Archive

Kiwi Lager

Posted 2:46pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Chug Norris

In an attempt to reintroduce another salt of the earth NZ brew, DB have re-released Kiwi Lagers. Kiwi Lagers are so incredibly average and so unjustifiably expensive that the only people drinking this will be the 40-year-olds that drank this beer when they still had hopes and dreams of doing Read more...

Skuxx Food | Hoisin Tofu and Vermicelli Noodle Salad

Posted 2:45pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

A recipe for the vegans and veggies out there – if you don’t like tofu, simply swap out for a meat of your choice.  Serves 4 Ingredients:  100 grams vermicelli noodles  2 carrots, shredded  1 cucumber, thinly sliced ¼ red cabbage, thinly Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:42pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, it is my pleasure to say that we have an image supplied Shar. This means it is finally in the magazine, which means we’ve finally gotten it. We got last issue’s submission correct: Daniel was at Mr Tuck Kee’s Curry Puff stand, in Pudu, Kuala Lumpur.  First Read more...

OUSA Student Executive Creates New Crypto Bro Position on Executive

Posted 2:12pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

OUSA Finance and Strategy Officer Emily has been crunching the numbers on how to survive the next fiscal year, and came to the conclusion that they are in trouble. In order to combat this, she is introducing the Crypto Executive Position, which starts in two weeks. The new position is already being Read more...

“Free Thinker” Millennial Wonders Who Really Built the Pyramid Scheme She Joined

Posted 2:11pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

“Look, I don’t want the liberal PC media woke brigade to cancel me,” said Ms A. Von to Critic Tribune, “but if you take a closer look at the culture behind, y’know, pyramid schemes, something doesn’t add up,” she concluded, with all the authority of someone Read more...

Conspiracy Theory Pinboards Behind Newfound Love of Fibre Art

Posted 2:10pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Local man Hugh Anon, a voracious Facebook disinformer, has discovered a use for pins and yarn that doesn’t involve being homophobic or antisemitic. “It all started last year when lockdown took away my free speech,” Hugh told the Tribune, “so I took to social media to speak Read more...

Predator Free Dunedin didn’t catch a Single Paedophile Last Year

Posted 2:09pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by The Critical Tribune

The whole concept of one-trap-fits-all for paedophiles hasn’t been super effective. Despite PFD’s best efforts, not a single sexual predator was caught by their automated traps, presumably because the traps are rat-sized. A local predator said, “The council is generalising us which Read more...

Editorial Conspiratorial: How I Caused 9/11

Posted 1:29pm Sunday 1st May 2022 by Fox Meyer

When I was two, we lived in Florida. Yeah, I know, woe is me. My parents, as you can tell from my mum’s choice of footwear, were total hippies. And in 2000, they were big fans of Ralph Nader, the American Green Party candidate for president.  I don’t know how much you know about Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Tree roots? More like tree roots, ha!

Posted 3:01pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic

There’s a big willow tree on the corner of Anzac and Hanover, sorta by the train station. I’ve had sex in it. It’s the third tree I’ve had sex in but it was certainly the best. I’d been seeing this girl for a while, going to parties together and usually ended up Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 8

Posted 3:00pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Start living by ACC: always choosing content.  DIY activity: home grown weed.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If there is one thing you need, it’s a break. Stop putting so much time and emotional labour into things that no longer serve Read more...

KGB ‘Tropical’

Posted 2:55pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Chug Norris

Have you become sick and tired of drinking the same toxic lolly water that you’ve been drinking for the past year? Is your current drink not giving you type II diabetes quickly enough? Are you ready to branch out and try something new? Well, buddy, you’re in luck! KGB have just released Read more...

Skuxx Food | Butternut Hummus

Posted 2:54pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Have recent food prices been getting you down? Have you recently realised that your fav hummus, which you can easily demolish in a sitting, has now hit $5 on New World’s shelves? Here’s how to make a very skuxx homemade hummus that will give you way more bang for your Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:52pm Sunday 24th April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Daniel. We got last week’s submission correct, thanks to some errant paint: Itsukushima Shrine, Hiroshima, Japan.  First Thoughts: Looks like Indonesia, based on the street carts and brands, but could also definitely be Malaysia. Will be tough to Read more...

