Archive

Inventions Out of Time | Penis

Posted 12:28pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

1.5/5 Would not use again. The penis really has very limited function. Where is the “all-purpose tool” I was promised on the packaging? I tried to open a can with the lauded “can-opener” attachment. It took me ages. The attachment was blunt and almost did more damage to Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 26

Posted 11:27am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start the last issue of ODT Watch for the year we thought we’d give you a great example of one of the ODT’s staples: puns. Yes, it is about two dogs getting married. Props for the rhyme as well.   Clearly drunk off their titular success, the ODT forgot that they did Read more...

Editorial | I Can’t E-Van

Posted 10:46am Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lucy Hunter

On Tuesday OUSA President Hugh Baird hosted a competition to give away the old OUSA van to an assiduous student. Thirty students signed up to spend hours standing on the union lawn touching the van. Competitors were allowed two toilet breaks at times of their choosing. They weren’t allowed any Read more...

Science Tank | Hear, Hear

Posted 1:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

As someone who hosts a weekly radio show, I was initially excited at the prospect of hearing my own voice in recording. I thought I was a pretty amazing radio presenter and that I sounded like milk, honey and cocaine all in one. Boy, how jarring it was to hear my screechy bagpipe of a wheeze Read more...

Lucky in Love | Beverley & Stuttering Bill

Posted 12:57pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Beverley The night began encouragingly with my friends telling me that my hair in the wind made me look like Pennywise from It. On that note, they dropped me off at the Bog. I walked in and started chatting to the bar staff, discovering they have seen many an interesting night go down. Hoping my Read more...

The Hell Hole | The Nightmare

Posted 12:47pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joel MacManus

I joined the Young Nats to stop this nightmare. I waved placards at cars, I knocked on doors, I spammed my friends on Facebook until they all blocked me. It wasn’t enough. The day after the election, Dear Leader Jacinda took her oath of office. The red curtain fell. Taxes were raised to Read more...

Tui Is The Worst Beer in New Zealand

Posted 12:35pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Tui is a scourge upon our entire society. Fuck Tui. It looks and tastes like Speight’s with a little bit of poo mixed in. It’s exactly the same as every other generic NZ Draught style beer, but somehow manages to be worse. On the nose, I detect subtle notes of wet dog and semen. It Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Could Tu-Not?

Posted 12:24pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, There’s this guy who eats tuna in the main library every day I am studying in there. It stinks and really distracts me from studying. I can’t stand it! Library studier   Ethel says The library works hard to provide an environment which is Read more...

Sage Advice | Exams: A Journey into Hades, Examined by the Beast

Posted 12:07pm Saturday 30th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“How very little can be done under the spirit of fear.” - Florence Nightingale   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I’m shitting bricks about exams. What are some tips on how to do well in an exam?” Thank you for the question. There is an old saying Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Water

Posted 11:00am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

5/5 Things that wouldn’t exist without water: Umbrellas, plumbing, teapots, straws, flippers, periscopes, gutters, islands, sprinklers, water slides, urinals, water fights, water balloons, lifeguards, beaches, icebergs, flippers, saunas, aqueducts, washing powder, surf boards, ice Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 25

Posted 10:11am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week we would like to devote all our space (and most of the Facts and Figures space as well) to addressing the ODT’s cryptic and eye catching post-election image. Interestingly, the ODT decided to avoid any specific reference to Game of Thrones in the picture; presumably to throw Read more...

Editorial | Coalition Negotiations Aside, We Must Not Forget the Important Issues of the Election

Posted 9:20am Saturday 30th September 2017 by Joe Higham

What the (provisional) election results reveal, apart from the fact that very few people seem to understand how the Mixed Member Proportional (MMP) voting system works, is that much of New Zealand remains uncomfortable confronting the severity, or even the existence in some cases, of the problems we Read more...

Science Tank | RIP Cassini

Posted 2:33pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

A planet named after the Roman god of time, renewal and liberation seems a fitting final resting place for our lovely friend Cassini-Huygens, whose life was spent furthering astronomical knowledge and the liberation of truth from a far-flung part of our small star system in this abyssal ocean of Read more...

Hapsburg Absinthe is a Freight Train to A & E

Posted 2:28pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Hapsburg Absinthe is a fucking crisis in a bottle. It makes Hurricane Irma look like a gentle breeze. Absinthe burns like the spray I get from the cricket club’s 4th XI opening bowler when I drop a sitter at mid-on. Absinthe is the end of the road, binge drinking’s natural finale. Read more...

Sage Advice | The Funny Numbers

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Numbers are the highest degree of knowledge. They are knowledge themselves.” - Plato   This question comes from a loyal reader: “I'm at a quandary: which is the funnier number, 420 or 69?” Thanks for another great question. 69 and 420 are the funny numbers. Read more...

Lucky in Love | Etad & Dnilb

Posted 2:15pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   ETAD Across the road from the bog I stood like a dear in the headlights. I’m not one to Read more...

