Archive

Skuxx Food | Lemon, Leek and Pea Risotto

Posted 2:25am Saturday 9th July 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Cleanskin wine is more than a golden dollar-to-standard drink ratio, it's a valuable ingredient. When you actually decide it's gross and can’t drink it anymore, you can use it to make a bangin’ risotto the next day! So versatile! Serves 5 people Ingredients:  1 onion, Read more...

Fuck it, Minions Editorial

Posted 11:21pm Friday 8th July 2022 by Fox Meyer

God, I can’t believe there’s minion content in the magazine. I’m so sorry. It’s not always like this. I play this game where I try to go 24 hours without seeing a minion. I have not won the game, and now that you’ve joined the game, the curse is upon you too. So, Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Goon, blood, and lies

Posted 7:29pm Sunday 29th May 2022 by Critic

WARNING: This story is extremely chaotic but feels too good not to share. As this story has come up at numerous kickons, and has haunted me for the past year, I feel it is my duty to publicly confess the fateful events that happened that night. I’m sorry in advance.  Picture a Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 13

Posted 7:24pm Sunday 29th May 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Sometimes, you need to take some time out for yourself. Things have been rough, and you’ve been going through it. But just remember, there is light at the end of this tumultuous tunnel.  Exam de-stress: a walk in the botans.   Pisces Feb 19 Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 7:10pm Sunday 29th May 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image provided by Elias. We got last week’s entry correct, the photos from Joe were taken at Cecil King’s Hut in Kahurangi National Park and the Khemarin Palace in Cambodia. You can’t hide from Critic, Joe. First Thoughts: Looks like Tatooine. I’m Read more...

Booze Review | Estrella Damm

Posted 7:05pm Sunday 29th May 2022 by Chug Norris

Estrella is a beer like no other – except every other beer in Europe. It is Spanish, it is mild like the Mediterranean climate, and for some reason every bottle is shaped like a wine bottle – probably to deceive the Spanish to believe they are still drinking a grape-based beverage. Read more...

Skuxx Food | Peanut noodle salad

Posted 7:00pm Sunday 29th May 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

A genuinely easy noodle salad that only leaves you with a few bowls to clean in the end. I hope you have a lot of peanut butter. Serves 6. Ingredients:  Salad:  Around 200 grams of rice stick noodles  1 tablespoon of sesame oil 450 grams frozen edamame beans, Read more...

Editorial: Video Game Underwear

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 29th May 2022 by Fox Meyer

We all know that women’s armour in video games is absurd. You’ve got a whole-ass knight in shining armour with a flaming sword facing off against a witch who’s wearing essentially a few leaves and a vine. Lara Croft is in a tank top, and don’t even get me started on Mortal Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Silent but Deadly

Posted 6:23pm Sunday 22nd May 2022 by Critic

Picture this: it’s a Friday night (or rather Saturday morning), I’ve had a few cheeky beverages and I’m messaging a hot guy on Snapchat. I swiped right on him on a dating app and we hit it off pretty quickly. Now onto the story. I was surrounded by some friends in a very public Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Ultimate Frisbee

Posted 6:18pm Sunday 22nd May 2022 by Critic

Sorry OUUC, this isn’t what you think. Take a seat, but watch where you put your ass because this is going to be explosive…  Recently, my friends and I went on a romantic getaway for the weekend to a remote location. Tunes were pumping, bevvies were flowing, mosquitos were Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 12

Posted 6:15pm Sunday 22nd May 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Pencil some quality time into your schedule, Aquarians. You deserve to do something fun, wholesome and happy this week.  Snack craving: Twisties.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Things have been emotionally heavy for you these past few weeks, but Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 3:15pm Sunday 22nd May 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week we have a submission from Joe, who asked if he was “safe from Big Government if I ran away into the bush? Or can someone with an internet connection find me?” We’ll find out. We got the last submission correct, Blanford was indeed outside the US Botanical Read more...