Editorial: What’s so Good about Good Friday?

Posted 12:24am Saturday 23rd April 2022 by Fox Meyer

Good Friday is the most confusing day of the year. First of all, there’s the name: if I was murdered, resurrected, and then deified, and I came back 2,000 years later to see people celebrating my sacrifice, I’d be stoked. I’d be like “Oh that’s mean, so glad Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Started from the bottom, now we still there

Posted 1:17pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic

It was a beautiful Saturday evening in an unspecified location outside of Dunedin. I have been sinking a few too many drinks when all of a sudden I have to get up to yak. Here’s the thing about me… every time I yak I piss myself. So, here I am, yak successful but now I have stained my Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 7

Posted 1:16pm Sunday 10th April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is for everybody going through tough times, believe me, been there done that, but everyday above ground is a great day, remember that.  Task to do: wash your sheets.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 The bigger they are, the harder they fall. This Read more...

19 Crimes Pinot Noir

Posted 2:37pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Thomas Delaney

From the brand that brought you the Snoop Dogg merlot, 19 Crimes is back with a penal-themed pinot noir that is more sinkable than the ships that carried their criminal crew to Australia. Coming in at about $20, 19 Crimes hits a solid ratio of about a dollar per crime. Not too shabby, and for a red Read more...

Skuxx Food | Italian (or Greek, or NYC) style meatballs:

Posted 2:34pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Here’s how to make some really awesome yet simple meatballs. You can add them to any meal you like. I recommend a tomato-based pasta or, as pictured here, a Greek-style couscous salad. If you’re proper ceebs, chuck them in a bread roll and call it a NYC meatball sub. With these bad boys, Read more...

Mr. Worldwide

Posted 2:31pm Saturday 9th April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

This week, we have an image supplied by Elliot. We got last week’s submission correct, though it nearly killed us: Shimla, India, from the parking lot of Christ Church. First thoughts: Definitely looks Japanese. I wonder if this is Himeji Castle. We’ll see. Not Himeji Castle, so Read more...

GHOTI

Posted 1:23am Saturday 9th April 2022 by Fox Meyer

If you’re trying to learn English, good fuckin’ luck, because “GHOTI” is pronounced “fish” (touGH, wOmen, acTIon).  English is a bizarre and wonderful language, and I am so, so glad that I was born into it rather than having to learn it as an adult. Of all Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 6

Posted 6:57pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to fill your life with more wholesome hobbies to ward off the feelings of depression and loneliness. Try going to the farmers market, or knitting, or writing a book about how fucked everything is.  Dunedin sight to see: Cargill’s Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | See you later, phallus-gater. In a while, Crocs-odile

Posted 6:53pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Critic

I hadn’t had a root since the world’s greatest heartbreak hit me a year earlier. I was ready. It was my time of the month, I was wearing my lucky dress and my favourite Crocs. My way of flirting with everyone and anyone was to insist that after every nang, you smooch the person next to Read more...

Snoop Dog

Posted 6:50pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

In this column, we’ll be using the internet to try to figure out exactly where people took their random photos. This week, we have an image provided by Kirsty. We got last week’s entry correct, the photo from Mr. Abel was indeed taken from the cafe at Griffith Observatory in Los Read more...

Hardy’s 1L (all of it, it’s all the same)

Posted 6:45pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Chug Norris

Hardy’s is perhaps the most widely consumed wine in Dunedin. Not a BYO goes by where a bottle does not appear. The iconic one litre bottle towers over the laughably dainty 750 mL bottles on the table. But Hardy’s is also special in another respect: it is utterly shit. It is a symbol of Read more...

Skuxx Food | Rocket Pesto

Posted 6:41pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

This is my go-to pesto recipe as it makes HEAPS and is cheaper than making a traditional homemade pesto (which is made from fresh basil and pine nuts). Top tip: add this to some cooked pasta and your flatties will go wild. Check out @skuxxfood on Instagram for some pesto-pasta inspo.  Makes Read more...

Call Me By Your (Latin/Indigenous/English) Name

Posted 5:37pm Friday 1st April 2022 by Fox Meyer

Human brains are not designed to sit at a desk and memorise content for hours on end, they’re built to remember stories. When we stop thinking in terms of stories, we’re setting ourselves up for failure. This is especially poignant in the grown-up sciences, which have traditionally felt Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Bloody Hell

Posted 6:24pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Critic

Now, I’ve got a lot of issues, and chronic sinus problems is one of them. Usually, in my day-to-day life, my chronic sinus pain and blockage doesn’t bother me apart from the odd sniffle or headache. But in my sex life, well, that’s a different story.  Let me set the scene. Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 5

Posted 6:22pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 You need sleep, tequila, and the ability to learn what quiet hours are.  Breakfast to have: Greek yoghurt bowl.    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Pisces women are like Taylor Swift. Every time a man wrongs you, you just get hotter and more famous. Read more...

Fizzliss Cranberry & Apple Vodka

Posted 6:17pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Chug Norris

I was going to review Fizzliss’ new Pineapple and Passionfruit flavour but it had sold out in every store in Dunedin, so it must be good. Instead I acquired the formerly infamous Cranberry flavour to see if it still maintained its laxative properties. It did not. But it does taste way Read more...

Skuxx Food | Spicy Chorizo Pasta

Posted 6:15pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Use this recipe as a base for any tomato ragù-based pasta dish! Simply swap out the chorizo and mushrooms for any other meat and vegetables of your choice. Get creative, stay skuxx.  Serves 6  Ingredients:  600 grams of short pasta (I used rigatoni, but penne or Read more...

Snoop Dog

Posted 6:10pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Mr. Worldwide

In this column, we’ll be using the internet to try to figure out exactly where people took their random photos. This week, we had an image supplied by a Mr. Abel. Let’s see if we can figure out exactly where it was taken. First Thoughts: Alright, I think this is somewhere in the US or Read more...

Cheeky Cheater Cheats Cheap Cheaters

Posted 5:37pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Sometimes failure can lead people to their true calling, as recently discovered by an entrepreneur who lost her passion for first year Health Sci after one failed progress test. Now pursuing a Business degree, Critic became aware of Annie after several tearful complaints from Auckland HSFY students Read more...

Discussion-Dominating Student Dismisses Claims of Disruption

Posted 5:36pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Critic Te Arohi had a chat with Danny, a third year student who, according to the Geography department, takes up 60% of discussion time in tutorials.  “I mean, I don’t really do the readings but I just kinda catch the vibe,” he told Critic through hoons that he blew in our Read more...

Bush-bound Bandit Bamboozled by Bureaucracy

Posted 5:35pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Jamie O’Mannin, 31, was recently arrested after spending the last 12 years living on the West Coast, subsisting off of freeze-dried meals stolen from trampers spending the night in DoC huts. He had overstayed his visa by 11 years. Jamie was arrested last week, when he was caught in Mt. Read more...

Beezies Bewildered by Bad Beverage Breakouts

Posted 5:34pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Local girls have recently been shocked to discover that their ultra-healthy, sugar-free RTDs have horrible side effects. Critic Te Arohi spoke to Samantha who bemoaned, “I can’t believe it. My collagen boosting drink with notes of aloe vera and angel piss gave me a pimple the next Read more...

Satellites are Scary

Posted 5:05pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

The United States has this plane called the Dragon Lady. The U-2, like the band. It’s a spyplane, originally from the Cold War era. There’s a camera on the bottom of this thing, a big glass ball that sticks out. From the stratosphere, it can tell if you’re holding a can of Coke or Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | A Cocktower Confession

Posted 3:19pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Critic

Once upon a time, in a place not too far away, your girl did something a lil’ bit nasty on Uni grounds. I had been going to some university events which I shall not name, in the sake of protecting my identity and, well, my ego. While I was there, I met a pretty cute boy whom I shall call Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 4

Posted 3:14pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Sup baby, take me out to dinner.  Drug to try: The humble weed brownie.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Not everything is a metaphor. Stop reading into every single miniscule detail of your life. It’s just not that fucking deep.  Drug to Read more...

Booze Reviews | Jameson Irish Whiskey

Posted 3:07pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Chug Norris

This St Paddy’s day I was on a diet, so I bought a bottle of Jameson whiskey instead of beer. Instead of standing around in near darkness and hating our lives, a group of us decided to go for an expedition to the reservoir for a change in scenery. I did not want to be lugging around a glass Read more...

Skuxx Food | Chicken burgers

Posted 3:05pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Chicken burgers with grilled pineapple, avo and caramelised onions It took a lengthy discussion between myself and 5 of my flatmates to work out how to explain what butterflying a chicken breast actually entails. I hope you learn something from those 10 minutes we’ll never get Read more...

GUEST EDITORIAL: Concerta Tales

Posted 1:14pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Mary Jane

I wake up. The radio station in my head is already blaring. Too many glockies. Too many fucking glockieeees! This song has been in my head for the last 36 hours.  Oh shit, I’m hungover. I’m anxious. The podcasters who run my internal monologue are arguing again. You’ve got Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | How I Caught an S-T-Daddy

Posted 1:42pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Critic

After spending 4 months in one of New Zealand’s shittest small towns, sleeping in a single bed, and spending all my time with my parents and the one friend I still talk to from high school, I was horny and ready to get back out into Dunedin.  It was my first night back and I was alone Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 3

Posted 1:38pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, why be so hard on yourself? Life is far too short to continue to criticise yourself. Be young, be free.  End of iso activity: exposing your deepest and darkest secrets to people whilst drunk.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I get it, you Read more...

Booze Reviews | Carlsberg Elephant Extra Strong

Posted 1:33pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Chug Norris

Picture this: your fuck-up of a flatmate got Covid so now you have to isolate with two people you can barely stand for at least 10 days with no chance of distraction or escape. What do you do? How do you get along with flatmates that you hate? The answer, I found, was to drink 10.5% Elephant Read more...

Skuxx Food | Fish Tacos with Crunchy Asian Slaw

Posted 1:27pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

This is the ideal student meal if you’re using frozen fish, but also one to blow your flatmates away with a boujee fresh fish option. Choose your fighter.  Enough for six people to have two tacos each Ingredients For tacos:  6-8 frozen crumbed fish fillets; or 6-8 fresh Read more...

We Need to Re-Think Toilets

Posted 4:54pm Saturday 12th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

The porcelain throne, like any monarchy, is outdated. It’s an invention that was brought into the mainstream in a time of unprecedented wealth and prosperity. It was a groundbreaking innovation, one that brought sanitation into the homes of millions. But we can do better. Every time you Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Hungry like the Wolf

Posted 5:31pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Critic

So this one’s a bit of a doozy. I was coming out of a long relationship and looking to get back out there. I had this sort of mutual friend, and I could tell for a while that there were some definite vibes kicking off between us, so one night, on the couch I was squatting on, we got down to Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 2

Posted 5:28pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Keep developing that character and nicotine addiction, bestie!  Iso activity: becoming TikTok famous   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Sure, being funny is cool and all but so is addressing your deep rooted trauma. Maybe it’s time to check in with Read more...

Booze Reviews | Ranfurly Draught

Posted 5:20pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Chug Norris

Long ago, in a simpler time, a time of carefree binge drinking uninterrupted by lockdowns, there existed the greatest beers ever to be brewed: Southern Golds. They were a humble beverage, with a quiet but confident air that reassured you as you grasped their beautiful golden exterior that, in the Read more...

Skuxx Deluxe | Chinese-inspired Chicken Noodle Soup

Posted 5:11pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

If you’re like half of North Dunedin, you may have been hit by the big C this past week. Whether that is Covid or Chlamydia, this Chinese-inspired chicken noodle soup is sure to bring you back to full health in no time.    Serves 6-8 hungry people! (Probably with leftovers to Read more...

EDITORIAL: This was never a peaceful protest

Posted 1:06pm Sunday 6th March 2022 by Fox Meyer

Helluva week, huh? We’ve got a war, we’ve got a scary new climate report, and we’ve got the shitstorm that blew through parliament grounds on Wednesday. This whole issue of Critic has a bit of a calamitous fog hanging over it, which you can probably tell from the cover. I guess Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Not into that shit

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Critic

I believe I have had the shittiest attempt at a hookup ever.  To set the scene: I’d just freshly moved out of my mum’s house into my first flat. My flatmates are both out so I decide fuck it, time to hop on Grindr, what’s the worst that could happen? So I message this guy Read more...

Skuxx Deluxe | Green Mac and Cheese

Posted 4:12pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Rosie Joyce @skuxxfood

Green Mac and Cheese This rendition of your classic mac ‘n cheese is perfect for post-O Week, when your hangover isn't budging but your body is begging for some nutrients. It's effectively like you’re 5-years-old again and your mum is disguising your vegetables under a pile of Read more...

Booze Reviews | Tui 7.2% Strong Lager

Posted 4:06pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Chug Norris

Tui has done it again. Earlier, with their standard lager, the brewery perfectly captured the taste of a minor fuck-up, a small leak in the life-boat, a failure to look both ways at a railway crossing, a sneaky look down the barrel of a firework to see why it isn’t working.  But now, Read more...

Horoscopes: Week 1

Posted 4:04pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 You’ve done a lot of personal growth over the summer, and renegotiated a lot of relationships. Remember to not beat yourself up about the past.  New Year's resolution: setting personal boundaries and not falling back into toxic Read more...

Emergency Summit Fails To Avert Fresher-Second Year War

Posted 3:09pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

A fragile peace between first- and second-years has collapsed amidst accusations of aggression on both sides. Relations between the two groups frayed after mass movements of freshers were detected around the traditionally second-year strongholds of Castle Street and Forth Street. Concerns about Read more...

Shopping trolley stocks plummet as students hit north D

Posted 3:08pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune

Supermarkets across the city are reporting shortages of shopping trolleys, as students move into town and claim the sterling vessels as their own. “It’s madness”, said one New World employee. “Yesterday, I saw a woman back her RAV-4 all the way up to the building’s door Read more...

EDITORIAL: If we had student bars, I bet there’d be less news about party breaches

Posted 2:27pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by Fox Meyer

There is no student bar this year. That’s a first for Dunedin, as far as I can tell.  See, student bars are like whales. In the mid 1800’s, Pākehā settlers set up shop on the peninsula and hunted migrant whales by the boatload until they learned to avoid Dunedin. By the Read more...

OPINION: It's Looking Pretty Grim for Dunedin Students

Posted 1:46pm Saturday 26th February 2022 by Elliot Weir

I hate to add more doom and gloom to your day, but at the moment, it’s looking pretty grim for Dunedin students. If you’re reading this then you’re probably one of those students, and I don’t need to tell you. You’ve got emails, tiktoks, and an itchy feeling in the back Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 3:47pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Fuck your exams. Send it away, have a drink or 26. Don’t listen to logic or reason. You’re a party rocker and you’re in the house tonight. Summer activity: going on a three month bender   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Have courage in what Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | A Sinking Feeling

Posted 3:40pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Critic

Out Of Reach The knock at the door got me jumping off the bed in seconds. I ran down the stairs, excited to see her. My eyes lit up as I saw her. My new vibrator was just as I had imagined, a petite wee thing, exactly like her profile. I escorted her upstairs to my room. Things escalated quickly Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 3:34pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Sticking your head out of the car window with your mouth open. It’s NOT safe and I do not do it but it’s bloody brilliant #maincharacter Justifying massive and expensive Shein hauls just because you’re vegan (we all make mistakes ok). Even the most northern of Read more...

