Critic Booze Reviews | Goon for $9.90

Praise be the God of Alcoholics, we have been granted a gift from above. Meenan’s Wine & Spirits on Great King Street has come out with the deal of the year – nay, the deal of the decade. A succulent goon of red wine, containing 21 delectable standard drinks, for $9.90. That is not a typo; this shit costs 47 cents per standard.

Since the tragic banishment of the glorious vodka RTD goons, many of this great city’s binge drinkers have let the wine goon fall forgotten by the wayside. It’s like a set of twins; when the cool one dies and everyone forgets about the other one. The forgotten comrade of a once great soldier, the humble wine goon deserves a renaissance, and at these prices it would be rude not to get on board. They’re practically paying you to drink.

I don’t know much about wine, but I do know that government tax breaks usually mean it’s one of the best options out there for dollars per standard, and red wine is normally the strongest of the lot. That makes it the optimal way to get fucked up at BYOs. Grab an empty bottle from your recycling bin, fill it with this nectar, and you’re off to the races.

The first taste was surprising. It wasn’t that awful. Dry, woody notes throughout, and nowhere near as much harshness as expected. However, I am but a man and I was not willing to endure an entire night on pure red goon. I tip my hat to anyone brave enough to tackle this feat.

I highly recommend the option of tactically mixing our red goon 50/50 with lemonade. For the very creative, you can even try emptying half your bag into a blender with a few handfuls of frozen berries. The addition of lemonade is not only delicious, but it levels out the alcohol percentage to a point where it is still stronger than beer, allowing for easier drinking and opening up the possibility of games like beer pong without putting your life and the lives of those around you in danger.


Tasting Notes: Affordability, smart investments, justifying spending $3.50 on an avocado

Pairs well with: 12 slices of plastic-wrapped processed cheese

Taste Rating: 3/10

Froth Level: A financially stable future

This article first appeared in Issue 18, 2017.
Posted 1:55pm Sunday 6th August 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer.