Jan 20 - Feb 18

It’s time for your annual breakdown. Make sure you schedule in extra self-care this week. Start using more post-it notes to organise your life. 

Workout to try: running 



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Do some fucking study for God’s sake. You’re going to be the star of flat cooking this week. 

Workout to try: yoga 



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Who hurt you? It was probably your parents. Go read some Freud.

Workout to try: kickboxing 



Apr 20 - May 20

Cynicism is exhausting. Try being positive, you may find you like it. 

Workout to try: a leisurely stroll 



May 21 - Jun 20

If there is one thing you need right now, it’s comfort. Indulge in some treats, you deserve it x

Workout to try: aqua jogging 



Jun 21 - July 22

Remember, what will be, will be. Don’t overthink, unless it’s about really important things. Then do overthink. 

Workout to try: aerobics 



July - Aug 22

Studylink is meant for rent, not gambling and drugs, remember that. This is the week you realise that your eyes are filming a movie being shown in a multiplex in heaven.

Workout to try: spin class



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Keep fulfilling your spiritual journey. Good vibes are being sent your way, but you can conjure up some more of them by using a vibrator. 

Workout to try: weight lifting 



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Try to make a decision for once in your life, scatterbrain. Be careful around houseplants.

Workout to try: biking 



Oct 23 - Nov 21

You’re gonna be fine. Just be prepared for angry emails on Monday and make sure to eat lunch. Change your laptop screensaver to those cool tropical fish.

Workout to try: push ups



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Just remember, it’s not that deep. The Marianas Trench, however, is that deep.

Workout to try: trampolining 



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Congrats. It takes a lot of effort being the bigger person. You’re going to take the high road and enjoy the view.

Workout to try: athletics 

This article first appeared in Issue 18, 2021.
Posted 2:18am Monday 9th August 2021 by Critic.