Archive

Guy Buys Girlfriend Incorrect Tampons, Hailed By The Boys As Hero

Posted 1:01am Monday 24th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Davo was recently the talk of the town after actually nipping up to Gardens New World to buy his girlfriend sanitary products. “What a good guy,” said his mate Freddy. “So brave”, said Jono, nodding in agreement. Davo told the Tribune that on the way back from picking up Read more...

Flatmate Hasn’t Cleaned Mooncup in Two Years

Posted 1:00am Monday 24th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

“Bro she just keeps leaving it on the pile of dishes like she expects us to wash it,” said one disgruntled breatha. “Like, what does she think we are, a cleaning service?”  The bleeder’s menstrual cup is a purple, latex design that she describes as Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 12:59am Monday 24th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

M&M Cookies    I find that cookies are a solution to most of life’s tough problems. Is your friend heartbroken? Bake them cookies. Are you stressed? Bake yourself cookies? Friend’s birthday, but you’re poor? Cookies. Need to say sorry? Cookies. To conclude this Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 12:53am Monday 24th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Menstrual cups. Very cool and environmentally friendly and they’re way easier to insert than they look.  Period sex. Chuck a towel down and get amongst it fellas. Getting your period just when you’re about to head to the Albany St Pharmacy for a pregnancy test. A Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 12:49am Monday 24th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 With exams approaching, you may need to work on your attention span.  This week’s craving: a whole bag of twisties   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Time to snuggle up, cry and shut yourself out from the world.  This week’s craving: Read more...

Library Fine CDOs the Future of University Financial Strategy

Posted 4:46pm Wednesday 19th May 2021 by Critic

In a stroke of genius, the University of Otago has bundled individual outstanding library fines, referred to as book-backed securities (BS), into collateralised debt obligations (CDOs) made up of thousands of outstanding fines. It is rumoured that the promising financial strategy was adopted in Read more...

Local Man Talks Back To Mechanic, Becomes New Alpha Male

Posted 4:45pm Wednesday 19th May 2021 by Critic

In what was hailed as a world-first, a Dunedin man has successfully challenged his mechanic for the coveted position of alpha male. It began when Rob noticed the automatic transmission on his beloved 2011 Volkswagen Golf was beginning to shift oddly. He took it to Mike’s Mechanics down the Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Gym-buddies With Benefits

Posted 5:14pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Critic

I had never been much of a gym girl. I did the occasional squats, cardio, dumbbells and all that jazz, but I’d never fully committed. So, one day, I thought I’d finally start working towards my lifelong goal of becoming as buff as Korra. This entailed getting a gym membership that I Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 5:12pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Bacon, Broccoli and Pea Risotto  This is my go-to recipe for when I don’t want to wash up lots of pots and pans. It’s simple, it’s delicious, and everyone loves it. My favourite thing to do with a risotto is to add camembert or brie cheese. I know it sounds a bit weird, but Read more...

Woodstock Bourbon and Cola Raspberry Edition

Posted 5:10pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Chug Norris

Woodstock Raspberry tastes like if a Liquorice Allsort and a rat had a kid. It tastes like a raspberry bun except instead of filling it with jam, they filled with regurgitated Billy Mavs. It tastes like a Razor Scooter to the ankle. It tastes like binge drinking on a dark field when you’re 16. Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 5:07pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate: People putting a fuckton of rubbish on their lawns in protest of the Uni’s 1984 vibes. The Proctor can’t fine us all, or can he?? Getting breathas at the bar at pint night to choose my drink for me. Speights is NOT good and I don’t care that I’m from Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 5:03pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Learn to stand up for yourself, doormat. Good deed for the week: Picking up rubbish    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 In the coming week you’re going to catch feelings. Stop before you start.  Good deed for the week: Doing your Read more...

