Archive
Scrumpy Is an Arsehole of a Drink
Posted 6:32pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Scrumpy is an arsehole of a drink. It’s the fake friend who pretends to be your mate, and then talks shit about you to all of your friends and family (I’m talking about you, Steve). It’s labelled sweet, but it’s as sour as my ex that one time I took her to Macca’s on Read more...
Love Is Blind | Scarfie and Scaffolder
Posted 6:31pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Scarfie This was a terrible idea. I’m a Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mamma Zo, I’m throwing my first red card this weekend, what do I need to know?
Posted 6:27pm Thursday 19th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Make sure you clear the entire day, even if the party starts late in the morning at like 5pm. And always have a bevvie or two before your guests arrive so your guests know that you’re out for a fun time and not just out to be a control freak. Red cards need a unique theme. For Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | The Wedding Singer
Posted 7:04pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
In the last review I wrote, I talked about how Adam Sandler’s filmography can be divided into Old Age and New Wave. After diving into New Wave Sandler with Grown Ups, it seems only reasonable to take it back a notch, to let’s say 1985, to examine peak Old Age Sandler. Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Urinated All Over Tauranga
Posted 6:18pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Welcome back. This week the ODT is reporting on some ground-breaking research, In sinister news, I’ve seen the Lord of the Rings; I know how this ends. Next, the ODT wrote a front page story about Read more...
Let’s Talk About Syphilis
Posted 5:28pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Doctor Sash
Back in the day, syphilis was one of the most common sexually transmissible infections (STIs), with around 1 in 10 people contracting it. Without treatment syphilis can kill, in fact it was responsible for the deaths of Oscar Wilde and Al Capone. Thankfully along came penicillin, which can cure the Read more...
How To Be A Less Shit Cook | Gnocchi
Posted 5:26pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Gnocchi has got to be just about the most filling thing on the face of the planet. No matter how much you think you’re gonna need, you’re going to be feeling like UBar on Wednesday before you get halfway through your plate. The thing about gnocchi is that you can pretty much Read more...
If You See A Mate Drinking Atlas Super Strong 12%, Call The Poison Hotline
Posted 5:20pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Genuinely, my first reaction was a full-body shudder. I put on White Snake’s “Here I Go Again” as motivation to get me through it. It didn’t help. By far the best part of this beer is the cool picture of Atlas holding up a very inaccurate globe. In a real game changer for Read more...
Love Is Blind | Caitlin and Cam
Posted 5:17pm Thursday 12th July 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Caitlin About a year ago I sent Critic a drunk Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Adopted Outdated Yorkshire Idiom
Posted 11:11pm Sunday 8th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Welcome back. In case you missed it, the ODT have been up to their old tricks over the break. Yip. You missed nothing. So the ODT has a column called “Ask a Scientist” where readers send in questions and a scientist answers them. Or apparently just Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups
Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
That’s right, you guessed it. It’s a new semester, a new me, and I’m already back on my old bullshit. Uni got a bit too much at the end of last semester and I was getting very overwhelmed by how much Adam Sandler I had to watch. But we’re back with a set fresh of eyes to look Read more...
How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Takeaway-Style Butter Chicken
Posted 9:46pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
The luxurious, creamy sweet feel of a takeaway butter chicken is an indescribably gorgeous sensory experience that combines the eroticism of a soft titty-fucking with the comfort of Frank Ocean singing a lullaby. For years I’ve dreamed of the day when I could say ‘Fuck the Read more...
Nitro Is Not Safe For Human Consumption
Posted 9:44pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Nitro is a kick up the arse from a big, heavy boot made of pure methamphetamine. The fact that this drink even exists is evidence enough that the human race is destined to destroy itself. Let’s break it down. At its core, Nitro is a fairly simple cocktail of vodka and orange soda Read more...
Love Is Blind | Yoko and John
Posted 9:41pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Yoko I knew I was either going to have the best night Read more...
Dear Aunty Kells and Mama Zo: I can never seem to find the right shampoo for my hair. How do you choose the right one?
Posted 9:38pm Thursday 5th July 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Doing the weekly flat shop is at its absolute worst when you’ve run out of conditioner and shampoo, your flatties are trying to get through the check-out, you’re still looking at shampoo, having an existential crisis “AM I NORMAL, IS MY HAIR NORMAL?!” figuring out what Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week ODT Watch Was Leaked the ODT’s Biannual External Review
Posted 2:16am Sunday 27th May 2018 by Nat Moore
Sources within the ODT have confirmed that Editor Barry Fitzbarry has spent the last week laughing at the moon and hosting debaucherous orgies in the ODT boardroom, assuming that because Critic has been dealing with international media attention (your time will come, ODT), we’d be too busy to Read more...
The Post Fact World | Issue 13
Posted 1:02am Sunday 27th May 2018 by Nat Moore
In 2018 a bill was passed to change MENstruation, to PEOPLEstruation. The airport was originally called the plane station until Hugh Grant fucked up his voice over in 2003’s Love Actually and no one was willing to admit the then-heart throb was incorrect. Campus Watch was Read more...
Kingfisher Premium Lager is a Sneaky Bastard
Posted 7:50pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Every week I’m tempted by the same tantalising offer. This sultry temptress is not that hot fresher at 10 Bar, but instead twelve 5% beers for $22. I am of course talking about Kingfisher Premium Lager. This beer created in India is cheap, easy to drink, and much like its slogan (“The Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Shakira and Kanye
Posted 7:44pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Shakira On a chilly Thursday night, Read more...
Critic Food Review | Twinings English Breakfast Tea
Posted 7:40pm Thursday 24th May 2018 by David Emanuel
Twinings English Breakfast Tea is the opposing force to 2018, our last hope before we descend into complete censorship. It is important to clarify that every year the big wigs who write the Oxford English Dictionary add a new word to the dictionary to represent the feeling of the times. This year Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Let Themselves Down
Posted 9:07pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
We’re disappointed in the ODT this week. They missed an obvious pun. Alternative headline: “Post shops to become post-post shops.” Are you ok Barry (I assume your name’s Barry)? Is your strained relationship with your wife and your growing isolation from your children Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project | The Signmaker
Posted 5:47pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
Some students and landlords commission the construction of signs, usually from a commercial outfit, but a new (to me, at least) market has emerged. A few years ago I caught up with Jasper, at the time a fourth year law student, who for the previous three years had been making flat signs on Read more...
Booze Review: Jose Cuervo Tequila will murder your whole family
Posted 5:46pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Jose Cuervo tequila will murder your family, frame you for visa fraud, shiv you and leave you to die in a Mexican prison. Have you ever been run over by a freight truck, stomped out by a Super Rugby team in studs, shat your liver out your arsehole, or cried yourself to sleep in a cold Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Meghan and Harry
Posted 5:44pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Meghan Well blow me sideways and strap in for the Read more...
Advice On How To Be A Fifth Year And Increase Your Social Media Following
Posted 5:43pm Thursday 17th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
By the time you get to fifth year/5 years +, you find yourself living alone in St Clair or a random hill/valley somewhere else in Dunedin. Your Facebook page is rusty and as a cohort, you’re averaging 20 likes per Instagram post. While there is nothing wrong with living in the real world, Read more...
Dunedin Youth Orchestra Hit The Stage with 'Rhapsody in Blue'
Posted 3:25pm Tuesday 15th May 2018 by Ihlara McIndoe
The Dunedin Youth Orchestra’s “In Blue” concert coming up on Friday 18 May at 8.15pm at Hanover Hall offers a “really chill and super fun opportunity for students to get amongst some classic orchestra works” says Isaac Shatford, DYO’s featured soloist this Read more...
ODT Watch | The Week We Felt (Briefly) Sad for the ODT
Posted 4:49pm Sunday 13th May 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week the ODT are seeking help for a problem sculpture that keeps popping up in their garden, They tried cutting it in half, but then they jut had two worm sculptures to deal with. Next, some words from Councillor Lee ‘Climate Change is Read more...
Popular Mark Ruffalos
Posted 9:56pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic
The definitive list of the most popular Mark Ruffalos in North Dunedin this week Don Hewitt: Divorced, but still has a good relationship with your mum. Weirdly ripped. Runs a landscaping business. Bruce Banner: Obsessed with World War Two history. Sometimes you think he cares more about his Read more...
The Post-Fact World | Issue 11
Posted 9:55pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic
If you laid a blue whale in Wembley stadium end to end the game would be cancelled. The shape of Shapes cracker is called a ‘shape shape’ On average a person will eat eight spiders in their life if they like eating spiders The "average person eats 8 spiders a Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project | Double The Fun
Posted 9:27pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
One thing I often hear is that students like their flats to have a ‘bit of character’ in their first couple of years flatting. ‘Character’ can often be synonymous with cold or crappy, because toughing it out in an old, cold flat is considered ‘character building,’ Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Shelley and John
Posted 9:26pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Shelley When Critic’s blind date Read more...
Jägermeister Doesn't Exist
Posted 9:06pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
There is no such thing as Jägermeister. It does not exist. It is a myth, concocted by a shadowy group within the government for the sole purpose of accustoming the masses to the taste of rat poison, so one day they can feed it to you and KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY. Think about it: have you Read more...
How to Know if You Should Take Yourself to the Doctors
Posted 8:28pm Friday 11th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
It’s that time of year. Exams are nigh, Seasonal Affective Disorder is imminent, fruit is about to get so expensive you get scurvy and if you haven’t had chlamydia yet, chances are you might. At this time of year, it is hard to know if you are actually sick (at least if Read more...
ODT Reporter Fired After Failing To Include A Single Pun In 10 Consecutive Stories
Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic
Otago Daily Times local news reporter Barry O’Barrigan was terminated from his position last Thursday following reports that he had been deliberately and maliciously refusing to include wordplay or puns in any of his story headlines. Editor-In-Chief Barry Stewart pointed out one egregious Read more...
