Booze Review | Budweiser is Unpatriotic

Booze Review | Budweiser is Unpatriotic

Every country in the world has a national beer. Australia has VB, New Zealand has, for some fucking reason, Tui, and Budweiser is known first and foremost as the national beer of the trainwreck of a country that calls itself the United States. But something seems wrong about Budweiser representing the US: it is too understated. You would expect their flagship beer to be called something more inspiring like “Freedom Juice” or “Right to Beer Arms.” Defending the world from terrorists (well, only the Islamic ones) is thirsty work that should be rewarded with an epic, liberal-owning beer, with a similarly yeehaw name and brand.

Fortunately, Budweiser is incredibly drinkable. It is largely flavourless, slightly too sweet (they have probably added corn syrup) and with just the right amount of fizz. But as a ‘Murican beer it is a massive disappointment. You would rightly expect a country famous for its comically sized buckets of soft drinks and enormous plates of food to produce bottles of beer at least twice the girth of regular stubbies. But instead the bottles are only a measly 25 mL bigger than ours. Could it be that the excessive consumption and decadence of US culture is exaggerated? No, surely not. The real reason their bottles of beer are not twice the size of ours is that US citizens have inferior piss-drinking capabilities to their New Zealand counterparts.

Americans constantly consume strong doses of ‘Kool-Aid,’ namely that they are the greatest country in the world, that they are temporarily embarrassed millionaires and that as long as they try hard enough, each and every one of them will be an astronaut and President (simultaneously) some day. Because they are already under the influence of this strong drug, it really does not take many extra chemicals in their brain to push them over the edge. As a result, they will have six beers and go absolutely mental, hence their preference for six packs over coffins (cowards).

In contrast, the general state of New Zealand has the opposite effect on its inhabitants. Sitting in a shitty flat, drinking in a shed, or standing in a dark and muddy field does not tend to make you think that you are on your way to greatness. Quite the opposite, really, because you’re in Gore. It therefore requires far more beers to achieve the same sense of euphoria that Americans sustain after six standard drinks. As a result, New Zealanders have six beers and are just starting to enjoy themselves.

Budweiser tastes fine but it is underwhelming. It is a tribute to the fact that while Americans can drink three litres of Coca-Cola on a daily basis, they get wasted off half that amount of beer. While the US may eclipse us in terms of the productivity of its people (doubtful tbh), being free as fuck (again, idk), and the strength of their military (okay yes this one’s right), at least we can drink more beer than them. Take that America. Up yours.

Tasting notes: corn, recession, Dustbowl
Froth level: buying a COD loadout at Walmart
Tastes like: freedom, pretending there wasn’t an opiate crisis 
Overall rating: 6/10 needs to be bigger

This article first appeared in Issue 26, 2022.
Posted 8:10pm Sunday 9th October 2022 by Chug Norris.