The Tell-Tale Can

Posted 2:20pm Sunday 22nd May 2022 by Edgar Allen Poon

True! I am a thief, but I am not mad, just an alcoholic with a guilty conscience. I found myself out of piss and fairly sober at a party. Across the table from me lay, apparently unattended, an unopened and immaculate DoBro. So ice cold and refreshing, covered in condensation all along its red Read more...

Skuxx Food | Thai Red Curry Noodle Soup

Posted 2:04pm Sunday 22nd May 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Impress your flatties with this easy and flavourful noodle soup to ease you into the colder weather. Swap out the chicken for red meat if you prefer and use any vegetables you like. Or make it fully vegetarian/vegan by swapping meat for tofu and using soy sauce instead of fish sauce! Serves Read more...

Local Produce | H2yo

Posted 1:56pm Sunday 22nd May 2022 by Molly Willis

With plans to hydrate the world one liquor store at a time, Dunedin locals Anthony Tep, Silas Kemp, Tom Gallagher and Riley Coughlin kicked off the launch of their RTD brand H2yo on Friday the 13th of May at Leith Liquor.   H2yo BLUE is a 5-ingredient alcoholic beverage that mimics the taste Read more...

Editorial: My Mum Talks About Abortion Rights

Posted 4:43pm Saturday 21st May 2022 by Fox Meyer

Abortion rights in the USA are in jeopardy, so I called someone who I knew could talk about this from a place of experience: my mum. The rest of this editorial is a transcript of that call. I’ve experienced all of the reproductive possibilities of what happens when you have a vagina and Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 11:03am Monday 16th May 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by a Mr. Blanford, who said “sorry for the poor quality, I took this photo on the piss five years ago”. We got last issue’s submission correct, after about a month of crying about how hard it was. Shar was indeed at Ki Monastery, Lahaul and Read more...

Local Produce | Midnight Caffeine

Posted 9:35am Monday 16th May 2022 by Nina Brown

Midnight Caffeine is made up of lead lyricist and vocalist Zi, guitarist and producer Raine, drummer Hayden and bassist Ollie. The band found their name in the delirious aftermath of a late-night caffeine-fueled study grind: the true mark of a (mostly) ex-student band. Critic Te Arohi spoke with the Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Satan's Little Helper

Posted 9:20am Monday 16th May 2022 by Critic

Buckle the fuck up folks, cos I’m bout to learn y’all a thing or two about sex, tequila, and Satanism.  Against my better judgement, I caved and decided to hook up with a fuckboy Satanist over break. He was gorgeous – black hair, different coloured eyes, ripped as fuck Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 11

Posted 10:20pm Sunday 15th May 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please, for the love of God and your liver, stop abusing so many substances. Do you want to make it to Hyde? Instrument to learn: the banjo.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s time to sit and think about the next step. What does the future Read more...

Asahi Super Dry

Posted 10:12pm Sunday 15th May 2022 by Chug Norris

Asahi Super Dry is a very nice beer. “Asahi”, you say, “Isn’t that the enormous multinational that owns just about anything that you can put your lips around? [insert dick joke here]”. Why yes, yes it is, fictional booze review enjoyer, but that is not to say we Read more...

Skuxx Food | Baked honey soy chicken

Posted 9:20pm Sunday 15th May 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

A wholesome little meal to take you and the flat back to those simple childhood dinners. Your mum isn’t even here to tell you that you have to have veggies with your chicken, so go nuts.  Ingredients:  1.6-1.8 kg chicken drumsticks or chicken thighs (bone in) 2 red onions, cut Read more...

Local Produce | Swarles

Posted 9:16pm Sunday 15th May 2022 by George DeMarco

Ollie Whiley, under the alias ‘Swarles’, is breaking on to the Dunedin scene with music that captures moments of heartbreak, lust, and ecstasy. Critic Te Arohi caught up with Ollie to chat about his freshly released self-titled EP, the spectrum of genres that influence his sound, and his Read more...

