Thanks to Margret Thatcher (#girlboss) and a few other legends, we all get to live in the wonderful world of industrial capitalism. They also call it neoliberalism, which is like Neopets but for money. It’s very slay and cute.
We get to use this thing called “the market” that works like a crystal ball. It guides humans through our existence and is sort of the financial equivalent of letting Jesus take the wheel, and it has never, ever been wrong. Ever. Even with that sesame thing. Didn’t hear about it? Basically, the U.S. listed sesame as an official allergen, and if food companies couldn’t promise that it wasn’t present, they’d have to list a warning label. Food companies figured that since those seeds are so darn tiny, it’s impossible to guarantee that they wouldn’t cross-contaminate. The solution? Just put sesame in everything! Now it’s an ingredient, not a warning label. Problem solved! This isn’t environmental but it’s a great example of how fool proof the market is, and how it always has everyone’s best interests in mind.
Recently, though, this system has been getting criticised by poor people, which presents two problems: firstly, that someone taught poor people to read, probably through something stupid like public education. Second, that their concerns are often about the environment, which means we have to address those problems or risk looking like we’re ignoring them. But here’s the thing: neoliberalism is actually great for the environment.
See, under neoliberalism, we can finally get rid of the myth that humans are responsible for climate change. It's not our fault; it’s the market’s fault. So let’s just clear that up right away. The market has steered us towards extracting natural resources, and we must trust the market! Did the market tell you to go into massive debt to research something as pointless as climate science? No. You did that. And this is why we can’t trust poor people’s decision making to run the world.
Even though things are getting a little dicey in the old ecosphere, there’s never been a better time to start a new business. Look on the bright side: “smogless air” and “microplastic-free food” are about to become hot commodities, so bottling these up to sell is guaranteed to lift millions of people out of poverty. Put a price tag on the things that really matter, like clean water. Make the system work for you.
And while poor people whinge about “sustainability”, they neglect to acknowledge that neoliberalism is actually the only way we can achieve 100% sustainability. If we just let the market take control, corporations will be forced to set competitive environmental targets and report their progress. When it comes to global health, there’s nobody we can trust more than big business. And we know we can trust them because they’re already paying the world’s politicians, so if they can trust them, we can too.
And hey, even if the poors think that it's big business’ fault for polluting a few oceans here and there, this argument still holds! If it’s their fault that a few forests burned down, shouldn’t we also make it their responsibility to plant them back? While we’re at it, shouldn’t it be their responsibility to fix all of this? Uh, duh! Neoliberalism is all about being accountable for your actions, so let the market encourage these companies to do the right thing. Get rid of those pesky governmental regulations and just have faith.
Neoliberalism has gotten us this far. You’d be a coward to back out of it now.