EDITORIAL: Let Scrumpy hands die

Posted 3:36pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Erin Gourley

There, there. It’s over now. You can relax. No more shall the threat of scrumpy hands plague these streets. No more shall students walk the streets in fear of the next red card where they will be forced to drink two bottles of the worst form of alcohol imaginable. Scrumpy hands is no more. Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Like a Chainsaw

Posted 4:21pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Critic

I had a lot of questions when I first came into the possession of some anal beads, courtesy of Critic for some prior raunchy content. I had delved into a bit of butt stuff before but nothing much more than a thumb up the bum or a weak and dissatisfying attempt at anal. This gift had my senses piqued Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate:  The theory that Epstein DIDN’T kill himself. That’s not even a conspiracy theory at this point it just simply was a cover up by rich American child sex traffickers. The JonBenét Ramsay theory: I am fairly certain that it was the brother and the parents covered it Read more...

Fuck, I’m Cold!

Posted 4:17pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Congratulations my friends, we have unofficially descended into Dunedin’s bone-chilling winter. As I struggle to come to terms with this reality, I have been comforting my soul with this Potato and Leek Soup. This recipe is perfect for those chilly days, and it won’t break the bank Read more...

Booze Reviews | Soju

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Chug Norris

Following in the footsteps of Marco Polo I embarked on a tasting of the Korean spirit soju. Originally brewed as a pure spirit, soju now comes in a range of fruit flavours. I selected three flavours from the Chateul Soorok brand for consideration. I’ll be honest I had never even heard of Soju Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 4:11pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Vape juice isn’t a substitute for serotonin.  Coping mechanism: Therapy  Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Keep having low standards, it’s only up from here.  Coping mechanism: Maladaptive daydreaming   Aries Mar 21 - Apr Read more...

EDITORIAL: Please listen to me

Posted 2:15pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Erin Gourley

A few years ago it would have been weirD to create an entire issue about conspiracies. They weren’t that relevant. If you said conspiracies, people didn’t think of vaccines or 5G, they thought of JFK and the moon landing. It was a simpler time. These fun little conspiracies didn’t Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Wrong Kind of Bang

Posted 8:29pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

This boy was very cute. French, got the curls, six foot tall, eight inches, the whole package. We were a few dates in by this point, feeling each other out but not quite feeling each other up yet. This bitch was getting horny. One Friday night we decided to get dressed up and go to town. We chatted, Read more...

Dear Critic...

Posted 8:27pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

Dear Critic, I just hope he reads this. To the boy I slept with at Hyde: I have Chlamydia. I’m sorry. You had brown hair, a fade, and were wearing a vest and button-up combo as part of your Peaky Blinders fit. You were drinking Major Major. I think your name was James? I’m not sure. Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 8:25pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

I am literally just saying songs I rate and hate and why. I am not capable of complex thought at this time x   Rate Cellophane by FKA Twigs. I really rate that song and its massive sad indie girl vibes. Slumber Party by Ashnikko ft. Princess Nokia. My flatmate and I learned the Read more...

Fuck, I Have Scurvy!

Posted 8:17pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Veggie Fajitas (to help you avoid scurvy) Though I am a passionate advocate for beige food, I am also passionately against scurvy, that terrible thing my mother threatened I would get if I didn’t eat my peas for dinner. If you feel like it is time to be kind to that beautiful body of yours, Read more...

Booze Reviews | Peronis: Living the High Life

Posted 8:08pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Chug Norris

Italians either succeed at something completely, or they fail at it miserably. Ferraris and World War II are some prime examples of these extremes. Peronis are something that they managed to get right. They are a perfect beer for demonstrating to your peers that you are sophisticated yet down to Read more...

Otago’s New Vice-Chancellor Revealed

Posted 8:01pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following months of speculation, the Uni’s newest Vice-Chancellor has been named as AirFryer PROMAX-XL®. It is Otago’s first Vice-Chancellor of Chinese origin, the first to be a kitchen appliance, and the second soulless machine to hold the position.  The appointment was Read more...

