Archive
Horoscopes | Issue 05
Posted 11:46pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Be careful if Limeing this week. Your progesterone levels are critically low and you’re just so gumby right now. Mercury is in your money zone and that means it’s ok to ask your parents for a top up. There’s no reason to feel bad about it, everyone Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Look After Your Friends
Posted 10:09pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
1. Know their favourite food, where to get it and be able to get it ASAP, for if you sense they aren’t feeling all that happy. 2. Get to know their parents or a sibling, if possible. Even if you just meet them once. At uni, there is usually a divide between our friends and our family Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Romeo and Juliet
Posted 10:07pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Romeo I was pretty excited, to tell the truth. Why? I’ve never Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o5
Posted 10:04pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
I was going through a hoe phase at the start of last year, and I’m not ashamed of it. I was swiping up a storm on tinder, matching with cuties all day long. There was one particular boy that took my eye. I remember seeing him around a lot, and I was excited that I could finally talk to him. Read more...
Uber Eats Voucher Distributor Just Wants to See Family Again
Posted 9:33pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid Read more...
Velvet Drapes “Not A Waste Of OUSA’s Money”
Posted 9:32pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Hames Jeath, OUSA President, has long since claimed that 2019 is the year of “doing things” for students. Previous years have always been very apprehensive about spending any of their students’ money, meaning that this year’s exec has been left with a respectable war chest. Read more...
Pressing Remote Button Harder Brings Batteries Back to Life, Says Stupid Flatmate Breaking Your Remote
Posted 9:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
If this fails, Ryan’s future strategies are likely to include: taking the remote closer to the TV, taking the remote closer to the TV and pushing harder, taking the batteries out and switching them round, or in a worst case scenario, taking the batteries out and breathing on them for several Read more...
Broke Students Can Only Afford to Burn Half a Couch
Posted 9:30pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The party at the “Sik Lads” flat on Castle Street was already dying down at 1 a.m. when the Tribune arrived to review it. The crowd - once a sizable 150 people - had dwindled to only 30. Chazza, one of the hosts, said that when he heard a gaggle of second year girls calling their party Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 04
Posted 8:06pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
It’s another week of ODT Watch. You know what that means: This week the ODT perfectly captured my feelings about the ODT: Although the flourishing doesn’t seem to apply to their journalists’ bedrooms: Surely this could have been phrased Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Fall in Love With Your Flatmate
Posted 8:03pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
Your hands accidentally bump while doing the dishes one night. You laugh softly and flick a bubble of dishwashing liquid at them. At night, drifting off to sleep, your heart feels oddly clean and new, as if it, too, had been washed. Slowly, and then all at once. On Tinder you come across them Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o4
Posted 6:34pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
OK so I'm not much of a writer but I have been thinking about this for a very long time and I reckon the Critic readers might get a wee buzz out of it so here goes. Last year I was in Unicol and me and my friend's friend Matt* were out on the piss after a party. We were at Macs when we met Read more...
How to Be a Less Shit Cook : Miso Aubergine on Pearl Couscous
Posted 6:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Of the five different tastes the tongue can detect, umami is perhaps the hardest to describe or define. It is often called the meat taste or the savoury taste, but this is kinda hard to pin down. The only concrete definition is that umami is the taste of glutamates, such as MSG. I guess in the end Read more...
C.S. Brewis and George Pourwell's Guide to Little Fat Lamb
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by George Pourwell
Little Fat Lamb are still pretty fresh on the scene of getting scarfies loose, having only been around for about 3 years, but they sure have made a name for themselves. Here’s a rundown on each flavour and what they say about you. The Holy Trinity Ginger: Ginger is your Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Coach Carr and Trang Pak
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Coach Carr My first blind date. Where to begin, this was a first for me. Nerves Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | One Sad Fluffer
Posted 10:13pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
Back in 2015 my rabbit, Mr Fluffy, died, and I was grief-ravaged. I know that sounds like a joke, but I was a fresher living away from home for the first time, neck-deep in the shit creek that is HSFY, hadn’t made any friends in my hall, and my childhood pet had died. To top it off I Read more...
10 Ways to Die on a Lime
Posted 9:54pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
1. Ride down Castle St. in the rain and skid on a puddle, falling head first into a bin of shattered Speight’s bottles. Cause of death: party foul 2. Take too many selfies while riding and crash into the Leith Cause of death: vanity 3. Ride Read more...
Lecturer Makes Snide Comment About Student Attendance, Not Realising He’s Died and Become a Ghost
Posted 9:47pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Samuel Bronk?! I’ve never met this person. Are they even taking this paper?” said Classics lecturer Harold McHuckley, as he read out the roll of people supposed to be taking his 700-level paper CLAS767: The Foreskin in Classical Croatian Pottery. Unfortunately for Associate Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 03
Posted 6:46pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Every week before I open, with trembling hands, the hallowed pages of the ODT I say to myself, “Don’t get your hopes up, Bazza. There’s no way they can come up with a better pun than they did last week. Even genius stoops to mediocrity now and then”. But every week I dare to Read more...
Currency
Posted 6:12pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Bart English
If I had a dollar for every time someone Wanted my 2 cents, I’d be able to sell them for the price of a penny my thoughts. And once I’d have enough, I’d exchange all that spare change, sell that silver spoon I’ve been suckling on as Read more...
How to Be a Less Shit Cook | Tuesday Night n Day Deals
Posted 5:45pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver
One of the most important things to learn in martial arts is when not to use martial arts. The same applies to cooking. So this week I present: The Tuesday Night ‘n Day Deals Ranked From Best to Worst: 1. $2 Criss-Cross Chips For some reason potato Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Diesel
Posted 5:42pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Naming a beverage after a kind of petrol is a pretty questionable business decision. I get the vibe they were probably going for – “It’s like fuel, for your body!” but instead Diesel comes across as smelly and messy as its namesake. If I wanted body fuel I would go with an Up Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Issue 03
Posted 5:41pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz HER Okay so right off the bat if you’re here for a super juicy Read more...
“Let’s Go Out Tonight and Stand in the UBar Line!”
Posted 5:36pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Oh my gosh, do you know what the best idea in the world is? Let’s go get drunk and yell about what a bad time we’re having while we wait for hours in the cold and rain to be let into UBar!” said Hamish Glunder to his assembled friends, who all nodded enthusiastically. Read more...
Local Adrenaline Junkie Lets Fingers Get Dangerously Close to Carrot Grater
Posted 5:33pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Her blood banged in her ears louder than a lecturer testing their microphone, sweat flooded her pores, her mind was alive with the electric-quick rush of danger. Another grate, pushing her right to the edge, that delicious line between life and death. This is what she lives for. This is the Read more...
Dunedin’s Entire Allocation of Lime Scooters Already Submerged in Leith River
Posted 5:32pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
After the shock announcement that Lime scooters would return to Dunedin streets on Thursday morning, the Tribune arrived at the Leith in time to see two strange men standing outside a white Toyota Hiace with blacked out windows. One by one, they threw their cargo of Limes over the fence and into the Read more...
The Week the ODT Learned an Important Lesson About the Effectiveness of Coitus Interruptus
Posted 9:27pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Having barely got to grips with the internal combustion engine, perhaps it was a bit much to expect the ODT to seamlessly handle the transition into a more citrusy zeitgeist: Then again, I don’t read the ODT for their bleeding edge journalism. If I want Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions : Summer Spree
Posted 8:08pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic
You could say I’m a bit tame. With no outrageously raunchy O-Week tales from first or second year and not a lot of action throughout either, you could consider me an underdog in the game of love. I’m an independent woman who don’t need no man, a busy gal and I have better things to Read more...
How To Be A Less Shit Cook : Fennel and Beetroot Salad
Posted 8:05pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Gordon Oliver
It’s round one of flat cooking and you’re stepping up to the plate, literally. What are you gonna cook for your new flatmates? Your culinary reputation is at stake. How about some pasta with a tomato sauce? Congratulations, you’ve just made the culinary equivalent of a black and Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews : Rekorderlig Cider
Posted 8:02pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ah. Rekorderlig cider. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Thou art like a juicy medieval farm girl with overflowing cleavage and a father who is away at war. She may not have basic hygiene, but the sweat and sweet juices of the day’s labours Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Jordan Peterson and Jacinda Ardern
Posted 8:01pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Jordan Peterson I entered the crowded restaurant red faced, Read more...
Education Officer Does Not Value Own Education
Posted 7:57pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Scarfie Archivist
It’s three days into the semester and OUSA Education Officer Will Dreyer has already skipped a class. Dreyer ran on podcasting lectures, and was obviously confident that his policy was already in place. Little did he know that his 500 level paper consisting of 12 people did not, in Read more...
Student Unsure How Old University Is
Posted 7:56pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Dunedin student Jernice McManus was left in a veil of ignorance today after trying to remember how old the University of Otago is. “I feel like it’s been around for a while. Who knows, it might even be an anniversary or something. I wish I could go to an event celebrating the long and Read more...
Campus Christians Are Throwing Bees at You, Watch Out!
Posted 7:53pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Duck! Cover your face and arms with cloth! Jump in the nearest body of water and breath through a small reed! You just walked past the Campus Christians and they threw bees at you! Not just one bee, they threw a whole hive, a whole swarm, a whole species of bee! The bees are chasing you, zipping Read more...
Fresher Exerts Social Capital by Wearing High School Leavers Jersey Around the Hall
Posted 7:52pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“How else will people know what my nickname is?” questioned Jared, as he headed over to the dining hall. Paired nicely with a tattered super-pass wristband, Jared knew he was being the biggest skuxx in his Auckland Grammar leavers jersey. Much to Jared’s confusion, two Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Get in Your Lecturer’s Good Books
Posted 7:49pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic
1. Argue with them at every opportunity to show that you are a critical thinker and have moxy. 2. Straight up have an affair with them. 3. Claim to be a relative of their immediate higher-up and demand respect for it. 4. Lurk after class and talk to them all the way back to their Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions: Issue 01
Posted 9:59pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I went to Melbourne over the uni break, to get some chill sunny time and serious partying with my cousin Sarah*, because I worked my ass off last year, Read more...
How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Samosas
Posted 8:48pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Now that the pack of Mi Goreng you bought at the start of O-Week has run out it’s time to think about other meal options. Samosas are a surprisingly affordable option, using cheap ingredients and adding flavour with spices. They make a great dinner, lunch, snack, breakfast or anytime food. Read more...
Critic Blind Date: Here for O-Week, Here for an O
Posted 8:39pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Critic
Here for O-Week I’m doing heath sci this year so I knew that this was going to be my only week off before I had to knuckle down. I also knew that this was probably the only week I had a real shot at getting laid. The castle street parties were cool but I didn’t know how to get from Read more...
Critic Booze Review: Bombay Sapphire
Posted 8:09pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
When you think of racist old white people, you tend to think of gin. Bombay Sapphire is basically plucked out of Queen Victoria’s wet dream. Wes Anderson would fuck this and call it art. Gin and tonics were invented for a reason: gin is fucking terrible on its own. The first sip was Read more...
Rheineck Lager Is A Goddamn Scam
Posted 3:18pm Thursday 1st November 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Here's the thing about Rheineck: Every week I stroll past the beer section and see an enticing $14.99 for a 12 pack. ‘Gee, what a great deal’ I think to myself. I’m ashamed to admit the number of times I’ve picked up a box and taken it home, only to realise my Read more...
Famous Grouse Is Pure Fucking Gasoline
Posted 3:15pm Thursday 1st November 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Famous Grouse fucking hurts. It burns with the fury of a thousand young Nats after Winston went with the red team. It’s a vile liquid that could only come from the sort of country that takes pride in eating haggis, playing the bagpipes and throwing big fuck off logs as far as Read more...
Woodstock Is the Biggest Bitch Drink in New Zealand
Posted 11:30am Wednesday 10th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Woodstock a sickly sweet syrupy concoction with a harsh aftertaste that I swear can’t be real bourbon. There’s almost as much sugar in a 12 pack of Woodstock 5% as in four litres of Talleys Ice Cream. There’s more sugar per can in these than in Vodka Cruisers, meaning Woodstock Read more...
People Who Willingly Drink Bavaria 8.6 Are Psychopaths
Posted 11:19am Wednesday 10th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
The Bavaria 8.6er is beer flavoured paint stripper in a convenient 440ml can. I'm 86% sure I once saw Bear Grylls use this to start a fire on Man vs Wild. The fiery lick of this "beer" hurts more than the idea of a left wing government hurts Mike Hoskings feelings. I’d rather Read more...
New Zealand Lager Is the Most Influential Beer in This Nation’s History
Posted 10:47pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
New Zealand Lager is a triumph. Brewing in this country has a long and rocky history, with a lot of bad beers and a lot of good beers. But none has been greater than this delectable drop. Fun Fact: the country ‘New Zealand’ actually derives its name from New Zealand Lager, because it is Read more...
The Week the ODT Tried to Make Old People Feel Better About Dying
Posted 8:27pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Welcome to the last ODT Watch of the year. To start this week, apparently a local fish and chip shop has been amassing weapons of mass destruction. Tsk. You can never tell with some culinary establishments. One day they’re saying they love you and the next Read more...
All The Time We Scooped the ODT This Year
Posted 6:51pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Critic: 26 February – Re:Fuel Rebrands as Ubar ODT: 28 March - Business as usual for University Bar Critic: 5 March – University Cracks Down on Initiations ODT: 7 March – Students Excluded Over Urine and Booze-soaked Initiation Critic: 5 March Read more...
Lunchtime Quickie
Posted 6:32pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Buckle in, because this is a gamechanger. I’m about to teach you how to make food that looks like store-bought mini-savouries but way, way cheaper for your broke ass. This recipe can be changed depending on what you have on hand, the only ingredients you absolutely need are eggs and Read more...
Love is Blind | JFK and Marilyn
Posted 4:37pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. That's it for the year! If you want to give the Critic Blind Date a shot, we'll be accepting applications again from February 2019. JFK I Read more...
Dear Aunt Zo and Uncle Jim, what are the top ten pieces of advice, in the whole world?
Posted 3:03pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis
Ranked, in order: Always make sure a glass of wine is available Drive a large vehicle and then you can see more Fun and failure start the same way Advice is much harder to make up if you don’t have it pre-prepared The best way to keep your clothes white is by using warm wash, Read more...
The Week We Were Too Busy to Read the ODT
Posted 12:10am Friday 28th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This week ODT is a little bit different. In celebration of our ODT issue, and because we were too busy gossiping about OUSA to actually read the newspaper, ODT Watch presents our favourite excerpts from the last two years. To start there was that time that the ODT forgot what the word Read more...
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