Archive
Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt
Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...
Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...
Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Lady and The Tramp
Posted 6:12pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Lady On Thursday night, I was out livin’ my best life. I was Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Old Mout Cider
Posted 6:09pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
At some point in your university education, you will inevitably go through a cider phase. Most fools automatically reach for the bright, garish Scrumpy, but a few - the few who dare to dream bigger - will dip their toes into the sparkling waters of Old Mout Cider. Drinking Old Mout is what I imagine Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 15
Posted 6:07pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 An R18 Mr Whippy van, but for cum. It’s so crazy that it just might work. This week’s website: http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/ Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If you really want to pass HSFY, it’s Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | International Sexcapades
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
The downside of dating an international exchange student is that whatever meaningful connection you’ve made has a 5-month expiry date (assuming you met at the start of semester) because long-distance relationships are like the lie you tell yourself on a dusty Tuesday morning after blacking out Read more...
Top 10 Worst Messages I’ve Gotten From Straight Boys on Tinder
Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
1. “Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.” 2. “I want to nibble ever so slightly on your lower rib-cage.” 3. “I would call you beautiful, but beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been in there yet.” 4. “I want you to sit on Read more...
CDs “Still Valuable and Relevant” Says Hipster Too Poor for Vinyl
Posted 11:17pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Local unbearable fuckhead Greg Brookes won’t shut the fuck up about how his CD collection is “just as good as vinyl, if not better”. He also claims that streaming is “totally garbage, man. Music isn’t the same if it’s not physical”. Brookes spends his Read more...
Violent Turf War Between Botans and Woodhaugh Yoga Groups Has Zero Casualties
Posted 11:15pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The weekly yoga groups based in the Botanical Gardens and the Woodhaugh Gardens recently had a dramatic spat over who owns the North Ground rugby pitch. The Chief Yoga Instructor of the Woodhaugh Sun Children, Daniel “Spirit Beetle” Rogers, said, “yeah, it was an intense battle. Read more...
Aging Post-Grad Student Replaces Critic Centrefold with ‘Live, Laugh, Learn’ Poster
Posted 11:10pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jennifer Rackford, 23, has removed the only remaining Critic centrefold blu-tak’d to her wall. According to her flatmates, Rackford has been slowly taking down her collection of centrefolds ever since her last birthday. When asked why she removed the original ‘Fuckboys of Read more...
That Classmate You Added on Facebook Won’t Stop Sharing Anime Memes
Posted 11:09pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yep, we’re in this situation again. It turns out that guy who you’ve been sharing notes with is a massive weeb. Now that you’ve accepted his request, classes would be awkward if you delete him. Your classmate won’t stop using the term ‘uwu’ and you’re not Read more...
Top 10 Reasons the Dundas Street Bridge Construction Has Been Delayed
Posted 11:08pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
1. They found archeological remains of basic girls from 2016 - Karen Walker, Stipes, Huffer Puffers and all 2. The construction crew were “ceebs” about the whole process 3. Charlene Chainz wanted to perform a private show 4. There was a large infestation of eels 5. Fergie Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Punished by the Priest
Posted 11:07pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
It was a beautiful summer’s day, so me and my girlfriend (now ex) decided to take a lovely stroll in the public gardens. We looked like a fairly cute, lovey-dovey couple. Unfortunately, what started as a wholesome and pure date ended in me securing my place eternally in hell. My girlfriend Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 14
Posted 11:04pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re-O week beckons, as does Mercury in retrograde. To cleanse yourself and readjust the domestic energies, buy a stick of sage and burn it around the house. Its strong aromatic properties will help disguise the fact your mouldy piece of shit flat has been shut up Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Midori
Posted 11:01pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Okay, so basically Midori is some green-as-shit melon-flavoured liquor. Remember that gummy bear song on YouTube? This bitch-ass drink is the living embodiment of reliving your childhood of dry humping soft toys and listening to the Annoying Orange while your parents got a divorce in the Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Angelina and Brad
Posted 11:00pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Angelina I've been trying to get on the Critic Blind Date for Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 13
Posted 11:42pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week’s spell for a good night out with the boys: Pile all of your clothes into the centre of your room. Fetch bucket of cold sage water. Pour a dash of kerosene onto the pile of clothes and set it alight. Whisper to your burning clothing “looking Read more...
Top 10 Scariest Things from My Childhood that I've Tried to Repress
Posted 11:36pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
1. The red screen that comes up on a PlayStation 2 when you put the wrong disc in 2. That TV ad where you watch a house burn down over the course of three separate ads 3. That old TVNZ show The Killian Curse 4. That video where they're driving down a nice field and there's a major Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 13
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Put that thing back where it came from or so help me. Honestly? The ODT has published a lot of filth but this takes the cake. The only kind of sex that should be promoted in any piece of media is vanilla missionary sex that lasts for 30 seconds. We bet you Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Ivanov Vodka
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ivanov Vodka is THAT bitch. A trustworthy, hard to find, bitch. She’s got your back when everyone at the party’s talking about how you slept with so-and-so, and will probably scream in the hostess’ face about third wave feminism. Ivanov Vodka is the cheapest vodka on the block, but Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Climbing the Wet Crack
Posted 8:39pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz As every international exchange student knows, sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation. So, when mid-semester break rolls around, it cannot be Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Kel Knight and Kath Day-Knight
Posted 7:34pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz KEL KNIGHT The day for the blind date rolled around and I decided to have some Read more...
Professor of Comedy Confirms: Drawing Dicks On Whiteboards is the Pinnacle of Humour
Posted 7:25pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Dr. Harry Whitburn, more commonly known as Bonzo the Clown, released an official statement yesterday confirming that illustrations of masculine genitalia on whiteboards is scientifically the pinnacle of humour. Dr. Whitburn is head of Otago’s lesser-known Comedy Department, located in the Read more...
Problem-Solving Breatha Heats Entire Flat Exclusively By Burning Uber Eats Vouchers
Posted 7:23pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Josh Broden has revolutionised student heating. Using simply a metal trash can and a fuckton of Uber Eats vouchers, Josh has managed to fend off hypothermia. When asked why Josh decided on Uber Eats vouchers as a unique, new type of fuel he said, “nobody actually uses these pieces of shit. Read more...
Critical Tribune Reporter’s Flatmate Needs To Learn How To Do The Fucking Dishes
Posted 7:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yeah, you read that right Sarah, you lazy bitch. I’ve told you so many goddamn times to just clean your dishes after you use them. You leave them on the table, on the bench, on the floor. You know, yesterday I found a sauce covered plate wedged down the back of the couch. I’m probably Read more...
Delusional Tutor Actually Expects Students To Do Readings
Posted 7:21pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I feel disappointed every single week,” said Philosophy tutor Donovan Cross. “Every Tuesday I ask who has done the readings, and nobody raises their hand. I tell them every time, you won’t get much out of the course if you don’t do the readings.” Cross said Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 12
Posted 12:55am Friday 17th May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Fresh from the writer’s festival, the ODT debuts their newest all-ages educational column, ‘Things That Can Go In Airplanes’. They’ve been freeloading in good, wholesome, capitalist Earth for too long. It has Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Inhale and Exhale
Posted 11:55pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Inhale I had been keen to do the Blind Date for ages but it was the same night Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Billy Maverick
Posted 11:53pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Those who can’t make friends, write booze reviews. Those who can’t drink beer, drink Billy Mavs. Billy Mavs is, in a nutshell, a bogan drink for classy people. Did you attend Kings College? Perhaps John McGlashan High School? Maybe even St Andrew’s College? Then chances are you Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Fizzing At The Slit
Posted 11:51pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz One night after some drinks at a mate’s I’m feeling spicy, one of my flatmates is dead asleep and the other two are away for the weekend, so I Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Disappoint Your Parents
Posted 11:50pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
1. Be the admin of a meme page 2. Be a white person with dreads 3. Spoil the last episode of Game of Thrones 4. Get in fights on Stuff article comments 5. Pretend your vibrator is actually your phone on silent mode 6. Drink Nitro 7. Wear your high school leavers jersey four years Read more...
Screaming Child Doesn’t Seem To Under The Concept of a ‘Whisper Dish’
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“What the fuck are they doing?” said Jasper, a third-year student trying to enjoy her lunch outside the museum. “The instructions are more than clear, you whisper into the dish, and the other person hears you. What’s the point of yelling into the dish if your friend is Read more...
Film Major Insists New Game Of Thrones Season Would Be Better if They Just Let Him Direct It
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Second-year MFCO student Daniel Morgan claims that the eighth season of HBO’s hit show Game Of Thrones is “total garbage”. Morgan believes that ever since season 5 the show has been going downhill. Morgan told The Critical Tribune that he has a solution that would fix Read more...
Central Librarians Cut Out Tounge of Everyone Entering “Quiet Zone”
Posted 11:43pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Piling up offerings for their dark God of Silence, the Blood Librarians of Central moved their lips in soundless patterns as they cavorted around the growing pile of tongues. “Mmm nmn mn mnmnm,” one toungeless student told the Tribune. Read more...
Critical Tribune Announce Hostile Takeover of The Tenancy Tribunal
Posted 11:42pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A restructure of the governmental ‘super-department’ Ministry of Business, Innovation, Tenancy, Churches, and Employment Services (MyBITCHES) was going to plan, until some sly bureaucracy left Tenancy Services in the lurch. After tenuous bidding referred to as a Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 11
Posted 4:45pm Friday 10th May 2019 by Critic
Not satisfied with merely bringing us the juiciest news, the ODT has delved into the realm of the mysterious. Two possibilities: 1. rocks, sand, silt and biological matter in various states of decay, or 2. a smaller Lake Wakatipu. The monster down there has refused to Read more...
Top 10 Things to Say As You Cum
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
Bazinga Cheeeeaaahoooooo This is the University of Otago Uh oh The warning siren that plays when the library is about to close Quotes from your favourite Vines The grunt Tim Allen makes from Home Improvement All the lyrics to The Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper aka Mr. C. The Slide Man Read more...
Man With Incredibly Loud Car Actually Does Have Huge Penis
Posted 8:38pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Okay, sure, I rev my engine when I see girls on the side of the street, but that doesn’t mean I’m compensating for anything!” Disgruntled Dodger Challenger owner, Chad “The Man” Zipper, told the Tribune. Chad told the Tribune he has resorted to reassuring Read more...
Student Banned From Unipol for Grunting While Covered in Chalk
Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Area man and student, Steve Grieve (23), has been banned from his university’s fitness centre for using chalk and repetitively grunting while using the weights machine. Despite clearly posted signs forbidding either activity, Steve told the Critical Tribune that he’s “confused and Read more...
English Lecturer Just Reads Off Author’s Wikipedia Page for Whole Lecture
Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A local English lecturer has given up actually teaching in his lectures and resorted to the time-hounoured fuck-around that is reading out an author’s Wikipedia page. One student the Tribune spoke to was amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to her in the lecture. “It is Read more...
Mother Makes Son Promise He “Won’t Burn Down The Flat” After Purchasing Single Candle
Posted 8:35pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Agatha Thompson, mother of four, recently caught her son, Christian Thompson (19), with a single unused candle on his dresser while visiting his flat last Thursday. Agatha refused to believe her son when he told her “I’m not going to light it while drunk, Mum. Nobody even thinks Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Pissed Off
Posted 8:30pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
The night started off like any other, pre drinking with the gals and as per usual we took things a little bit too far. We somehow made our way to town, and skipped the line and walked straight on into the bar. It was at this moment we locked eyes (first mistake). So, what started off with a girls Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 11
Posted 8:15pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please be patient; National Dairy Goat Awareness Week is next month. This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: ToeSox Grip Pilates Barre Socks-Non Slip Ankle Half Toe for Yoga and Ballet. Colour options include fuchsia, chill, retro, diamond freesia and Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Malibu
Posted 8:05pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
You should only drink Malibu if you never, under any circumstances, are the one paying for it. Yes, it’s fruity and delicious. Yes, drinking it makes me want to show everyone my cute new bra at a party. But Jesus Christ, it is expensive for what little alcohol it holds. Buying Malibu at a Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Jacob Black and Edward Cullen
Posted 8:03pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Jacob Black I turned up a couple minutes before my date, with a Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | How to do a Yardie: 101
Posted 2:22am Friday 3rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Doing a yardie on your 21st is one of those delightful gems of tradition that still brings a tear to my eye. Watching young third years, year after year, continue to fuck themselves up in the name of a good Instagram caption, well, it’s heart-warming really. And everyone says first years are Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 10
Posted 9:57pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT brings us some wisdom: A little-known Shakespeare fact is that “meteor” is slang for vagina. And the real meteors are the friends you make along the way. The balance of the universe is Read more...
Rebellious Vaper on Campus Claims They “Don’t Give A Fuck, Man”
Posted 7:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jonathan ‘The Cloud’ Matthews insists that the Vape Free signs around campus won’t keep him down. “It’s like, a human right dude. It can’t hurt you,” said Matthews, in between rips of vanilla-cola flavoured vapour. Campus Watch responded to his continual Read more...
American Exchange Student Really Excited to Show You Their New Tattoo
Posted 7:43pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I got it because I just really, really care about the ocean, and, like, the environment and stuff. Yeah,” says American who thinks the only way to express something even somewhat meaningful to them is by getting it permanently detailed on their skin. “I just got it done in Read more...
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