Moaningful Confessions | Started from the bottom, now we still there

Moaningful Confessions | Started from the bottom, now we still there

It was a beautiful Saturday evening in an unspecified location outside of Dunedin. I have been sinking a few too many drinks when all of a sudden I have to get up to yak. Here’s the thing about me… every time I yak I piss myself. So, here I am, yak successful but now I have stained my beautiful white jeans. I attempt to wash it out. But in my drunken state I’m very successful, as I thought I should just use the fresh cold tap water. 

Moving on, it’s time to hit the town. A few drinks and a few denied entries into some clubs later, I find myself with my tongue down a 40-year-old’s throat. All of a sudden we are rushing to the bathroom. I show him my skills and give him the best gobby he has ever experienced. Do I remember it? No. Do I know it was good? Hell yes. 

The night has only just begun when we sadly part ways. A few random hookups later, and sadly still with no free drinks, I find myself a new knight in shining armour. Next thing I know we’re in bed, and I’m riding reverse cowgirl. This is when it hits me: I’ve got a heavy flow and a tampon in. I leave in a rush, forget my g string and still don’t know the location of my blood-soaked tampon. 

As I part ways from my man, I find his unsuspecting flatmate outside. In his wisdom he decides to walk me home. Little does he know I have found my next victim. We make it to our accommodation and I decide I don’t want this man to leave my side. My flatmate comes out to find me having full on domestics with this man. I apparently really didn’t want him to leave. 

He got extremely frustrated with me (from what I’ve been told) and so threw me over his shoulder. He marched me up the driveway and plonked me on the ground. And then he ran. This man ran for his life trying to get away from me. Disappointed, I went to sleep on the couch for some reason (none of my flatmates would let me cuddle next to them.) I woke up the next morning severely hungover and with a few regrets. But as I always say, thanks to the power of the mind: if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.

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This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2022.
Posted 1:17pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic.