Archive

Parents Bribed Uni to Stop Students from Returning Home: OIA

Posted 3:53pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

The email from Otago suggesting Health Sci students who went home were “gambling with their academic futures” was a result of pressure, begging, and bribery from parents, according to emails released to the Critical Tribune. In an email that caused stress for many students wishing to Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 3:49pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Making a lockdown bingo with your flatties since you all know each other FAR too intimately now (e.g. Niamh asks how to spell something).  Going for a run, it’s such an event. I do my eyeliner for that shit these days. Beer pong practice, those sexy breathas won’t know Read more...

Booze Reviews | White Wine

Posted 3:47pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Chug Norris

Now of course, white wine is a pretty broad category. But there’s a reason I’m not distinguishing sauvignon wanc and presling. There is simply no way I am going to review every slight fucking variation of white wine especially considering that there are hundreds of wineries for each Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 3:43pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Times are tough. You’re probably bored out of your brains at home. Try watching all your lectures and keep on top of things over lockdown so the workload doesn’t pile up.  Lockdown activity: studying with lofi beats    Pisces Feb Read more...

EDITORIAL | An ode to Singstar, the very best lockdown activity

Posted 1:20pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Erin Gourley

Lockdown boredom takes you to some weird places. You cry at TV shows, get emotional about your no-stakes game of poker, learn how to play field hockey and hurt your back. I know of just one game that involves no pain, only fun and bad singing: Singstar. Singstar is the perfect lockdown activity Read more...

Crossword (Issue 20)

Posted 1:26pm Monday 23rd August 2021 by Ciara White

Scroll down for the crossword from our current issue.  Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Juicy Stuff in a Juicy Van

Posted 4:30pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Critic

This story begins with a weekend trip to Queenstown with the girls. Drinking? Yes. Lines in town which are shorter than two hours? Yes. Hitting the slopes while we’re at it? Big yes. Half a bottle of fireball and a full face of makeup later, we find our way to town. By this point, Read more...

Breather Develops New Pull-Tab Method to Open Cans

Posted 4:27pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A local breatha, Devan, has after years of experimentation reached a breakthrough in accessing the liquid contents of RTDs.  By pulling the tab on the top of the can, a hole is opened which allows convenient sipping without any mess or unnecessary brain injuries. Until just one week ago, Read more...

Dunedin Hospital Moves Geriatric Ward To Face Hayward College

Posted 4:26pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following complaints from Dunedin Hospital’s children’s ward about seeing “certain naked activities at night” from Hayward College across the road, the Hospital has stumbled upon a win-win situation: moving the geriatric ward to face the hall of residence instead. Dr. Burt Read more...

Horny Singles in your Area Still Ready to Mingle, Despite Level 4 Protocol

Posted 4:25pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Critic can confirm that the plethora of lonely MILF’s advertised by sketchy websties are still “seeking company” in these trying times.  Apparently unaware of, or at least willfully ignorant of, the lockdown procedure, these charming ladies have not backed down from Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Alice Taylor

Falafel  I was inspired to publish this recipe for two reasons. Firstly, while I am a proud and devoted lover of cheese and carbs, I realised that the majority of my most recent recipes were incredibly beige, creamy and cheesy. And secondly, lunch is by far my least favorite meal to make. Read more...

Hardcover Novel in Student Flat Hopeful of Finally Being Read

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A hardcover copy of “The Luminaries”, which has been gathering dust in a shady corner of a Dundas Street flat, is optimistic that it will finally be read over the lockdown period. The 2020 edition of Eleanor Catton’s book was purchased as a Christmas gift last year, by the Read more...

Booze Reviews | Speight's

Posted 4:16pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by @stassielijoshbeer

If you’re sick of the average chat of our weekly booze review and want to see some serious reviews of more quality beers, then check out @stassielijoshbeer on instagram. They are three flatmates who have committed to doing in-depth reviews of a bunch of NZ crafties. Just to fuck with them, Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 4:13pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to give yourself a pat on the back. It’s nearly the end of the year, and you’ve made it this far. Keep pushing onwards my Aquarians xx  Habit to break: procrastination   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’ve never Read more...

