Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 24

Posted 11:16am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Good morning, ODT. That’s lovely ODT. Well done.   This week the ODT has decided to start a column on how hard different South Island towns are. Next week, Greymouth goes the gym, drinks whatever alcohol Swilliam is reviewing, and then beats someone Read more...

Editorial | Podcasts

Posted 10:30am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lucy Hunter

After all the complaints we received about last week’s editorial, I’d like to say at the outset that this editorial represents the views of Critic, Radio One, everybody at OUSA, the university staff, and the entire student population of Dunedin. By reading this, you must agree with Read more...

Sage Advice | Politics

Posted 2:37pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Be prepared, there is a small chance that our horrendous leadership could unknowingly lead us into World War III.” - Donald J. Trump, @realDonaldTrump “Tweets on Winston Peters NZ Politician” - Winston Peters, @winstonpeters   It’s that time again, Read more...

Lucky in Love | The Macarena & I’m Blue

Posted 2:34pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   The Macarena After ceremonially downing three gin and tonics at my flat I found myself sat in Read more...

Science Tank | Einstein

Posted 2:29pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

“When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.” - Albert Einstein   This guy kind of needs no introduction but, while most people know that he Read more...

No One Over 20 Should Still Be Drinking KGB

Posted 1:51pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

This lovely wee drop is responsible for more lost virginities than the Year 13 ball. It’s incredibly fizzy and sweet; it’s a gorgeous treat. It can be a real gamble though, if you seriously miscalculate how much you need to drink in a space of time, you’ll just get pumped up on Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Small Town Tosser Poison recipe

Posted 1:44pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde I’ve been dating this guy for eight months and I think I love him. But last weekend my best friend told me that she saw him in Dunedin kissing another girl at a party when he was meant to be out of town with his friends. I believe her, she is one of my best friends. When Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Metareviews

Posted 12:58pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

0/5 Metareviews are reviews about reviews and they suck. Their primary purpose is to painfully expose that what the reader is reading has been constructed by someone. Theoretically there is a point behind being meta; someone can try to expose that their own work is constructed in order to make Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (September 18-24)

Posted 12:52pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic

The line-up of wonderful celebratory days this week is something worth celebrating in itself!   Monday 18 September – Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day Sometimes there’s really no better way of expressing your feelings than how they are already written in a greeting card. Read more...

ODT Watch | Wedding Edition

Posted 11:29am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week we journey hand-in-hand into the wonder that is the ODT Wedding Guide. Hell, yes!   No matter what you do, do NOT let any women speak at your wedding They’ll only gossip, nag, and tell everybody that they don’t want to be there and are being sold by Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Housing

Posted 11:14am Sunday 17th September 2017 by David Clark

Michael Woodhouse Buying a home is often the single biggest purchase a person makes in their lifetime and National is committed to working hard to ensure more New Zealanders are able to own their own home. The most difficult hurdle to overcome for first home buyers is pulling together the Read more...

Editorial | Critic’s View on the General Election: Labour Is the Option For Us

Posted 10:23am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic

Disclaimer: This endorsement is the view of Critic Magazine and was in no way solicited by the Labour Party or any person affiliated with it. It represents the editorial views of the magazine and no one else. At the outset of this editorial, we admit that endorsements of political parties are an Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (September 11-17)

Posted 2:07pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Critic

​ Did you know that September is Happy Cat Month? A cause for celebration if ever there was one!   Monday 11 September – No News is Good News Day With all this stressful news of war and climate change and Trump and the general election (please vote), it’s important Read more...

Lucky in Love | Bill & Jacinda

Posted 1:53pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Bill I was filled with optimism when I found out that I was accepted to do the blind date. I Read more...

Fluoride is Fine and We Can't Believe That Has to Be Said

Posted 1:39pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Conspiratorial people love to claim that the government adds fluoride to water and toothpaste in some dastardly plan to make us all sleepy slaves, helpless to resist their evil bidding. The truth, however, is far less scandalous and far more reassuring - fluoride is your friend, my friend, and Read more...

