Booze Review | Bavaria Dark 8.6ers are an atrocious drink, but at least they’re not a rip off

Booze Review | Bavaria Dark 8.6ers are an atrocious drink, but at least they’re not a rip off

Some of the best things in life are free, but some of the worst things in life come in at 0.95 dollars per standard. It must be said: massive respect to Bavaria for being one of the few drinks other than goon that can consistently deliver golden ratio prices, but it has to be asked: is the misery Dark 8.6ers inflict justified by their price? And the answer is yes, because they are so fucking cheap.

Bavaria consistently provides some of the most affordable beer available in NZ. But in their quest for affordability they have always walked the line between affordable, drinkable alcohol, and cheap, toxic sludge. 

Unfortunately, Bav 8.6ers are well on the toxic sludge end of the spectrum. If you consume an entire four pack, something bad is guaranteed to happen to you, those in your immediate vicinity, and potentially your entire family. 

The Bav Dark cans themselves are a massive warning sign. The wolf on the can represents not only the self-destructive spirit which inspired you to purchase this filth but also the raging hangover which you will soon experience. As you make it to your second can, you will feel that same wolf tearing up your insides and forcing you to vomit in the nearest greenery that you can find.

The burnt flavour which permeates the drink is a subtle nod to the fires of hell, which happens to be the place where the drinks were designed and brewed. Unlike most other drinks which were brewed to be slightly enjoyable, Dark 8.6ers were instead created to be consumed at the lowest point in your life and to prolong your suffering for as long as possible.

However, disregard all of this, because you can buy a four-pack of Bavaria Special Dark 8.6 cans for 12 dollars. Each can is 500 mL. This means that Bavaria 8.6ers have a dollars per standard ratio of 0.88, which is a genuine miracle. How they have managed to pull this off is a mystery, but God does work in mysterious ways.
If you are buying Dark 8.6ers to have a good time, you have been seriously misled. If you are drinking them to cry in a corner as they cause serious damage to your physical and mental health, then you are right on the money. But, despite their undeniable foulness, it is difficult to be too hard on Dark 8.6ers. They have achieved the golden ratio, and in a world where everything costs more than it should, that is still something to believe in.

Tasting notes: golden syrup, burnt rice.
Froth level: crying to get through the day.
Tastes like: poverty, pain.
Overall rating: 5/10 you can’t beat the price.

This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2022.
Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th August 2022 by Chug Norris.