Archive
Critic Blind Date | Princess and Daddy
Posted 7:33pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Princess I’m not going to bother talking about Read more...
The Week the ODT Were Just Gosh Darn Adorable
Posted 7:04pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This has been a difficult week for the ODT. They shook their fists and told the blowhards to sock it off Speaking of socks, this week the ODT experimented with wearing odd socks. It was genuinely the most exciting thing that has Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Going Overboard
Posted 4:47pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
As I assume most of you are aware of by now, I have shit time management skills. Hence the lack of review in last week’s issue. I’m only one person, and the last thing I want to do at the end of the week is watch and write about Adam Sandler. But we’re here, reporting live from the Read more...
Creamy Chicken, Bacon & Mushroom Pasta
Posted 4:44pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
This dish is an unreal winter warmer which is sure to satisfy the flatties. Pair with white Longridge goon or Kristov vodka. Grab a frying pan or stone pot, chuck it on med-high heat, and leave it to heat up. Slap some oil in there and then add diced, salted chicken. Be careful not to overload Read more...
Drinking Vodka Cruiser Ice Screams Small Dick Energy
Posted 4:43pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Vodka Cruiser Ice is the tipping point of mediocrity. Bringing a four-pack of these bad boys to a party screams small dick energy, but you know what? Really owning your small dick energy, is kind of big dick energy. Or rounds it up to 5 inches at least. It’s like the lemonade you buy from a Read more...
Love is Blind | Miri and Zach
Posted 4:42pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Miri After spending the afternoon scrolling through Read more...
The Week the ODT Seriously Fucked Up
Posted 10:26pm Sunday 12th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week the ODT are awfully sure of themselves. Excuse me; ODT Watch will be the judge of that, if you don’t mind. A gem from the Regions section. “A-quack-tic” definitely made everyone at the ODT Read more...
How To Scramble Eggs
Posted 4:58pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
If you wanna turn your one-night stand into a relationship or at least some morning sex, then knowing how to make good, creamy scrambled eggs goes a long way. We’ll just say this: if your eggs are so dry that you need tomato sauce or aioli, you done fucked up. The secret to creamy, succulent Read more...
Lewis Road Creamery Chocolate Cream Liqueur Is A Sexy, Sweet & Succulent Treat
Posted 4:49pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Booze and milky fluids don’t typically go together at the same time – rather, they’re typically separated by a few hours when you’re deep-throating your flatmate’s cousin in the backseat of his Nissan Sentra. Creamy, chocolaty, and a smooth 17%, Lewis Road Creamery Read more...
Love is Blind | Ritchie and Gemma
Posted 4:32pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Ritchie Self-respect, confidence, and the Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, How Do You Uncover the Truth of Conspiracies?
Posted 4:30pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Well let’s start with the facts. Chemtrails are not a conspiracy, man never made it to the moon, Hitler is still alive and OUSA’s $3 lunch is laced with psychedelics. The first things to identify are smoke and/or the number 666. Long-time conspiracy theorists always know to look Read more...
The Week the ODT Wasn’t Angry, Just Disappointed
Posted 8:16pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
The ODT have been feeling a bit down this week. Are you ok ODT? Later, Deputy Editor Paul “Barry” Gorman was upset after asking for people to send in their embarrassing stories. I don’t know what Barry’s doing with the Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | What The Hell Has Happened To Me?
Posted 6:59pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Holy fuck. Adam Sandler has a music career. Adam Sandler has released five different comedy albums. Who the fuck is this man. Hey guys, Henthony Griffano here, the Critic’s busiest Adam Sandler nerd. Now I’ll be honest, I forgot to watch a film this Read more...
Little Fat Lamb Ginger Beer Tastes Like A Bitch Slap From Hell
Posted 6:57pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Little Fat Lamb has personally victimised more residents of North Dunedin than the cold, Health Science, and a drunk Caitlin Barlow-Groome combined. I opted for the classic ginger beer, a sour, vinegary-sweet concoction that would probably taste better if it still had a dead snail in it (shoutout Read more...
Love Is Blind | Cindy and Clarkie
Posted 6:54pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Cindy Mentally prepared to spend a few hours getting Read more...
The Week the ODT Told a Lie About South Dunedin
Posted 4:00pm Friday 27th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Sometimes readers expect too much of the ODT, so they’ve started adding warning labels. And just in case that didn’t get through, they repeated it on the next page. The ODT have been taking more than the usual Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
I think after the highs that were The Wedding Singer and Billy Maddison, I was feeling too optimistic about Adam Sandler’s talents as a cultural icon. But now we’re plummeting back down to ground level, for a film that I don’t even know how to describe – You Don’t Mess Read more...
Dr Sash | Is Oral Sex Safe?
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Doctor Sash
A common misconception that society faces regarding sexual health is that oral sex is safe. Some people don’t even consider oral sex a risky sexual behaviour. Why? Mainly because we've always been told that safe sex involves genitalia and wearing a condom. The efforts of social media have Read more...
How To Be a Less Shit Cook | Onion Dip
Posted 6:24pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Have you been searching for the perfect food to serve friends on any occasion? Look no further because the classic kiwi onion dip is undoubtedly the GOAT. It combines delicious flavours with luscious textures while maintaining a balance of simplicity and flair. One of its best features is that even Read more...
Tsingtao is Fucking Awful. There, I Said It.
Posted 6:21pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Tsingtao is an absurdly popular and massively selling beer. It’s the pride of the Chinese export market, and beloved by expats and fans around the world. I have no idea why, because it’s fucking awful. When I was 17 I went to Hong Kong and got really excited because I Read more...
Love Is Blind | Sally and Harry
Posted 6:08pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Sally After a four-month dry spell my standards have Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, It’s Getting Cold. How Do I Find a Compatible Spoon?
Posted 6:06pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
First we need to identify what you mean when you refer to a spoon. Do you mean a teaspoon, a utensil used for the movement of liquid to mouth, do you mean to hit a ball in a slow lobbing fashion, or do you mean a body you can lie down next to, and kind of reverse your arse into? We’re Read more...
The Week the ODT Thought of Something Very Clever
Posted 9:43pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
While the ODT have always been known for their fascination with life’s most banal moments, this week they sunk to a new low when the entire staff was enraptured by a new type of grass. Then, we found an amazing section called “Wordways,” where the ODT Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Billy Madison
Posted 7:03pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Before starting this week’s review, I would like to take this time to declare that I am officially sick. Now I’m not blaming anyone in particular, but I think Rob Schneider is involved somehow (I feel like he’s the kinda dude that wouldn’t sneeze into his elbow). I am Read more...
Everyone Fries Chicken Wrong and You Need to Stop
Posted 7:03pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
If there’s one mistake that you’ll see over and over again from newbie cooks in Dunedin’s student flats, it’s awful chicken. You know the kind – cubes of grey-ish white, bland, tough meat that nobody enjoys. Chicken is fucking delicious, but if you’re frying it Read more...
Scrumpy Is an Arsehole of a Drink
Posted 6:32pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Scrumpy is an arsehole of a drink. It’s the fake friend who pretends to be your mate, and then talks shit about you to all of your friends and family (I’m talking about you, Steve). It’s labelled sweet, but it’s as sour as my ex that one time I took her to Macca’s on Read more...
Love Is Blind | Scarfie and Scaffolder
Posted 6:31pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Scarfie This was a terrible idea. I’m a Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, I’m throwing my first red card this weekend, what do I need to know?
Posted 6:27pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Make sure you clear the entire day, even if the party starts late in the morning at like 5pm. And always have a bevvie or two before your guests arrive so your guests know that you’re out for a fun time and not just out to be a control freak. Red cards need a unique theme. For Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | The Wedding Singer
Posted 7:04pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
In the last review I wrote, I talked about how Adam Sandler’s filmography can be divided into Old Age and New Wave. After diving into New Wave Sandler with Grown Ups, it seems only reasonable to take it back a notch, to let’s say 1985, to examine peak Old Age Sandler. Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Urinated All Over Tauranga
Posted 6:18pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Welcome back. This week the ODT is reporting on some ground-breaking research, In sinister news, I’ve seen the Lord of the Rings; I know how this ends. Next, the ODT wrote a front page story about Read more...
Let’s Talk About Syphilis
Posted 5:28pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Doctor Sash
Back in the day, syphilis was one of the most common sexually transmissible infections (STIs), with around 1 in 10 people contracting it. Without treatment syphilis can kill, in fact it was responsible for the deaths of Oscar Wilde and Al Capone. Thankfully along came penicillin, which can cure the Read more...
How To Be A Less Shit Cook | Gnocchi
Posted 5:26pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Gnocchi has got to be just about the most filling thing on the face of the planet. No matter how much you think you’re gonna need, you’re going to be feeling like UBar on Wednesday before you get halfway through your plate. The thing about gnocchi is that you can pretty much Read more...
If You See A Mate Drinking Atlas Super Strong 12%, Call The Poison Hotline
Posted 5:20pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Genuinely, my first reaction was a full-body shudder. I put on White Snake’s “Here I Go Again” as motivation to get me through it. It didn’t help. By far the best part of this beer is the cool picture of Atlas holding up a very inaccurate globe. In a real game changer for Read more...
