Archive
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream: Click
Posted 5:41pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting a bit emotional. This is my last Adam Sandler review for the year, and what a journey we have been on. After 18 films, a discourse analysis on brand identity, and one terrible comedy album, I still question why I set myself up to do this. I Read more...
White Rhino is the Best New Drink of 2018
Posted 5:38pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
White Rhino, just like white people, is absolutely all over North Dunedin these days. These tins, with the simplest graphic design imaginable, and an even simpler recipe, have taken the student quarter by storm. Nothing has got the people of North D this enraptured since, well, last week Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do You Make Bad Food Good Food?
Posted 5:37pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Tihei mauri ora, Bad food is food that you’ve left in the fridge after you cooked up an extravagant meal three months ago using useless ingredients like crème fraîche that you’ve only used a tablespoon of, which you haven’t touched since. Bad food is food Read more...
LET’S GET SOME FUCKIN FRENCH TOAST
Posted 5:17pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
French toast is the goods as a breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner/sex accessory, and let’s be honest – if you fry something in butter then drown it in maple syrup, then a) you’re probably American, and b) it’s gonna taste meeeean. Here’s a way to do French toast that is Read more...
Love is Blind | Jeff Goldblum and Ellie Sattler
Posted 5:14pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Jeff Goldblum With great penis comes great Read more...
The Week the ODT’s Opinion Section Really Outdid Itself
Posted 8:23pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week, the ODT are reporting on a truly marvellous occurrence. Because of their bad behaviour, Santa normally just skips Balclutha, Milton, and Gore, stops briefly in Invercargill to give Tim Shadbolt his present, and then goes on to Stewart Island, Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups 2
Posted 6:44pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
We’re coming to the end of our time here reviewing Adam Sandler films, so I decided to save the best few till last. I’ve had a lot of requests for this particular film, as it is often noted to be one of the peaks of Sandler’s filmography. This film is 104 minutes of pure bliss. Read more...
Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine Is Genuinely Going To Kill Someone
Posted 6:40pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine is genuinely going to kill someone. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but someone’s gonna fucking die. It’s absurdly cheap, at $8.99 for a bottle with 6.9 standards – pretty much as good as you can get in the world of Read more...
Love is Blind | Campus and Watch
Posted 6:38pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Campus The bartender told me that if I fucked this up he Read more...
Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Kell, How Do I Stop Procrastinating?
Posted 6:31pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Procrastination is spending time doing what you’d rather be doing. To make your procrastination more efficient, ensure you properly plan your procrastination (this is called procrasti-planning). Procrastination is inevitable so why not make it healthy? E.g. Procrasta-run, or if you Read more...
The Week the ODT Yet Again Chose to Give a Racist a Platform
Posted 4:03pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
If you’ve ever wondered how we manage to write ODT Watch, let the ODT itself explain, This week the ODT have tightened up on giving absolutely any clues as to an article’s contents in the headline. [insert joke here; I’ve given Read more...
How to Make the Strongest Edibles Possible
Posted 1:59pm Friday 14th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Before actually making edibles, you have to decarboxylate, or ‘activate’ your weed by heating it; this transforms the non-psychoactive THC-A into psychoactive THC. When activating your weed you’ve got to be careful to heat it up enough so it properly activates, but also be careful Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Bedtime Stories
Posted 1:57pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl. Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl. Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl. Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl. Adam Sandler every week makes Read more...
Even The People Who Make Ranfurly Draught Don't Like Ranfurly Draught
Posted 4:04pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Ranfurly Draught is an absolute nothing beer. It’s uninspired, lazy, and boring. It has no distinctive flavour or aroma. Even the people who make it don’t like it. It’s a New Zealand draught-style lager, which means it’s brown and has no hops. It’s one of a Read more...
Love is Blind | Kylie and Kyle
Posted 4:02pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Kylie As the designated third wheel for my sister and her Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, are drugs kosher, and what does kosher even mean?
Posted 4:00pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Well, we are so glad you asked. Kosher is a Hebrew word and it means “fit” for eating. Are drugs fit for eating? Maybe, if you really wanted to you could chew some ibuprofen but it probably tastes super yuck. Ultimately, kosher drugs is a question of drug administration, and pharmacists Read more...
The Week the ODT Were Very Mean to Invercargill
Posted 10:48pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This week the ODT are rating themselves rather highly. Both false. The ODT is both unusual and extraordinarily uninteresting. To be fair, perhaps we shouldn’t be too harsh on the ODT, after all, they’re not as young as they used to Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Blended
Posted 9:49pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Hey guys, remember me? That girl with the poor time management that decided it would be funny to review every single Adam Sandler film? Honestly, this column is wrecking me. Who would’ve thought watching three hours of mindless nonsense could truly crush someone’s soul like this? But Read more...