EDITORIAL: Lock-a-down-a! Here we go again

Posted 1:57pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Erin Gourley

Lots of déjà vu around at the moment. I’ve barely processed the snap lockdown. Three days feels short, like a nice break, but it looks like it will be longer than that. Time is already starting to do that stretchy thing it does when all the days are the same. I’m writing Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Is the gag reflex mental? No, here’s the proof

Posted 2:39pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Critic

I had moved into a flat after living with my ex whose name for the story shall be Luke. My flattie and I were downing gin and juice while playing board games having a grand ol’ time. Once she carked it in bed, I thought “this is a perfect opportunity to sneak around to my ex’s Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 2:36pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Alice Taylor

Nutella Bread and Butter Pudding (AKA Baked French Toast) This pudding is easy and cheap. If you don’t have too much experience baking, it’s a great place to start.  It is exceptionally difficult to fuck up, because it is literally white bread smothered in Nutella and soaked in Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 2:32pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to give yourself a pat on the back. It’s nearly the end of the year, and you’ve made it this far. Keep pushing onwards my Aquarians xx  Habit to break: procrastination   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’ve never met a Read more...

Rate or Hate: Art Edition

Posted 2:21pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Interpretive dance. I’m not being ironic, I literally rate that shit as art.  That ‘Norman For You’ episode called Dumb Starbucks that people thought might be a Banksy installation before the episode aired.  The girl flatmates’ art and wine nights. I Read more...

Editorial: I admit it, we slept on Konya Kebabs

Posted 6:12pm Sunday 15th August 2021 by Erin Gourley

Last week we were inundated with criticism for an article. No, it wasn’t the investigation into neo-Nazis. It was the kebab review. As soon as it was posted on Facebook the comments started. The people were angry. They said, amongst other things:   “WHERE IS Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Sandy Cheeks

Posted 2:39am Monday 9th August 2021 by Critic

Once upon a summer's day, a beautiful princess was finishing her last exam. Her (not really) Prince Charming was waiting outside the exam room with a cup of tea, a packed lunch and his noble steed, a Toyota people-mover with amazing fuel economy. It had been a couple of lonely days with the exam Read more...

Fresher Denies Kissing His Mother

Posted 2:37am Monday 9th August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Ethan, a fresher at UniCol, has insisted that he “didn’t even” get a kiss from his mum as she was saying goodbye after a recent visit.  Ethan’s parents were down from Auckland on a business trip and “just thought they’d pop by and see how Ethan was Read more...

City Councillor Encourages Wholesome, Old-Timey Kids Activities

Posted 2:36am Monday 9th August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Firebrand councillor Pete No-Fun voiced stern opposition to a planned multi-million dollar kids playground today, saying that it was a waste of money and that he didn’t need a large, elaborate playground to have a perfectly happy, fulfilling childhood.  He spoke up after Mayor A.A. Ron Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 2:33am Monday 9th August 2021 by Alice Taylor

Macaroni and Cheese Few things in life are as good as a bowl of carbohydrate drenched in creamy, cheese laden sauce. Some people like to add veggies to their mac and cheese, and look, I will not judge you if you do that. You are free to make your mac and cheese as you wish. In my opinion though, Read more...

Booze Reviews | NZ Lager

Posted 2:32am Monday 9th August 2021 by Chug Norris

NZ lager is without a doubt one of the most reliable drinks in Aotearoa. Like a plank of four by two, a per capita medal tally, and a piece of number eight wire, it represents the robust, old NZ that may still exist but has been obscured by metropolitan ideals. The can is black, the colour of the Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 2:30am Monday 9th August 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Bringing eye drops with you to town, no one needs to know. My family dog not dying (at time of writing, I will update next week). Pushing in the pint night line because you “know someone”. My new best friend happens to be just before those metal dividers. Walking home Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 2:18am Monday 9th August 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time for your annual breakdown. Make sure you schedule in extra self-care this week. Start using more post-it notes to organise your life.  Workout to try: running    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Do some fucking study for God’s Read more...

GUEST EDITORIAL: I spent six months undercover in a neo-Nazi group and it was not fun

Posted 12:45am Monday 9th August 2021 by Elliot Weir

The only funny moment throughout this investigation was on a hike undercover, when three members of Action Zealandia were captivated by an impressive rainbow stretched out across the Wellington skyline. They insisted that, because it had seven colours rather than six, it was “God’s Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Requires A-cyst-ance

Posted 6:46pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Critic

Journey back with me to fresher year. I’d heard about the joy of living next to a Uni campus and shoving Tinder on less than 2km, but I was yet to experience it first-hand until that fateful night. It was exam season so I was ready for some classic D-stressing. After a few slightly above Read more...

