Emergency Summit Fails To Avert Fresher-Second Year War

Posted 3:09pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

A fragile peace between first- and second-years has collapsed amidst accusations of aggression on both sides. Relations between the two groups frayed after mass movements of freshers were detected around the traditionally second-year strongholds of Castle Street and Forth Street. Concerns about Read more...

Shopping trolley stocks plummet as students hit north D

Posted 3:08pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Supermarkets across the city are reporting shortages of shopping trolleys, as students move into town and claim the sterling vessels as their own. “It’s madness”, said one New World employee. “Yesterday, I saw a woman back her RAV-4 all the way up to the building’s door Read more...

Booze Reviews | Tui 7.2% Strong Lager

Posted 4:06pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Chug Norris

Tui has done it again. Earlier, with their standard lager, the brewery perfectly captured the taste of a minor fuck-up, a small leak in the life-boat, a failure to look both ways at a railway crossing, a sneaky look down the barrel of a firework to see why it isn’t working.  But now, Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Not into that shit

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Critic

I believe I have had the shittiest attempt at a hookup ever.  To set the scene: I’d just freshly moved out of my mum’s house into my first flat. My flatmates are both out so I decide fuck it, time to hop on Grindr, what’s the worst that could happen? So I message this guy Read more...

Lion Brown is The Least Interesting Beer in New Zealand

Posted 3:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Lion Brown is the oldest and least interesting beer you’ve ever seen. The Brown Bomber has been around since 1907, and despite existing for 111 years, no one ever thought to adjust the recipe to make it taste good. Despite being mediocre as shit and not being anywhere near strong enough to Read more...

Sage Advice | Fuck! To Political Allegories and Fuck! To McDonald’s / Goodbye Forever

Posted 1:21pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Many people have strong views on McDonald’s.” - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s Well, folks. It’s been a rollercoaster. Bringing you advice these past months has been a blast. We’ve had some hits, and more than a few stinkers. We’ve laughed, Read more...

Science Tank | Jet Debt

Posted 1:34pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Jet lag arises due to a disturbance of your body’s internal clock, which drives your circadian rhythms. Known as the suprachiasmatic nucleus, this ‘master clock’ processes light information from your retinas and tells the pineal gland what’s happening, so that it can Read more...

Editorial | I Can’t E-Van

Posted 10:46am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lucy Hunter

On Tuesday OUSA President Hugh Baird hosted a competition to give away the old OUSA van to an assiduous student. Thirty students signed up to spend hours standing on the union lawn touching the van. Competitors were allowed two toilet breaks at times of their choosing. They weren’t allowed any Read more...

Wakachangi Is New Zealand's Finest Craft Beer

Posted 1:37pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

‘Wakachangi’ is an amalgamation of the Māori word for canoe and the Georgian word for a 17th century Ottoman harp. The brainchild of one of New Zealand’s greatest New Zealanders, Leigh Hart, this fresh drop goes down easier than the Blackcaps middle order against any Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Penis

Posted 12:28pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

1.5/5 Would not use again. The penis really has very limited function. Where is the “all-purpose tool” I was promised on the packaging? I tried to open a can with the lauded “can-opener” attachment. It took me ages. The attachment was blunt and almost did more damage to Read more...

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