Other Students Fascinated, Dazzled, and In a General State of Awe That You Know the DJ

Posted 7:59pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Students were overwhelmed with Fanzi Pance’s knowledge of local music when, last Saturday night, he proudly informed the people of Catacombs that he knew the DJ. “I’ve never met someone who knows a DJ before,” gushed Jessica, who had consumed two blueberry cruisers that Read more...

EDITORIAL: Tell the Uni where they can stick their rubbish fines

Posted 3:41pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Erin Gourley

Yeah, that’s right, I’m the Proctor and I will impose a daily fine on you if you don’t clean up the rubbish and broken glass outside your flat.  That’s what could happen if you don’t submit against the University’s proposed changes to the Code of Conduct. Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Yanking My Christmas Cracker

Posted 9:58pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

It's December, 2020, and I'm finally back home for Christmas break. With everyone stuck in one small house again (parents, siblings, pets, neighbours coming round), it gets pretty suffocating and sexually frustrating pretty quick. Lucky for me, I have a lad on call with a car. So, Read more...

Dear Critic...

Posted 9:55pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

Dear Critic, Last week I wrote in about a wasp’s nest and you suggested that you could soak it in petrol to get them to move out. Well, the tradies next door got the petrol out of the lawn mower and soaked it, but they ignited it, so now there's a smoldering wasp nest and a swarm of Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 9:53pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

Rate Students who have never once made it to an 8am lecture getting up at 5.30 to start drinking. That’s on priorities.  Boys hitting hyde wearing Peaky Blinders costumes. To the people who reused your teletubby halloween costumes from 2016, step up your game x  The North D Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 9:50pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Alice Taylor

Crazy for Katsu If I was to tally all the money I have spent on food in the last four years, a substantial portion would have been spent on my dearest fried chicken. I do not regret a single cent I have spent on this glorious food, but it was wise to learn how to make it myself. This recipe is Read more...

Booze Reviews | Major Major

Posted 9:40pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Chug Norris

In my extremely shit-faced attempts to find something newsworthy at Hyde I came across a dude pissing against a wall and holding a Major Major. I asked him what he thought of his beverage and he told me: “Bloody good, tastes just like apple-juice.”  That is an excellent summary Read more...

All “Young People on the Property Ladder” Actually Just One Landlord

Posted 9:37pm Monday 26th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a shocking exposé, it has been revealed that all media stories about young people buying houses were faked. A fraudulent Dunedin landlord was hired by the New Zealand Property Investors’ Federation to impersonate young Kiwis buying their first home by putting on a range of Read more...

North Islander Discovers the Hype Behind Cheese Rolls

Posted 9:35pm Monday 26th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a stunning and unexpected U-turn hailed as a new dawn for inter-island relations, a North Islander tried a cheese roll and understood just why South Islanders love it so much.  James, who was born and bred in Palmerston North, has been a student at Otago for the last four years. Despite Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 9:32pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 There are plenty of fish in the sea, stop catching feelings. Accessory of choice: chokers Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Keep doing your hot pisces shit, don’t let anyone steal your energy this week baby. Accessory of choice: new shoes Aries Mar 21 - Read more...

EDITORIAL: Please someone open a bakery near campus

Posted 12:15pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Erin Gourley

Look I don’t really understand how businesses work and I’m not going to pretend I do. This is less of a valid opinion, and more of a personal fantasy of mine. My demand is simple: I want a bakery near campus. Not a cafe with overpriced scones and slices. A bakery that is overflowing Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Effortless Threesome

Posted 1:53am Monday 19th April 2021 by Critic

Flashback to 2017. It’s my first year at Otago University (I transferred from Canterbury because my life there was as flat as the city’s landscape).  It’s a Thursday night and I’m bored so I send an “upto” to someone I used to go to high school with. Lo Read more...

Dear Critic...

