Archive

The Week the ODT Learned an Important Lesson About the Effectiveness of Coitus Interruptus

Posted 9:27pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Having barely got to grips with the internal combustion engine, perhaps it was a bit much to expect the ODT to seamlessly handle the transition into a more citrusy zeitgeist:      Then again, I don’t read the ODT for their bleeding edge journalism. If I want Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions : Summer Spree

Posted 8:08pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic

You could say I’m a bit tame. With no outrageously raunchy O-Week tales from first or second year and not a lot of action throughout either, you could consider me an underdog in the game of love. I’m an independent woman who don’t need no man, a busy gal and I have better things to Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook : Fennel and Beetroot Salad

Posted 8:05pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Gordon Oliver

It’s round one of flat cooking and you’re stepping up to the plate, literally. What are you gonna cook for your new flatmates? Your culinary reputation is at stake. How about some pasta with a tomato sauce? Congratulations, you’ve just made the culinary equivalent of a black and Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews : Rekorderlig Cider

Posted 8:02pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ah. Rekorderlig cider. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Thou art like a juicy medieval farm girl with overflowing cleavage and a father who is away at war. She may not have basic hygiene, but the sweat and sweet juices of the day’s labours Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Jordan Peterson and Jacinda Ardern

Posted 8:01pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Jordan Peterson I entered the crowded restaurant red faced, Read more...

Education Officer Does Not Value Own Education

Posted 7:57pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Scarfie Archivist

It’s three days into the semester and OUSA Education Officer Will Dreyer has already skipped a class.  Dreyer ran on podcasting lectures, and was obviously confident that his policy was already in place. Little did he know that his 500 level paper consisting of 12 people did not, in Read more...

Student Unsure How Old University Is

Posted 7:56pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Dunedin student Jernice McManus was left in a veil of ignorance today after trying to remember how old the University of Otago is. “I feel like it’s been around for a while. Who knows, it might even be an anniversary or something. I wish I could go to an event celebrating the long and Read more...

Campus Christians Are Throwing Bees at You, Watch Out!

Posted 7:53pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Duck! Cover your face and arms with cloth! Jump in the nearest body of water and breath through a small reed! You just walked past the Campus Christians and they threw bees at you! Not just one bee, they threw a whole hive, a whole swarm, a whole species of bee! The bees are chasing you, zipping Read more...

Fresher Exerts Social Capital by Wearing High School Leavers Jersey Around the Hall

Posted 7:52pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“How else will people know what my nickname is?” questioned Jared, as he headed over to the dining hall. Paired nicely with a tattered super-pass wristband, Jared knew he was being the biggest skuxx in his Auckland Grammar leavers jersey.  Much to Jared’s confusion, two Read more...

Top 10 Ways to Get in Your Lecturer’s Good Books

Posted 7:49pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic

1. Argue with them at every opportunity to show that you are a critical thinker and have moxy. 2. Straight up have an affair with them.  3. Claim to be a relative of their immediate higher-up and demand respect for it. 4. Lurk after class and talk to them all the way back to their Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions: Issue 01

Posted 9:59pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I went to Melbourne over the uni break, to get some chill sunny time and serious partying with my cousin Sarah*, because I worked my ass off last year, Read more...

How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Samosas

Posted 8:48pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Gordon Oliver

Now that the pack of Mi Goreng you bought at the start of O-Week has run out it’s time to think about other meal options. Samosas are a surprisingly affordable option, using cheap ingredients and adding flavour with spices. They make a great dinner, lunch, snack, breakfast or anytime food. Read more...

Critic Blind Date: Here for O-Week, Here for an O

Posted 8:39pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Critic

Here for O-Week I’m doing heath sci this year so I knew that this was going to be my only week off before I had to knuckle down. I also knew that this was probably the only week I had a real shot at getting laid. The castle street parties were cool but I didn’t know how to get from Read more...

Critic Booze Review: Bombay Sapphire

Posted 8:09pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

When you think of racist old white people, you tend to think of gin. Bombay Sapphire is basically plucked out of Queen Victoria’s wet dream. Wes Anderson would fuck this and call it art.  Gin and tonics were invented for a reason: gin is fucking terrible on its own. The first sip was Read more...

Rheineck Lager Is A Goddamn Scam

Posted 3:18pm Thursday 1st November 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Here's the thing about Rheineck: Every week I stroll past the beer section and see an enticing $14.99 for a 12 pack. ‘Gee, what a great deal’ I think to myself. I’m ashamed to admit the number of times I’ve picked up a box and taken it home, only to realise my Read more...

Famous Grouse Is Pure Fucking Gasoline

Posted 3:15pm Thursday 1st November 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Famous Grouse fucking hurts. It burns with the fury of a thousand young Nats after Winston went with the red team.  It’s a vile liquid that could only come from the sort of country that takes pride in eating haggis, playing the bagpipes and throwing big fuck off logs as far as Read more...

Woodstock Is the Biggest Bitch Drink in New Zealand

Posted 11:30am Wednesday 10th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Woodstock a sickly sweet syrupy concoction with a harsh aftertaste that I swear can’t be real bourbon. There’s almost as much sugar in a 12 pack of Woodstock 5% as in four litres of Talleys Ice Cream. There’s more sugar per can in these than in Vodka Cruisers, meaning Woodstock Read more...

People Who Willingly Drink Bavaria 8.6 Are Psychopaths

Posted 11:19am Wednesday 10th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

The Bavaria 8.6er is beer flavoured paint stripper in a convenient 440ml can. I'm 86% sure I once saw Bear Grylls use this to start a fire on Man vs Wild. The fiery lick of this "beer" hurts more than the idea of a left wing government hurts Mike Hoskings feelings. I’d rather Read more...

New Zealand Lager Is the Most Influential Beer in This Nation’s History

Posted 10:47pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

New Zealand Lager is a triumph. Brewing in this country has a long and rocky history, with a lot of bad beers and a lot of good beers. But none has been greater than this delectable drop. Fun Fact: the country ‘New Zealand’ actually derives its name from New Zealand Lager, because it is Read more...

The Week the ODT Tried to Make Old People Feel Better About Dying

Posted 8:27pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Welcome to the last ODT Watch of the year. To start this week, apparently a local fish and chip shop has been amassing weapons of mass destruction.       Tsk. You can never tell with some culinary establishments. One day they’re saying they love you and the next Read more...

All The Time We Scooped the ODT This Year

Posted 6:51pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

Critic: 26 February – Re:Fuel Rebrands as Ubar ODT: 28 March - Business as usual for University Bar    Critic: 5 March – University Cracks Down on Initiations ODT: 7 March – Students Excluded Over Urine and Booze-soaked Initiation   Critic: 5 March Read more...

Lunchtime Quickie

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Buckle in, because this is a gamechanger. I’m about to teach you how to make food that looks like store-bought mini-savouries but way, way cheaper for your broke ass.  This recipe can be changed depending on what you have on hand, the only ingredients you absolutely need are eggs and Read more...

Love is Blind | JFK and Marilyn

Posted 4:37pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. That's it for the year! If you want to give the Critic Blind Date a shot, we'll be accepting applications again from February 2019.     JFK I Read more...

Dear Aunt Zo and Uncle Jim, what are the top ten pieces of advice, in the whole world?

Posted 3:03pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis

Ranked, in order: Always make sure a glass of wine is available Drive a large vehicle and then you can see more Fun and failure start the same way Advice is much harder to make up if you don’t have it pre-prepared The best way to keep your clothes white is by using warm wash, Read more...

The Week We Were Too Busy to Read the ODT

Posted 12:10am Friday 28th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week ODT is a little bit different. In celebration of our ODT issue, and because we were too busy gossiping about OUSA to actually read the newspaper, ODT Watch presents our favourite excerpts from the last two years.   To start there was that time that the ODT forgot what the word Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream: Click

Posted 5:41pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting a bit emotional. This is my last Adam Sandler review for the year, and what a journey we have been on. After 18 films, a discourse analysis on brand identity, and one terrible comedy album, I still question why I set myself up to do this.  I Read more...

White Rhino is the Best New Drink of 2018

Posted 5:38pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

White Rhino, just like white people, is absolutely all over North Dunedin these days.  These tins, with the simplest graphic design imaginable, and an even simpler recipe, have taken the student quarter by storm. Nothing has got the people of North D this enraptured since, well, last week Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do You Make Bad Food Good Food?

Posted 5:37pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Tihei mauri ora, Bad food is food that you’ve left in the fridge after you cooked up an extravagant meal three months ago using useless ingredients like crème fraîche that you’ve only used a tablespoon of, which you haven’t touched since.  Bad food is food Read more...

LET’S GET SOME FUCKIN FRENCH TOAST

Posted 5:17pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

French toast is the goods as a breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner/sex accessory, and let’s be honest – if you fry something in butter then drown it in maple syrup, then a) you’re probably American, and b) it’s gonna taste meeeean. Here’s a way to do French toast that is Read more...

Love is Blind | Jeff Goldblum and Ellie Sattler

Posted 5:14pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Jeff Goldblum With great penis comes great Read more...

The Week the ODT’s Opinion Section Really Outdid Itself

Posted 8:23pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week, the ODT are reporting on a truly marvellous occurrence.      Because of their bad behaviour, Santa normally just skips Balclutha, Milton, and Gore, stops briefly in Invercargill to give Tim Shadbolt his present, and then goes on to Stewart Island, Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups 2

Posted 6:44pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

We’re coming to the end of our time here reviewing Adam Sandler films, so I decided to save the best few till last. I’ve had a lot of requests for this particular film, as it is often noted to be one of the peaks of Sandler’s filmography. This film is 104 minutes of pure bliss. Read more...

Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine Is Genuinely Going To Kill Someone

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine is genuinely going to kill someone. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but someone’s gonna fucking die. It’s absurdly cheap, at $8.99 for a bottle with 6.9 standards – pretty much as good as you can get in the world of Read more...

Love is Blind | Campus and Watch

Posted 6:38pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Campus The bartender told me that if I fucked this up he Read more...

Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Kell, How Do I Stop Procrastinating?

Posted 6:31pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Procrastination is spending time doing what you’d rather be doing. To make your procrastination more efficient, ensure you properly plan your procrastination (this is called procrasti-planning).  Procrastination is inevitable so why not make it healthy? E.g. Procrasta-run, or if you Read more...

The Week the ODT Yet Again Chose to Give a Racist a Platform

Posted 4:03pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

If you’ve ever wondered how we manage to write ODT Watch, let the ODT itself explain,     This week the ODT have tightened up on giving absolutely any clues as to an article’s contents in the headline.     [insert joke here; I’ve given Read more...

How to Make the Strongest Edibles Possible

Posted 1:59pm Friday 14th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Before actually making edibles, you have to decarboxylate, or ‘activate’ your weed by heating it; this transforms the non-psychoactive THC-A into psychoactive THC. When activating your weed you’ve got to be careful to heat it up enough so it properly activates, but also be careful Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Bedtime Stories

Posted 1:57pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl.  Adam Sandler every week makes Read more...

Even The People Who Make Ranfurly Draught Don't Like Ranfurly Draught

Posted 4:04pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Ranfurly Draught is an absolute nothing beer. It’s uninspired, lazy, and boring. It has no distinctive flavour or aroma. Even the people who make it don’t like it.  It’s a New Zealand draught-style lager, which means it’s brown and has no hops. It’s one of a Read more...

Love is Blind | Kylie and Kyle

Posted 4:02pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Kylie As the designated third wheel for my sister and her Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, are drugs kosher, and what does kosher even mean?

Posted 4:00pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Well, we are so glad you asked. Kosher is a Hebrew word and it means “fit” for eating. Are drugs fit for eating? Maybe, if you really wanted to you could chew some ibuprofen but it probably tastes super yuck. Ultimately, kosher drugs is a question of drug administration, and pharmacists Read more...

The Week the ODT Were Very Mean to Invercargill

Posted 10:48pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week the ODT are rating themselves rather highly.      Both false. The ODT is both unusual and extraordinarily uninteresting.  To be fair, perhaps we shouldn’t be too harsh on the ODT, after all, they’re not as young as they used to Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Blended

Posted 9:49pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Hey guys, remember me? That girl with the poor time management that decided it would be funny to review every single Adam Sandler film? Honestly, this column is wrecking me. Who would’ve thought watching three hours of mindless nonsense could truly crush someone’s soul like this? But Read more...

Lion Red Is New Zealand’s Most Generic Beer

Posted 9:46pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

As a man of the South, I had never even seen Lion Red for sale before, so when I was supplied a box to taste test, my tribalism naturally wanted me to hate it. I was ready to yell about JAFAs and traffic and everything else that’s wrong with Auckland, like a good hillbilly should. But as I Read more...

Love is Blind | Laura and James

Posted 9:45pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz     Laura:  I was three Smirnoffs down by the time I Read more...

Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Dave, How Do I Talk to the Ghosts in My Flat?

Posted 9:40pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis

We’re reluctant to offer advice here, mostly because Mammy Zo still gets nightmares, and Aunt Dave still wets the bed from time to time - so talking about ghosts makes us SAD. Another reason is that no one really knows if they exist, and can you give advice on something that doesn’t Read more...

The Week the ODT Tried to Write Pornography

Posted 12:00am Friday 31st August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week the ODT is dropping shocking truth bombs.     There goes everything I know. I always assumed that replicating authentic Asian cuisine and the mystical arts were one and the same, like a dumbass. I also enjoy that the ODT put ‘isn’t magic’ Read more...

Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do I Get a Summer Job?

Posted 8:02pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

There are two options: 1. Don’t  1.a. Don’t and go on the DOLE 2. Do Everyone wants a summer job so you have to apply for all of them. Before you apply for summer jobs you gotta figure out if you want to work the holiday days (Xmas and New Years) or if you want to Read more...

Pesto and Broccoli Pasta

Posted 7:51pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef

Are you shit at cooking? Are you a piece of shit that hasn’t eaten a vegetable since Re-O? Do you like just making a massive feed that you can munch on cold throughout the week because you hate doing things? Then boy, do I have the feed for you.  1. Start by sautéing onions in Read more...

Shot Buckets Are the Worst Deal Imaginable

Posted 7:36pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Holy fuck I made a huge mistake. I lay myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness. I have sinned. I have completely disregarded the holy rule of Dollars Per Standard.  I was kinda fucked up by the time I made my way to the liquor store, so naturally my purchasing choices were very stupid Read more...