Rare Covid Strain Emerges In North D: Brovid-19

Posted 3:30pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following an emergency 1pm presser this afternoon, the nation has been alerted to the emergence of a dangerous new strain of Covid. The outbreak is centered on Dunedin North, according to Minister of Finance and assistant Prime Minister Grant “Red Robbo” Robertson who told the Read more...

Booze Reviews | El Jimador Blaco

Posted 3:24pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Abraham Drinkin'

I bought my bottle of El Jimador Blaco on a Thursday afternoon, dreading the prospect of consuming the sheer volume of a full box of beers. While perusing the RTD section of Leith Liquor, inspiration struck me like a bolt of lightning: spirits were the answer to my problem. Pleased with my Read more...

EDITORIAL: Peace out

Posted 8:41am Sunday 10th October 2021 by Erin Gourley

Welcome to the last issue. I’m writing this on the final print night of Critic Te Arohi for 2021. We’ve made 26 issues of this magazine for you over the year. That means that I get to be nostalgic in this editorial. At the start of the year, 26 issues seemed like a lot. A lot of Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 12:39am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Alice Taylor

Chocolate Biscuit Fudge It’s getting to the time of the year when the finances are looking extremely scant, and the stress levels are high because of exams. This biscuit fudge recipe is perfect because it won’t break the bank. I find that fudge tends to be one of the best remedies for Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Serving our country

Posted 12:38am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Critic

With daylight savings creeping up, it’s time for me to reminisce on what I was doing this time last year. My lovely friend (we’ll call her Sophie) and I had decided to head to Christchurch, with hopes of pulling a pair of guys. After trying to shotgun a few too many drinks beforehand, Read more...

Waka Kotahi to Permanently Concrete over Bat Holes During George St Upgrade

Posted 12:36am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Contractors for Waka Kotahi (NZTA) have announced plans to concrete over bat roosts during the recently announced George St one-way upgrade. The announcement follows the revelation by RNZ that builder's foam was being used to fill in potential bat roosts on the route of the proposed Mt Read more...

Pens Get Ready to Run Out Mid-Exam

Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A group of pens sitting in the bottom of Connor Jackson’s bag have revealed their dastardly plan to run out precisely in the middle of his LAWS101 exam. The hopeful first-year law student has no idea what his pens are scheming up for him. “I’ve been saving up for this moment all Read more...

Student Watches Cooking Video and Actually Cooks the Recipe

Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

After spending most of his life aimlessly scrolling through cooking videos for entertainment, a student has made the leap to actually cooking a recipe from a video that he watched.  In an interview with the Critical Tribune the student, who wished to remain anonymous, disclosed that upon Read more...

Texting Scam Offers Free Booze, Catches 90% Of Student Population

Posted 12:33am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Students across Dunedin were caught up in a sophisticated scam over the past week which exploited their core weakness: the ingrained need to get on the piss. The scam involved a text being sent to students prompting them to open a suspicious link. It promised a free box of booze if they download Read more...

Booze Reviews | Nitro XXX Vodka Guarana Liqueur

Posted 12:31am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Chug Norris

Nitro has always been at the forefront of binge-drinking innovation, but this time they have gone too far. Nitro Vodka Guarana Liqueur hits the shelves this week, and it is dangerous. The drink comes in a 500mL spirit bottle, contains large quantities of caffeine and guarana, and is 30% ABV. It Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 12:28am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Everyone knows it’s you who cheats on the pub quiz, fucking stop it. To numb the pain, try: a durry and a black coffee   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’m afraid to say you have girlbossed too close to the sun, your girlboss wings are melting, Read more...

