Archive

David Seymour Says He “Enjoys Dancing and Other Normal Human Activities”

Posted 5:45pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

ACT Party Leader and Entire ACT Party, David Seymour, says he is looking forward to his appearance on Dancing with the Stars. “It will bring me much joy to make movements with my limbs and body to music. Most humans enjoy this and I do also.” The popular TV dancing show was largely Read more...

Middle-Aged Meth Head Thinks She Can Fit in at Student Party

Posted 5:44pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

A woman notably older than everyone else has turned up to a low-key student party on Cargill Street. Invited in by some really drunk people at the front gate who failed to notice her faded Monster Energy Drink branded hoodie, she has worked her way into someone’s bedroom and has begun sidling Read more...

PC Gone Mad? Dunedin High School Bans All RTDs Over 5%

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

In a controversial move which has many human rights activists up in arms, Otago Boys’ High School has announced that all RTDs containing over 5% Alcohol will be banned from school grounds. “We’ve had a number of issues with Year 9 students turning up to class off their chops on Read more...

Manhunt for Jaywalker Enters 48th Hour

Posted 9:05pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

A citywide search for a criminal crosser has been ongoing since Tuesday afternoon. Dunedin crimester Mathew Denys was spotted crossing the road without a green man by a concerned citizen who contacted police. Police Constable James Everest said “we’ve come close to catching him a few Read more...

Man Returns From Dead to Ask: “U Up?”

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

Several mourners of late Dunedin man Chaz Chadderson (19) were shocked to receive a text from him at 2am on Sunday morning. Chadderson, an active participant in the Dunedin community, had been memorialised after he went missing and was assumed dead. Kelsey Summers, Bianca Laurens, Patricia Read more...

Student Claims 1/64th Heritage to Justify Offensive Hyde St Costume

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

“I’ve been on Ancestry.com, that means I can dress like a chola,” claims local third year student Becky Kane upon purchasing her Hyde St keg party costume. Kane justified her lazily stereotypical costume of a Mexican drug cartel member through “watching Narcos” and Read more...

Post Facts | Issue 08

Posted 8:52pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

You can bring up any baby animal underwater and it will learn to breath like a fish “Nippy” means cold because all nipples are inherently cold A conversation between three people is called a tri-alouge A provisional conversation between three people is called a trial-alouge A Read more...

Dr Nick | Climate Change, and What You Can Do to Help

Posted 7:51pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Dr. Nick

The world’s climate is changing. “Once in 100 years” storms now seem to be happening yearly. Flooding is becoming increasingly common. Ski conditions are a shell of what they once were. Climate change is here. While the conversation used to be about how to prevent it, the question Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Adam Sandler Himself

Posted 7:49pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Time to get real with you all. Uni is kicking my ass right now. I’m behind on my work and the last thing I want to do is waste two hours of my time reviewing another shitty Adam Sandler film. I started reading my reviews in his voice as if he was mocking me. The other night I couldn’t Read more...

Critic Food Review | Ginger Kisses

Posted 7:45pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Cameron De Leijer

Ginger kisses contain both gingers and kisses, blended together in some sort of large grinder, which surely can’t be ethical. Both gingers and kisses are average on their own, but when combined they become equal to the sum of their parts. In Poland in 1942 one lucky solider, Gretchilio Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Staying in Touch

Posted 7:42pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

As long as student flats have been named, students have communicated their identity in a number of ways – in addition to hanging a shingle out the front of the house, that is. These means of identification go hand in hand with the communications technology of the time. Way back in 1991, I paid Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Correctly Identified a Cucumber

Posted 6:22pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT are pondering a question   Simple: Presbyterians, Vegetarians, Finns and anyone whose surname includes the letter J. But nobody else!     Next, the ODT forgot the difference between past and present tense   It “was” to Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz   Wonder Woman The Critic blind date seems to have a Read more...