BCom Student Reckons Weekly Ski Trips Help You Study

Posted 6:40pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Toby Tremain, a BCom student at Otago, has made waves with his bold claims that weekly ski trips help rather than hinder your grades. “Yeah look mate, it’s all about balance isn’t it,” he yelled at the Critical Tribune’s sole reporter out the window of OUSA’s Read more...

Dunedin Shitposter Lives Perfectly Wholesome, Balanced Life

Posted 6:39pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A Dunedin shitposter has revealed the secret to his page’s consistently on-point humour: healthy living.  Tane is the admin of “gear up buttercup,” whose posts about the little everyday struggles of life are beloved by his 23,185 Facebook followers. What few of those Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 6:33pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Alice Taylor

I love granola, but I certainly do not love the price of the store bought stuff. The good granola costs about $2 per seed, and that simply is not okay. So instead, I buy my ingredients in bulk and make it at home. This is the basic recipe, but you can mix it up with whatever nuts and seeds you Read more...

Guest Edition Booze Review: Water

Posted 6:30pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Bert "Diggity Dog" Dangerfield

Salutations, it’s your old mate Bert Dangerfield (Ex Regional Worksafe Co-Coordinator Southern Southland Region) here to talk to you about the elixir of youth. Did you know that multiple studies have consistently shown that there is no safe level of alcohol consumption? Alcohol has Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 5:38pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate My friend who suddenly cares about the Olympics because she wants to root one of the NZ swimmers. Go queen!! He is probably in a dry spell with those cardboard beds.  Watching breathas get upset on their Instagram stories when Kanye predictably delayed his album, great Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 5:37pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Stop taking unjustified risks. It’s not funny, it’s just stupid.  Hobby to try: sobriety    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Don’t let the imposter syndrome bring you down. You got this.  Hobby to try: Read more...

Editorial: The Google game is the best part of the Olympics

Posted 1:21am Saturday 31st July 2021 by Erin Gourley

The Olympics are great. I love being distracted from my life by watching people who are more motivated than me and hotter than me do pointless tasks. But the Google game that they’ve created for the Olympics? It’s even better than the real thing. At first I was confused. It seemed Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Derry Dick

Posted 6:05pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Critic

It was a typical evening on Grindr. Not much was happening. I was being sent a few unsolicited dick pics y'know, just the standard scrolling and sending boring messages. My ex had broken up with me recently, so at this stage of my life I was near rock bottom.  I started talking to a Read more...

Third-Year Blames Freshers For Illness, Not Week of Binge Drinking

Posted 6:03pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Logan, a third year student studying geography, has come to the conclusion the Fresher Flu, spread by first-years, is to blame for his current cough and runny nose. He has been on a bender for five days but he insists that this is unrelated to his current illness.  “My immune system is Read more...

GRFT101 Is The First Ever Tertiary-Level Grifting Course

Posted 6:02pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Otago Universe-City LTD has released a new product to the North Dunedin market. The limited liability company said in a press release that it was “excited” and “thrilled” to be offering the southern hemisphere’s first class on grifting as a first step in establishing Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 6:00pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Alice Taylor

Like most good things in life, cooking lasagne takes time, effort and emotional energy. But it is well worth it. If you feel like devoting a few hours into making something quite extraordinary, then I encourage you to cook this recipe. I have intentionally made this lasagne quite large because if Read more...

Kingfisher Lager

Posted 5:57pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Chug Norris

I consumed Kingfisher after an incredibly dusty Thursday in Re-O Week. As I perused the selection at Leith Liquor, I could think only of the inevitable pain that another box would bring me, and the horrors of Dunedin drinking culture which had led me to this point. I had only tried Kingfisher once Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 5:54pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Making out. I think it’s a dead romance! I love just lazily making out with someone all morning. Beautiful stuff.  People who ASK if they can choke you. WAY better than just randomly being near-suffocated in the Subs bathrooms with no warning. Those boxers that have a little Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 5:52pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re O might be over, but don’t let that stop you. Have a few cheeky ones this week at Pint Night.  Sex tip: root and scoot    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Sex tip: loosen up in the bedroom    Aries Mar Read more...