Editorial: Your Taylor Swift Hate is Weird, Actually

Posted 1:15pm Saturday 14th May 2022 by Fox Meyer

You don’t have to like Taylor Swift, but it’s weird how vehemently some dudes will hate, hate, HATE Taylor Swift. Almost like they need you to know how much they hate her because otherwise they’re not a man, or something. It’s weird, and it’s super toxic.  I Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Shit happens

Posted 3:10pm Sunday 8th May 2022 by Critic

It all started on a normal Friday night in North Dunedin. Plenty of drinks deep, and the night started to quiet down. My flat mate and I are the last ones standing, we’re chilling in the lounge anticipating our next move. One of her old friends visiting Dunedin arrives with another one of his Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 10

Posted 2:40pm Sunday 8th May 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 If there’s one thing you need, it’s self control. Make sure to check yourself and reel it in every now and again.  Artistic activity: screenprinting an old item of clothing.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Is it hyperfixation? Is it an ego Read more...

El Diablos

Posted 2:33pm Sunday 8th May 2022 by Chug Norris

El Diablos are no ordinary beer. They are an ancient artefact of likely Satanic provenance that hails from a time before creation itself. They appear at random times in random locations throughout New Zealand and prey on unsuspecting souls, drawn like moths to a flame by the sinister patterns Read more...

Skuxx Food | Israeli couscous and roast vegetable salad

Posted 2:25pm Sunday 8th May 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

A very skuxx salad that you can make at the start of the week and have for lunches or combine with a meat of choice for dinner. Swap out or add any roast vegetables of your choosing.  Serves 6 Ingredients:  2 cups of Israeli couscous  1 bag of baby spinach, roughly Read more...

Local Produce: Dollhouse Theatre Company

Posted 2:23pm Sunday 8th May 2022 by Jamiema Lorimer

Dollhouse is a new Ōtepoti-based theatre company, founded by Ryan Hartigan and Jordan Wichman. It was created to fill the space between community and professional theatre, a gap that many recent grads struggle to cross. Jordan completed her honours year of her Bachelor of Performing Arts in Read more...

Local Produce | Te Oraka: Student-run Thrift Store

Posted 2:20pm Sunday 8th May 2022 by Nina Brown

The old Unipol weights room on Anzac Ave has been transformed into a sustainability hub for students by the Sustainability Office and their team of tetekura (student leaders), including Maddy, Lizzy, Gerry, Annabelle, John and Jesikah (office team lead). Already open Tuesdays and Thursdays 11-1pm, Read more...

Editorial: What is Art, Really?

Posted 2:29am Sunday 8th May 2022 by Fox Meyer

Someone once told me that art is like porn: you know it when you see it. And I think that’s true.  Of course, art is subjective. You might not like it, even if other people do. Most of our art comes from our art team, and quite a bit of it comes from student submissions, who want to Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Not now, Dad

Posted 2:55pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Critic

I was 18, in my last summer before University. The horny was strong, and my teenage years had been bone-dry, so I wanted some experience before heading down south. I started seeing a guy, John, from my school. After the second date, he begged me to take his virginity. I declined. Then, in what Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 9

Posted 2:51pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 There may have been some people leaving your life recently, but just know, you are probably better off without them. Onwards and upwards, my friends.  Conspiracy to research: Did the Crown kill Diana?   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Wreak havoc. Read more...

Kiwi Lager

Posted 2:46pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Chug Norris

In an attempt to reintroduce another salt of the earth NZ brew, DB have re-released Kiwi Lagers. Kiwi Lagers are so incredibly average and so unjustifiably expensive that the only people drinking this will be the 40-year-olds that drank this beer when they still had hopes and dreams of doing Read more...

Skuxx Food | Hoisin Tofu and Vermicelli Noodle Salad

Posted 2:45pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

A recipe for the vegans and veggies out there – if you don’t like tofu, simply swap out for a meat of your choice.  Serves 4 Ingredients:  100 grams vermicelli noodles  2 carrots, shredded  1 cucumber, thinly sliced ¼ red cabbage, thinly Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:42pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, it is my pleasure to say that we have an image supplied Shar. This means it is finally in the magazine, which means we’ve finally gotten it. We got last issue’s submission correct: Daniel was at Mr Tuck Kee’s Curry Puff stand, in Pudu, Kuala Lumpur.  First Read more...

OUSA Student Executive Creates New Crypto Bro Position on Executive

Posted 2:12pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

OUSA Finance and Strategy Officer Emily has been crunching the numbers on how to survive the next fiscal year, and came to the conclusion that they are in trouble. In order to combat this, she is introducing the Crypto Executive Position, which starts in two weeks. The new position is already being Read more...

“Free Thinker” Millennial Wonders Who Really Built the Pyramid Scheme She Joined

Posted 2:11pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

“Look, I don’t want the liberal PC media woke brigade to cancel me,” said Ms A. Von to Critic Tribune, “but if you take a closer look at the culture behind, y’know, pyramid schemes, something doesn’t add up,” she concluded, with all the authority of someone Read more...

Conspiracy Theory Pinboards Behind Newfound Love of Fibre Art

Posted 2:10pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Local man Hugh Anon, a voracious Facebook disinformer, has discovered a use for pins and yarn that doesn’t involve being homophobic or antisemitic. “It all started last year when lockdown took away my free speech,” Hugh told the Tribune, “so I took to social media to speak Read more...

Predator Free Dunedin didn’t catch a Single Paedophile Last Year

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

The whole concept of one-trap-fits-all for paedophiles hasn’t been super effective. Despite PFD’s best efforts, not a single sexual predator was caught by their automated traps, presumably because the traps are rat-sized. A local predator said, “The council is generalising us which Read more...

Editorial Conspiratorial: How I Caused 9/11

Posted 1:29pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Fox Meyer

When I was two, we lived in Florida. Yeah, I know, woe is me. My parents, as you can tell from my mum’s choice of footwear, were total hippies. And in 2000, they were big fans of Ralph Nader, the American Green Party candidate for president.  I don’t know how much you know about Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Tree roots? More like tree roots, ha!

Posted 3:01pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic

There’s a big willow tree on the corner of Anzac and Hanover, sorta by the train station. I’ve had sex in it. It’s the third tree I’ve had sex in but it was certainly the best. I’d been seeing this girl for a while, going to parties together and usually ended up Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 8

Posted 3:00pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Start living by ACC: always choosing content.  DIY activity: home grown weed.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If there is one thing you need, it’s a break. Stop putting so much time and emotional labour into things that no longer serve Read more...

KGB ‘Tropical’

Posted 2:55pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Chug Norris

Have you become sick and tired of drinking the same toxic lolly water that you’ve been drinking for the past year? Is your current drink not giving you type II diabetes quickly enough? Are you ready to branch out and try something new? Well, buddy, you’re in luck! KGB have just released Read more...

Skuxx Food | Butternut Hummus

Posted 2:54pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Have recent food prices been getting you down? Have you recently realised that your fav hummus, which you can easily demolish in a sitting, has now hit $5 on New World’s shelves? Here’s how to make a very skuxx homemade hummus that will give you way more bang for your Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:52pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Daniel. We got last week’s submission correct, thanks to some errant paint: Itsukushima Shrine, Hiroshima, Japan.  First Thoughts: Looks like Indonesia, based on the street carts and brands, but could also definitely be Malaysia. Will be tough to Read more...

Editorial: What’s so Good about Good Friday?

Posted 12:24am Saturday 23rd April 2022 by Fox Meyer

Good Friday is the most confusing day of the year. First of all, there’s the name: if I was murdered, resurrected, and then deified, and I came back 2,000 years later to see people celebrating my sacrifice, I’d be stoked. I’d be like “Oh that’s mean, so glad Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Started from the bottom, now we still there

Posted 1:17pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic

It was a beautiful Saturday evening in an unspecified location outside of Dunedin. I have been sinking a few too many drinks when all of a sudden I have to get up to yak. Here’s the thing about me… every time I yak I piss myself. So, here I am, yak successful but now I have stained my Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 7

Posted 1:16pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is for everybody going through tough times, believe me, been there done that, but everyday above ground is a great day, remember that.  Task to do: wash your sheets.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 The bigger they are, the harder they fall. This Read more...

