Moaningful Confessions | Requires A-cyst-ance

Moaningful Confessions | Requires A-cyst-ance

Journey back with me to fresher year. I’d heard about the joy of living next to a Uni campus and shoving Tinder on less than 2km, but I was yet to experience it first-hand until that fateful night. It was exam season so I was ready for some classic D-stressing. After a few slightly above average one night stands in my hall, I was ready to journey outwards to see what pleasure awaited me.

After a few hours of swiping, I came across Nick. He was your quintessential 20 year-old American exchange student. Outdoorsy, wholesome and fuckiiinnnng sexy. After exchanging a few drunken snapchats, I jumped in an Uber to his UniFlat.

After a few hours of banter (flirty), conversation (wholesome) and a coupla hits of his bong (tasty), we head to his room with the premise of watching a few episodes of Ja’mie: Private School Girl.

We’d only made it 36 seconds into the episode before his tongue was in my mouth and he was pressing me hard into his sheets. I felt obliged to take charge and prove that I was not a starfish. I climbed on top and began the drawn out process of tracing his collar bone and neck with my mouth. He moaned in response, his cock beginning to grow and press into me. 

Happy with my efforts so far, I decided it was show time and began to head south to his cock which was circumcised but curved to fucking perfection. It was time to suck his dick as if my life depended on it. I started off slow, teasing the tip with my tongue, before sliding his full length in and out of my mouth. Just as I’m getting into a rhythm, he resumes his position of dominance and begins to kiss my body hungrily. He flips me onto all fours, grabs a handful of my ass and eats me out until I collapse in an orgasm. We ended up fucking until 5am and then proceed to wake, bake and repeat into the hours of the early afternoon. I then decide it’s time for myself to head as I’ve got to grab a bus out of town and he has to get sorted to go tramping (told you he was wholesome). He kisses me goodbye and tells me we should catch up again when I’m back.

Fast track two days and I’ve just finished up a very very very short jog. I notice a painful lump in my upper right-groin, but decide that it’s just my body’s way of telling me to get fucked for making it go for a run. So I pop a few Voltaren and hop on the bus back to Dunners to resume my activities with Mr USA.

The next day it’s even bigger, fuck. I head to Student Health. The Dr informs me that I’ve got a Bartholins cyst (google it, lol) which is essentially an infection in the glands that get your juices flowing. Supposedly they’re pretty common when you’re run down and stressed but hey whatever. The Dr prescribes me some panadeine and antibiotics, and informs me that if it’s any worse in a few days then they’ll schedule me in to drain it.

By the blessing of modern medicine, the lump begins to get smaller and so I (horny, dumb cunt) proceed to keep fucking him which obviously added a fuck ton of bacteria to the area.

By the next day, the panadeine is doing fuck all and I’m beginning to get feverish so I dutifully admit myself to the hospital (hope you’re proud, mum). After a few rounds of student doctors staring at my vagina, the gyno informs me that I’ll need immediate surgery to drain the cyst as it has reached 5cm and the infection is beginning to spread around my body.

A few weeks later, I sat my exams, eased myself off tramadol (that shit slaps HARD), and mournfully declined an invitation from him to make his last night in New Zealand extra memorable.

This article first appeared in Issue 17, 2021.
Posted 6:46pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Critic.