EDITORIAL: Porn has fucked us up

Posted 3:14pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Erin Gourley

CW: Choking, violence, sex Porn has fucked us up. By us, I mean specifically Gen Z and younger Millennials, i.e most of us who are at University right now. I wasn’t worried about this a week ago but now I am.  This week, I wrote a feature about how normal choking during sex has Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | A Spicy Night

Posted 4:45pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Critic

Every Sunday night, my boyfriend and I have a customary hot wings night. We believe in the ring of fire creating wings, nothing mild. These wings would emit enough heat to toast several bags of marshmallows. After devouring what some would call the absolute mother of all wings, leaving our lips Read more...

Student Excited To Stop Hiding True Self From Parents After Holidays

Posted 4:44pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Many students dread the end of the uni holidays, but for Otago dentistry student Paul Zhang, it cannot come soon enough.  A fortnight of trying to suppress his newfound work-hard, play-hard attitude and his increasingly liberal sociopolitical attitudes from those he grew up with has really Read more...

Fresher Finally Meets Someone From Mosgiel

Posted 4:43pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Mosgiel is a place that many people have only heard about, but UniCol fresher Aimee Fredericks was lucky enough to meet someone hailing from just west of Dunedin at a party in Re-O. “I’d only ever heard about the Mosgiel sign on the news!” she said. “The first time I drove Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 4:41pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Alice Taylor

Creamy Thai Carrot and Coconut Soup  This recipe is inspired by the most delicious carrot soup that my flatmate cooks. I love to make it at the start of the week, freeze it in ziplock bags, and then I have lunch ready to go whenever I need it. I have not cooked pumpkin soup since I made Read more...

Greenhill Lime and Elderflower Seltzers

Posted 4:38pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Chug Norris

When I consumed the Greenhill Seltzers I was struck by divine inspiration. It all began when I heard a knock on the door late one afternoon. Opening the door there was no one around, but before me lay a baby perched on the doorstep of my flat. Its cradle was illuminated by a ray of golden light that Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 4:36pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Dropping out of uni and buying a season pass to the ski fields, sorry Mum. Full year papers having no first sem exams. Sorry to my flatties who had to watch me get otp since May.  The new Vice-Chancellor being called Dave. Just saying no one has seen him and David Schwimmer in the Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 4:34pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to assess your life choices, how did you end up this way? Cafe to try: Modaks Espresso    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Emotional attachment is scary. Learn how to deal with it.  Cafe to try: Buster Read more...

Editorial: Anybody wanna buy some data?

Posted 2:12pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Erin Gourley

I have learned more about you all than I ever could have hoped.  I know your age, year of study, major, whether you went straight from high school to uni, how prepared you felt starting uni, the most interesting paper you took, whether you work while you study, how much work impacts your Read more...

A Bit of Olive Oil

Posted 1:49pm Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Critic

I was desperate. After a large dry spell of bad sexual encounters, the only thing more down than my self-esteem was the flaccid dicks that had writhed limply in my mouth. It had been over a year without a dick entering my pussy and let me tell you it was not from a lack of trying.  Flash Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 1:47pm Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Alice Taylor

I am an advocate for potato in any form, but bangers and mash is one of my favorite ways to consume this glorious food. On countless occasions, I plan to cook this meal, then give up on the bangers and eat the mash by itself. I encourage you to cook the whole dish – it is utterly Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 1:40pm Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Keep focusing on yourself, trust your instincts, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, gorgeous.  Re Ori Activity: pint night    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Stop letting your emotional outbursts and overly critical tendencies ruin your Read more...

Local Produce: Glacé Accessories

Posted 1:33pm Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Annabelle Vaughan

During last year's Covid-19 lockdown, housebound people up and down the country got creative with their time. One of these people was Zhaqueal, a fourth-year dental technology student and owner of up and coming hair accessory business, Glacé.  Zhaqueal’s hair accessories Read more...

EDITORIAL | No singular person can fairly review the bars of Dunedin

Posted 10:40am Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Erin Gourley

AN OFFICE DIVIDED: We tried to review the bars of Dunedin and now several of our staff members are not on speaking terms. The opposing sides of this debate were immovable in their devotion to their favourite watering holes.  Initially, Culture Editor Annabelle Vaughan volunteered to write Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The River Thames

Posted 8:31pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Critic

I was fresh. Fresh to death some would say, and on my own in London. And when left alone in a new city in a different country, with extremely limited resources, what is one to do? Explore your sexuality with strangers!  Luckily a strange and suspiciously handsome man was willing to oblige. Read more...