19 Crimes Pinot Noir

Posted 2:37pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Thomas Delaney

From the brand that brought you the Snoop Dogg merlot, 19 Crimes is back with a penal-themed pinot noir that is more sinkable than the ships that carried their criminal crew to Australia. Coming in at about $20, 19 Crimes hits a solid ratio of about a dollar per crime. Not too shabby, and for a red Read more...

Skuxx Food | Italian (or Greek, or NYC) style meatballs:

Posted 2:34pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Here’s how to make some really awesome yet simple meatballs. You can add them to any meal you like. I recommend a tomato-based pasta or, as pictured here, a Greek-style couscous salad. If you’re proper ceebs, chuck them in a bread roll and call it a NYC meatball sub. With these bad boys, Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:31pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Elliot. We got last week’s submission correct, though it nearly killed us: Shimla, India, from the parking lot of Christ Church. First thoughts: Definitely looks Japanese. I wonder if this is Himeji Castle. We’ll see. Not Himeji Castle, so Read more...

GHOTI

Posted 1:23am Saturday 9th April 2022 by Fox Meyer

If you’re trying to learn English, good fuckin’ luck, because “GHOTI” is pronounced “fish” (touGH, wOmen, acTIon).  English is a bizarre and wonderful language, and I am so, so glad that I was born into it rather than having to learn it as an adult. Of all Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 6

Posted 6:57pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to fill your life with more wholesome hobbies to ward off the feelings of depression and loneliness. Try going to the farmers market, or knitting, or writing a book about how fucked everything is.  Dunedin sight to see: Cargill’s Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | See you later, phallus-gater. In a while, Crocs-odile

Posted 6:53pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic

I hadn’t had a root since the world’s greatest heartbreak hit me a year earlier. I was ready. It was my time of the month, I was wearing my lucky dress and my favourite Crocs. My way of flirting with everyone and anyone was to insist that after every nang, you smooch the person next to Read more...

Snoop Dog

Posted 6:50pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

In this column, we’ll be using the internet to try to figure out exactly where people took their random photos. This week, we have an image provided by Kirsty. We got last week’s entry correct, the photo from Mr. Abel was indeed taken from the cafe at Griffith Observatory in Los Read more...

Hardy’s 1L (all of it, it’s all the same)

Posted 6:45pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Chug Norris

Hardy’s is perhaps the most widely consumed wine in Dunedin. Not a BYO goes by where a bottle does not appear. The iconic one litre bottle towers over the laughably dainty 750 mL bottles on the table. But Hardy’s is also special in another respect: it is utterly shit. It is a symbol of Read more...

Skuxx Food | Rocket Pesto

Posted 6:41pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

This is my go-to pesto recipe as it makes HEAPS and is cheaper than making a traditional homemade pesto (which is made from fresh basil and pine nuts). Top tip: add this to some cooked pasta and your flatties will go wild. Check out @skuxxfood on Instagram for some pesto-pasta inspo.  Makes Read more...

Call Me By Your (Latin/Indigenous/English) Name

Posted 5:37pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Fox Meyer

Human brains are not designed to sit at a desk and memorise content for hours on end, they’re built to remember stories. When we stop thinking in terms of stories, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. This is especially poignant in the grown-up sciences, which have traditionally felt Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Bloody Hell

Posted 6:24pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Critic

Now, I’ve got a lot of issues, and chronic sinus problems is one of them. Usually, in my day-to-day life, my chronic sinus pain and blockage doesn’t bother me apart from the odd sniffle or headache. But in my sex life, well, that’s a different story.  Let me set the scene. Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 5

Posted 6:22pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 You need sleep, tequila, and the ability to learn what quiet hours are.  Breakfast to have: Greek yoghurt bowl.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Pisces women are like Taylor Swift. Every time a man wrongs you, you just get hotter and more famous. Read more...

Fizzliss Cranberry & Apple Vodka

Posted 6:17pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Chug Norris

I was going to review Fizzliss’ new Pineapple and Passionfruit flavour but it had sold out in every store in Dunedin, so it must be good. Instead I acquired the formerly infamous Cranberry flavour to see if it still maintained its laxative properties. It did not. But it does taste way Read more...

Skuxx Food | Spicy Chorizo Pasta

Posted 6:15pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Use this recipe as a base for any tomato ragù-based pasta dish! Simply swap out the chorizo and mushrooms for any other meat and vegetables of your choice. Get creative, stay skuxx.  Serves 6  Ingredients:  600 grams of short pasta (I used rigatoni, but penne or Read more...

Snoop Dog

Posted 6:10pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

In this column, we’ll be using the internet to try to figure out exactly where people took their random photos. This week, we had an image supplied by a Mr. Abel. Let’s see if we can figure out exactly where it was taken. First Thoughts: Alright, I think this is somewhere in the US or Read more...

Cheeky Cheater Cheats Cheap Cheaters

Posted 5:37pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Sometimes failure can lead people to their true calling, as recently discovered by an entrepreneur who lost her passion for first year Health Sci after one failed progress test. Now pursuing a Business degree, Critic became aware of Annie after several tearful complaints from Auckland HSFY students Read more...

Discussion-Dominating Student Dismisses Claims of Disruption

Posted 5:36pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Critic Te Arohi had a chat with Danny, a third year student who, according to the Geography department, takes up 60% of discussion time in tutorials.  “I mean, I don’t really do the readings but I just kinda catch the vibe,” he told Critic through hoons that he blew in our Read more...

Bush-bound Bandit Bamboozled by Bureaucracy

Posted 5:35pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Jamie O’Mannin, 31, was recently arrested after spending the last 12 years living on the West Coast, subsisting off of freeze-dried meals stolen from trampers spending the night in DoC huts. He had overstayed his visa by 11 years. Jamie was arrested last week, when he was caught in Mt. Read more...

Beezies Bewildered by Bad Beverage Breakouts

Posted 5:34pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Local girls have recently been shocked to discover that their ultra-healthy, sugar-free RTDs have horrible side effects. Critic Te Arohi spoke to Samantha who bemoaned, “I can’t believe it. My collagen boosting drink with notes of aloe vera and angel piss gave me a pimple the next Read more...

Satellites are Scary

Posted 5:05pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

The United States has this plane called the Dragon Lady. The U-2, like the band. It’s a spyplane, originally from the Cold War era. There’s a camera on the bottom of this thing, a big glass ball that sticks out. From the stratosphere, it can tell if you’re holding a can of Coke or Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | A Cocktower Confession

Posted 3:19pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Critic

Once upon a time, in a place not too far away, your girl did something a lil’ bit nasty on Uni grounds. I had been going to some university events which I shall not name, in the sake of protecting my identity and, well, my ego. While I was there, I met a pretty cute boy whom I shall call Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 4

Posted 3:14pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Sup baby, take me out to dinner.  Drug to try: The humble weed brownie.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Not everything is a metaphor. Stop reading into every single miniscule detail of your life. It’s just not that fucking deep.  Drug to Read more...

Booze Reviews | Jameson Irish Whiskey

Posted 3:07pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Chug Norris

This St Paddy’s day I was on a diet, so I bought a bottle of Jameson whiskey instead of beer. Instead of standing around in near darkness and hating our lives, a group of us decided to go for an expedition to the reservoir for a change in scenery. I did not want to be lugging around a glass Read more...

Skuxx Food | Chicken burgers

Posted 3:05pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Chicken burgers with grilled pineapple, avo and caramelised onions It took a lengthy discussion between myself and 5 of my flatmates to work out how to explain what butterflying a chicken breast actually entails. I hope you learn something from those 10 minutes we’ll never get Read more...

GUEST EDITORIAL: Concerta Tales

Posted 1:14pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Mary Jane

I wake up. The radio station in my head is already blaring. Too many glockies. Too many fucking glockieeees! This song has been in my head for the last 36 hours.  Oh shit, I’m hungover. I’m anxious. The podcasters who run my internal monologue are arguing again. You’ve got Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | How I Caught an S-T-Daddy

Posted 1:42pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Critic

After spending 4 months in one of New Zealand’s shittest small towns, sleeping in a single bed, and spending all my time with my parents and the one friend I still talk to from high school, I was horny and ready to get back out into Dunedin.  It was my first night back and I was alone Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 3

Posted 1:38pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, why be so hard on yourself? Life is far too short to continue to criticise yourself. Be young, be free.  End of iso activity: exposing your deepest and darkest secrets to people whilst drunk.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I get it, you Read more...

