Mum, if you’re reading this: I’m so sorry.
University is a cesspit of horny motherfuckers. I mean, have you ever been to pint night? Everyone seems to be trying to book the first flight to pound town, but there aren’t many spaces for you to get your freak on around campus. Unless you do it in a bathroom. We’re all paying thousands of dollars to take our place in the world, and I’m gonna get my damn money’s worth.
I set out on my quest swiping through the honeys on Tinder with a bio of “I need to fuck in Uni bathrooms for a Critic article, applications open”. I was met with an overwhelming response of horny lads ready to head to smashville.
After some strategic planning and free condoms from Sexual Health (who knows what STIs these bathrooms are riddled with), we were ready to put our bodies on the line for investigative journalism – and find the best Uni bathrooms to fuck in.
Castle Lecture Theatre Disability Bathroom
This was the first bathroom on our noble quest, and we both felt quite nervous beforehand. Although this wasn’t my partner’s first rodeo, the more planned and less spontaneous fucking resulted in a lot of overthinking. Overall it wasn’t a bad time, but saying that I’ve sucked a dick while on the toilet is something that I won’t be putting on my CV anytime soon.
Discretion:
You’ve got to be really sneaky when you head into this bathroom. As it’s right by the walkway to go into various lecture theatres, you really have to plan your entry when finding your way in (pardon the pun). The door locks pretty well, but you definitely have to keep any noise down to a minimum.
Spatial Parameters:
The room itself is quite large, which gives you a lot of possibilities. The toilet is quite close to the wall, meaning you’ve really got to get creative with how you position yourself. Otherwise, there is a large amount of floor space to get to know your partner(s) on a personal level.
Cleanliness:
As it was late on a weekday afternoon, I presume this bathroom must’ve been cleaned before we arrived. I can’t tell if this made the experience feel better or worse. But it’s nice not having piss on your shoes as you’re getting fucked from behind, for once.
Ambience:
The giant full-length mirror is quite off-putting, unless you’re into that. Otherwise the general cleanliness does make for a sensual experience. The fluorescent lights are quite harsh and can be quite a strain on the eyes.
Conclusion:
You really don’t know how much of a smell having sex makes until you leave a freshly cleaned bathroom that you’ve knowingly defaced. If you’re gonna fuck in here, best to wait til the LAWS101 kids are in their lecture.
Overall: 3.5/5
Ground Floor Richardson Building: Unisex Bathroom
This was the second bathroom that we decided to sin in. After a quick break and a few ciggies, we waited for the Richardson elevator queue to die down before ducking in. The floor was covered in piss and we both slipped at one point. Like a streamlined health sci lecture, we got in there, did the deed and dipped out – avoiding eye contact with my first year Geography lecturer while re-doing my belt.
Discretion:
Since this bathroom is unisex, it’s less suspicious when you see a girl and guy leave together. The door goes all the way down to the floor, meaning there is little, if any, chance for people to see you sinning. The bathroom itself is very structurally sound, with very little noise able to escape. The only concern comes from the waiting area outside, because you don’t really want to be bumping into your lecturer reeking of sex.
Spatial Parameters:
This bathroom is quite large, meaning you have a lot of space for a wide range of positions. With a purposeful ledge, a heater, and a sink sturdy enough to hold two people, you can truly get creative with your fucking. Branch out into the waiting room, get crazy with it.
Cleanliness:
This isn’t the cleanest bathroom, which I think only adds to its overall charm. When I went in, there was a smell of stale piss and some lone toilet paper on the ground. There’s probably a large infestation of STIs in this bathroom.
Ambience:
The lights in this room are quite harsh, meaning all of your gifts are highly exposed in the open. The mood in this room is definitely not as sexy as some of the other bathrooms, so it fits more of a "root n boot" kind of vibe.
Conclusion:
This is one of the best and worst bathrooms to fuck in. The space and discretion is a major bonus, but the cleanliness and ambience are a major turn off. You definitely need to go into this one knowing you’re just here to fuck in the bathroom for this dumb article.
Overall: 2.5/5
Link Women’s Bathroom
This was the third bathroom on our list. We snuck in at 10:27pm on a Wednesday evening. We didn’t really factor in how small each cubicle is, so all I could do was go down on my knees like the good Christian girl I am. Although not the sexiest of places to fuck, years of practising deep-throating bananas did not go wasted. Right as my partner was about to score the home try, someone walked in so we had to make a stealthy exit.
Discretion:
Not only is there a long walkway to get to your location, but the number of mirrors you walk past does lead to a bit of an out-of-body experience. Given the Link is quite a busy place, you’ve got to be really stealthy when making your moves. It’s best to go late on a Sunday when there aren’t many people who can watch your walk of shame. Also, disguise your moans like you’re taking a big shit.
Spatial Parameters:
The first cubicle to the right as you walk into the women’s bathroom is the prime fucking spot. It has that ledge that you can easily rest yourself on. However, each other cubicle is quite small.
Cleanliness:
The Link bathrooms get cleaned quite regularly but are also used so often that it this is counter-intuitive. The actual cubicles themselves are pretty clean; you can’t let the thought of how many people have been in that cubicle get the best of you. Unfortunately, there is always a lingering smell of shit 24/7 that never seems to dissipate.
Ambience:
The bathrooms in the Link at night are usually dimly lit, which sets a nice tone for the fun. However there are a lot of other cubicles, meaning the chance of someone walking in is quite high, which really dampens the mood.
Conclusion:
The Link bathrooms are the least optimal space to fuck. Only the bravest of brave (or horniest) would try and conquer this feat. With Central only a few steps away, it’s probably a better use of your time.
Overall: 2/5
St. David’s Men’s Disabled Bathroom
At this point we’d fucked in a bunch of bathrooms and were both feeling it. However, we both agreed that we couldn’t finish without trying this great bathroom. We had a late night study sesh in St Dave’s, and waited til around 12:30am for our two minutes of fun. Let’s just say I hope everyone around had their headphones on and couldn’t hear the noises we both made.
Discretion:
The great thing about St. Dave’s is that it’s open 24 hours. If you wait until the early hours of the morning, when only the lone Health Scis remain, there is little chance of you getting caught doing this (in)decent act. While I do have moral qualms with using disabled bathrooms, these ones in particular are isolated from the regular bathrooms, meaning you can be slightly louder than in other spaces. The sliding door means you can safely check if anyone is coming in and out before you dine and dash.
Spatial Parameters:
This bathroom has a lot of girth to it. There is a comfortable ledge on top of the toilet if you want to get really adventurous. There isn’t much surface area to the bathroom itself, but it is comfortable enough for one to spread out upon. Be sure to utilize all of the objects this bathroom offers for making the most out of your fuck.
Cleanliness:
While not the cleanest bathroom out there, it wasn’t the worst either. If you push that loose bit of toilet paper to the side and wash your hands thoroughly afterwards, you’ll be sweet.
Ambience:
These bathrooms have quite a nice colour scheme and funky pattern on the floor that you can admire while getting pounded. The lights are quite dim which only enhances the sexual tension. The fact that the door is almost air locked shut means you can be as loud or as quiet as you want, which can set the tone very nicely.
Conclusion:
Given that there is 24-hour access to the St. Dave’s bathrooms, you can quench your thirst at literally any time of the day. There're even vending machines outside the Science Library to replenish your reserves during or afterwards. While the bathroom itself isn’t the nicest, it has the most optimal space to fornicate in. Just make sure Campus Watch isn’t waiting for you when you finish.