Horoscopes: Week 4

Horoscopes: Week 4


Jan 20 - Feb 18

While it’s in your nature to be blunt and direct, sometimes this can come off as a little mean. It’s important to remember how you speak to people. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes others actually do have feelings.

Location to visit: St Clair Beach. 



Feb 19 - Mar 20

There is no need to psychologically analyze literally every single person you meet. Remember: life isn’t always that deep, everything is made up, and yolo swag. It’s time to ease up on the over-thinking.

Location to visit: Huzur Kebab. 


Mar 21 - Apr 19

Already feeling tension in the flat? Surprise, surprise! Could it perhaps be you? Try doing your dishes this week, just to be sure. Also pay special attention to seagulls this week. They are trying to tell you something.

Location to visit: Your mum’s house.



Apr 20 - May 20

Next time you’re at New World, try picking up some empathy and emotional intelligence. Sometimes you can be the biggest douchebag without even realizing, and it’s time to address that.

Location to visit: A gender studies class. 



May 21 - Jun 20

As fun-loving and goofy as you are, it’s important to remember that actions have consequences. Think things through before making any rash decisions. This week, try to do something that isn’t ‘for the meme.’

Location to visit: Cumberland College. 



Jun 21 - July 22

Chances are you've been feeling a little misunderstood recently. It’s okay, not everyone deserves your love and affection. Fuck those cold-hearted losers who don’t want to be constantly mothered by you. Keep on smothering!!!

Location to visit: Mount Cargill. 



July - Aug 22

This week, be careful who you trust. Some of your friends may really be foes. Don’t let them fool you! Also, indulge in some craft beer.

Location to visit: Emerson’s.  




Aug 23 - Sep 22

Perhaps now is the time to invest in Sims or a Tamagotchi. It’ll be an effective form of soothing your control issues. Dictate the digital beings, not the human ones!

Location to visit: Burns 1 Lecture Theatre. 




Sep 23 - Oct 22

Libra, it’s time to get out there! You’ve had a few weeks in hermit mode, and it’s now time for you to start living your best life again. Go on some dates, drink some tequila, and remind yourself of how cool you are. Live laugh Libra!

Location to visit: Dive. 



Oct 23 - Nov 21

This week, try fucking someone in an obscure place. You need to lighten up a little. Personally, I’d suggest the law library or Castle 2 lecture theaters.

Location to visit: Peaches and Cream.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

You know your beloved and important opinion? Yeah, no one actually asked. Resist the urge to tell everyone your damn business this week. Those around you will be eternally grateful.

Location to visit: A therapist's office. 



Dec 22 - Jan 19

It’s time to get an STD check. Something tells me there’s something spooky-ooky going on with y’all at the moment. Don’t keep spreading an unwanted seed.

Location to visit: Student Health. 

This article first appeared in Issue 4, 2023.
Posted 3:05pm Sunday 19th March 2023 by Critic.