Editorial: Chl÷e Swarbrick Knows Muay Thai

Editorial: Chl÷e Swarbrick Knows Muay Thai

Last week, experienced Muay Thai champion and Green MP Chlöe Swarbrick defended her title against the underqualified and inexperienced challenger Fox Meyer, editor of Critic Te Arohi, in what viewers described as a “one-sided beatdown for the ages”.

“I didn’t know this was going to be a combat-based interview,” said Fox, as Chlöe used her years of experience to execute a perfect leg sweep and takedown. “This is pretty standard procedure for the office,” said Chlöe, as she released Fox from a chokehold to sign a submission for her new Sale and Supply of Alcohol (Harm Minimisation) Amendment Bill. 

“The Bill is designed to provide proper local control over alcohol regulation,” said Chlöe, “sort of like how I can locally control Fox’s arm here by putting him in an armbar,” before demonstrating the grapple on her opponent. While she stalked her opponent around the ring, Chlöe turned to cameras to give a press release: “Supermarkets have dragged the people of Auckland through the courts to safeguard corporations’ profit margins at the expense of public health needs,” she said. “See how unfair it is that I can use my superior strength and experience against a smaller opponent?” she asked, as she pulled her flailing challenger across the ring and towards the cameras. “This is the type of power imbalance we’re trying to rectify. Now, watch me suplex this fool.”

In the post-fight interview, barely-winded Chlöe fielded questions about the state of alcohol marketing policy in Aotearoa while Fox iced his bruises and muttered something about a rematch. “My background is mostly striking, y’know, using knees and elbows and stuff,” said Chlöe, “but I also have a background in public speaking, debate and policy-making, all of which are useful in the ring.” She said that “the harm done to our communities by alcohol isn’t inevitable, but my victory in the ring was always certain,” and snubbed the prospect of a rematch. “I’ve got bigger fish to fry,” she said.

The decision was unanimous, and Chlöe kept her titles. “Now, if Fox were a big company like Foodstuffs, he could use a special appeals process to contest that decision and take me to court. That would seem bogus – but that’s what these companies can do right now when it comes to Local Alcohol Policies.” 

After her victory, Chlöe is preparing to return to her other arena: Parliament. There, she only expects to use half of her skillset – though she didn’t specify which half. “I’m ready to fight for this Bill to go all the way,” she said. “And if we can’t settle this with decorum, you can find me outside.” 

This article first appeared in Issue 15, 2022.
Posted 2:21pm Sunday 17th July 2022 by Fox Meyer.