Moaningful Confessions | Tree roots? More like tree roots, ha!

Moaningful Confessions | Tree roots? More like tree roots, ha!

There’s a big willow tree on the corner of Anzac and Hanover, sorta by the train station. I’ve had sex in it.

It’s the third tree I’ve had sex in but it was certainly the best. I’d been seeing this girl for a while, going to parties together and usually ended up going home together, things were going well, so we decided we wanted to spice things up a bit. We had some stuff planned to go out to a beach or something, but we fucked around all day and it just never happened. 

So one night, we were headed to a party on Hyde. We had our pres, went to the flat, which was pretty shit like there was stuff all over the walls and floor, it was gross. Some dudes hogged the pong table all night and it was cold as fuck and we were bored. Bored, but sloshed. We headed out early, didn’t say bye to anyone, and just bounced.

We were walking back to my flat when she said “do you wanna take a walk?” with that sorta voice that lets you know where things were going. We saw the tree from a while away, and I could tell we were having the same thought. Plenty of leaves, it was dark, seemed like a no-brainer. 

We got under the leaves and saw that the branches were quite low-slung. Being a seasoned tree-fucker at this point, I could spot a winner when I had one. This was a winner. We scrambled up the trunk, and she gave me a cheeky preview as I boosted her up, although we were pretty familiar with each other at this point. We leaned out over one of the thick branches and I got out my thick branch.

It was surprisingly comfortable, and apparently the angle of the branch was great for her pelvic floor or something, I dunno, I’m not a gynaecologist. Every now and then we had to pause as a bunch of students walked by, and at one point, a few of them stopped and pointed at the tree we were in. There’s no way they saw us but I think they thought about coming in, and we would’ve been totally fucked if they had. But they didn’t and we both ended the climbing adventure with a climax, so I consider that an absolute win. 

You probably know the tree I’m talking about, so feel free to check it out for yourself. I don’t think we left any stains behind, but you never know.

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This article first appeared in Issue 8, 2022.
Posted 3:01pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic.