Jan 20 - Feb 18

Times are tough. You’re probably bored out of your brains at home. Try watching all your lectures and keep on top of things over lockdown so the workload doesn’t pile up. 

Lockdown activity: studying with lofi beats 



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Your emotions probably have the best of you right now. Try to stay focused, and keep your eyes on the prize. 

Lockdown activity: walking to podcasts 



Mar 21 - Apr 19

It must be hard not being able to answer those booty calls. Looks like it’ll just have to be you and your vibator for this lockdown. 

Lockdown activity: cumming 



Apr 20 - May 20

Now is the perfect time to be away with the fairies. Admire the birds by your window, bake some cookies and take in the sunshine. 

Lockdown activity: Reading on the roof 



May 21 - Jun 20

The only thing that should be inside you is some juicy Pfizer. Time to get vaxxed, baby. 

Lockdown activity: book your vaccine 



Jun 21 - July 22

Use this time to reflect on the year. Some new awakenings may come to you in this time of uncertainty.

Lockdown activity: journaling and meditation 



July - Aug 22

For all my leo men out there, hit up that beezy from a few weeks back. You never know what might happen! 

Lockdown activity: finding love 



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Love Island got you feeling lonely? No worries, try rekindling some old romances from pint night and parties. A little sneaky snapchat never hurt anyone. 

Lockdown activity: binging reality TV 



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Things are tough right now. Looks like it’s time for you to smoke some weed, abandon all responsibility and think about your place in this small and fragile universe. 

Lockdown activity: have an existential crisis 



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Try not to stress on the little things. It can be hard, but it’s best to try to keep things in perspective. Watch a funny movie, or wank off to try ease the stress. 

Lockdown activity: turn off the news 



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Your adventurous nature and hyperactive tendencies will not be doing well in such conditions. Try calming your restlessness down by finding new, non-erratic hobbies. 

Lockdown activity: planning your 2024 Contiki 



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Studying and working from home is your worst nightmare. Try to set up a solid routine, and don’t let your unorganised and irrational flatmates get to you. 

Lockdown activity: practicing tolerance 

This article first appeared in Issue 21, 2021.
Posted 3:43pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Critic.