Booze Reviews | Carlsberg Elephant Extra Strong

Posted 1:33pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Chug Norris

Picture this: your fuck-up of a flatmate got Covid so now you have to isolate with two people you can barely stand for at least 10 days with no chance of distraction or escape. What do you do? How do you get along with flatmates that you hate? The answer, I found, was to drink 10.5% Elephant Read more...

Skuxx Food | Fish Tacos with Crunchy Asian Slaw

Posted 1:27pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

This is the ideal student meal if you’re using frozen fish, but also one to blow your flatmates away with a boujee fresh fish option. Choose your fighter.  Enough for six people to have two tacos each Ingredients For tacos:  6-8 frozen crumbed fish fillets; or 6-8 fresh Read more...

We Need to Re-Think Toilets

Posted 4:54pm Saturday 12th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

The porcelain throne, like any monarchy, is outdated. It’s an invention that was brought into the mainstream in a time of unprecedented wealth and prosperity. It was a groundbreaking innovation, one that brought sanitation into the homes of millions. But we can do better. Every time you Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Hungry like the Wolf

Posted 5:31pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Critic

So this one’s a bit of a doozy. I was coming out of a long relationship and looking to get back out there. I had this sort of mutual friend, and I could tell for a while that there were some definite vibes kicking off between us, so one night, on the couch I was squatting on, we got down to Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 2

Posted 5:28pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Keep developing that character and nicotine addiction, bestie!  Iso activity: becoming TikTok famous   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Sure, being funny is cool and all but so is addressing your deep rooted trauma. Maybe it’s time to check in with Read more...

Booze Reviews | Ranfurly Draught

Posted 5:20pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Chug Norris

Long ago, in a simpler time, a time of carefree binge drinking uninterrupted by lockdowns, there existed the greatest beers ever to be brewed: Southern Golds. They were a humble beverage, with a quiet but confident air that reassured you as you grasped their beautiful golden exterior that, in the Read more...

Skuxx Deluxe | Chinese-inspired Chicken Noodle Soup

Posted 5:11pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

If you’re like half of North Dunedin, you may have been hit by the big C this past week. Whether that is Covid or Chlamydia, this Chinese-inspired chicken noodle soup is sure to bring you back to full health in no time.    Serves 6-8 hungry people! (Probably with leftovers to Read more...

EDITORIAL: This was never a peaceful protest

Posted 1:06pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

Helluva week, huh? We’ve got a war, we’ve got a scary new climate report, and we’ve got the shitstorm that blew through parliament grounds on Wednesday. This whole issue of Critic has a bit of a calamitous fog hanging over it, which you can probably tell from the cover. I guess Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Not into that shit

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Critic

I believe I have had the shittiest attempt at a hookup ever.  To set the scene: I’d just freshly moved out of my mum’s house into my first flat. My flatmates are both out so I decide fuck it, time to hop on Grindr, what’s the worst that could happen? So I message this guy Read more...

Skuxx Deluxe | Green Mac and Cheese

Posted 4:12pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Green Mac and Cheese This rendition of your classic mac ‘n cheese is perfect for post-O Week, when your hangover isn't budging but your body is begging for some nutrients. It's effectively like you’re 5-years-old again and your mum is disguising your vegetables under a pile of Read more...

Booze Reviews | Tui 7.2% Strong Lager

Posted 4:06pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Chug Norris

Tui has done it again. Earlier, with their standard lager, the brewery perfectly captured the taste of a minor fuck-up, a small leak in the life-boat, a failure to look both ways at a railway crossing, a sneaky look down the barrel of a firework to see why it isn’t working.  But now, Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 1

Posted 4:04pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 You’ve done a lot of personal growth over the summer, and renegotiated a lot of relationships. Remember to not beat yourself up about the past.  New Year's resolution: setting personal boundaries and not falling back into toxic Read more...

