As a Jaf-ugee, Crate Day always leaves me in a bit of a conundrum. On the one hand, I can try and claim Speights as my crate of origin, but I know deep in my heart I’m no Southern man. On the other hand, Lion Red is fucking disgusting. However, this year, I was saved the agonizing choice by my failure to secure a crate before 11:30 on the Holy Day itself. Having raced around almost all of the liqour stores in town, I was left with a choice that was no choice at all: Waikato Draught or Lion Red.
Walking up the driveway to our spot for the day, I eyed the gleaming green bottles that clanked with every step, my head still ringing like a bell from the “quiet beers” I’d gone out for the night before. I was met with jeers as I walked into Crate Day late and, as penance, I had my first quart bottle poured into a watering can which had been “washed” with two beers before mine. By the looks of it, that was the only wash it had ever had. Grimacing and bracing for the worst, I put the nozzle to my lips, but instead of being met with the taste of filth, I was met with a beverage with less flavour than the water that comes out my flat’s tap.
If anything, that was to be the most interesting sip of the day, in that it tasted of nothing at all. Now, I cannot say I’m a stranger to beer tasting like water, but never have I experienced this while still being fit to drive. As such, I must give Waikato some praise: if you are looking to simply delete, and do so in volume, there is scarcely a beer that would do you better. It would be a lie to say that on Crate Day, with the Rock blasting, the sun beating down on you and the boys getting increasingly marginal, I didn’t see the appeal.
But, for better or worse, this holy day only arrives once a year. Outside of these very specific circumstances, the case for zero flavour is not a strong one. When one envisages the typical “Waikato-till-I-Diekato” connoisseur, you imagine a man built like a brick shithouse and tough as 12 inch nails. However, these people are not hard at all. Waikato Draught has to be the closest thing to water that you can legally sell as beer. Waikato Draught is a beer in the same way Chug Norris’ booze reviews were based on a true story.
If this was served under any other name, the stuff would be out of production in a week and the Central Plateau bogans would dance on its grave. I understand the need for local pride up in Waikato (God knows they have little else), but surely even they can do better than this Bud Light knock-off. I never thought I would say this, but I actually feel a bit of sympathy for the Waikato people: if you have to tough it out in the Tron you deserve something better than this diluted embarrassment of a regional beer.
Do better.
Tasting Notes: N/A.
Pairs well with: Watering can sediment, 90s grunge.
Froth Level: Being served Just Juice Bubbles instead of Champagne.
Overall: 1/365.