Moaningful Confessions | Shit happens

Moaningful Confessions | Shit happens

It all started on a normal Friday night in North Dunedin. Plenty of drinks deep, and the night started to quiet down. My flat mate and I are the last ones standing, we’re chilling in the lounge anticipating our next move. One of her old friends visiting Dunedin arrives with another one of his mates. My flatmate, myself and the two guys decide to keep drinking whatever we can find in the flat, getting considerably drunker. Next thing I know my flatmate and this guy are hitting it off. His friend comes and sits nice and close to me, yarning away, he can see the other two hitting it off and, me being the only other girl around, he was shooting his shot. 

We keep talking, I’m hardly understanding this extremely intoxicated boy, and to no surprise my flatmate and co. had made their way to the bedroom. I wasn’t too keen on the guy at this point and tried to convert the situation by saying goodnight and jumping into the shower hoping he would just crash on the couch. I return to my room after and said boy had found my room and had already made himself comfy in the bed. No going back now, I jump into my bed next to him. One thing led to another and we kissed briefly but at this point he was too maggot to even know what was going on. 

I say good night, turn the lights off and finally get to sleep. After a brief amount of shut eye I wake up to the man standing at my door looking for the doorknob. Still feeling pretty wasted I was extremely confused, thinking I was dreaming. I quickly realised there was a funny smell. I wake up a bit more as he finally leaves the room and something just wasn’t right. The most god awful smell I have ever experienced was wafting up my nostrils. I grab my phone, turn the flash on and assess the situation. I look at his side of the bed to find an area of brown/orange coloured substance. I hear the shower turn on which is when I realised what was going on. 

Old mate had shat the fucken bed. Not just shit but discoloured, diarrhoea, baby shit, liquid fucken gold covering his entire side of the bed. I sat up in shock to feel a sensation of warmth on my leg, which of course, was shit. In shock I ran to the furthest room in the house, parking myself in my flat mates empty bed not wanting to face this man. 

From here I fall back asleep, and wake up around 9 in the morning. Not knowing what to do I lay in bed for a while trying to figure out my next move. I texted my flatmate and the two guys were still in the house. I keep waiting and a couple hours pass and around 12pm I finally hear them leave the house. I run to my flat mate trying to explain what the fuck just happened. I brace myself and go to my room to see what kind of mess has been left behind. He had stripped the bed; no sheets to be found, only a trail of shit stains on the carpet from my bed to the bathroom. I found a sheet in the dryer which was confusing because the washing machine had not been used. The sheet was covered in stains and the poor guy must’ve tried washing it in the sink, disgusting. I still couldn’t find my second sheet. I had a look outside in our courtyard and found his shit covered undies, shit covered towel and my other sheet laying there. He had obviously freaked out, chucked everything out the window hoping it would never be found again. Everything was ruined, and all bedding was chucked including the electric blanket.

My flatmates and I spent the rest of our Saturday gobsmacked to what had just happened. The afternoon came and I received a message from the guy, not apologising or addressing the situation but asking what our plans were for the night. I can tell you now, mate, you will not be coming anywhere near me or returning to my flat, you literally fucken shat my bed. 

RIP poo boy, you will not be missed. 

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This article first appeared in Issue 10, 2022.
Posted 3:10pm Sunday 8th May 2022 by Critic.