The RTDs are coming for you and your loved ones

The RTDs are coming for you and your loved ones

Absolut Lime and Soda beats the record for the most generic RTD ever produced, but it is not alone. RTDs are multiplying at an alarming rate. Wine and beer now cower in the corners of liquor store fridges as piles of multi-coloured boxes with generic names like Grins, Larry, Dave, and Brins spread like a plague. 

Absolut LS is the perfect example of the danger we now face. A 10 pack of 330 mL cans with 5% ABV costs $30. This puts Absolut LS at a mortifying 2.3 dollars per standard drink. At that price it might be worth it to cut out the middleman and just buy a whole bottle of Absolut vodka instead. 

And speaking of cutting things out, someone evidently forgot to include the whole “flavour” aspect because there is nothing unique about this drink AT all. It may be highly drinkable, but it is difficult to describe the taste without saying “it tastes similar to other drink, I guess”. It tastes like a Park Lane if it was 2% ABV weaker. It tastes like an African Elephant if it was not painfully acidic. 

It really makes you wonder if these drinks are being made at all or if they are somehow… breeding. Perhaps it is no coincidence that Absolut LS tastes like a mixture of Parklane and African Elephant. Maybe it is, in fact, the offspring of the two drinks. 

Could it be that the RTD companies became so obsessed with developing the perfect drink that they started playing God? Could it be that in their vanity they have created RTDs capable of reproducing with one another? It is impossible to confirm, but what we do know is that the number of RTDs is getting out of control and the existence of Absolut Lime and Soda may signal the beginning of the end. It is the singularity. Run.

Super Liquor Cumby has had to open a new section just to prevent themselves being overrun by the hordes of new RTDs flooding their premises. If current trends hold, Critic analysts calculate that in five years there will be more varieties of RTDs than there are people in New Zealand. 

Infrastructure and emergency services will be paralysed as endless boxes of RTDs spill into the streets. Children and the elderly will be the first to go, maimed, as aluminium cans begin to rain from the sky. Then cities will be destroyed in a flood of generic flavours. Finally, the world will be claimed in a storm of technicoloured, minimal-design beverages. 

The RTD apocalypse is nigh. Save yourself, before it’s too late.

Tasting notes: the chemical bath they use to develop old photographs, Sprite.
Froth level: a Biblical flood.
Tastes like: every RTD you have ever had and ever will have.
Overall rating: 5/10 RTDmageddon.

This article first appeared in Issue 23, 2022.
Posted 8:54pm Sunday 18th September 2022 by Chug Norris.