Booze Review | Pure Blonde tastes like giving up

Booze Review | Pure Blonde tastes like giving up

Pure Blonde Ultra Low Carb Lager is the type of beer that you drink when you are tired of life. When the joy that you used to receive from simple things like a cold beer has faded into the monotony of the semi-alcoholism of suburban BBQ culture. 

But there is also something deeper. You buy a box of Pure Blonde because you are afraid. Afraid that the joy you receive from a better beer might remind you of a time when you actually cared about things and enjoyed yourself. Afraid that drinking anything other than flavourless trash like Pure Blond will shatter the fragile illusion of your dull life. Afraid that drinking something good will make you want for something more, something that you don’t have the courage to take.

Maybe you hate yourself for all the things that you haven’t done. The boredom of drinking Pure Blonde is a perfect match for the endless replays of missed opportunities that loop over and over in your head. ‘Why didn’t I travel overseas? Why didn’t I commit to that relationship?’ you think as you sip at a Pure Blonde, the thin and bland liquid not making a dent in your melancholy. 

But the BBQ calls and as you tend to the sausages, steak and chicken kebabs, your tears fall and season the food a little extra. As you eat, someone compliments you on the food, keen to know your secret. ‘Sadness,’ you say. Everyone around the table laughs. You laugh with them. Then you grab yourself another Pure Blonde.

Tasting notes: watery, odourless, cardboard.
Froth level: lower than a BA’s career prospects.
Tastes like: sadness, a mid-life crisis.
Overall rating: 3/10 you don’t deserve to end up like this.

This article first appeared in Issue 25, 2022.
Posted 5:17pm Sunday 2nd October 2022 by Chug Norris.