Booze Review: Part Time Rangers

Booze Review: Part Time Rangers

Noah’s Ark in an Aluminium Can.

Part Time Rangers provide aid to at-risk animals worldwide, donating 10% from every can to various charities. They are yet to help out the orangutan addicted to heroin in my basement.


The gimmick is that each box has a nice animal on it, and depending on the box you buy, you will be providing aid to said animal. Enjoy the moral terror of being forced to choose between Peach Penguins, Pink Rhinos, Yellow and Black Elephants, or Purple Goannas. Regardless of your choice some animal is getting shafted, and it’s probably going to be you. There used to be more drinks in the range, so I guess the Great White Shark must have gone extinct recently.


Since these drinks are saving the world, there’s no need for them to taste good. Across their entire range, PTR’s taste like TV static held in close proximity to a fruit. At $2.50 per standard, I can’t justify drinking these for anything other than the faux superiority I gain over my peers.


You can sip away like the armchair activist you are, puffing on a disposable vape, while masturbating to YouTube videos “debunking” Jaws. I will continue to get shit-faced off of homemade G&T’s, AND I’ll produce an eighth of the waste.


Question: how do these groups of animals feel by profiting off of my inevitable alcohol-related death? Do they laugh at the irony of self-abuse in honour of endangered species, or do they weep at how detached humanity has become from their environment?


Either way, I can at least find solace in my bloated death knowing I contributed, like, $5 to save some penguin. Call me Steve Irwin.


Tasting notes: Shark-fin soup with a side of braised ivory.

Chugability: 4/10, get it overwith fast.

Hangover depression level: No hangover, they’re basically water. Depressed for the animals.

Overall: 4/10, these things have more morals than I do.

This article first appeared in Issue 4, 2023.
Posted 2:23pm Sunday 19th March 2023 by Albert Einsteinlager.