Horoscopes: Week 9

Horoscopes: Week 9


Jan 20 - Feb 18

There may have been some people leaving your life recently, but just know, you are probably better off without them. Onwards and upwards, my friends. 

Conspiracy to research: Did the Crown kill Diana?



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Wreak havoc. Unleash. The world is your oyster. Do the most questionable and tumultuous things you possibly can. Time is of the essence, and your life is to be lived. 

Conspiracy to research: did Bush do 9/11?



Mar 21 - Apr 19

It’s time to check yourself. Sometimes, your outbursts and stubbornness push people away. If you have had some drama recently, maybe reassess your role in it. 

Conspiracy to research: was Avril Lavigne replaced with a clone? 



Apr 20 - May 20

Sometimes things are good, sometimes they are bad, sometimes they are neither. It’s okay to be numb, take comfort in the experience. 

Conspiracy to research: Big Honey.



May 21 - Jun 20

You are about to enter a new season of your life, and let me tell you, it’s a star-studded line up. 

Conspiracy to research: are we living in a stimulation?



Jun 21 - July 22

Maybe it’s your time to sit down and shut up xo

Conspiracy to research: Slenderman.



July - Aug 22

If people were flags, you’d be a red one. 

Conspiracy to research: the moon landings were faked.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

It’s time to sit down and think about your feelings. Take away the analysing and calculating, just let things flow over you. Ask yourself: how do you really feel?

Conspiracy to research: the CIA were involved with JFK’s death.



Sep 23 - Oct 22

The extra stress you have been feeling recently is set to be alleviated, so there is no need to panic. Sit back, relax, and crack open a cold one because good things are coming. 

Conspiracy to research: Flat Earth theory.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Next week's eclipse is really gonna fuck you up. So if you feel more emotional than usual, just know it’s the stars, not you. 

Conspiracy to research: Area 51.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Don’t let your commitment issues, fear of rejection and ego get the best of you. There might be something special on the horizon. 

Conspiracy to research: One World theory.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

A lifetime of hard work and borderline obsessive visualisation will pay off this week. Viva la Capricorn. 

Conspiracy to research: is astrology real?

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2022.
Posted 2:51pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Critic.