Lion Red Is New Zealand’s Most Generic Beer
Posted 9:46pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
As a man of the South, I had never even seen Lion Red for sale before, so when I was supplied a box to taste test, my tribalism naturally wanted me to hate it. I was ready to yell about JAFAs and traffic and everything else that’s wrong with Auckland, like a good hillbilly should. But as I Read more...
Love is Blind | Laura and James
Posted 9:45pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Laura: I was three Smirnoffs down by the time I Read more...
Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Dave, How Do I Talk to the Ghosts in My Flat?
Posted 9:40pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis
We’re reluctant to offer advice here, mostly because Mammy Zo still gets nightmares, and Aunt Dave still wets the bed from time to time - so talking about ghosts makes us SAD. Another reason is that no one really knows if they exist, and can you give advice on something that doesn’t Read more...
The Week the ODT Tried to Write Pornography
Posted 12:00am Friday 31st August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week the ODT is dropping shocking truth bombs. There goes everything I know. I always assumed that replicating authentic Asian cuisine and the mystical arts were one and the same, like a dumbass. I also enjoy that the ODT put ‘isn’t magic’ Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do I Get a Summer Job?
Posted 8:02pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
There are two options: 1. Don’t 1.a. Don’t and go on the DOLE 2. Do Everyone wants a summer job so you have to apply for all of them. Before you apply for summer jobs you gotta figure out if you want to work the holiday days (Xmas and New Years) or if you want to Read more...
Pesto and Broccoli Pasta
Posted 7:51pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Are you shit at cooking? Are you a piece of shit that hasn’t eaten a vegetable since Re-O? Do you like just making a massive feed that you can munch on cold throughout the week because you hate doing things? Then boy, do I have the feed for you. 1. Start by sautéing onions in Read more...
Shot Buckets Are the Worst Deal Imaginable
Posted 7:36pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Holy fuck I made a huge mistake. I lay myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness. I have sinned. I have completely disregarded the holy rule of Dollars Per Standard. I was kinda fucked up by the time I made my way to the liquor store, so naturally my purchasing choices were very stupid Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Princess and Daddy
Posted 7:33pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Princess I’m not going to bother talking about Read more...
The Week the ODT Were Just Gosh Darn Adorable
Posted 7:04pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This has been a difficult week for the ODT. They shook their fists and told the blowhards to sock it off Speaking of socks, this week the ODT experimented with wearing odd socks. It was genuinely the most exciting thing that has Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Going Overboard
Posted 4:47pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
As I assume most of you are aware of by now, I have shit time management skills. Hence the lack of review in last week’s issue. I’m only one person, and the last thing I want to do at the end of the week is watch and write about Adam Sandler. But we’re here, reporting live from the Read more...
Creamy Chicken, Bacon & Mushroom Pasta
Posted 4:44pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
This dish is an unreal winter warmer which is sure to satisfy the flatties. Pair with white Longridge goon or Kristov vodka. Grab a frying pan or stone pot, chuck it on med-high heat, and leave it to heat up. Slap some oil in there and then add diced, salted chicken. Be careful not to overload Read more...
Drinking Vodka Cruiser Ice Screams Small Dick Energy
Posted 4:43pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Vodka Cruiser Ice is the tipping point of mediocrity. Bringing a four-pack of these bad boys to a party screams small dick energy, but you know what? Really owning your small dick energy, is kind of big dick energy. Or rounds it up to 5 inches at least. It’s like the lemonade you buy from a Read more...
Love is Blind | Miri and Zach
Posted 4:42pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Miri After spending the afternoon scrolling through Read more...
The Week the ODT Seriously Fucked Up
Posted 10:26pm Sunday 12th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week the ODT are awfully sure of themselves. Excuse me; ODT Watch will be the judge of that, if you don’t mind. A gem from the Regions section. “A-quack-tic” definitely made everyone at the ODT Read more...
How To Scramble Eggs
Posted 4:58pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
If you wanna turn your one-night stand into a relationship or at least some morning sex, then knowing how to make good, creamy scrambled eggs goes a long way. We’ll just say this: if your eggs are so dry that you need tomato sauce or aioli, you done fucked up. The secret to creamy, succulent Read more...
Lewis Road Creamery Chocolate Cream Liqueur Is A Sexy, Sweet & Succulent Treat
Posted 4:49pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Booze and milky fluids don’t typically go together at the same time – rather, they’re typically separated by a few hours when you’re deep-throating your flatmate’s cousin in the backseat of his Nissan Sentra. Creamy, chocolaty, and a smooth 17%, Lewis Road Creamery Read more...
Love is Blind | Ritchie and Gemma
Posted 4:32pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Ritchie Self-respect, confidence, and the Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, How Do You Uncover the Truth of Conspiracies?
Posted 4:30pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Well let’s start with the facts. Chemtrails are not a conspiracy, man never made it to the moon, Hitler is still alive and OUSA’s $3 lunch is laced with psychedelics. The first things to identify are smoke and/or the number 666. Long-time conspiracy theorists always know to look Read more...
The Week the ODT Wasn’t Angry, Just Disappointed
Posted 8:16pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
The ODT have been feeling a bit down this week. Are you ok ODT? Later, Deputy Editor Paul “Barry” Gorman was upset after asking for people to send in their embarrassing stories. I don’t know what Barry’s doing with the Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | What The Hell Has Happened To Me?
Posted 6:59pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Holy fuck. Adam Sandler has a music career. Adam Sandler has released five different comedy albums. Who the fuck is this man. Hey guys, Henthony Griffano here, the Critic’s busiest Adam Sandler nerd. Now I’ll be honest, I forgot to watch a film this Read more...
Little Fat Lamb Ginger Beer Tastes Like A Bitch Slap From Hell
Posted 6:57pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Little Fat Lamb has personally victimised more residents of North Dunedin than the cold, Health Science, and a drunk Caitlin Barlow-Groome combined. I opted for the classic ginger beer, a sour, vinegary-sweet concoction that would probably taste better if it still had a dead snail in it (shoutout Read more...
Love Is Blind | Cindy and Clarkie
Posted 6:54pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Cindy Mentally prepared to spend a few hours getting Read more...
The Week the ODT Told a Lie About South Dunedin
Posted 4:00pm Friday 27th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Sometimes readers expect too much of the ODT, so they’ve started adding warning labels. And just in case that didn’t get through, they repeated it on the next page. The ODT have been taking more than the usual Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
I think after the highs that were The Wedding Singer and Billy Maddison, I was feeling too optimistic about Adam Sandler’s talents as a cultural icon. But now we’re plummeting back down to ground level, for a film that I don’t even know how to describe – You Don’t Mess Read more...
Dr Sash | Is Oral Sex Safe?
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Doctor Sash
A common misconception that society faces regarding sexual health is that oral sex is safe. Some people don’t even consider oral sex a risky sexual behaviour. Why? Mainly because we've always been told that safe sex involves genitalia and wearing a condom. The efforts of social media have Read more...
How To Be a Less Shit Cook | Onion Dip
Posted 6:24pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Have you been searching for the perfect food to serve friends on any occasion? Look no further because the classic kiwi onion dip is undoubtedly the GOAT. It combines delicious flavours with luscious textures while maintaining a balance of simplicity and flair. One of its best features is that even Read more...
Tsingtao is Fucking Awful. There, I Said It.
Posted 6:21pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Tsingtao is an absurdly popular and massively selling beer. It’s the pride of the Chinese export market, and beloved by expats and fans around the world. I have no idea why, because it’s fucking awful. When I was 17 I went to Hong Kong and got really excited because I Read more...
Love Is Blind | Sally and Harry
Posted 6:08pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Sally After a four-month dry spell my standards have Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, It’s Getting Cold. How Do I Find a Compatible Spoon?
Posted 6:06pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
First we need to identify what you mean when you refer to a spoon. Do you mean a teaspoon, a utensil used for the movement of liquid to mouth, do you mean to hit a ball in a slow lobbing fashion, or do you mean a body you can lie down next to, and kind of reverse your arse into? We’re Read more...
The Week the ODT Thought of Something Very Clever
Posted 9:43pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
While the ODT have always been known for their fascination with life’s most banal moments, this week they sunk to a new low when the entire staff was enraptured by a new type of grass. Then, we found an amazing section called “Wordways,” where the ODT Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Billy Madison
Posted 7:03pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Before starting this week’s review, I would like to take this time to declare that I am officially sick. Now I’m not blaming anyone in particular, but I think Rob Schneider is involved somehow (I feel like he’s the kinda dude that wouldn’t sneeze into his elbow). I am Read more...
Everyone Fries Chicken Wrong and You Need to Stop
Posted 7:03pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
If there’s one mistake that you’ll see over and over again from newbie cooks in Dunedin’s student flats, it’s awful chicken. You know the kind – cubes of grey-ish white, bland, tough meat that nobody enjoys. Chicken is fucking delicious, but if you’re frying it Read more...
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