Sage Advice | How to Be a Failure but Still Swag Doe

Posted 1:30pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

This week’s question comes from another loyal reader: “How can I cope with failure?” Thanks for another great question. The word ‘failure’ is such a loaded term. It carries a lot of negative and unnecessary connotations. I prefer phrases that I’ve invented, Read more...

Cody’s Is A Court Case In A Can

Posted 1:24pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Cody’s: the official drink of obnoxious 12 year-olds getting drunk in skate parks everywhere. This has been by far the most requested drink review. These reviews are not just shit chat spun out of nowhere; they’re an intensive process. We start with a blind taste test to pick up the Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Facing a Void of the Unknown

Posted 1:19pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, I am graduating at the end of this year and I have no idea what I really want to do. I have some ideas, like doing a PGdip or working for a year and then doing some post grad, but mostly I am really confused about what’s the right thing to choose and don’t want to Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Pangolins

Posted 12:20pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

3/5 Majestic creatures of the highest rank. Hard to draw. ​   Admonishments to Chelle Fitzgerald for the silly face. There is no room for amusement in this column. Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 22

Posted 11:22am Sunday 10th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, the ODT are reporting on perhaps the best story ever. Yip, it’s a father-son fashion competition. Unfortunately, they provided a picture of a group of winners. Wow, three people wearing caps and sunglasses. What co-ordination, what elegance, what subtle Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Is the New Zealand Health Care System “the Envy of the World”?

Posted 11:10am Sunday 10th September 2017 by David Clark

David Clark The government recently told cancer sector leaders that our healthcare system is “the envy of the World”. That comment has been roundly criticised. Australians are able to access new and innovative medicines, while New Zealanders are not. They know that our cancer Read more...

Editorial | OUSA Finds Itself At a Crossroads, and It’s Down to You to Decide the Route

Posted 10:25am Sunday 10th September 2017 by Joe Higham

During the OUSA Executive Election Forums that were held last week there emerged a clear division in the ideological outlook and approach held by the candidates in the hope of bringing about institutional change. That division was between those intent on working with the university to bring about Read more...

Poetry Corner | Machinations

Posted 2:55pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Mel Ansell

Great cogs turn beneath me. The people and things around me  rotate toward and away from me,  orrerie of some incalculable gravitational  pull. If we are close - let us be close,  lock teeth. For some force is already working  against us, pushing on. The Read more...

Science Tank | Homebrewed Ginger Beer

Posted 2:52pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Equipment needed: 1 30L plastic bucket, an airlock, some sanitiser. All available for under $35 from your local homebrew store.   Recipe: Get your biggest kitchen pot. That one you use to make soup. Fill it up with water and bring to the boil. Grate up 500g of ginger root. Fresh Read more...

Lucky in Love | Edward & Bella

Posted 2:47pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Edward Where do I start? As a fifth year I’ve only ever picked up Critic for this one Read more...

Sage Advice | A Grandfather’s Wisdom

Posted 2:41pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“My grandfather was a wonderful role model. Through him I got to know the gentle side of men.” - Sarah Long   This week a loyal reader has kindly forwarded me an email from her grandad, chock-full of advice. She wishes to keep their identities secret, but I can reveal that Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Hanging Round like a Bad Smell

Posted 2:33pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, We are yet another bunch of unfortunate second years faced with the issue of a flatmate's unsavoury boyfriend. He has ruined our relationship with our flatmate, who gave him a key without our (or the landlord’s) permission. We’ve asked for his key back twice, Read more...

DB Draught is the Winston Peters of Beers

Posted 2:27pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

DB Draught is an old man’s drink. A sip on the lips is reminiscent of a hard day fucking sheep and feeding the chickens. It’s been around since before any of us could remember, and it will be around long after we die. Just like Winston Peters. If Jesus turned water into wine, then Read more...

The Hell Hole | Things that disgust me Part II

Posted 2:20pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Drinking a glass of someone else’s phlegm. Making out with your dog. Caking your open eyes in dry sand. Swallowing a whole plastic bag then pulling it out again. A couch that someone slept on for thirty years. Fish feasting on a rotten human foot. Your butt pubes and your head hair swapping. Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | The Pope

Posted 1:49pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

5/5 Great hat. Also, Popemobile. Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | What is the Best Way to Deal with Youth Offenders?

