This week, we take you back in time to a prehistoric land. When reptiles ruled, Pint Night pints cost $5, and the first-year was fees free. You know something's been around forever when you get a nod of approval from some bloke's dad while carrying two boxes home. That’s heritage.
Before even tucking into the box of Purple Goanna – or as everyone fondly calls them, Purple G’s – morale was high. Grog Robertson got so excited he dyed his dinner purple (“honestly, no regrets”). There’s something about that deep, radioactive colour that feels unnatural in a way only Cruisers can match. It looks like it should stain your insides permanently. We’re sad to report it did not.
Tasting notes
First impressions? Crack the cap and you’re hit with a wave of nostalgia – Year 9 boys’ change rooms, minus the Lynx Africa. There’s a definite note of a BO-adjacent aroma we can taste in our well-trained palettes. Not offensively bad, just… intimate. Not quite the kinda thing you expect to be experiencing with your flatmates on a Friday night. Honestly, in reflection, maybe the smell was like pheromones – getting us extra horny to get the Purple G’s down our throats.
Taste-wise, it lands a lot better than the smell suggests. If you’re a fan of the lolly waters (as your dad would call ‘em), you’ll have no complaints. Sweet, punchy, and easy to get down the guzzle. There’s no complexity or layering here – just pure, sugary chaos taking your hand and leading you down the path of a night spent in the Octagon.
At 4.8%, it’s not exactly a heavy hitter, but it’s not pretending to be. You’re here for a good night, not a quick one with these bad boys.
Value and Experience
At $32 a box, and only available from one liquor store in all of Dunedin (shout out Cumberland St Bottle-O and the super friendly bro behind the counter), the scarcity makes it reserved only for special occasions.
Think of it less like your daily driver, more like taking a supercar for a spin. They're fun, a bit ridiculous, and best enjoyed as part of a theme – these went particularly well with our Red Card set up. The caffeine helped stretch the night out too, which felt like a blessing during the function (however, we did all head to bed shaking). Unsure if that was from the cold, the caffeine, or both.
Morning-after damage was surprisingly minimal. Speight Shepherd reckons it ran through him quicker than an Aquinas butter chicken. Disclaimer: none of us have ever been to Aquinas, know anyone from Aquinas, or would even consider it. Don’t get confused and think we went to Aquinas for even a second. That shit would be so embarrassing.
Most memorable moment
Mate visiting from Aussie throwing up out the window. He has since confirmed he will not be exporting a box home. Weak prick.
Swig60 Verdict
Purple G’s are loud, colourful, and lowkey just a fucking joke. They smell questionable, taste great, and would probably kill a kid whose parents didn't let them consume Red 40 and shit like that. It’s not refined, nor subtle, and it is definitely not an all-nighter solution – but it's fun. And sometimes that’s all you need for a frosty night in Dunners when there’s better shit to do than sit around and study.
Pairs well with getting your own lizard out.
As always,
Drink responsibly. Or at least tactically.
