Moaningful Confessions | Three’s a Crowd

Moaningful Confessions | Three’s a Crowd

There I was, fresh into my first year at Otago, having spent the first-half semester with my virginity still intact. Not wanting to enter my Fresher Hoe Phase a novice, I was desperate to get some experience during the mid-sem break. Luckily, my friend had the smartest idea: “Why not knock out two birds with one stone?”. I could get my cherry popped, and my friend and her boyfriend would get the threesome they’ve been fantasising about. “Sounds great,” I thought, “what could go wrong?”. 

The day arrived, and like all classy breathas, our set up consisted of a single mattress on my hall bedroom floor, some “magic” brownies and a shitty R&B playlist. Two hours later, we were ready to have the hottest, most Pornhub-worthy threesome known to man. To anyone considering losing their virginity in a threesome I’ll give you two words of advice. One: Don’t. And two: If you’re going to do it, make sure you’re at least half a box deep beforehand. 

We started with some innocent kissing and some stray fingers before things started getting heated. My friend was having the time of her life and the girl-on-girl action was sexy as fuck. The boyfriend and I, however, both now stone cold sober, kept trading awkward glances. We didn’t really know each other that well, and I think we were both starting to regret not downing some bevvies beforehand. Then my friend nudges him towards me. 

It was finally time. I was trading in my v-card and taking my first step towards becoming the hot slutty fresher I was born to be. Then this man, bone fucking dry, no condom, no foreplay, shoves himself straight into me. I let out a shriek (he was not small, let me tell you that) and then there’s blood all over his dick and the mattress. He starts apologising as I, mortified, immediately get up, tell them to finish it off themselves and go have a cold shower. 

To top it all off was the incredibly awkward drive back to their flat afterwards to drop them home as my mum was coming to visit and I needed to clean the damage before she arrived. I’ve had a few more threesomes since then, all of which have definitely been Pornhub worthy. But hey, I’m still in contact with the friend and her fiancée, and now have a killer story to tell as a bridesmaid at their wedding next year.

This article first appeared in Issue 15, 2022.
Posted 5:28pm Sunday 17th July 2022 by Critic.