Ireland may have shown themselves to be a superior rugby force in recent weeks, but at least our national beverage doesn’t taste like watery-piss vegemite. Guinness is the most overrated trash that has ever been produced on a large scale. Its popularity in Ireland is all the more unusual considering the reputation that Ireland has as a beacon of alcoholism and excessive drinking. You would expect the Irish to have at the centre of their culture an impressive brew. But this is sadly not the case.
The taste of Guinness is the first major hurdle when trying to enjoy both the drink and yourself. It is not that Guinness tastes bad; there is no immediate unpleasantness. Rather drinking Guinness is something like talking to a med student at a party. They do nothing to offend you, but you quickly realise there is simply no personality that makes you want to continue engaging with them. Guinness is thick and bland. It becomes a struggle to get down as soon as the marketing hype dies and the taste of toasty-dishwater sets in.
But what is even more embarrassing for Ireland, whose emigrants are perhaps single-handedly responsible for the harmful drinking culture New Zealand now enjoys, is the strength of Guinness. It is a pathetic 4.1% ABV. At that concentration, consumption of Guinness is not only disappointing, it is also not justified by any significant gains to your blood alcohol levels. The double-banger of blandness and low-alcohol makes the consumption of even a pint of Guinness a boring and punishing experience, and the consumption of anything more an act of self-hate.
If all this is not enough, then consider the price. Guinness comes in 440 mL cans. A six pack usually sells for about 25 dollars. At 1.4 standards per can this puts Guinness in at a staggering 2.97 dollars per standard. That is worse value for money than almost any other beer, RTD and in fact anything but very high-end spirits. Sure, the can looks cool, and that nitrogen foam makes a fine looking head, but can they really justify paying 25 dollars for under 10 standard drinks? You might as well just burn money, the warmth it will provide to your flat will get you a bigger kick than a can of Guinness.
An explanation for the popularity of Guinness in Ireland is truly a mystery. Perhaps they have some sort of collective Stockholm syndrome, whereby they sympathise with Guinness despite the pain it inflicts upon them. Perhaps, Guinness has a monopoly over beverages in Ireland to the extent that even if people wanted to drink something else, there are simply no other alternatives. Maybe they are held hostage by the tradition the drink carries: perhaps they remember fondly the taste of dirty dishwater as they sipped Guinness with a cherished relative, or maybe the fame came from the war era when there was literally no other option. Whatever the reason, they seriously need to get rid of the stuff. It would be doing the world a favour. And sure, maybe “it tastes better in Ireland,” but we’re not in fuckin’ Ireland, are we?
Tasting notes: aromas of potatoes, if you listen closely you can hear the hit song ‘Galway Girl’ by Irish artist Ed Sheeran.
Froth level: getting a yellow card for the exact same thing that got a red card in the game before.
Tastes like: breakfast dishwater, disappointment.
Overall rating: 2/10 make it stop.