EDITORIAL: Presenting Critic’s Plan for George Street

Posted 3:09pm Friday 1st October 2021 by Erin Gourley

The DCC made a plan for George Street and boomers had a fit about it. We want to present Critic’s plan, which should be implemented immediately to ensure maximum voter engagement at the next Local Body Elections. George Street will be renamed Geroge Street. There are trams, which are Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Girl Next Door

Posted 4:00pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Critic

Me and Jade had been neighbours for as long as I can remember. Growing up in the hinterlands of the south, we had gone to school in Gore together. Even as we got into the saddle of puberty, I had never really seen her as a potential romantic filly — I was in a stable relationship, and besides, Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 3:58pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Alice Taylor

  September marks the month when I become unhealthily and prematurely excited about Christmas and start baking large volumes of this gingerbread. I think that a lot of people are deterred from making cakes or desserts because often several components need to be made, and chilled, etc. This Read more...

Fifth Year Makes Ground-Breaking Discovery: The Botans

Posted 3:56pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Cedar, a fifth year breather, decided to start walking to the supermarket during lockdown, because he really had “nothing better to do”. To his sheer amazement, he discovered what he reckons is “one of the most beautiful scenes to gaze upon” and is nearly as good as Read more...

Medical Student Concedes She is Not a Doctor

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a shocking revelation, medical student Lily has admitted that she is “not a doctor”. Lily’s friend Sam was playing a game of pick up at Logan park. He twisted his ankle, and the crowd turned to well-known second year med student Lily for help. She refused. “I’m Read more...

Stella Artois

Posted 3:50pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Abraham Drinkin'

Do you believe that taxation is literally theft? Do you find yourself retching in disgust as you walk past commoners drinking boxes of Flame? Does Maggie Thatcher’s steely gaze awaken something deep within? Stella Artois is perfect for showing your lower class friends you aren’t out Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 3:46pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Instead of pre-planning New Years, focus on those end of year exams and assignments. One day at a time as they say. Political ideology to research: shit-posting left wing content on social media   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 All panic, no Read more...

EDITORIAL: We need oversight of how Aotearoa’s universities handle sexual harassment

Posted 2:22pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by Erin Gourley

This week in news, Stop Sexual Harassment on Campus Aotearoa (SSHOC) are calling for the creation of a new organisation to monitor how universities respond to sexual misconduct on campus. That’s a great idea that needs to be implemented. Universities across the country have failed their Read more...

Desperate Freshers Signing Botans Park Benches For 2022

Posted 7:05pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

With North D flats increasingly scarce, freshers have been circling the next best option for affordable student accommodation in the area — park benches in the Botans.  Local landlord Michael Moneybags was seen conducting a viewing of his park benches one afternoon, with six eager Read more...

Students Forced To Clean In The Leith Amidst Bathroom “Upgrades”

Posted 7:04pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Peaceful spring mornings on University campus have been disrupted by hordes of students descending upon the Leith to cleanse in lieu of their own scummy bathrooms. With flat viewing season rapidly kicking into gear, landlords are once again doing the bare minimum to make their hovels hospitable, Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 7:02pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your mental stability might scare you at the moment. But it’s okay, you can’t be unhinged forever. It’s all part of the character development. Beverage of the week: cheap bottle of sav   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Romanticise every Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 6:58pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Level 2, house parties are where it’s at!! But pls theme your house parties for a more fun and interesting time. Masks, it’s so much easier to make eyes at people now because it’s the only part of their face you can see. Making yourself the main character. I am in Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | No Ragrets

Posted 6:57pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Critic

When the Critic asked us to spill our most scandalous sexcapades I didn’t know where to start. I still don’t. So many stories. Do I start with the three-way in a sauna which ended with more than sweat dripping down my body? Or the twelve-man orgy in which I could only make out the Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 6:55pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Alice Taylor

No-Yeast Pesto Scrolls I created this recipe when I had the dark realisation that I was averaging about five scrolls per week, which really does make a dent on the bank account. These are so easy to make and the recipe doesn’t involve any yeast. You can also change up the flavour to what Read more...

Corona Extra

Posted 3:48pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Chug Norris

The first time I ever had a beer, it was a Corona. My dad handed it to me, looked me dead in the eyes and said: “This is a Corona boy. Don’t take your Coronas to a party, son, leave them at home for pre’s.” All my life I heeded his words. Every time I bought Coronas, I Read more...

