Breather Develops New Pull-Tab Method to Open Cans

Breather Develops New Pull-Tab Method to Open Cans

A local breatha, Devan, has after years of experimentation reached a breakthrough in accessing the liquid contents of RTDs. 

By pulling the tab on the top of the can, a hole is opened which allows convenient sipping without any mess or unnecessary brain injuries. Until just one week ago, Devan and the members of his flat, originally named “Da Boiz”, had never attempted to pull the tab on the top of cans. 

“Usually I just smash the can into my head until it all sprays out and I can drink it, it’s called a rhino bro ahaha,” Devan said. He proceeded to demonstrate a rhino and vigorously encourage the Tribune’s reporter to try it. “Do you know what a shooey is, mate?” he asked after smashing a can into the reporter’s face. It was at that point that the interview concluded, with the reporter making a quick exit on foot.

Some have expressed concerns that this breakthrough may signal a dangerous development in breather intelligence. One PPE student, Augustine, was particularly concerned with the development. He said, “without the reduced brain cells from rhinoing, this development may have a snowball effect. Soon they may realise that breaking tables and jumping through windows is bad for them.”

This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2021.
Posted 4:27pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune.