City Councillor Encourages Wholesome, Old-Timey Kids Activities

City Councillor Encourages Wholesome, Old-Timey Kids Activities

Firebrand councillor Pete No-Fun voiced stern opposition to a planned multi-million dollar kids playground today, saying that it was a waste of money and that he didn’t need a large, elaborate playground to have a perfectly happy, fulfilling childhood. 

He spoke up after Mayor A.A. Ron presented his plans for the future of children’s play in the city, unveiling an elaborate, environmentally-friendly park featuring a solar-powered carousel (“it’ll be carbon-neutral in the 30 minutes a day it can run!”), as well as community BBQs powered by student couches, and several waterslides, fed with wastewater from the nearby St Kilda sewage pipe.

Blasting the plans as “political correctness gone mad,” Mr No-Fun argued that the plans were a significant waste of money, which could be redirected towards tax cuts for long-suffering landlords instead. 

“It’s no surprise kids these days are such pansies, wanting working playgrounds that aren’t littered with shanks and broken glass. Back in my day, all we needed for a bit of fun was my friends, some stones to throw at people, and a few clouds in the sky to look at. And if I was bored at home, I just sat in my room and stared at the wall, listening to my parents yelling! That kept me occupied for hours. It was a simpler time.”

At press time, Mr No-Fun was crying and shaking his fist at a cloud in the sky, saying “you got me this time, you old devil”.

llow bins, every kind of bin. I hate that shit.

This article first appeared in Issue 18, 2021.
Posted 2:36am Monday 9th August 2021 by The Critical Tribune.