Posted 11:10am Sunday 3rd September 2017 by David Clark

David Clark Over the past few weeks there has been discussion about youth offending, and how New Zealand can address it. The difference in approach between National and Labour on this issue could not be clearer. The current government has announced that they will set up army-run boot camps for Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 21

Posted 11:02am Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, the ODT is reporting on something that will revolutionise agriculture. Just imagine a future where humans are able to grow crops. Close your eyes and imagine. Just imagine.   Next, the ODT has finally lost the ability to tell young people (people under the age Read more...

Editorial | Bring About Positive Change

Posted 10:13am Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Joe Higham

With the OUSA Executive Election period finally upon us, student political enthusiasts and commentators alike (admittedly a rare, nerdy breed by my own admission) are feeling as though Christmas has come early. For those unaware of what this means, next week you have the opportunity to vote for Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (August 21-27)

Posted 2:08pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Critic

There’s a fairly wholesome week ahead, people! Enjoy the break.   Monday 21 August – Senior Citizens Day While the average Critic reader probably lacks the grey hair of today’s demographic, we all know of at least one senior citizen who deserves a medal. I for one Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Laptop Craptop

Posted 1:46pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, I have a faulty laptop. Problems started not long after I bought it, but I was too busy to take it back, so I just tried to keep going, but it is not connecting to any wifi and this makes it pretty much useless to me. I’ve taken it in twice and they just send me away Read more...

Wild Moose is Liquid Happiness

Posted 1:37pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

The name “Wild Moose” really does describe this bevvy perfectly. It’s soft and brown but incredibly wild. Try and tame this majestic beast and you may struggle, but if you succeed, you will be treated with the night of your life. Wild Mouse is an inspiring message of hope to all Read more...

Lucky in Love | Fred & Wilma

Posted 1:32pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Fred Having woken up fully clothed and alone on a Sunday, you can only imagine my excitement Read more...

Poetry Corner | institutional blues

Posted 1:22pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Vanessa

    when theres shit in your shoes and ant it the news when youve done a u turn and noone takes turns left or right or in between no-ones saying  what they mean, institutional yellows like custard pudd, voices in my head saying do what you should but Read more...

Sage Advice | Romance

Posted 1:18pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.” – Carolyn Gold Heilbrun   This question comes from another loyal reader: “My love life is in dire straits right now, but I really want to make it work! Sage Advice please Read more...

Science Tank | Snake Bite

Posted 1:10pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Wee Doubt

A single drop of Russell’s viper venom will turn blood in a cup into a coagulated blob that looks like moulded jelly. However, in a living body, the venom has a different effect. The venom reacts with a protein in your blood called Factor X, creating proteins called fibrin, which cause the Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Pipes

Posted 12:17pm Sunday 20th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Various/5   This week we’re talking about pipes. Pipes are very old. In the Beginning, when pipes wriggled out of the ground like snakes (Snakes, 5/5), pipes were only cool enough to hang out with legless lizards (Legless Lizards, 0/5). How things have changed; the genealogy of Read more...

David Clark | Dunedin Hospital Update

Posted 11:00am Sunday 20th August 2017 by David Clark

The health system across Otago/Southland is struggling more than most – in fact, it’s creaking at its seams. There are likely to be many contributing causes to this current predicament, including the short-funding of health, and a funding model that seems to work against the South. But Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 20

Posted 10:54am Sunday 20th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Make way! The messiah is among us. Make way! For He shall lead us through the fire.   Then, a cutting piece of investigative journalism. Turns out melons cost more in winter. Who knew.   This week the ODT has some truly mindbending wisdom to Read more...

Editorial | Otago Students Need a Mouthpiece to Speak on Their Behalf More than Ever

Posted 10:10am Sunday 20th August 2017 by Joe Higham

Critic has recently received several ‘Letters to the Editor’ criticising the OUSA Executive, particularly President Hugh Baird, for not taking a stance on some of the year’s most pressing issues. The ten members of the Exec have been inundated with a disproportionately large amount Read more...

Sage Advice | Art

Posted 1:05pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.” - Pablo Picasso   Art is... mysterious. Is it the physical embodiment of the human soul? Is it the pale reflection of a world we can never reach? Will the subtle genius of my Care Bears-themed erotic Read more...

Science Tank | Cold Readers: The First Circle of Hell

Posted 1:00pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Anon

It was 2010 and my father had passed away earlier that year. My usual logic blinded by grief, I did what any standard mourner would do and booked an appointment to see a medium. Walking into her home-cum-spiritual lair, I immediately noticed the tacky abundance of quartz crystals (when will people Read more...

Smirnoff Ice Double Black Is the Perfect Drink for a Kids Birthday Party

Posted 12:56pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Smirnoff Ice Double Black is a drink for children, and adults who are still children at heart. It may technically be alcoholic, but as far as your taste buds would know, it’s just a kind of weird lemonade. ‘Scientists’ will tell you that the amount of guarana in these bad boys Read more...

Poetry Corner | (No Title)

Posted 12:52pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Darude

Rotate Jolting with the pivot  as a roiling boil bubbles your  bloodstream too little, a tepid time bomb or else, volcanically explosive coating your cell with the splatter of mincemeat all will be resolved at the next flat meeting “Do we need a Read more...

The Hell Hole | Things that disgust me

Posted 12:42pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Cats with hands, kelp with hands, mould with eyes. Unanswered emails. Your toenail on your sheets. Falling into a wood chipper. A greasy coffee cup. Peeling your veins with a potato peeler. Balloons filled with mustard gas. Mugs with chipped rims. Teeth made out of porcelain. Anything smaller than a Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | An Unwanted Breath of Fresh Air

Posted 12:36pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde Our property manager is showing people through our flat for next year, and, to make it easier for us all, is only doing this once a week on a Monday afternoon. This Monday, we came home to find that the backdoor was wide open. We know we left it locked and shut. The only Read more...

Lucky in Love | Peas & Carrots

Posted 12:30pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Peas “I wonder if this is two standards,” I thought, contemplating the Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | The Egyptian Pyramids

Posted 12:22pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

2.5/5 One of the biggest problems with Egyptian Pyramids is their distribution. Out of the 196 (suck it Xi) countries of the world, Egypt is the only country that has Egyptian pyramids. We need to fairly distribute those resources. We are the 99.489 percent. Of course one of the large popular Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (August 14-20)

Posted 12:19pm Sunday 13th August 2017 by Critic

Harness your party hats. Inflate your balloons. Scatter the confetti. Get ready to celebrate like never before.   Monday 14 August – Gary Larson’s Birthday Nothing of importance is happening today, so I looked up famous peoples’ birthdays. Happy birthday, Read more...

David Clark | Snapchat

Posted 11:10am Sunday 13th August 2017 by David Clark

A major part of my role as a Member of Parliament is being able to have conversations with people across Dunedin North. Calls, emails and letters remain an important part of what I do – either calling or writing myself, or being on the receiving end. But changes in technology mean that I am Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 19

Posted 11:06am Sunday 13th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week a mysterious event has thrown the ODT office into even more confusion, suspicion and vibration than normal.  Spontaneous combustion is just a normal day at the ODT. Unfortunately the flames were a curious beige-khaki. And wet. The ODT doesn’t like being wet. It reminds Read more...

Editorial | Do some art

Posted 10:18am Sunday 13th August 2017 by Lucy Hunter

It’s Art Week. Here’s one of my favourite quotes: “If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing badly.” G. K. Chesterton said that. Before you say that explains Critic, let me elaborate. If you adhere to the better-known version of the quote, “if something is Read more...

Sage Advice | Sports

Posted 2:07pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.” - Michael Jordan   This question comes from a loyal reader: “To Sage Advice – we all know there are honourable and dishonourable acts in the world of sports. What are some of these, and how can we all become better human Read more...