The Hell Hole | Worm

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Anon

There was a tiny dot on the end of my nose; a single pore with a pinprick of yellow gunk. I scratched it, then, when it didn’t move, I squeezed it. A tiny tiny worm arced out and plonked its weeny yellow head onto the skin on my nose. A teeny pore-worm. Nice. The worm was wriggling. It Read more...

Poetry Corner | Woooajhhhaohahahapahaahshoooahhh

Posted 2:05pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Brennan Gale

This is the time to strike, the time for us to be reborn, a native imbalance, restoring the faith of our past. Once again, we've failed, failed to reinvigorate our retinas, failed to reach the desired result. We were once great, now we're shredded, dreaded, beheaded. Thoughtless opinions, Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Issue 24

Posted 12:49pm Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Penicillin (1/5)  Helps people live longer and prolong the misery of existence. Also, misleadingly does not contain pencils.   Sex (1.5/5) Too much tiring effort.   The Wheel (3.5/5) Rolls pretty well. Not much use for other things.   Boats Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Student allowances and living costs

Posted 11:31am Sunday 24th September 2017 by David Clark

Michael Woodhouse National is committed to supporting students with the costs associated with tertiary study. A tertiary education is a major investment, not just for you as students, but for New Zealand as a country. New Zealand has one of the most generous student support systems in the Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 24

Posted 11:16am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Good morning, ODT. That’s lovely ODT. Well done.   This week the ODT has decided to start a column on how hard different South Island towns are. Next week, Greymouth goes the gym, drinks whatever alcohol Swilliam is reviewing, and then beats someone Read more...

Editorial | Podcasts

Posted 10:30am Sunday 24th September 2017 by Lucy Hunter

After all the complaints we received about last week’s editorial, I’d like to say at the outset that this editorial represents the views of Critic, Radio One, everybody at OUSA, the university staff, and the entire student population of Dunedin. By reading this, you must agree with Read more...

Sage Advice | Politics

Posted 2:37pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Be prepared, there is a small chance that our horrendous leadership could unknowingly lead us into World War III.” - Donald J. Trump, @realDonaldTrump “Tweets on Winston Peters NZ Politician” - Winston Peters, @winstonpeters   It’s that time again, Read more...

Lucky in Love | The Macarena & I’m Blue

Posted 2:34pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   The Macarena After ceremonially downing three gin and tonics at my flat I found myself sat in Read more...

Science Tank | Einstein

Posted 2:29pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

“When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.” - Albert Einstein   This guy kind of needs no introduction but, while most people know that he Read more...

No One Over 20 Should Still Be Drinking KGB

Posted 1:51pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

This lovely wee drop is responsible for more lost virginities than the Year 13 ball. It’s incredibly fizzy and sweet; it’s a gorgeous treat. It can be a real gamble though, if you seriously miscalculate how much you need to drink in a space of time, you’ll just get pumped up on Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Small Town Tosser Poison recipe

Posted 1:44pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde I’ve been dating this guy for eight months and I think I love him. But last weekend my best friend told me that she saw him in Dunedin kissing another girl at a party when he was meant to be out of town with his friends. I believe her, she is one of my best friends. When Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Metareviews

Posted 12:58pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

0/5 Metareviews are reviews about reviews and they suck. Their primary purpose is to painfully expose that what the reader is reading has been constructed by someone. Theoretically there is a point behind being meta; someone can try to expose that their own work is constructed in order to make Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (September 18-24)

Posted 12:52pm Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic

The line-up of wonderful celebratory days this week is something worth celebrating in itself!   Monday 18 September – Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day Sometimes there’s really no better way of expressing your feelings than how they are already written in a greeting card. Read more...

ODT Watch | Wedding Edition

Posted 11:29am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week we journey hand-in-hand into the wonder that is the ODT Wedding Guide. Hell, yes!   No matter what you do, do NOT let any women speak at your wedding They’ll only gossip, nag, and tell everybody that they don’t want to be there and are being sold by Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Housing

Posted 11:14am Sunday 17th September 2017 by David Clark

Michael Woodhouse Buying a home is often the single biggest purchase a person makes in their lifetime and National is committed to working hard to ensure more New Zealanders are able to own their own home. The most difficult hurdle to overcome for first home buyers is pulling together the Read more...

Editorial | Critic’s View on the General Election: Labour Is the Option For Us

Posted 10:23am Sunday 17th September 2017 by Critic

Disclaimer: This endorsement is the view of Critic Magazine and was in no way solicited by the Labour Party or any person affiliated with it. It represents the editorial views of the magazine and no one else. At the outset of this editorial, we admit that endorsements of political parties are an Read more...

Mystery Object Hunt (September 11-17)

Posted 2:07pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Critic

​ Did you know that September is Happy Cat Month? A cause for celebration if ever there was one!   Monday 11 September – No News is Good News Day With all this stressful news of war and climate change and Trump and the general election (please vote), it’s important Read more...