Advice on Giving Advice | How to Give it to That Git in the Middle of the U-Bar Mosh

Posted 6:03pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Pint night is the old-but-kinda-nouveau-new thing for those who are keen on a social Wednesday evening. Because of this, the U-Bar mosh is arguably the most sociologically significant location for Dunedin students. There is an important code of etiquette to partaking in the mosh, so freshers listen Read more...

Corona Tastes Like Nothing

Posted 5:58pm Thursday 19th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Corona is popular. No understatement, Corona is like herpes, because every third person in the room has it, and it’s usually a fuckboi. Like a dude passed out on the couch and a girl crying on the verandha, Corona is the permanent staple of every flat party. They’re nice to drink, but Read more...

Animal Research Lab Discovers Stab Wounds Are Deadly for Many Marine Animals

Posted 11:23pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

University of Otago zoology researchers have reported groundbreaking findings with the help of the new Animal Research Lab. According to a study by professor John Radlow, many marine animals, including salmon, trout, squid, and penguins, were found to be highly susceptible to injury and/or death Read more...

“Nice Guys Always Finish Last,” Says Man Who Regularly Calls Women “Cunts” on the Internet

Posted 11:21pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

“Bitches and sluts these days only wanna date jerks. No luck for nice guys like me,” said local man Brandon Lee in an internet rant yesterday. Lee, who is known for his extremist political opinions, anime fandom, and general unpleasantness, complained bitterly about “always being Read more...

Hyde Street Lad Revamps Wardrobe by Adding Second Pair of Jandals

Posted 11:21pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

Boomer Jenkins, a third year lad and resident at The Chum Bucket on Hyde Street, has announced a new look for the fall season. After blowing out his Student Life Jandals, Boomer invested in a slick blue and white pair from the Kmart $4 section. “I like to keep things fresh,” Boomer Read more...

Aspiring Songwriter Discovers Metaphor About Love and Drugs

Posted 11:19pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

In the middle of a four hour weed-fuelled songwriting blitz, local musician Kezza Richards wrote a line he believes will “fucking change the game bro”. In what may be a first for the music industry, Kezza has drawn an analogy between the emotion of love and certain illegal mind-altering Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 07

Posted 10:53pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

Raisins are dehydrated mouse brains Mouse brains are dehydrated mouse brains Human brains are hydrated pineapples Steve Buscemi is the slowly decaying corpse of Adam Sandler’s original body Green pens are better for the environment Octopus ink is octopus stink Jesus is the Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | Jack and Jill

Posted 10:28pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Honestly, following the shit show that was That’s My Boy last week, I feel at the end of my tether with this fucking column. Adam Sandler is beginning to ruin my life. Every week I question my morals and reevaluate my life as I have to choose another Sandler film to watch. Why have I subjected Read more...

Food Reviews | Lisa's Hummus

Posted 10:26pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by David Emanuel

Hummus is the best thing to come out of the Middle East since oil. Lisa’s Hummus is a sure-fire way to add an exotic blast to any average student meal. Its wonderful flavour hits your tongue like an airstrike. Nobody quite knows who actually invented hummus, but what we can be sure about is Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | The Six60 Flat

Posted 10:24pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Seven years ago on a rainy Monday morning in Christchurch, I picked up the phone and called Ji Fraser from Six60, to interview him about his band, named after their flat at 660 Castle Street. When I asked him about how he found flatting in Dunedin, he responded diplomatically: “Flats are not Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Cleanskin Pinot Gris

Posted 10:22pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Cleanskin Pinot Gris is a playful number that dances gently on the taste buds and fills the room with laughter. Of course, by “dance,” I mean “stomp” and by “laughter” I mean “screams of pain”. Cleanskin takes all the leftover backwash from all the Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Minnie and Mickey

Posted 10:20pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz   Minnie The night started nervously at 7:00 pm with a fine bottle Read more...

Advice on Giving Advice | How to Win Every Drinking Game

Posted 10:18pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

If you exist in or around North Dunedin and are somewhere between 18 and 24 years of age, drinking games are gonna be an essential part of your life.   Most of us can’t remember our first drinking game, and that’s because a lot of us didn’t have someone to advise us on how Read more...

The Week the ODT Didn’t Know What a Bridge Was

Posted 10:05pm Thursday 12th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week we have a dramatic encounter   The ODT was facing up against their nemesis: the concept of “fun”.     The ODT have noticed a problem   Oh no. Not the biting spiders, why can’t it be the singing Read more...

Advice on How to Advise People That Now Really Isn’t the Time.

Posted 10:46pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Sometimes, even the people you are closest to get your knickers in a twist. Sometimes you want to be polite to them and avoid them. And sometimes they don’t even deserve that sort of evasive kindness. Now we’re not suggesting you get it out in a fisticuffs brawl at Castle St on Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Meghan and Harry

Posted 10:45pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Meghan It was 7pm. I’m sitting on the couch in my sweaty Read more...

Dr Nick | Developmental Origins – The Sickness of Poverty

Posted 10:41pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Dr. Nick

Easter has come and gone, which means that Dunedin is about to get a lot colder, and students are about to get a lot sicker. The combination of low Dunedin temperatures, a complete lack of insulation in Dunedin flats, plus some very questionable student diets significantly increases the risk of Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Being Something You’re Not

Posted 10:37pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Flats with names like Dunedin Police Department, Department of Corrections, and Bed and Breakfast, had homemade signs and were obviously not what they claimed to be. Sometimes signs, like Dunedin Casino or the Glenorchy Tavern or Speight’s, have been “acquired”. There are a couple Read more...

Food Reviews | Mainland Edam Cheese

Posted 10:35pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by David Emanuel

Mainland’s Edam 1kg block is the cheese of the people (when it’s on special at the same price as the budget stuff). It is a staple of both the upper and working classes, and that strange place at the bottom of the social hierarchy that students occupy. It is to the purveyor of simple but Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | That's My Boy

Posted 10:31pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

OOOOOH MY GOD. HOLY SHIT. NO. NOPE. NO. NO. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS FILM EXISTS. I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ENRAGED AND DISGUSTED AND CONFUSED AT THE SAME TIME. WORDS CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE HOW TERRIBLE THIS FILM IS. FUCKING HELL ADAM SANDLER, WHAT THE FUCK MAN? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS? FOR REAL THE Read more...

Drinking Victoria Bitter Makes You a Bad Person

Posted 10:29pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Victoria Bitter is the most embarrassing thing about Australian cricket right now. With all the shenanigans going on, a review of this atrocity seemed appropriate. Watching Davey Warner cry was about as awesome as the first time I got a boner, and twice as satisfying. Cutting straight to the Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Did Exactly What They Always Do

Posted 10:07pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

The ODT’s actions this week are shrouded in secrecy       Then some classic ODT whinging   ‘It’s bad, but has been worse’ is both the ODT’s catchphrase and a good description of them.       In classic Read more...

The Post-Fact World | Issue 06

Posted 9:54pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

Anteaters don’t actually eat ants, they just give them a little ride on their tongue It’s illegal to eat party mix if you’re not having a party One square of toilet paper is exactly enough paper for a dolphin to choke to death on Wombs are reverse tombs The Dunedin Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 06

Posted 9:51pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

The Queen does the washing-up once a year. There’s a special hut at Balmoral for her to do it in. Fighter pilots in stressful situations release such large amounts of hormones that they may ejaculate. German city Trier has replaced some of its crosswalk lights with tiny images of Karl Read more...

Experts Confirm Grant Robertson Would Be Fucking Great to Get on the Piss with

Posted 9:35pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

The Minister of Finance has been assessed by experts who have confirmed that he would be able to sink a lot of piss and entertain people with his belly laughs. Robertson confirmed this, saying “Yeah, fucking oath. I’m an old school rooster.” The former OUSA President said he only Read more...

DCC Planning Controversial Merger with Comics Giant DC

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Critic

In a move that is angering fans of the local government authority, the Dunedin City Council has announced a merger with Detective Comics. “Nothing in the DC Universe persuades me that they have any respect for city councils,” said one die-hard fan of the DCC. “Their Read more...