Emergency Summit Fails To Avert Fresher-Second Year War

Posted 3:09pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

A fragile peace between first- and second-years has collapsed amidst accusations of aggression on both sides. Relations between the two groups frayed after mass movements of freshers were detected around the traditionally second-year strongholds of Castle Street and Forth Street. Concerns about Read more...

Shopping trolley stocks plummet as students hit north D

Posted 3:08pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Supermarkets across the city are reporting shortages of shopping trolleys, as students move into town and claim the sterling vessels as their own. “It’s madness”, said one New World employee. “Yesterday, I saw a woman back her RAV-4 all the way up to the building’s door Read more...

EDITORIAL: If we had student bars, I bet there’d be less news about party breaches

Posted 2:27pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Fox Meyer

There is no student bar this year. That’s a first for Dunedin, as far as I can tell.  See, student bars are like whales. In the mid 1800’s, Pākehā settlers set up shop on the peninsula and hunted migrant whales by the boatload until they learned to avoid Dunedin. By the Read more...

OPINION: It's Looking Pretty Grim for Dunedin Students

Posted 1:46pm Saturday 26th February 2022 by Elliot Weir

I hate to add more doom and gloom to your day, but at the moment, it’s looking pretty grim for Dunedin students. If you’re reading this then you’re probably one of those students, and I don’t need to tell you. You’ve got emails, tiktoks, and an itchy feeling in the back Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 3:47pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Fuck your exams. Send it away, have a drink or 26. Don’t listen to logic or reason. You’re a party rocker and you’re in the house tonight. Summer activity: going on a three month bender   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Have courage in what Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | A Sinking Feeling

Posted 3:40pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Critic

Out Of Reach The knock at the door got me jumping off the bed in seconds. I ran down the stairs, excited to see her. My eyes lit up as I saw her. My new vibrator was just as I had imagined, a petite wee thing, exactly like her profile. I escorted her upstairs to my room. Things escalated quickly Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 3:34pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Sticking your head out of the car window with your mouth open. It’s NOT safe and I do not do it but it’s bloody brilliant #maincharacter Justifying massive and expensive Shein hauls just because you’re vegan (we all make mistakes ok). Even the most northern of Read more...

Rare Covid Strain Emerges In North D: Brovid-19

Posted 3:30pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following an emergency 1pm presser this afternoon, the nation has been alerted to the emergence of a dangerous new strain of Covid. The outbreak is centered on Dunedin North, according to Minister of Finance and assistant Prime Minister Grant “Red Robbo” Robertson who told the Read more...

Booze Reviews | El Jimador Blaco

Posted 3:24pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Abraham Drinkin'

I bought my bottle of El Jimador Blaco on a Thursday afternoon, dreading the prospect of consuming the sheer volume of a full box of beers. While perusing the RTD section of Leith Liquor, inspiration struck me like a bolt of lightning: spirits were the answer to my problem. Pleased with my Read more...

EDITORIAL: Peace out

Posted 8:41am Sunday 10th October 2021 by Erin Gourley

Welcome to the last issue. I’m writing this on the final print night of Critic Te Arohi for 2021. We’ve made 26 issues of this magazine for you over the year. That means that I get to be nostalgic in this editorial. At the start of the year, 26 issues seemed like a lot. A lot of Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 12:39am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Alice Taylor

Chocolate Biscuit Fudge It’s getting to the time of the year when the finances are looking extremely scant, and the stress levels are high because of exams. This biscuit fudge recipe is perfect because it won’t break the bank. I find that fudge tends to be one of the best remedies for Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Serving our country

Posted 12:38am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Critic

With daylight savings creeping up, it’s time for me to reminisce on what I was doing this time last year. My lovely friend (we’ll call her Sophie) and I had decided to head to Christchurch, with hopes of pulling a pair of guys. After trying to shotgun a few too many drinks beforehand, Read more...