Love Is Blind | Caitlin and Cam
Posted 5:17pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Caitlin About a year ago I sent Critic a drunk Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Adopted Outdated Yorkshire Idiom
Posted 11:11pm Sunday 8th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Welcome back. In case you missed it, the ODT have been up to their old tricks over the break. Yip. You missed nothing. So the ODT has a column called “Ask a Scientist” where readers send in questions and a scientist answers them. Or apparently just Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups
Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
That’s right, you guessed it. It’s a new semester, a new me, and I’m already back on my old bullshit. Uni got a bit too much at the end of last semester and I was getting very overwhelmed by how much Adam Sandler I had to watch. But we’re back with a set fresh of eyes to look Read more...
How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Takeaway-Style Butter Chicken
Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
The luxurious, creamy sweet feel of a takeaway butter chicken is an indescribably gorgeous sensory experience that combines the eroticism of a soft titty-fucking with the comfort of Frank Ocean singing a lullaby. For years I’ve dreamed of the day when I could say ‘Fuck the Read more...
Nitro Is Not Safe For Human Consumption
Posted 9:44pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Nitro is a kick up the arse from a big, heavy boot made of pure methamphetamine. The fact that this drink even exists is evidence enough that the human race is destined to destroy itself. Let’s break it down. At its core, Nitro is a fairly simple cocktail of vodka and orange soda Read more...
Love Is Blind | Yoko and John
Posted 9:41pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Yoko I knew I was either going to have the best night Read more...
Dear Aunty Kells and Mama Zo: I can never seem to find the right shampoo for my hair. How do you choose the right one?
Posted 9:38pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Doing the weekly flat shop is at its absolute worst when you’ve run out of conditioner and shampoo, your flatties are trying to get through the check-out, you’re still looking at shampoo, having an existential crisis “AM I NORMAL, IS MY HAIR NORMAL?!” figuring out what Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week ODT Watch Was Leaked the ODT’s Biannual External Review
Posted 2:16am Sunday 27th May 2018 by Nat Moore
Sources within the ODT have confirmed that Editor Barry Fitzbarry has spent the last week laughing at the moon and hosting debaucherous orgies in the ODT boardroom, assuming that because Critic has been dealing with international media attention (your time will come, ODT), we’d be too busy to Read more...
The Post Fact World | Issue 13
Posted 1:02am Sunday 27th May 2018 by Nat Moore
In 2018 a bill was passed to change MENstruation, to PEOPLEstruation. The airport was originally called the plane station until Hugh Grant fucked up his voice over in 2003’s Love Actually and no one was willing to admit the then-heart throb was incorrect. Campus Watch was Read more...
Kingfisher Premium Lager is a Sneaky Bastard
Posted 7:50pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Every week I’m tempted by the same tantalising offer. This sultry temptress is not that hot fresher at 10 Bar, but instead twelve 5% beers for $22. I am of course talking about Kingfisher Premium Lager. This beer created in India is cheap, easy to drink, and much like its slogan (“The Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Shakira and Kanye
Posted 7:44pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Shakira On a chilly Thursday night, Read more...
Critic Food Review | Twinings English Breakfast Tea
Posted 7:40pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by David Emanuel
Twinings English Breakfast Tea is the opposing force to 2018, our last hope before we descend into complete censorship. It is important to clarify that every year the big wigs who write the Oxford English Dictionary add a new word to the dictionary to represent the feeling of the times. This year Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Let Themselves Down
Posted 9:07pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
We’re disappointed in the ODT this week. They missed an obvious pun. Alternative headline: “Post shops to become post-post shops.” Are you ok Barry (I assume your name’s Barry)? Is your strained relationship with your wife and your growing isolation from your children Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project | The Signmaker
Posted 5:47pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
Some students and landlords commission the construction of signs, usually from a commercial outfit, but a new (to me, at least) market has emerged. A few years ago I caught up with Jasper, at the time a fourth year law student, who for the previous three years had been making flat signs on Read more...
Booze Review: Jose Cuervo Tequila will murder your whole family
Posted 5:46pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Jose Cuervo tequila will murder your family, frame you for visa fraud, shiv you and leave you to die in a Mexican prison. Have you ever been run over by a freight truck, stomped out by a Super Rugby team in studs, shat your liver out your arsehole, or cried yourself to sleep in a cold Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Meghan and Harry
Posted 5:44pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Meghan Well blow me sideways and strap in for the Read more...
Advice On How To Be A Fifth Year And Increase Your Social Media Following
Posted 5:43pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
By the time you get to fifth year/5 years +, you find yourself living alone in St Clair or a random hill/valley somewhere else in Dunedin. Your Facebook page is rusty and as a cohort, you’re averaging 20 likes per Instagram post. While there is nothing wrong with living in the real world, Read more...
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