Ed Sheeran Says Dunedin ‘Kinda Clingy’

Posted 9:34pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Mel Ansell

Ed Sheeran is reportedly “disturbed” by Dunedin misinterpreting his desire for a one-weekend no holds barred, no strings attached song-fest. He said he’d come to Dunedin making it clear he was only here for “a good time, not a long time”. It was unusual for Sheeran to Read more...

The ODT’s Most Punishing Ed Sheeran Puns

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 5th April 2018 by Joel MacManus

Readers of the ODT this week were bombarded with a barrage of the highest form of humour known to the ODT’s reporters – painfully forced puns.      The first ever Ed Sheeran pun in the ODT, from way back when the tour was first announced. No one could’ve Read more...

Bosch, 3M in Bidding War to be Official Sandpaper Sponsor of Australian Cricket Team

Posted 4:45pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Industrial Sandpaper companies Bosch and 3M are reportedly in a heated bidding war over the coveted sandpaper sponsorship rights for the Australian cricket team.  While in recent years the sandpaper supplier has been considered a low-level sponsorship deal, the deal is considered Read more...

Impoverished man convinces self that he actually doesn’t mind the taste of Double Brown

Posted 12:39pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Commerce student Dan Marlow totally reckons he actually likes the taste of notoriously cheap and nasty beer Double Brown. “Yeah it’s pretty good, honestly. Goes down a treat if it’s super cold. Tastes the same as pretty much any other beer.” When asked what inspired his Read more...

For a Building, UniPol Is Looking Super Judgy Right Now

Posted 12:28pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Man, UniPol is totally looking like an asshole right now. Shut your stupid face, you dumb building. I don’t even care, it’s just a pizza. OK, it’s like the third straight day I’ve had pizza. And this is three straight nights of drinking. Still, I’m an adult. Shut up, Read more...

Man Left Embarrassed After Yet Again Failing to Find the Vagina

Posted 12:27pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

“Up a bit, no, too high. Fuck it, I’ll put it in myself then,” a Dunedin man’s partner was overheard loudly exclaiming during one of their bi-monthly hanky-panky sessions. The man, whose meaty highlighter reportedly shrunk to a chewed pencil stub with shame, told the Read more...

Mature Student Has an Interesting Life Story to Share With All 200 People in Lecture

Posted 12:24pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

The entire class of LAWS101 considered themselves lucky on Tuesday, after mature student Edith van Borkel treated them all to a fascinating and highly informative tale about her own life. Everyone was enthralled as she spent a full eight minutes describing her son’s brief encounter with the Read more...

Hilarious Lad Comments “Is This the One You Told Us About?” On Mate’s New Facebook Friendship

Posted 12:22pm Wednesday 28th March 2018 by A Scarfie

Part-time surveying student and full-time hilarious memelord Connor Mannering absolutely stitched up his mate with a gag you’d never see coming! After friend Tom York was added by local girl Moira June, Mannering swooped into the comments, implying that York had been sexually interested in Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 05

Posted 11:37pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

Report: Most Snapchat Group Snaps Are Just Hungover Dudes Talking About How Hungover They Are According to figures released by Snap Inc, upwards of 80% of male Snapchat group conversations are just dudes lying in bed dying of alcohol poisoning the night after they all got drunk together. Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 05

Posted 10:51pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

In his lecture notes, Stephen Hawking wrote “Galeelaeo” and “Ahristottal” so that his speech synthesizer would pronounce the scientists’ names correctly. The term “slapstick” comes from a device used in 16th-century Italian stage comedy — a stick Read more...

The Post Fact World | Issue 05

Posted 10:49pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

Paper is made out of trees, therefore books must be made out of very big trees Sunglasses are actually made to shield the sun from our harsh, judgy eyes ‘Vagina’, ‘vulture’ and ‘vuvuzela’ all come from the same Greek word meaning ‘scary’ Salad Read more...