Archive

Literotica

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by Erin Gourley

My journey into the most sexually tense space on campus (the Science Library) begins with a catalogue search. Peering self-consciously around me, I wait until the coast was clear before typing “sex” into the library search computer on the third floor and then I dive into the Library of Read more...

Critic Dart Review

Posted 12:23am Friday 19th July 2019 by The Marlbros

Darts. Duzzas. Jesus Sticks. People seem to get strangely sheepish when discussing smoking. Most of us have tried it at some point, but whether or not you’re a fiend for the darts is up for your mum to decide when she smells cigarette smoke on your clothes. There is stigma around smoking, Read more...

Does Budget Dog Food Taste Worse Than Expensive Dog Food: A Critic Investigation

Posted 11:24pm Thursday 18th July 2019 by Saskia Rushton-Green

Dog food packaging is designed to target your pet through you. Buddy doesn’t care about buzz words like ‘succulent’ and ‘delicate’, he just wants a good feed. Ignoring how cancerous the ingredients probably are, Critic investigated the difference in appearance, aroma, Read more...

Critic Reviews the Local Dumpling Joints

Posted 10:22pm Thursday 18th July 2019 by Nina Minogue

The Dumpling Lady aka The Artist Formerly Known As Rising Sun Despite the heavy coverage in this year’s Critic, we are not actually sponsored by DL/TAFKARS, although we wish we were. This is a cheap and cheerful food truck on campus whose success can largely be attributed to the delightful Read more...

Window Shopping

Posted 10:18pm Thursday 18th July 2019 by Phillip Plant

Harry loves Sally, Oprah loves bread, and I love windows. There’s something quite special about staring sombrely out of a window, pretending you’re in some kind of indie movie where you say you hate your parents, but you secretly love them, and you can’t wait to lose your Read more...

The Best Bathrooms to Have Sex in on Campus

Posted 10:10pm Thursday 18th July 2019 by The University of Hoe-tago

Mum, if you’re reading this: I’m so sorry. University is a cesspit of horny motherfuckers. I mean, have you ever been to pint night? Everyone seems to be trying to book the first flight to pound town, but there aren’t many spaces for you to get your freak on around campus. Read more...

Out Standing in His Field

Posted 5:56pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Phillip Plant

60,000,000 tonnes of beef is eaten worldwide every year. So that settled it. I would have to become a cow. I watched a thrilling documentary called “How to be a Cow” and it was without a doubt the most significant and life-changing 60 seconds of my entire life. From this video, I Read more...

Rory And His Forest Garden

Posted 5:55pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Oscar Francis

On the North End of George Street, in an orange brick house bedecked with vines and separated from the street by a row of feijoa bushes, lives Rory and his forest garden. The George Street Orchard has been ex-Otago student Rory’s pet project for the past ten years. He invites me to try a Read more...

Kaka Vs. Kea: Dunedin Botanic Gardens Edition

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Oscar Francis

There are three, and only three, reasons that a student might visit this fair city’s botanic gardens. Firstly, drinking in a tree in an attempt to mimic an introduced marsupial. Secondly, trashing the fountains in the Mediterranean Garden by partying on the eve of a national tragedy. The third Read more...

When Opportunity Knocks

Posted 5:50pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Sophia Carter Peters

A small town gal in the big city exercises her gosh-darn given right to hunt for bargains on the mean streets of Dunedin, while giving the lowdown on what’s good, what’s bad and what’s ugly.   Orphan’s Aid Op Shop Quiet and small-ish, on the far side of the Read more...

Busting Dunedin’s Myths

Posted 11:30pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Sophia Carter Peters

Dunedin. It seems that there is always some kind of local lore or big claim being made about this humble little city, usually by wheezing older men at the pub, or by drunk postgrads who believe that four years of living here has made them sheriffs of this here town. Sick of blindly believing the Read more...

Life After Health Sci

Posted 11:24pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Esme Hall

It was August 2017 and Nick was getting med-worthy grades in Health Sciences First Year (HSFY). But he was not loving life. “I got quite anxious and didn’t feel confident in myself and my abilities. I started thinking I wouldn’t be a good doctor,” he said. Stress turned to Read more...

A Satanic Setup

Posted 6:27pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Owen Clarke

“The night is dark, and full of terrors,” whispers Leroy. “Fuck off, Leroy,” you respond. “I’m tired of hearing about that Game of Thrones bullshit.” Your group of friends crosses the field, dark clouds massing above, blocking out the stars and Read more...

A Herbal Hellscape

Posted 6:17pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Owen Clarke

It’s common knowledge that humans don’t know everything. We might have figured out how to make handheld phones with cameras so that we can take pictures of our junk and send them to people on the other side of the world, but there’s a lot we still don’t know. This is Read more...

Cultivate Me

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Phillip Plant

Like many people, I have struggled to discover my place in the world. One day some friends were discussing the Manson murders, which provoked an epiphany. I would indeed find my place … in a cult. I immediately set about attempting to join a cult which is defined following Read more...

Taking It To The Grave

Posted 6:08pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Sophia Carter Peters

Southern Cemetery: Dunedin’s first major cemetery opened in 1858, and you can see the wear in the headstones. Perched atop a hill overlooking the large flat basin that makes up most of the town centre, the dearly departed have a lovely sweeping view of the city they died in. With five main Read more...

How I Became the Most Powerful Male Wiccan in North Dunedin

Posted 6:06pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Charlie O’Mannin

In the depths of time before the world came into being (2001), in a dark and distant land (the American Midwest), a book was made. This book was called “Wicca Spellcraft for Men” and I bought a copy of it from a library sale for a single smackeroo. After all, I was a man, and I was Read more...

I Went To A Men’s Rights Summit And They Tried To Recruit Me

Posted 11:39pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Oscar Francis

Why would anyone go to a men’s summit, in an age of online self help videos and feminism, let alone bother to host one? Critic decided it would be fun to try and find out what happens at these meetings, but as it turns out there was very little fun to be had. What follows is the gruelling true Read more...

I Sat in the Library and Reviewed Some Textbooks for Fun on a Friday Night

Posted 10:50pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Owen Clarke

There’s not a whole lot of positive shit I can say about academic textbooks. They’re heavy, boring, and smell like an old folks home. That said, I did enjoy wanking to page 44 of our Biology textbook back in Year 7 and Year 8, and maybe a few times in Year 9. Aside from that, and the Read more...

To Catch a Predator: Leaving Stuff Unattended in Various Libraries

Posted 9:11pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by James Joblin

Friends, the festivities of exam season are almost upon us and at this time we should give thanks for how blessed we are with our University. Believe it or not, some people will never get to live the classic Otago experience of watching a couch aflame with a mate’s shoe in one hand, a can Read more...

Too Much of a Good Thing: Why Students Get Breast Reductions

Posted 9:05pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Erin Gourley

“I found my old bra the other day and I could put it over my face. Each boob was bigger than my head,” Dominique told me. She had a breast reduction when she was 17. "It was the best thing I ever did." Big boobs are seen as an attractive feature, like having long legs or Read more...

Big Hits: Critic Tackles Super Rugby

Posted 9:00pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Oscar Francis

Fucking bagpipes. We walk past an ominous circle of tartan, practising on the tarmac like something out of Children of Men. “Jump in,” Amber the contracted PR person for the fast food restaurant says. Okay. We hop on the back of a modified golf buggy shaped like a chicken bucket. It Read more...

The Great Critic Hall Food Review

Posted 7:52pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic

Over the past few weeks Critic has been sneaking into halls to review their food. We are fully aware that you can just buy meals at most of the halls, but our lives were getting dull and we needed some adrenaline to make us feel alive again. Also the Critic budget has been exhausted of late by Read more...

Meeting the Trainers of Dunedin: the Pokémon Go Capital of New Zealand

Posted 7:15pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Sinead Gill

Creatures? Fights? Long walks along Studentville? No, we’re not talking about Castle on a Saturday. We’re talking Pokémon Go, baby. I used to think my flatmate was sneaking out at midnight for shameful ciggies. It took weeks before they confessed that they were, in fact, doing Read more...

Ranking the Rocks in the Geology Museum on their Chakra Alignment

Posted 7:14pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Fox Meyer

Geology. The study of the terrestrial, of rocks and minerals, the earthy matter of the planet we all know and love. Yet what if this terrestrial study was in fact more extra… terrestrial? The rocks - minerals, actually - housed in the geology building are stored behind ancient glass panes Read more...

