Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022

Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022

With North D flats increasingly scarce, freshers have been circling the next best option for affordable student accommodation in the area — park benches in the Botans. 

Local landlord Michael Moneybags was seen conducting a viewing of his park benches one afternoon, with six eager groups of first-years following closely behind. “It’s really refreshing,” Michael said, “when you wake up, you’ll feel like you’re surrounded by nature. It’s got really nice outdoor-outdoor flow, and, of course, spacious, low-maintenance gardens.”

First-year student Jock told the Critical Tribune, “our group of boys have been applying for flats since Waitangi Day, and we haven’t had much luck. We were really struggling until my mate Carlos found out about this place.”

“You get plenty of personal space, which is really nice. It’s probably one of the warmest flats I’ve seen so far this year too. Plus, walking distance to Castle — and all for only $130 per week? What a deal!”

Meanwhile, Carlos was busy thinking of potential flat names: “Bench Warmers? Benched Boys? Ah, maybe the Green House — get it? Because, like, we like weed,” he said, to raucous peals of laughter. 

At press time, Michael was preparing to reject Jock’s application, saying he prefers tenants who are “tidier and lower maintenance,” before mouthing the word “females” multiple times and winking knowingly at the Critical Tribune’s reporter.

This article first appeared in Issue 23, 2021.
Posted 7:05pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune.