From the brand that brought you the Snoop Dogg merlot, 19 Crimes is back with a penal-themed pinot noir that is more sinkable than the ships that carried their criminal crew to Australia. Coming in at about $20, 19 Crimes hits a solid ratio of about a dollar per crime. Not too shabby, and for a red wine, it’s actually drinkable to the point where you may end up committing 19-or-so crimes before you know what hit you.
It’s a pre-Covid wine, an early 2020, and you could clearly taste that. It also has a scannable label that can “come to life” on your smartphone, which means that these guys had a mandated scanning app before it was cool. The fella on the label was apparently arrested in 1866 in Dublin and shipped down to Australia, and he looks about as bored as we were when we realised the bottle had emptied. We were surprised to discover that, despite coming from Australia, we couldn’t taste even a hint of the misogyny we expected (looking at you, mining industry).
The bottle was split three ways, and each drinker agreed that they wanted more, more, more, until it was all gone. The drop lacked any of the peppery or spicy notes that can make a red wine unsinkable, which is good, because we don’t know how to appraise nice wine anyway. It would make a fantastic mulled wine base, and paired dangerously well with Fireball, so do with that information what you will.
19 Crimes is a great conversation starter, an easy segway into geopolitics or criminal law, which everyone will hate you for. That being said, because of the drinkability and opportunity for heated discussion, 19 Crimes could easily replace your personality with something more palatable.
Tasting notes: an unpaid mortgage, grape juice, red wine without the bite
Froth level: a heated debate about colonisation
Pairs well with: your parents, your parents’ exes, whiskey
Taste rating: 17/19 crimes