Critic Goes to Hyde

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Owen Clarke

April 13. The infamous Hyde Street Party started off for me with a bit of a whimper. Our photographer, Aiman, and I were shown around, stone sober, by someone from OUSA, along with a bunch of other old-fart media guys from around town. It was 9:15am and nothing had kicked off yet - nobody was really Read more...

Critic’s Guide to the Best Food Trucks Around Uni

Posted 9:29pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Erin Gourley

A restaurant with wheels. Food without a consistent location. Cuisine sans frontiers.  A trailer filled with a range of hot cooking implements that must create some kind of health and safety hazard. As much as I love food trucks, they’re a bit weird. Ordering from a food truck is like Read more...

‘80s Playboys: Reviewing the Sins of Our Fathers

Posted 9:25pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Wyatt Ryder

I’ve never really considered myself a classy man. The last time I wore a blazer was to the Hayward College Ball in 2017. The closest I’ve gotten to smoking a cigar is trying a ten dollar disposable vape out the back of The Bog. I don’t really understand what liqueur is, and I Read more...

“I Was Forced Out of My Home” – Interviews with Former Syrian Refugees

Posted 6:14pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Norhan El Sanjak

A day that started off as a movement working towards action for climate change rapidly turned into a day where New Zealand was shaken to its core. The video that circulated following the Christchurch mosque shootings deeply affected those who watched it. For two young Syrian refugees – Read more...

Beset By Debt | Overblown Student Loans

Posted 6:13pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Out of sight, out of mind. That’s how I found myself an additional $12K in the hole to IRD. A tale as old as time (the ’90s), many a former student will spin you a similar yarn. A yarn of how we all fucked off to Australia when National was elected in, in search of a better life. And Read more...

A Critic Sex Toy Review

Posted 3:33am Friday 5th April 2019 by Critic

Amore Sweet Bunny Vibe by Adulttoymegastore - on sale for $59.95 First of all, this toy is USB rechargeable, which is really the only way to go because it’s 2019. So, if you’re still sticking batteries in your vibrator, cease and desist. Under the sheets the sound was muffled Read more...

An Interview with the New Zealand Prostitutes Collective

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Sophia Carter Peters

In 2003, the Prostitution Reform Act was passed, changing history and the lives of sex workers around New Zealand - the only country in the world where there is a law focusing on the human rights and wellbeing of sex workers. The New Zealand Prostitutes Collective (NZPC) is the closest equivalent to Read more...

The Great Critic Sex Store Review

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Chelle Fitzgerald

It’s hard out there to have yourself a good sexytime. Uni life is damn stressful, and sometimes it’s just so much easier to binge-watch hours of Kath & Kim before ending the night with a sad handy. But fear not! Chelle and Sinead took to the mean streets of the D to find the best Read more...

Calling Out Consent

Posted 9:18pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Sinead Gill

Content warning: sexual violence mentioned     How do you know if someone wants to have sex with you? Seriously, how do you? This is the question that researchers like Dr Melanie Beres have asked over 100 people from a range of ages, genders, and sexual orientations. Their Read more...

The Conclusion to the Bed Sheet Wanker

Posted 9:09pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Owen Clarke

Read the mystery here   “Ass, you sneaky bugger,” you say, pointing. “You said you were stargazing, but there aren’t even any stars out tonight! It’s too cloudy!” “Fuck,” says Ass. He shrugs and kicks at the floor. “To be fair Read more...

The Scandal of the Bed Sheet Wanker

Posted 9:07pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Owen Clarke

It’s dark. The sun has set, and thick clouds obscure any light from the stars and moon above. Streetlights are being lit, horse drawn carriages are clacking across cobblestones, people are wearing dumbass wigs, and it smells like shit everywhere because, well, people are basically throwing Read more...

Don’t Fuck With Me! I Learned Kung Fu in a Shipping Container

Posted 11:21pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Owen Clarke

Shipping containers. “The melting pot of the human condition,” said Nietzsche. The “ultimate proving ground for the spirit of mankind,” said Kierkegaard. Or were both those quotes from my high school weed dealer, Big Steve, who lived in a shipping container himself? When I Read more...

For Those of Us Left Behind: How to Grieve

Posted 11:14pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Esme Hall

Content warning: suicide, Christchurch shooting     My best friend committed suicide in 2017. When I started working at Critic the following year, I wanted to write about grieving that irrevocable loss. I wanted to do something with my pain. Scrape it off me and mould it into Read more...