Amazing! Child of Real-Life Medical Doctor Is Doing Health Sci

Posted 8:26pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

The rumours are true. A Critical Tribune investigation has found that the child of an actual, actively practicing medical doctor is doing health sci at Otago this year.  The child, which the Tribune has chosen not to name in order to preserve their privacy, said that until recently, she had Read more...

Touching! “Evil” Landlord Donates Generously To Charity, Proves Naysayers Wrong

Posted 8:25pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Who says landlords are pure evil? While some of our more extremist writers like to push this sensationalist, one-sided argument, in the pursuit of fairness and balance, the Tribune can EXCLUSIVELY reveal a landlord branded as “evil” and “fraudulent” actually has a real heart Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 8:20pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Time to Potluck I take potlucks so seriously that I do fear that I suck the fun and joy out of the process for everyone else. Tiramisu is the ultimate potluck meal. It is sweet, when most people bring savoury. You can make it in advance. You keep it in the fridge and don’t need to bake or Read more...

Booze Reviews | Vailima 6.7

Posted 8:18pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Chug Norris

Feeling drained, literally, by my Fizzliss experience last week, I decided to fortify my strength by returning to my origins: Beer. I went into Henry’s and picked up something called “Vailima.” The name alone intrigued me. Just in time for Samoan language week, I learned that Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 8:12pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Olivia Rodrigo’s entire new album being about her shitbag ex. Favourite Crime hits very diff. Name and shame baby x J Lo getting back with her ex after almost my entire lifetime. Usually I would never encourage that but it’s actually quite a beautiful love story.  The Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 8:07pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Were you silent, or were you silenced? Tabloid scandal to revisit: Going to rehab    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 You need an ego check. Tabloid scandal to revisit: The Crown killed Diana    Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Tis the Read more...

Local Produce: Hot Sauce Club

Posted 7:59pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Sean Gourley

Image credit: Rosa Nevison Hot Sauce Club are a recent band on the Dunedin scene. They’ve taken Dunedin by storm with a continuous series of gigs since their venue debut at Starters. Their Spotify is still in the pipes at the moment but check out their Insta @hotsauceclub. The band consists Read more...

EDITORIAL | I’m very tempted to make Critic this TRASHY all the time

Posted 3:23pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Erin Gourley

Howdy folks and welcome to the Critic Tabloid issue! Oh boy, oh boy, do we have some salacious stories for you in this one! We’ve finally lost all sense of direction and become an actual rag! We’ve filled this bad boy right to the brim with some piping hot scoops that were legally Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Double Dipping

Posted 1:03am Monday 24th May 2021 by Critic

Back in the innocent days of my youth (i.e. early 2020, before the world went to shit) I decided that I was going to spend my year overseas. However, I had one last conquest to tick off before I did so. Under the ruse of coming back to see my friends for one last hoorah, I arrived in Dunedin with a Read more...

Guy Buys Girlfriend Incorrect Tampons, Hailed By The Boys As Hero

Posted 1:01am Monday 24th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Davo was recently the talk of the town after actually nipping up to Gardens New World to buy his girlfriend sanitary products. “What a good guy,” said his mate Freddy. “So brave”, said Jono, nodding in agreement. Davo told the Tribune that on the way back from picking up Read more...

Flatmate Hasn’t Cleaned Mooncup in Two Years

Posted 1:00am Monday 24th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

“Bro she just keeps leaving it on the pile of dishes like she expects us to wash it,” said one disgruntled breatha. “Like, what does she think we are, a cleaning service?”  The bleeder’s menstrual cup is a purple, latex design that she describes as Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 12:59am Monday 24th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

M&M Cookies    I find that cookies are a solution to most of life’s tough problems. Is your friend heartbroken? Bake them cookies. Are you stressed? Bake yourself cookies? Friend’s birthday, but you’re poor? Cookies. Need to say sorry? Cookies. To conclude this Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 12:53am Monday 24th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Menstrual cups. Very cool and environmentally friendly and they’re way easier to insert than they look.  Period sex. Chuck a towel down and get amongst it fellas. Getting your period just when you’re about to head to the Albany St Pharmacy for a pregnancy test. A Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 12:49am Monday 24th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 With exams approaching, you may need to work on your attention span.  This week’s craving: a whole bag of twisties   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Time to snuggle up, cry and shut yourself out from the world.  This week’s craving: Read more...

Library Fine CDOs the Future of University Financial Strategy

Posted 4:46pm Wednesday 19th May 2021 by Critic

In a stroke of genius, the University of Otago has bundled individual outstanding library fines, referred to as book-backed securities (BS), into collateralised debt obligations (CDOs) made up of thousands of outstanding fines. It is rumoured that the promising financial strategy was adopted in Read more...

Local Man Talks Back To Mechanic, Becomes New Alpha Male

Posted 4:45pm Wednesday 19th May 2021 by Critic

In what was hailed as a world-first, a Dunedin man has successfully challenged his mechanic for the coveted position of alpha male. It began when Rob noticed the automatic transmission on his beloved 2011 Volkswagen Golf was beginning to shift oddly. He took it to Mike’s Mechanics down the Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Gym-buddies With Benefits

Posted 5:14pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Critic

I had never been much of a gym girl. I did the occasional squats, cardio, dumbbells and all that jazz, but I’d never fully committed. So, one day, I thought I’d finally start working towards my lifelong goal of becoming as buff as Korra. This entailed getting a gym membership that I Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 5:12pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Bacon, Broccoli and Pea Risotto  This is my go-to recipe for when I don’t want to wash up lots of pots and pans. It’s simple, it’s delicious, and everyone loves it. My favourite thing to do with a risotto is to add camembert or brie cheese. I know it sounds a bit weird, but Read more...

Woodstock Bourbon and Cola Raspberry Edition

Posted 5:10pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Chug Norris

Woodstock Raspberry tastes like if a Liquorice Allsort and a rat had a kid. It tastes like a raspberry bun except instead of filling it with jam, they filled with regurgitated Billy Mavs. It tastes like a Razor Scooter to the ankle. It tastes like binge drinking on a dark field when you’re 16. Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 5:07pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate: People putting a fuckton of rubbish on their lawns in protest of the Uni’s 1984 vibes. The Proctor can’t fine us all, or can he?? Getting breathas at the bar at pint night to choose my drink for me. Speights is NOT good and I don’t care that I’m from Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 5:03pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Learn to stand up for yourself, doormat. Good deed for the week: Picking up rubbish    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 In the coming week you’re going to catch feelings. Stop before you start.  Good deed for the week: Doing your Read more...

EDITORIAL: Let Scrumpy hands die

Posted 3:36pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Erin Gourley

There, there. It’s over now. You can relax. No more shall the threat of scrumpy hands plague these streets. No more shall students walk the streets in fear of the next red card where they will be forced to drink two bottles of the worst form of alcohol imaginable. Scrumpy hands is no more. Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Like a Chainsaw

Posted 4:21pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Critic

I had a lot of questions when I first came into the possession of some anal beads, courtesy of Critic for some prior raunchy content. I had delved into a bit of butt stuff before but nothing much more than a thumb up the bum or a weak and dissatisfying attempt at anal. This gift had my senses piqued Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate:  The theory that Epstein DIDN’T kill himself. That’s not even a conspiracy theory at this point it just simply was a cover up by rich American child sex traffickers. The JonBenét Ramsay theory: I am fairly certain that it was the brother and the parents covered it Read more...

Fuck, I’m Cold!

Posted 4:17pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Congratulations my friends, we have unofficially descended into Dunedin’s bone-chilling winter. As I struggle to come to terms with this reality, I have been comforting my soul with this Potato and Leek Soup. This recipe is perfect for those chilly days, and it won’t break the bank Read more...

Booze Reviews | Soju

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Chug Norris

Following in the footsteps of Marco Polo I embarked on a tasting of the Korean spirit soju. Originally brewed as a pure spirit, soju now comes in a range of fruit flavours. I selected three flavours from the Chateul Soorok brand for consideration. I’ll be honest I had never even heard of Soju Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 4:11pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Vape juice isn’t a substitute for serotonin.  Coping mechanism: Therapy  Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Keep having low standards, it’s only up from here.  Coping mechanism: Maladaptive daydreaming   Aries Mar 21 - Apr Read more...

EDITORIAL: Please listen to me

Posted 2:15pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Erin Gourley

A few years ago it would have been weirD to create an entire issue about conspiracies. They weren’t that relevant. If you said conspiracies, people didn’t think of vaccines or 5G, they thought of JFK and the moon landing. It was a simpler time. These fun little conspiracies didn’t Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Wrong Kind of Bang

Posted 8:29pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

This boy was very cute. French, got the curls, six foot tall, eight inches, the whole package. We were a few dates in by this point, feeling each other out but not quite feeling each other up yet. This bitch was getting horny. One Friday night we decided to get dressed up and go to town. We chatted, Read more...

Dear Critic...

Posted 8:27pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

Dear Critic, I just hope he reads this. To the boy I slept with at Hyde: I have Chlamydia. I’m sorry. You had brown hair, a fade, and were wearing a vest and button-up combo as part of your Peaky Blinders fit. You were drinking Major Major. I think your name was James? I’m not sure. Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 8:25pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

I am literally just saying songs I rate and hate and why. I am not capable of complex thought at this time x   Rate Cellophane by FKA Twigs. I really rate that song and its massive sad indie girl vibes. Slumber Party by Ashnikko ft. Princess Nokia. My flatmate and I learned the Read more...

Fuck, I Have Scurvy!

Posted 8:17pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Veggie Fajitas (to help you avoid scurvy) Though I am a passionate advocate for beige food, I am also passionately against scurvy, that terrible thing my mother threatened I would get if I didn’t eat my peas for dinner. If you feel like it is time to be kind to that beautiful body of yours, Read more...

Booze Reviews | Peronis: Living the High Life

Posted 8:08pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Chug Norris

Italians either succeed at something completely, or they fail at it miserably. Ferraris and World War II are some prime examples of these extremes. Peronis are something that they managed to get right. They are a perfect beer for demonstrating to your peers that you are sophisticated yet down to Read more...

Otago’s New Vice-Chancellor Revealed

Posted 8:01pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following months of speculation, the Uni’s newest Vice-Chancellor has been named as AirFryer PROMAX-XL®. It is Otago’s first Vice-Chancellor of Chinese origin, the first to be a kitchen appliance, and the second soulless machine to hold the position.  The appointment was Read more...

Other Students Fascinated, Dazzled, and In a General State of Awe That You Know the DJ

Posted 7:59pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Students were overwhelmed with Fanzi Pance’s knowledge of local music when, last Saturday night, he proudly informed the people of Catacombs that he knew the DJ. “I’ve never met someone who knows a DJ before,” gushed Jessica, who had consumed two blueberry cruisers that Read more...

EDITORIAL: Tell the Uni where they can stick their rubbish fines

Posted 3:41pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Erin Gourley

Yeah, that’s right, I’m the Proctor and I will impose a daily fine on you if you don’t clean up the rubbish and broken glass outside your flat.  That’s what could happen if you don’t submit against the University’s proposed changes to the Code of Conduct. Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Yanking My Christmas Cracker

Posted 9:58pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

It's December, 2020, and I'm finally back home for Christmas break. With everyone stuck in one small house again (parents, siblings, pets, neighbours coming round), it gets pretty suffocating and sexually frustrating pretty quick. Lucky for me, I have a lad on call with a car. So, Read more...

Dear Critic...

Posted 9:55pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

Dear Critic, Last week I wrote in about a wasp’s nest and you suggested that you could soak it in petrol to get them to move out. Well, the tradies next door got the petrol out of the lawn mower and soaked it, but they ignited it, so now there's a smoldering wasp nest and a swarm of Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 9:53pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

Rate Students who have never once made it to an 8am lecture getting up at 5.30 to start drinking. That’s on priorities.  Boys hitting hyde wearing Peaky Blinders costumes. To the people who reused your teletubby halloween costumes from 2016, step up your game x  The North D Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 9:50pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Alice Taylor

Crazy for Katsu If I was to tally all the money I have spent on food in the last four years, a substantial portion would have been spent on my dearest fried chicken. I do not regret a single cent I have spent on this glorious food, but it was wise to learn how to make it myself. This recipe is Read more...

Booze Reviews | Major Major

Posted 9:40pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Chug Norris

In my extremely shit-faced attempts to find something newsworthy at Hyde I came across a dude pissing against a wall and holding a Major Major. I asked him what he thought of his beverage and he told me: “Bloody good, tastes just like apple-juice.”  That is an excellent summary Read more...

All “Young People on the Property Ladder” Actually Just One Landlord

Posted 9:37pm Monday 26th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a shocking exposé, it has been revealed that all media stories about young people buying houses were faked. A fraudulent Dunedin landlord was hired by the New Zealand Property Investors’ Federation to impersonate young Kiwis buying their first home by putting on a range of Read more...