Student Gazes Into The Abyss After Being Asked to “Discuss With the Person Sitting Next to You”
Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic
It was an ordinary day for Rebecca Milnes. She was sitting in her lecture, floating in and out of sleep, contemplating nothing more than which riceball shop to go to for lunch and whether or not the stranger in front of her has nits. Bliss. Then it all went to shit. “Turn to the person sitting Read more...
Uni To Open 24/7 Bars In All Student Accommodation
Posted 7:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic
In an attempt to prevent students from loitering on the streets at night, Vice-Chancellor Harlene Hayne has announced she will personally install 24/7 bars in all residential colleges, except St Marg’s and Carrington because they are massive nerds. Hayne claimed this move will ensure students Read more...
Local Graphic Designer Pays Rent With Exposure Earned From Latest Job
Posted 7:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic
Dunedin graphic designer Charlotte Troyer is absolutely stoked to be paying her first rent check with all that exposure she earned by providing hours of artwork to a new business. “Yeah, it’s great,” Charlotte told reporters. “The company I did the artwork for said that Read more...
The Post-Fact World | Issue 10
Posted 6:58pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic
The nose is the labrador of the face If you shout loud enough, you can hear your own voice Chalk is grown on the spiky, desert dwelling, chalk plant. This is why it is crumbly, like a desert Apple crumble is also grown in the depths of the desert, that is why it is crumbly like a Read more...
Critic Food Review | The Alternative Meat Co
Posted 5:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by David Emanuel
The Alternative Meat Co.’s fake chicken is everything that is wrong with 2018 all mulled into pieces of dense matter that tastes like stale farts and durries. Upon opening the packet of fake chicken you are greeted by what appears to be recycled pieces of Barbara Bush. But after a careful Read more...
The Critic Booze Reviews Guide to Craft Beer
Posted 5:20pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Thinking it’s time you grew up and started appreciating the finer things in life? Swilliam Shakesbeer breaks down how to sneak your way into the world of craft beer. Don’t fuck with craft lagers Craft lagers are bullshit. The only reason they exist is for people that Read more...
Advice On How To Be A Solo Zen-Dog Traveller For A Year
Posted 5:07pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
If you’re trying to find yourself, a good place to look is Southeast Asia. If you want to make your trip last a lifetime, get a little tattoo on your wrist or ankle, as a symbol of your personal growth. Reconciling your basic bitch aesthetic with finding yourself while travelling is quite Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Vanessa and Barry B. Benson
Posted 4:22pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Vanessa I was walking back to my car after work Read more...
The Post-Fact World | Issue 09
Posted 2:38am Monday 30th April 2018 by Critic
Antiherstamines are antihistamines for women Hersterectomies are hysterectomies for women His-t-erect-omies are hysterectomies for men Despite their reputation, cows are actually land mammals - they only go out to sea to die If you are making a cake and you don’t have enough eggs, Read more...
The Week the ODT Blurred a Naughty Word
Posted 2:25am Monday 30th April 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
We’ve got an ODT classic to start this week off Reporting on things not happening is quintessential ODT. Then, a gem from the ‘Secondary Scene’ section, where the ODT features essays from high schoolers because they can’t be bothered Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me A Dream | I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Posted 2:10am Monday 30th April 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
What’s better than this? Guys being dudes. Just two bros’, living their best life, getting married – but no homo though. Basically, Kevin James is in a spot of trouble in terms of pension payments following his wife’s death, and realizes he has no one to take care of his kids Read more...
Dunedin Flat Names Project – Where the Streets Have Many Names
Posted 2:09am Monday 30th April 2018 by Sarah Gallagher
Puns, colloquialisms and obscure references to in-jokes are part and parcel of the practice of naming flats in Dunedin. Making reference to the environment the flat is situated in is a common theme with particular issues or features of the buildings highlighted, such as the colour or state of the Read more...
Tui Bourbon and Cola is a Disgrace
Posted 2:00am Monday 30th April 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Tui Bourbon & Cola is the worst of both worlds. Like combining Andrew Hore with thriving seal colonies. Or Mark Richardson and opinions on anything other than cricket. Or Israel Folau and his opinions on anything. It’s like Mike Hosking, Tony Veitch and Paul Holmes were ground up and mixed Read more...
Advice On How To Reinvent Yourself
Posted 6:53pm Sunday 29th April 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Moving to uni is the perfect opportunity to reinvent yourself. Sometimes we think reinventing yourself is a kind of awkward thing to do. As if everyone else would know how doobie you used to be, and that they’d see through your new sheen of me-ness. Well, maybe. But also, whatever. You can Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Bonnie and Clyde
Posted 6:48pm Sunday 29th April 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Bonnie My night started off with me drinking scrumpy Read more...
Clarke Gayford to Step Down from Spending Time with Family to Spend More Time with Family
Posted 5:46pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic
Following explosive reports from the NZ Herald that he was “cringey,” and “had an e at the end of his name,” Clarke Gayford has stepped down from his unelected, unpaid public role. “I can’t continue in my position as a ‘guy who likes fishing and banging Read more...
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