Archive

Man With Incredibly Loud Car Actually Does Have Huge Penis

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Okay, sure, I rev my engine when I see girls on the side of the street, but that doesn’t mean I’m compensating for anything!” Disgruntled Dodger Challenger owner, Chad “The Man” Zipper, told the Tribune. Chad told the Tribune he has resorted to reassuring Read more...

Student Banned From Unipol for Grunting While Covered in Chalk

Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Area man and student, Steve Grieve (23), has been banned from his university’s fitness centre for using chalk and repetitively grunting while using the weights machine. Despite clearly posted signs forbidding either activity, Steve told the Critical Tribune that he’s “confused and Read more...

English Lecturer Just Reads Off Author’s Wikipedia Page for Whole Lecture

Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

A local English lecturer has given up actually teaching in his lectures and resorted to the time-hounoured fuck-around that is reading out an author’s Wikipedia page. One student the Tribune spoke to was amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to her in the lecture. “It is Read more...

Mother Makes Son Promise He “Won’t Burn Down The Flat” After Purchasing Single Candle

Posted 8:35pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Agatha Thompson, mother of four, recently caught her son, Christian Thompson (19), with a single unused candle on his dresser while visiting his flat last Thursday. Agatha refused to believe her son when he told her “I’m not going to light it while drunk, Mum. Nobody even thinks Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Pissed Off

Posted 8:30pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

The night started off like any other, pre drinking with the gals and as per usual we took things a little bit too far. We somehow made our way to town, and skipped the line and walked straight on into the bar. It was at this moment we locked eyes (first mistake). So, what started off with a girls Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 11

Posted 8:15pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please be patient; National Dairy Goat Awareness Week is next month. This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: ToeSox Grip Pilates Barre Socks-Non Slip Ankle Half Toe for Yoga and Ballet. Colour options include fuchsia, chill, retro, diamond freesia and Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Malibu

Posted 8:05pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

You should only drink Malibu if you never, under any circumstances, are the one paying for it. Yes, it’s fruity and delicious. Yes, drinking it makes me want to show everyone my cute new bra at a party. But Jesus Christ, it is expensive for what little alcohol it holds. Buying Malibu at a Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Jacob Black and Edward Cullen

Posted 8:03pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Jacob Black I turned up a couple minutes before my date, with a Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | How to do a Yardie: 101

Posted 2:22am Friday 3rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Doing a yardie on your 21st is one of those delightful gems of tradition that still brings a tear to my eye. Watching young third years, year after year, continue to fuck themselves up in the name of a good Instagram caption, well, it’s heart-warming really. And everyone says first years are Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 10

Posted 9:57pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT brings us some wisdom:         A little-known Shakespeare fact is that “meteor” is slang for vagina. And the real meteors are the friends you make along the way.   The balance of the universe is Read more...

Rebellious Vaper on Campus Claims They “Don’t Give A Fuck, Man”

Posted 7:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jonathan ‘The Cloud’ Matthews insists that the Vape Free signs around campus won’t keep him down. “It’s like, a human right dude. It can’t hurt you,” said Matthews, in between rips of vanilla-cola flavoured vapour. Campus Watch responded to his continual Read more...

American Exchange Student Really Excited to Show You Their New Tattoo

Posted 7:43pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I got it because I just really, really care about the ocean, and, like, the environment and stuff. Yeah,” says American who thinks the only way to express something even somewhat meaningful to them is by getting it permanently detailed on their skin. “I just got it done in Read more...

Classmate You Think is Smart Actually Just Blindly Confident

Posted 7:41pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Think about it. You know the person I’m talking about. You trust what they say when they give you advice because it sounds good, not because it’s obviously correct. They don’t even believe what they’re saying, they’re just using you as a sounding board to see if you Read more...

It’s Time to Return All the Dishware You’ve Been Hoarding in Your Bedroom to the Kitchen

Posted 7:41pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

You know who you are. This is your wake-up call. It’s seriously disgusting and the flat needs the other half of their dining supplies. People are starting to get desperate. Yesterday, one of your flatmates used their textbook as a plate because you’ve got the other six stacked up next to Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Admission to Submission

Posted 6:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic

It all started with my drunken admission of my dream threesome with my two besties, Elle* and Jay*. To put this in context, my dry spell had lasted months and was now bleeding into my first year of Uni. Surprisingly this suggestion actually led somewhere. It is decided that the threesome shall be Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore

Posted 6:42pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Adam Sandler My date greeted me with a nervous but sweet smile and a Read more...

Top 10 ways to tell someone you have an STI

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic

Emojis. There’s no better way to tell your Tinder hookup from a month ago about your pubic lice than sending a crab and eggplant emoji side by side. Hire a sky writer to write a message announcing your chlamydia. The sky’s the limit. Make a public declaration on Facebook. Bonus Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 09

Posted 2:06am Friday 26th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT are being heartbreakingly self-aware.   For some reason, there was a lot of feet related content this week.     Really? Because when I walked into the polling booth on my hands and picked up the pen with my prehensile toes, they called me an Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Bloody Hell

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic

Two years ago, I had been out on a date with my (now ex) girlfriend. We'd gotten back into her sleep out at her parents place and were going at it like a couple of pornstars. Despite both of us being really into it, we'd be going for awhile, and didn't have any lube. As we were doing Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 09

Posted 8:56pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Pluto is going to be in your spiritual zone until exam time so be careful about going to $3 lunch from now on. One more “hello smiley” directed at you might send you over the edge and before you know it you’ll be the one in the kitchen chanting while Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Speight's

Posted 8:40pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

In ye ol’ Dunedin, there used to be three icons of the metropolitan city. One was the beloved Cadbury factory, blessed be her name. Gone but not forgotten. Another was the albatross colony, until people realized that they were just like seagulls if you squint a bit. Last but not least, Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Clarke and Jacinda

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Clarke I discussed the criteria of an ideal date with my flatmates, Read more...

Confused Freshers Go To Hyde - Central Otago

Posted 8:36pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“You going to Hyde this weekend?” “Yeah bro!” In what can only be described as a ‘wholesome fuckup’, Middlemarch native Harry Henderson (18) drove down State Highway 87 to the small Central Otago township of Hyde after hearing heaps of hype for Hyde. While Read more...

Leith River Found to Contain Traces of MDMA

Posted 8:33pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a recent study undertaken by KnowYourDrugsNZ, the Leith has been found to be 7% MDMA. Experts theorise the recent Hyde Street Keg Party is largely to blame, with an “influx of pingers” hitting Dunedin streets (and apparently the rivers). Students are gearing up for what looks to be Read more...

Man Who Wore Sombrero to Flat Party Not Actually Mexican

Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“It’s true. I’m not Mexican,” revealed Jackson Whitely, while wearing a sombrero and maracas to a local, un-themed flat party. When asked what his ethnicity actually is by Tribune reporters, he responded “Cantabrian.” In an independent investigation, it was found Read more...

Conditions Worsen in Communist East Dundas

Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

If you look at Dundas Street from space (and really, why else would anyone ever go into space), you’ll see a tragic sight. One side of the Dundas Wall is sparkling and joyful, with many lights burning in a homage to the glories of unbridled capitalism. On the other side, however, in Communist Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Remind your Flatmate to do their Dishes

Posted 8:30pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic

1. Put a sad face on a post-it note 2. Message the group chat a friendly reminder, hehe! 3. Do it for them! Surely they'll remember next time!!!! 4. Lock the dishes in a cupboard that only you, the keeper of keys, know the combination to. They will only get access once they prove their Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 08

Posted 1:55am Friday 12th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the Otago Daily Times came to the ground-breaking discovery that and ODT Watch is sure there’s no old men at the ODT.   In other news: But still not confident enough to make the first move. Get it together, Simon. She’s waiting for Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 08

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 To be a breather is not simply to breathe. To be a breather, one must step into the shoes of those that came before them, step back out of those shoes, pour a Billy Mav into said shoes, and sip upon the sweet nectar from sole to soul. Are you ready for your holy Read more...

Cockroach Living Behind Rubbish Bin in Kitchen Agrees, You Definitely Needed to Add More Garlic to that Sauce

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I mean, Christ on a crisp, the stuff was bloody bland, feel?” muttered the cockroach. “I been living here a year and a half, and the last girls that lived in this flat were making risotto, baking pies… Hell, they even spilled wine on the regular. I loved mopping that shit Read more...

Guy Who Has Seen All 720 Episodes of Naruto Now Most Skilled Brawler in Dunedin

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

An unnamed local Dunedin man, 35, who spent the last month watching all 720 episodes of the anime Naruto, has reportedly defeated eight men, three women  and two stray dogs in hand-to-hand combat around the city centre in the last four days. He owes his success to what he described to the Read more...

Semen Oozing From Used Condom in the Rubbish Bin Behind Starters Would’ve Been the Guy Who Cured Cancer

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Congealing in a gluey puddle surrounded by millions of his dying brothers and sisters, their silent sperm screams went tragically unheard. The single sperm that, in a different timeline, would have become Archibald A. Arnold (Man of Science! Curer of All Disease! Long may his great name be spoken!), Read more...

Girls Who Admitted They Enjoy Receiving Dick Pics Online Actually Just Guy Who Sends Dick Pics Operating Under Fake Instagram Handles

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“It’s not like it’s not fuckin true, huhuh,” chuckled Chad Stuttfield, the 19-year-old behind @haileysims11, @jessica_blackkkk and @caseyrae_stevensen, three Instagram handles which responded to an online poll that “Yes”, they enjoyed receiving unsolicited Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Pay Off Your Student Loan

Posted 6:23pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

Fake your own death and reinvent yourself in Greece. Learn advanced hacking, infiltrate the IRD as network tech staff and delete your account altogether. Begin your tuition in 2018 onwards so you don’t even have one, you spoilt little fucks. Have kinky sex with a member of ACT Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 08

Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

Going from kinky sex all the time to suddenly single was quite a shock. I realised that I no longer enjoyed boring missionary one-night stands. This lead to me hooking up with a past ex who was having the same problem as me. It was a fun few sessions, but I knew I didn’t want to continue Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Pimm's

Posted 5:56pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Pimm’s is the perfect drink for the perfect day. On one of those rare Dunner stunners, when the Leith only vaguely smells like piss and the grass resembles Prince William’s head pre-balding, a glass of Pimm’s is the wholesome content you deserve. The drink is weirdly associated Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Mr. Darcy I had no idea what to expect. But, to build up some Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 07

Posted 3:06am Friday 5th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the Otago Daily Times set out on a good old-fashioned road trip. What could they have discovered? The solitary traffic light in Kaitangata? The shed in Milton that has a smiley face with a ballsack for a nose? The gay nightlife of Gore? Hell. I’m in Hell. At least Read more...

That Weed Wasn’t Laced, You’re Just Way Too High, New Study Shows

Posted 2:46am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a ground-breaking study done by the University of Otago, it turns out that the weed you smoked two weeks ago was not, in fact, laced. You just have a low tolerance and were trying way too hard to impress your flatmate’s stoner friends. The study was seen by Top Scientist, Dr Shelle Read more...

Sexy Breatha Not Actually Sexy, Just Has Long Hair

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

It’s another dusty Sunday morning, and you’ve woken up in another stranger’s bed. No biggie. You don’t remember much but you do remember having a great night, and you most certainly remember that some Nordic god of a man with lush, gold hair had been buying you drinks the Read more...

Hames Jeath Exerts Weird Sexual Tension In An Executive Meeting

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

OUSA President Hames Jeath brought last week’s executive meeting to a standstill by taking a moment to tell his colleagues that they “light a fire under [his] belly.” This was met by a very stunned and sexually confused silence. When one of the other executive members finally Read more...

Third-Year Awkwardly Makes Eye-Contact With Primary School Classmate

Posted 2:43am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“In my defense,” began Ceridwyn Tentacles, “I wasn’t actually sure whether or not it was the person I was thinking of. It’s been a hot minute since Primary, after all.” But despite this, Ceridwyn was confident in her decision to approach the Critical Tribune about Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 07

Posted 2:38am Friday 5th April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, you are a busy worker and are designed for getting stuff done. The hive’s survival depends on you. This week’s turn on: tutor over your shoulder breathing down your neck   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Stars are looking good for Read more...

How to Get Drunk Without Drinking?

Posted 9:03pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Hey! Do you love getting drunk, but have a fear of liquids? Then do I have the recipe for you. Jelly shots are an easy way to get sloshed. They go down easy, don’t make you feel bloated and are ideally suited for those with tiny bladders.   Ingredients: 85g Jelly Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Emerson's Bird Dog

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Dear readers, if you had to combine two animals together in some kind of fucked up sexual experiment, your mind might not naturally reach for a Bird and a Dog. Sure, it’s nice and all, but there are such better options. For example, a Giraffe and a Goose, or an Elephant and a Mouse. The key is Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 07

Posted 8:47pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

Two summers ago, I spent much of my time travelling overseas. This was my first time travelling alone in another country. With this came a sense of freedom; I could do whatever I wanted. As a gay man, my options are rather limited. I had never been in a proper relationship with a guy before, and I Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Be A Virgin Whore

Posted 5:51pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

Wear studded leather, but wear it inside out to keep some mystery. Get some knee pads, you'll be spending a lot of time on your knees… praying obviously! Remember God's Loophole. If you're not ringing the Devil's doorbell, then he can't hear you. Duh. Have Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Notorious B.I.G. Okay, first of all my flatties put me up to this. I Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 06

Posted 12:50pm Monday 1st April 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Powerful energies will come from within you late in this week and you will give yourself bangs or a new piercing or change to a humanities degree. This week’s Amazon E-book: Unbelievable 100% Real Time Demo of Making 100% Gain Per Year from Stock Market is Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 06

Posted 12:42pm Monday 1st April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

And most of them work at the ODT!! Bazinga!!!     The award for the juiciest piece of low-hanging fruit this week goes to:     Don’t tell me what to do, Read more...