Initially launched as a wartime ration distributed to the ANZACs, Haägen Strong has found its way to being a staple across the diets of many New Zealanders. Trying to find a can of this stuff while it’s on special at the supermarket is difficult, as its primary consumers are swift and will have all cans cleared out before midday. As people get more and more burned out, you can’t walk down the street without passing someone with one of these in their hands.
I was entirely prepared to shit all over Haägen Strong due to my sordid past with its weaker counterpart, but I was wrong. To test the stronger variant, we picked up 72 bottles of Haägen for cheap. We didn’t know the bottles were plastic nor that they had been left in the sun until expiry. We had essentially bought ourselves a trough of liquified mouldy bread. And while any reasonable person would realise the potential hangover looming in front of them, to us 18-year-olds it was an opportunity to indulge in degeneracy.
The sun had fucked the flavour of these beers into complete damnation. To sip was not an option, the only viable method of alcohol-to-blood delivery was via funnel. Mouth clasped to funnel, we fed each other beer after beer, as if we were trying to make human foie gras. Did it cause a violent hangover? Yes. Did it do its job extremely quickly? Also yes. It is safe to say that I haven’t touched Haägen since. But it’s also safe to say that Haägen Strong is like Type II fun: horrible when it's happening but excellent to remember - if you can remember it at all.
Haägen isn’t the monster I once knew. Considering its price point of > $4 a can, and the 7.2% alcohol content, Haägen Strong has every reason to be utterly terrible – but it’s not. The flavour is mediocre with little to actually note, a perfectly palatable beverage that closely resembles beer. High percentage, low cost and actually drinkable; it’s doing a better job than anyone actually asked of it.
This is a wanderer’s beer. A cheap buzz that is stocked literally everywhere. Take it to the park, beach, or bus station, for whenever the thirst may call. It’s affordable and strong, and also a sign of a rising alcoholism crisis, but who am I to judge? It’s not the hero we deserve, but it’s the hero we need right now.
Tasting notes: So average it listens to RHCP.
Chugability: 9/10, get the funnel.
Hangover depression level: 8/10, lobotomy would be preferred and would deliver similar effects.
Overall: 6/10, at least it’s not Baltika 9.