Posted 1:50am Monday 19th April 2021 by Critic

Dear Critic, There’s a wasp nest in front of our flat. Every time I walk out, I’m terrified that I’m gonna get stung. Our landlord said we could just call some ecology students and they’d pull it out, but I highly doubt that. What do we do? Shawn   Gidday Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 1:45am Monday 19th April 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Cooking a meal on your kitchen floor because all the bench space has dishes on it. Sounds gross but is actually a quintessential experience  Margaret Atwood: She can write anything, can’t believe she’s still alive  The garlic bread they sell at stilettos. Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 1:40am Monday 19th April 2021 by Alice Taylor

Crispy satay tofu  I am very passionate about this week’s recipe. It’s difficult to mess it up an delicious. I have been known to pour this sauce into a bowl, microwave it, and eat it with a spoon. I have served the sauce here with crispy fried tofu, but you could pour it over Read more...

Booze Reviews: Cocktail Research and Development

Posted 1:33am Monday 19th April 2021 by Chug Norris

Having already acquired my alcohol for Hyde and not ready to buy anything else for the week, I decided to scrounge the little alcohol I had and try out a few wacky combinations. Mostly they were better than the original ingredients. Triple Brown The Triple Brown consists of a Double Brown with Read more...

Millions of Questions, But Nobody AskedOtago How It Was Feeling

Posted 1:29am Monday 19th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune

AskOtago is reportedly on the brink of a nervous breakdown after, despite having answered millions of student questions since it opened on the ground floor of Central in 2018, nobody asked it how it was really doing.  The helpdesk service has been struggling to cope emotionally for years, Read more...

Judith Collins Eyes Vice-Chancellorship

Posted 1:28am Monday 19th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune

After a slew of dismal polling numbers and backstabbing within the National Party, Leader of the Opposition Judith “Crusher” Collins is in talks with Otago Uni executives for the vacant role of Vice-Chancellor. Whispers of yet another leadership change in the National Party have Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 1:25am Monday 19th April 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Feeling manic? Call your therapist. To bake this week: your mind  Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 You need to stop dwelling on yet another failed talking stage. You can do better than tinder breathas.  To bake this week: chocolate covered Read more...

EDITORIAL: Sign Up Club Should Absolutely Not Take Over OUSA’s Meeting

Posted 8:42pm Sunday 18th April 2021 by Erin Gourley

I repeat, Sign Up Club should NOT take over the OUSA Student General Meeting that is taking place on Wednesday 21 April at 12pm in Union Hall. It would be VERY BAD if Sign Up Club sent say a hundred members of their pyramid scheme, and their members voted as a bloc making up over 50% of the Read more...

Piss Poor Moaningful Confession

Posted 1:20am Sunday 11th April 2021 by Critic

“Your essay is shit.”  My heart dropped to my stomach, I knew he was saying it in a playful tone, but I had spent a dismal night in St Daves trying to fix my assignment. This guy had passed this paper: he could help me make it better. He must have known his comment hurt because Read more...

Fuck, I'm in Love!

Posted 1:14am Sunday 11th April 2021 by Alice Taylor

I passionately believe that the most effective way to tell your special someone you love them is through the gift of chocolate in molten form. These gooey chocolate puddings are so easy to make and will make the person you give it to feel very special. And if you don’t happen to have another Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 1:09am Sunday 11th April 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate The flying fox behind gardens New World. Provides much entertainment on a dusty walk home from town. Wearing the same top as another girl at a party. It’s not embarrassing, that’s just how you know you’re fashionable.  Adults on Lime scooters. You go Read more...

Booze Reviews | Rodenbach

Posted 1:02am Sunday 11th April 2021 by Chug Norris

Rodenbach caused Black Friday levels of sensation at Centre City New World when they were put on sale for $1.99 for a six-pack. Ahead of the curve, I managed to grab 48 cans ($16 worth) before the masses swept the rest away. This turned out to be one of the worst decisions of my life.  In my Read more...

Acting Vice-Chancellor Cancels Uni’s Moth Protection, Moths Eat Everything

Posted 12:57am Sunday 11th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune

The University Senate last week voted to drop the Uni’s moth protection plan. In the days since, moths have wreaked havoc across campus. “The University has been held hostage by Big Moth for too long,” said the new Vice-Chancellor. “As part of this new regime of financial Read more...