Is Hayward Haunted? An Investigation Based Purely on Rumour and Speculation

Posted 10:31pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Wyatt Ryder

It’s always been a difficult task to pin down a ghost. Developments in science and technology have led many people to believe that ghosts aren’t real. Despite this, rumours of spooky happenings still manage to spread throughout our society, and colleges are hotbeds of rumour. In a Read more...

The Most Pointless Phrasebook You’ll Ever Read

Posted 11:36pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Erin Gourley

None of these phrases will help you find a train station. But at least you’ll learn some Arabic slang, a few Cherokee phrases, and a selection of Japanese inspirational quotes.   German Er ist dumm wie Bohnenstroh. Pronunciation: Ur ist dumm vee Bor-nen-straw. He is as dumb Read more...

The Inside Job - The Conclusion

Posted 11:12pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Owen Clarke

“SLADE!” you bellow. “You said you’d been taking a hot shower for ages, but there was no fog on the mirror when I came inside. I remember, I threw myself finger guns in it!” Slade’s grimaces. “You shithead. You just had to get all snoopy, didn’t Read more...

The Inside Job

Posted 11:11pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Owen Clarke

The following tale details the events of a casual Sunday afternoon. You, the reader, have just returned from a relaxing cricket game with a delicious pizza when suddenly…. it goes missing. You must carefully utilize the clues given to deduce the suspect. Happy Read more...

The Critic Guide to Relaxing Around Campus

Posted 11:07pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Wyatt Ryder

The life of a student is a life of stress. Countless classes, assignments and exams will all get the better of us sooner or later. Things are hard sometimes. That’s why you deserve to take a minute to sit with your friends and kick back. There are lots of places around Uni that can help you Read more...

The Best Vape Spots Around Campus

Posted 10:32pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Henessey Griffiths

If you’re a poor student like me who craves the sweet satisfaction of nicotine, then boy do I have something for you. Vaping, the cheaper alternative to smoking. For a while, I was anti-vaping. The big clouds and unusual flavours were a turn-off for me. But once the price of darts went up and Read more...

The Birds in the Gardens’ Aviary Rated on Their Resemblance to Mariah Carey

Posted 10:14pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Phillip Plant

Have you ever wanted to be an ornithologist, are you a keen bird watcher, or do you just want to catch the avian flu? Then the aviary at the botanical gardens is the place for you (disclaimer: there’s probably no avian flu at the botans, that was just a joke). “But I've never been Read more...

Can You Buy Drugs From Houses With Shoes on the Powerline? A Critic Investigation

Posted 7:27pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Sinead Gill

North Dunedin is full of students again, and the stocks of almost-legal substances are getting low. This Critic reporter went on the hunt for drugs using one of the oldest methods in the book. The powerline method. For those unfamiliar with this method, it stems from the urban legend that when Read more...

Law Camp: A History

Posted 7:25pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by James Joblin

Law Camp. Last year, this post-admission honeymoon retreat for two hundred thrusting second year law students was exposed to be a weekend not of whispering “I do law…” into one another’s ears, but rather a weekend of nudity, aggressive drinking, and grand-slam jelly Read more...

Scooby Dooooo.....n't Make Me Watch Any More Of These

Posted 6:59pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Owen Clarke

I watched all 41 episodes of Scooby Doo, Where Are You? in four days. Last night, I dressed up in a white sheet with two holes for eyes and skulked around my flat roof going “Oooooo”. This morning, I was diagnosed villainously insane by a local psychiatrist. I have no memory of these Read more...

The Best Caffeine Hit on Campus

Posted 6:52pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Erin Gourley

Bean juice, java, a cup of joe, the good stuff, espresso, café, a brew, COFFEE. I love it. You also love it, unless you’re a Mormon or one of those people who thinks caffeine is ‘bad for you’. I put myself on the line for coffee lovers and ordered flat whites at ten places Read more...

Left in the Lurch: What Happens When Your Flatmate Stops Paying Rent

Posted 6:39pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Erin Gourley

There are a lot of ways to waste your money (daily coffees, essential oils, cheap shots that are mostly syrup, fancy peanut butter from the Farmers Market). But there are none worse than paying off the rent that your flatmate didn’t pay. Ari Cameron-Smith lived out that scenario. This year, he Read more...