Archive
Horoscope
Posted 3:46pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Instead of pre-planning New Years, focus on those end of year exams and assignments. One day at a time as they say. Political ideology to research: shit-posting left wing content on social media Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 All panic, no Read more...
EDITORIAL: We need oversight of how Aotearoa’s universities handle sexual harassment
Posted 2:22pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Erin Gourley
This week in news, Stop Sexual Harassment on Campus Aotearoa (SSHOC) are calling for the creation of a new organisation to monitor how universities respond to sexual misconduct on campus. That’s a great idea that needs to be implemented. Universities across the country have failed their Read more...
Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022
Posted 7:05pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
With North D flats increasingly scarce, freshers have been circling the next best option for affordable student accommodation in the area — park benches in the Botans. Local landlord Michael Moneybags was seen conducting a viewing of his park benches one afternoon, with six eager Read more...
Students Forced To Clean In The Leith Amidst Bathroom “Upgrades”
Posted 7:04pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Peaceful spring mornings on University campus have been disrupted by hordes of students descending upon the Leith to cleanse in lieu of their own scummy bathrooms. With flat viewing season rapidly kicking into gear, landlords are once again doing the bare minimum to make their hovels hospitable, Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 7:02pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your mental stability might scare you at the moment. But it’s okay, you can’t be unhinged forever. It’s all part of the character development. Beverage of the week: cheap bottle of sav Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Romanticise every Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 6:58pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Level 2, house parties are where it’s at!! But pls theme your house parties for a more fun and interesting time. Masks, it’s so much easier to make eyes at people now because it’s the only part of their face you can see. Making yourself the main character. I am in Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | No Ragrets
Posted 6:57pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Critic
When the Critic asked us to spill our most scandalous sexcapades I didn’t know where to start. I still don’t. So many stories. Do I start with the three-way in a sauna which ended with more than sweat dripping down my body? Or the twelve-man orgy in which I could only make out the Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 6:55pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Alice Taylor
No-Yeast Pesto Scrolls I created this recipe when I had the dark realisation that I was averaging about five scrolls per week, which really does make a dent on the bank account. These are so easy to make and the recipe doesn’t involve any yeast. You can also change up the flavour to what Read more...
Corona Extra
Posted 3:48pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Chug Norris
The first time I ever had a beer, it was a Corona. My dad handed it to me, looked me dead in the eyes and said: “This is a Corona boy. Don’t take your Coronas to a party, son, leave them at home for pre’s.” All my life I heeded his words. Every time I bought Coronas, I Read more...
EDITORIAL: Pour one out for Catherine Mills, “habitual drunkard” and original owner of Starters
Posted 1:32pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Erin Gourley
We’re all mourning the death of Starters. No more afternoon pints in the courtyard, no more underrated cheeseburgers in the dingy light, no more ordering too many beer towers, no more being grossed out by the bathrooms that never quite stopped smelling of vomit. But the bar wasn’t only a Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | That Time I Straight Up Had Sex In A Zoo
Posted 4:22pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Critic
Okay straight up I had sex in a zoo, multiple times. I’m here to confess my sins of my wrongdoings to all of the animals that bore witness to these sexy times. Anyway, my boyfriend at the time came to visit me in my home city and we went to the zoo, as you do when you're showing someone Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 4:21pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Alice Taylor
Chocolate Self Saucing Pudding This is my most baked pudding of 2021. On several occasions when I have been at a loss for what to cook for dinner, I have made and eaten half of this pudding and called it a day. When you make this recipe, it will feel wrong, as pouring boiling water on top of cake Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 4:16pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Nanaia Mahuta (Foreign Affairs Minister) having a moko kauae — yes queen I’m so glad she reps NZ. Justifying your post lockdown slutty behaviour by reminding yourself what Chris Hipkins said. That fact that I dropped out before lockdown started, I do not need another year Read more...
Nissan Leaf Blissfully Unaware That It Will Be A Breatha’s Car in 20 Years
Posted 4:14pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
A Japanese Nissan Leaf is sitting in a Yokohama showroom, apparently happily unaware of the abuse it will face at the hands of an Otago student in 20 years time. The electric car, decked out in Magnetic Red, was born at Nissan’s Oppama Factory last month; far too young to even comprehend Read more...
Return to Level 2 Celebrated By Exploited Hospo Workers
Posted 4:13pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
A return to Alert Level 2 is being welcomed by Dunedin’s exploited hospitality workers, who say they are looking forward to being overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated yet again. Local bartender Timothy told the Critical Tribune: “It was real weird sitting at home. Like, I Read more...
Booze Reviews | Grolsch Premium Pilsner
Posted 4:11pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by 6Pac
Grolsch is the beer that nobody asked for and nobody drinks. Just the name fills you with disgust and a little bit of fear. Despite the tastefully ribbed green bottle for his and her pleasure, the tiny printed label around its neck makes Grolsch almost invisible to the naked eye when literally any Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 4:08pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Despite the news of level 2, chances are you’re not going to break those lockdown habits. Keep ignoring those lectures and day drinking. YOLO swag. Self care tip: indulge in some bougie RTDs Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 The next few weeks are Read more...
GUEST EDITORIAL | Nau mai ngā hua o Mahuru Māori
Posted 12:50am Saturday 11th September 2021 by Karamea Pēwhairangi
Mauri ora ki a tātau katoa. Nau mai haere mai ki tēnei perehitanga mo Te Arohi! Kaore he kore e mōhiotia whānuitia koutou ko te kaupapa mo tēnei wiki, ko te reo Māori. Ko ōna pikinga, me ōna hekenga i roto i ngā tau kua hōri. Hei kupu Read more...
Crossword (Issue 21)
Posted 12:44pm Monday 6th September 2021 by Ciara White
Scroll down for the crossword from our current issue. Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Part 2: A Big Night
Posted 3:59pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Critic
This experience came right on the back of a great one nighter, a wonderful night with such a hulk of man. Totally destroyed my ass and I loved it. We arranged to meet at his (we'll call him Dave), and planned out a little study meeting with some fun and maybe even a friend after. The sheer Read more...
Lecturer Busily Planning Extra Work For Locked-Down Students
Posted 3:54pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
While most people are stuck at home with their schedules interrupted, one Uni lecturer is not letting lockdown stop his plans for the year. If anything, he’s planning to make it busier than ever before, with a flood of new assignments, projects and unit tests. Physiology lecturer Dr Mas Read more...
Parents Bribed Uni to Stop Students from Returning Home: OIA
Posted 3:53pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
The email from Otago suggesting Health Sci students who went home were “gambling with their academic futures” was a result of pressure, begging, and bribery from parents, according to emails released to the Critical Tribune. In an email that caused stress for many students wishing to Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 3:49pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Making a lockdown bingo with your flatties since you all know each other FAR too intimately now (e.g. Niamh asks how to spell something). Going for a run, it’s such an event. I do my eyeliner for that shit these days. Beer pong practice, those sexy breathas won’t know Read more...
Booze Reviews | White Wine
Posted 3:47pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Chug Norris
Now of course, white wine is a pretty broad category. But there’s a reason I’m not distinguishing sauvignon wanc and presling. There is simply no way I am going to review every slight fucking variation of white wine especially considering that there are hundreds of wineries for each Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 3:43pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Times are tough. You’re probably bored out of your brains at home. Try watching all your lectures and keep on top of things over lockdown so the workload doesn’t pile up. Lockdown activity: studying with lofi beats Pisces Feb Read more...
EDITORIAL | An ode to Singstar, the very best lockdown activity
Posted 1:20pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Erin Gourley
Lockdown boredom takes you to some weird places. You cry at TV shows, get emotional about your no-stakes game of poker, learn how to play field hockey and hurt your back. I know of just one game that involves no pain, only fun and bad singing: Singstar. Singstar is the perfect lockdown activity Read more...
Crossword (Issue 20)
Posted 1:26pm Monday 23rd August 2021 by Ciara White
Scroll down for the crossword from our current issue. Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Juicy Stuff in a Juicy Van
Posted 4:30pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Critic
This story begins with a weekend trip to Queenstown with the girls. Drinking? Yes. Lines in town which are shorter than two hours? Yes. Hitting the slopes while we’re at it? Big yes. Half a bottle of fireball and a full face of makeup later, we find our way to town. By this point, Read more...
Breather Develops New Pull-Tab Method to Open Cans
Posted 4:27pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
A local breatha, Devan, has after years of experimentation reached a breakthrough in accessing the liquid contents of RTDs. By pulling the tab on the top of the can, a hole is opened which allows convenient sipping without any mess or unnecessary brain injuries. Until just one week ago, Read more...
Dunedin Hospital Moves Geriatric Ward To Face Hayward College
Posted 4:26pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Following complaints from Dunedin Hospital’s children’s ward about seeing “certain naked activities at night” from Hayward College across the road, the Hospital has stumbled upon a win-win situation: moving the geriatric ward to face the hall of residence instead. Dr. Burt Read more...
Horny Singles in your Area Still Ready to Mingle, Despite Level 4 Protocol
Posted 4:25pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Critic can confirm that the plethora of lonely MILF’s advertised by sketchy websties are still “seeking company” in these trying times. Apparently unaware of, or at least willfully ignorant of, the lockdown procedure, these charming ladies have not backed down from Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 4:23pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Alice Taylor
Falafel I was inspired to publish this recipe for two reasons. Firstly, while I am a proud and devoted lover of cheese and carbs, I realised that the majority of my most recent recipes were incredibly beige, creamy and cheesy. And secondly, lunch is by far my least favorite meal to make. Read more...
Hardcover Novel in Student Flat Hopeful of Finally Being Read
Posted 4:19pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
A hardcover copy of “The Luminaries”, which has been gathering dust in a shady corner of a Dundas Street flat, is optimistic that it will finally be read over the lockdown period. The 2020 edition of Eleanor Catton’s book was purchased as a Christmas gift last year, by the Read more...
Booze Reviews | Speight's
Posted 4:16pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by @stassielijoshbeer
If you’re sick of the average chat of our weekly booze review and want to see some serious reviews of more quality beers, then check out @stassielijoshbeer on instagram. They are three flatmates who have committed to doing in-depth reviews of a bunch of NZ crafties. Just to fuck with them, Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 4:13pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to give yourself a pat on the back. It’s nearly the end of the year, and you’ve made it this far. Keep pushing onwards my Aquarians xx Habit to break: procrastination Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’ve never Read more...
EDITORIAL: Lock-a-down-a! Here we go again
Posted 1:57pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Erin Gourley
Lots of déjà vu around at the moment. I’ve barely processed the snap lockdown. Three days feels short, like a nice break, but it looks like it will be longer than that. Time is already starting to do that stretchy thing it does when all the days are the same. I’m writing Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Is the gag reflex mental? No, here’s the proof
Posted 2:39pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Critic
I had moved into a flat after living with my ex whose name for the story shall be Luke. My flattie and I were downing gin and juice while playing board games having a grand ol’ time. Once she carked it in bed, I thought “this is a perfect opportunity to sneak around to my ex’s Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 2:36pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Alice Taylor
Nutella Bread and Butter Pudding (AKA Baked French Toast) This pudding is easy and cheap. If you don’t have too much experience baking, it’s a great place to start. It is exceptionally difficult to fuck up, because it is literally white bread smothered in Nutella and soaked in Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 2:32pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to give yourself a pat on the back. It’s nearly the end of the year, and you’ve made it this far. Keep pushing onwards my Aquarians xx Habit to break: procrastination Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’ve never met a Read more...
Rate or Hate: Art Edition
Posted 2:21pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Interpretive dance. I’m not being ironic, I literally rate that shit as art. That ‘Norman For You’ episode called Dumb Starbucks that people thought might be a Banksy installation before the episode aired. The girl flatmates’ art and wine nights. I Read more...
Editorial: I admit it, we slept on Konya Kebabs
Posted 6:12pm Sunday 15th August 2021 by Erin Gourley
Last week we were inundated with criticism for an article. No, it wasn’t the investigation into neo-Nazis. It was the kebab review. As soon as it was posted on Facebook the comments started. The people were angry. They said, amongst other things: “WHERE IS Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Sandy Cheeks
Posted 2:39am Monday 9th August 2021 by Critic
Once upon a summer's day, a beautiful princess was finishing her last exam. Her (not really) Prince Charming was waiting outside the exam room with a cup of tea, a packed lunch and his noble steed, a Toyota people-mover with amazing fuel economy. It had been a couple of lonely days with the exam Read more...
Fresher Denies Kissing His Mother
Posted 2:37am Monday 9th August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Ethan, a fresher at UniCol, has insisted that he “didn’t even” get a kiss from his mum as she was saying goodbye after a recent visit. Ethan’s parents were down from Auckland on a business trip and “just thought they’d pop by and see how Ethan was Read more...
City Councillor Encourages Wholesome, Old-Timey Kids Activities
Posted 2:36am Monday 9th August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Firebrand councillor Pete No-Fun voiced stern opposition to a planned multi-million dollar kids playground today, saying that it was a waste of money and that he didn’t need a large, elaborate playground to have a perfectly happy, fulfilling childhood. He spoke up after Mayor A.A. Ron Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 2:33am Monday 9th August 2021 by Alice Taylor
Macaroni and Cheese Few things in life are as good as a bowl of carbohydrate drenched in creamy, cheese laden sauce. Some people like to add veggies to their mac and cheese, and look, I will not judge you if you do that. You are free to make your mac and cheese as you wish. In my opinion though, Read more...
Booze Reviews | NZ Lager
Posted 2:32am Monday 9th August 2021 by Chug Norris
NZ lager is without a doubt one of the most reliable drinks in Aotearoa. Like a plank of four by two, a per capita medal tally, and a piece of number eight wire, it represents the robust, old NZ that may still exist but has been obscured by metropolitan ideals. The can is black, the colour of the Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 2:30am Monday 9th August 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Bringing eye drops with you to town, no one needs to know. My family dog not dying (at time of writing, I will update next week). Pushing in the pint night line because you “know someone”. My new best friend happens to be just before those metal dividers. Walking home Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 2:18am Monday 9th August 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time for your annual breakdown. Make sure you schedule in extra self-care this week. Start using more post-it notes to organise your life. Workout to try: running Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Do some fucking study for God’s Read more...
GUEST EDITORIAL: I spent six months undercover in a neo-Nazi group and it was not fun
Posted 12:45am Monday 9th August 2021 by Elliot Weir
The only funny moment throughout this investigation was on a hike undercover, when three members of Action Zealandia were captivated by an impressive rainbow stretched out across the Wellington skyline. They insisted that, because it had seven colours rather than six, it was “God’s Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Requires A-cyst-ance
Posted 6:46pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Critic
Journey back with me to fresher year. I’d heard about the joy of living next to a Uni campus and shoving Tinder on less than 2km, but I was yet to experience it first-hand until that fateful night. It was exam season so I was ready for some classic D-stressing. After a few slightly above Read more...
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