EDITORIAL: Pour one out for Catherine Mills, “habitual drunkard” and original owner of Starters

Posted 1:32pm Monday 20th September 2021 by Erin Gourley

We’re all mourning the death of Starters. No more afternoon pints in the courtyard, no more underrated cheeseburgers in the dingy light, no more ordering too many beer towers, no more being grossed out by the bathrooms that never quite stopped smelling of vomit. But the bar wasn’t only a Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | That Time I Straight Up Had Sex In A Zoo

Posted 4:22pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Critic

Okay straight up I had sex in a zoo, multiple times. I’m here to confess my sins of my wrongdoings to all of the animals that bore witness to these sexy times. Anyway, my boyfriend at the time came to visit me in my home city and we went to the zoo, as you do when you're showing someone Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 4:21pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Alice Taylor

Chocolate Self Saucing Pudding This is my most baked pudding of 2021. On several occasions when I have been at a loss for what to cook for dinner, I have made and eaten half of this pudding and called it a day. When you make this recipe, it will feel wrong, as pouring boiling water on top of cake Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 4:16pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Nanaia Mahuta (Foreign Affairs Minister) having a moko kauae — yes queen I’m so glad she reps NZ. Justifying your post lockdown slutty behaviour by reminding yourself what Chris Hipkins said. That fact that I dropped out before lockdown started, I do not need another year Read more...

Nissan Leaf Blissfully Unaware That It Will Be A Breatha’s Car in 20 Years

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A Japanese Nissan Leaf is sitting in a Yokohama showroom, apparently happily unaware of the abuse it will face at the hands of an Otago student in 20 years time. The electric car, decked out in Magnetic Red, was born at Nissan’s Oppama Factory last month; far too young to even comprehend Read more...

Return to Level 2 Celebrated By Exploited Hospo Workers

Posted 4:13pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

A return to Alert Level 2 is being welcomed by Dunedin’s exploited hospitality workers, who say they are looking forward to being overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated yet again.  Local bartender Timothy told the Critical Tribune: “It was real weird sitting at home. Like, I Read more...

Booze Reviews | Grolsch Premium Pilsner

Posted 4:11pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by 6Pac

Grolsch is the beer that nobody asked for and nobody drinks. Just the name fills you with disgust and a little bit of fear. Despite the tastefully ribbed green bottle for his and her pleasure, the tiny printed label around its neck makes Grolsch almost invisible to the naked eye when literally any Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 4:08pm Sunday 12th September 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Despite the news of level 2, chances are you’re not going to break those lockdown habits. Keep ignoring those lectures and day drinking. YOLO swag. Self care tip: indulge in some bougie RTDs   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 The next few weeks are Read more...

GUEST EDITORIAL | Nau mai ngā hua o Mahuru Māori

Posted 12:50am Saturday 11th September 2021 by Karamea Pēwhairangi

Mauri ora ki a tātau katoa.  Nau mai haere mai ki tēnei perehitanga mo Te Arohi! Kaore he kore e mōhiotia whānuitia koutou ko te kaupapa mo tēnei wiki, ko te reo Māori. Ko ōna pikinga, me ōna hekenga i roto i ngā tau kua hōri. Hei kupu Read more...

Crossword (Issue 21)

Posted 12:44pm Monday 6th September 2021 by Ciara White

Scroll down for the crossword from our current issue.    Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Part 2: A Big Night

Posted 3:59pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Critic

This experience came right on the back of a great one nighter, a wonderful night with such a hulk of man. Totally destroyed my ass and I loved it. We arranged to meet at his (we'll call him Dave), and planned out a little study meeting with some fun and maybe even a friend after. The sheer Read more...

Lecturer Busily Planning Extra Work For Locked-Down Students

Posted 3:54pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune

While most people are stuck at home with their schedules interrupted, one Uni lecturer is not letting lockdown stop his plans for the year. If anything, he’s planning to make it busier than ever before, with a flood of new assignments, projects and unit tests. Physiology lecturer Dr Mas Read more...