Science Tank | Supervolcanoes

Posted 2:02pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

It was 75,000 years ago, and all was peaceful in the Sumatran jungle - birds were chirping and swishing through sunlight-dappled tree canopies, while insects chirruped busily on the jungle floor. Suddenly, a sonic boom pierced the air; rumbling shook the earth. All living things fell dead instantly Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Goon for $9.90

Posted 1:55pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Praise be the God of Alcoholics, we have been granted a gift from above. Meenan’s Wine & Spirits on Great King Street has come out with the deal of the year – nay, the deal of the decade. A succulent goon of red wine, containing 21 delectable standard drinks, for $9.90. That is not a Read more...

The Hell Hole | The Leader

Posted 1:47pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Jon A

Everyone was bright-eyed and engaged. The speaker, an older blonde-haired man in a suit, was standing at a decorated podium. His voice played over their heads from black, looming speakers. The crowd hung off his every word. Anna rolled her eyes. He was talking about being united, making the Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Counselling Denounced

Posted 1:40pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Student Support

Can anyone help me? I need some counselling but can’t get in to Student Health. I know my studies are being affected; I can’t concentrate properly anymore. Do you know if there are other ways to get in to see someone? Strained Student   Ethel and Hyde is brought to you Read more...

Lucky in Love | Bert & Ernie

Posted 1:34pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Bert First of all, I just want to lay it out straight, arriving 23 minutes late to a date is Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Breathing

Posted 12:51pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

3/5 When it comes to breathing I can not let my personal feelings (Personal Feelings: 3.5/5) get in the way of providing an objective review. I’ll make it very clear: I do not like breathing. I think it is pointless and repetitive and takes too much effort. However, I acknowledge that other Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (August 7-13)

Posted 12:46pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Critic

We’ve got a nice mellow week of special days - definitely a cause for celebration!   Monday 7 August – Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day How does it feel when you get approximately five chips in a packet puffed full of mainly air? What about when you purchase some Read more...

David Clark | Orokonui

Posted 11:42am Sunday 6th August 2017 by David Clark

Orokonui Ecosanctuary is a jewel in Dunedin’s crown. We have a wonderful natural landscape in the south and a proud history of preserving and promoting our wildlife and surroundings. Situated 20km north of the city, the fenced ecosanctuary celebrates New Zealanders’ birth-right as Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 18

Posted 11:32am Sunday 6th August 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, Being paid to think is a fool’s game. I’m paid (in the unspoken affirmation of strangers) to insult the ODT, and loving it.   Next, the ODT’s wildest dreams have come true  All of our normal swans are on loan from the Queen. The Read more...

Editorial | Cowardice Trumps Free Speech, at Least When 1.7 Billion People’s Feelings Are Involved

Posted 10:38am Sunday 6th August 2017 by Joe Higham

This week (August 9) was meant to have KPFA, a Californian radio station who describe themselves as “emphatically supporting serious free speech,” host world-renowned evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, that is, until they abruptly cancelled the event. Their message to Dawkins Read more...

Ethel & Hyde

Posted 2:14pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel/Hyde, I signed a lease about a week ago for a flat on Leith St with a bunch of mates and now we have received an invitation to an initiation, because it turns out one of our friends knows someone living there this year and gave them our names. I am very nervous about what we might have Read more...

Purple Goanna Is Genuine Poison

Posted 2:10pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Purple Goanna spits in the face of all that is holy. An artificial potion of methylated spirits and dirty chemicals, this RTD has inflicted a pain on the youth of New Zealand that even Suzie Cato could not fix. The flavours are indecipherable. With the deep purple hue of the liquid, one would Read more...

Poetry Corner

Posted 2:06pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Jeremy Spruyt

Thursday Some mornings I forget to wash and I wonder how you breathe, it seems, always through the nose. Remembering this, I sneeze: you smile, joke; there’s a lot of mucus in the world, this morning.   Domestic Living Oh, and I changed my passwords; I lost my credit Read more...

David Clark | Jacinda visit and the importance of voting

Posted 1:56pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by David Clark

Thanks to those who packed out the Evison Lounge in the Clubs and Socs building when my friend Jacinda Ardern came to speak about her vision for New Zealand, and the choice voters will have to make in September this year. Despite the America’s Cup Victory Parade and, I’m told, a Read more...

Science Tank | The Mighty Aurora

Posted 1:47pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Living far from the equator can be a bit of a bummer - we miss out on that awesome high concentration of sunshine and long sunny days. Instead we crawl sadly into our damp Dunedin caves at 4pm when we lose the sun in winter. We brave the cold Antarctic winds and surf in what feels like a frozen Read more...

Lucky in Love | Cheese & Chalk

Posted 1:34pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Cheese I FOUND A WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER but unfortunately no Husband, he was v talented Read more...

Sage Advice | The Gymnasium

Posted 1:26pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“It is a disgrace to grow old through sheer carelessness before seeing what manner of citizen you may become by developing your strength and beauty to their highest limit.” - Socrates   This question comes from a loyal reader: “Dear Sage Advice, gyms in Dunedin... Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Alchemy

Posted 12:39pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

4.5/5 Alchemy is the perfect way to while away those rainy afternoons. Fun for the whole family, alchemy is engaging and easily accessible for all ages. The only problem is that it is perhaps too easy. Turning base metals into gold is a great way to entertain the kids, but it doesn’t hold Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (July 31-August 6)

Posted 12:32pm Sunday 30th July 2017 by Critic

Only four weeks left until the mid-semester break! But remember not to wish your lives away; each day counts and is worth celebrating.   Monday 31 July – Uncommon Instrument Awareness Day Close your eyes and imagine being a euphonium in this world of pianos and guitars. Can Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 17

Posted 11:12am Sunday 30th July 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, the ODT has some good old fist shaking to do. Damn those youths, with their internet and their riots and their non-arthritic hips.   Then, a very serious story that is also inextricably funny. I think it’s because I imagine mushrooms the exact size Read more...

Editorial | Inspirational travel quotes

Posted 10:28am Sunday 30th July 2017 by Lucy Hunter

“Travel while you’re young and able. Don’t worry about the money, just make it work. Experience is far more valuable than money will ever be.” An awful quote, a false attribution, a terrible font, set on a background of some cliff-face you are supposed to want to climb. To Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (July 24-30)

Posted 5:57pm Monday 24th July 2017 by Critic

Everyone loves a reason to be weird, so why not make the most of the plethora of wacky special days of the year out there.   Monday 24 –Tell An Old Joke Day Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi. What do you call Monday 24 July 2017? Tell An Old Joke Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 16

Posted 5:43pm Monday 24th July 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week the ODT had a stern word with their neighbours about the recent noise complaints made during one of the ODT’s all night bangers. One ODT employee was overheard yelling, “You can’t go to the media, we are the media”.   Suddenly, something mysterious Read more...

Science Tank | Inhale, Exhale

Posted 2:32pm Sunday 23rd July 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Try to hold your breath as long as you can. How’d you go? 1 minute, 2? Pathetic. You’ve a long way to go, sport. The record for static apnea, also known as holding one’s breath, currently stands at a casual 11 minutes 54 seconds, and is held by Serbian Branko Petrović, who Read more...

Poetry Corner | The Redundant Executive Senior Lecturer (A 7 year university grant)

Posted 2:28pm Sunday 23rd July 2017 by Leah Macpherson

Practised fingers pluck each chord, the melody a fresh wave splattering sea water on the assembly of the elements Quick movements on multiple strings conjure the wind, a deep rumble, gusting southerly heart break Head tilts into the eye of the storm, eyes closed, mouth Read more...

Speight's Counts As One Of Your 5+ A Day

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 23rd July 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

It’s hard to review Speight’s. It has so much meaning to so many people. It was the first beer my father ever gave me. It’s the beer that has fuelled Scarfies for generations. Would I say it’s the tastiest beer in the world? No. But it’s the beer that makes me think of Read more...

Lucky in Love | Pac Man & Ghost

Posted 2:03pm Sunday 23rd July 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Pac Man I arrived at the Bog (such a masculine bar for two gay guys to meet!) respectfully Read more...