Lucky in Love | Bill & Jacinda

Posted 1:53pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Bill I was filled with optimism when I found out that I was accepted to do the blind date. I Read more...

Fluoride is Fine and We Can't Believe That Has to Be Said

Posted 1:39pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Conspiratorial people love to claim that the government adds fluoride to water and toothpaste in some dastardly plan to make us all sleepy slaves, helpless to resist their evil bidding. The truth, however, is far less scandalous and far more reassuring - fluoride is your friend, my friend, and Read more...

Sage Advice | How to Be a Failure but Still Swag Doe

Posted 1:30pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

This week’s question comes from another loyal reader: “How can I cope with failure?” Thanks for another great question. The word ‘failure’ is such a loaded term. It carries a lot of negative and unnecessary connotations. I prefer phrases that I’ve invented, Read more...

Cody’s Is A Court Case In A Can

Posted 1:24pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Cody’s: the official drink of obnoxious 12 year-olds getting drunk in skate parks everywhere. This has been by far the most requested drink review. These reviews are not just shit chat spun out of nowhere; they’re an intensive process. We start with a blind taste test to pick up the Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Facing a Void of the Unknown

Posted 1:19pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, I am graduating at the end of this year and I have no idea what I really want to do. I have some ideas, like doing a PGdip or working for a year and then doing some post grad, but mostly I am really confused about what’s the right thing to choose and don’t want to Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | Pangolins

Posted 12:20pm Sunday 10th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

3/5 Majestic creatures of the highest rank. Hard to draw. ​   Admonishments to Chelle Fitzgerald for the silly face. There is no room for amusement in this column. Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 22

Posted 11:22am Sunday 10th September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, the ODT are reporting on perhaps the best story ever. Yip, it’s a father-son fashion competition. Unfortunately, they provided a picture of a group of winners. Wow, three people wearing caps and sunglasses. What co-ordination, what elegance, what subtle Read more...

Clark V. Woodhouse | Is the New Zealand Health Care System “the Envy of the World”?

Posted 11:10am Sunday 10th September 2017 by David Clark

David Clark The government recently told cancer sector leaders that our healthcare system is “the envy of the World”. That comment has been roundly criticised. Australians are able to access new and innovative medicines, while New Zealanders are not. They know that our cancer Read more...

Editorial | OUSA Finds Itself At a Crossroads, and It’s Down to You to Decide the Route

Posted 10:25am Sunday 10th September 2017 by Joe Higham

During the OUSA Executive Election Forums that were held last week there emerged a clear division in the ideological outlook and approach held by the candidates in the hope of bringing about institutional change. That division was between those intent on working with the university to bring about Read more...

Poetry Corner | Machinations

Posted 2:55pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Mel Ansell

Great cogs turn beneath me. The people and things around me  rotate toward and away from me,  orrerie of some incalculable gravitational  pull. If we are close - let us be close,  lock teeth. For some force is already working  against us, pushing on. The Read more...

Science Tank | Homebrewed Ginger Beer

Posted 2:52pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Equipment needed: 1 30L plastic bucket, an airlock, some sanitiser. All available for under $35 from your local homebrew store.   Recipe: Get your biggest kitchen pot. That one you use to make soup. Fill it up with water and bring to the boil. Grate up 500g of ginger root. Fresh Read more...

Lucky in Love | Edward & Bella

Posted 2:47pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Edward Where do I start? As a fifth year I’ve only ever picked up Critic for this one Read more...

Sage Advice | A Grandfather’s Wisdom

Posted 2:41pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“My grandfather was a wonderful role model. Through him I got to know the gentle side of men.” - Sarah Long   This week a loyal reader has kindly forwarded me an email from her grandad, chock-full of advice. She wishes to keep their identities secret, but I can reveal that Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Hanging Round like a Bad Smell

Posted 2:33pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel and Hyde, We are yet another bunch of unfortunate second years faced with the issue of a flatmate's unsavoury boyfriend. He has ruined our relationship with our flatmate, who gave him a key without our (or the landlord’s) permission. We’ve asked for his key back twice, Read more...

DB Draught is the Winston Peters of Beers

Posted 2:27pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

DB Draught is an old man’s drink. A sip on the lips is reminiscent of a hard day fucking sheep and feeding the chickens. It’s been around since before any of us could remember, and it will be around long after we die. Just like Winston Peters. If Jesus turned water into wine, then Read more...

The Hell Hole | Things that disgust me Part II

Posted 2:20pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

Drinking a glass of someone else’s phlegm. Making out with your dog. Caking your open eyes in dry sand. Swallowing a whole plastic bag then pulling it out again. A couch that someone slept on for thirty years. Fish feasting on a rotten human foot. Your butt pubes and your head hair swapping. Read more...

Inventions Out of Time | The Pope

Posted 1:49pm Sunday 3rd September 2017 by Charlie O’Mannin

5/5 Great hat. Also, Popemobile. Read more...