Archive

Booze Reviews | Free-B's

Posted 9:56pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Anon

Victorian Bitters, a classic Australian beer. Sitting at around $13 for a 6 pack, you definitely get your money’s worth. However, are VB’s actually a pleasurable beer to drink? Yes and no. If you are a 20-year-old skater or middle aged Australian man, then you’d probably say that Read more...

The Critic Bachelor

Posted 9:51pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Jack Manning Age: 22 (“and a half!”)  Occupation: OUSA President  Star sign: Sagittarius Degree: BSc in Computer Science, DipGrad in Marketing  Celebrity Crush: Gal Gadot His friends describe him as: Kind, a little bit introverted, and humble. Last STI Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Unfucking my Brain: One Month Without Porn

Posted 9:32pm Thursday 2nd July 2020 by Critic

Porn has undeniably screwed with my brain. There is no questioning that. It has changed how I think about and approach sex. It continues to burn holes through my dopamine receptors. It’s changed how I think about both women and men. I’m in my twenties, and looking at how I consume porn Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Speight's

Posted 12:28am Friday 22nd May 2020 by F. Thot Fizzgerald

Speight's in a can, Speight's in a bottle, and Speight's on tap are all vastly different drinking experiences. Although it may technically be the same beverage, I’m willing to bet my life that the material and/or spiritual energy of the vessel fucks with the taste. Here is Read more...

Vape Review | Strawberry Kiwifruit Aotearoa E-Juice

Posted 10:33pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic

Who needs Covid-19 when you can get self-induced Bronchitis from vaping too much over quarantine? If you’re gonna inject your lungs with some nicotine, it might as well taste nice. That’s why the Strawberry Kiwifruit Aotearoa E-Juice results in a pleasant vaping experience. You Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Custard: Soup, but make it dessert.

Posted 10:29pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Caroline Moratti

There are times in life when you don’t want to make a meal for yourself, but you also want to cook something. There are times when you want dinner, but actually, really, only want dessert. Custard is easy and gooey and somehow deeply nostalgic. Eat a whole pot of it and call it a Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Antonio and the Tonsils

Posted 10:27pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic

So, our tale begins in the US, where I was staying with my parents over the summer holidays. During that time I had the perfectly rational horny thought to check out some American tinder boys. After some extensive swiping, I finally found someone half-decent. For the sake of this confession, Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 8

Posted 7:03pm Thursday 21st May 2020 by Critic

Aquarius  Jan 20 - Feb 18 This year is flying by and so are your opportunities to make long lasting friends that you don’t exploit.  Your song to stream this week: Privilege - The Weeknd   Pisces  Feb 19 - Mar 20 You get a glimpse of freedom and Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 7

Posted 1:10am Friday 15th May 2020 by Critic

Alright lads, I’ve got a problem. I don’t know if it’s something developmental, or if it’s just that I’ve been shacked up for six weeks without a shag, but I’ve had more wet dreams during the lockdown than I’ve had in my entire life.  I’d be Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Rabbit Ranch Pinot Gris

Posted 11:53pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Sinkpiss Plath

When esteemed Dunedin South (now Taieri) electorate member of parliament, Clare Curran, came to Critic for an intense debate, she brought wine along with her. She brought Rabbit Ranch, a fruity sav that tingles the throat with every sip. Nice attempt to intimidate us Clare, but we deal with Harlene Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 7

Posted 4:12pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Critic

Aquarius  Jan 20 - Feb 18 While you lay in bed looking out the window, the moon will tell you that your next period will be extremely heavy as punishment for being you. The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Five days, but they will be hell.   Pisces  Feb 19 - Mar Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Tacos: for a Celebration

Posted 4:04pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Everyone loves tacos. There’s a reason that the humble dish appeases both the fiercest of enemies, the basic white girl and the hipster. Tacos are juicy, spicy, comforting and the meal I would reach for to celebrate the end of a devastatingly long lockdown. It’s the end of Autumn so, Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Vegan Korma

Posted 4:23pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Caroline Moratti

I spend a lot of my time and money pretending to be a young professional, when in fact, I’m actually a dumb, poor student. This includes behaviour such as spending outrageous sums of money at bars, buying clothes that do not suit any of the places I go, and practicing fancy recipes to cook for Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 6

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mending unstable friendships is a great idea this week. Stop blowing your friends off for a basic breatha with chlamydia and send them a message about how awesome they are. Your cereal choice this week: Porridge but pretend it’s Read more...

Booze Reviews | Beefeater Gin

Posted 3:53pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Dick Bourbonage

In a time of loneliness we all need to find someone, or something, to keep us company. And because I’m a sad, single alcoholic, I’ve found my companion in a bottle of Beefeater Gin. To say Beefeater will boost your mood in a time as tough as this would be a bit of a lie. As Albert Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 6

Posted 3:41pm Sunday 10th May 2020 by Critic

How many times have you come close to death? To see the edges of the world grow void of colour, and feel everything growing impossibly distant, only to be wrenched back to unfortunate reality. It happened to me twice in one night, and it was the first time I met with someone I met on Grindr. The Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Accidental Isolation Partner

Posted 10:35am Wednesday 8th April 2020 by Critic

Monday 23 March, 2020. Doomsday. When the news hit, there was panic in my flat. So much so that it rubbed off on me. My flatmates were making plans to move home, but with the flights blocked and my dad immunocompromised, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy for me. I was left with a choice. I could Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Bliss Balls

Posted 4:53pm Tuesday 7th April 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Baking sweet snacks is the perfect isolation activity. But I hear ya, there’s no FUCKing flour or sugar at the supermarket. What the fuck are you supposed to bake then? I know bliss balls might seem like a sad proxy for baking but they are actually delicious, sweet, quick and easy. Just like Read more...

Let Young People Celebrate, Even If the World Is Ending

Posted 3:38pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Jamie Mactaggart

If you’ve been online in the past week you would have seen two things. First, this Covid-19 shit is hitting the fan and second, the old people are angry at students again. They are angry because while they were buying all the fucking toilet paper, students were focused on how there is always Read more...

Booze Reviews | Quarantini Selection

Posted 3:19pm Sunday 22nd March 2020 by Critic

Cold and Flu Supplements to Mix with Your Leftover St Paddy’s Day Whisky and a little bit of Redbull I thought that cocktail - ‘Quarrantini’ – that was making its way around social media was fucking revolutionary. I decided to test out other cold and flu supplements that Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Focaccia

Posted 6:26pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Not to be corny, but making bread is an activity that has brought me unrivalled joy throughout my life. A handful of ingredients and a few hours will yield a delicious loaf to share and fill and entire house with the cosiest, most comforting smell.  This focaccia recipe is really, actually, Read more...

Vape Review | A.N.Z.A.A.C

Posted 6:23pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Believe it or not, I am somewhat of a patriot. At least when it comes to biscuits. I have tried multiple Anzac flavoured vape juices, and I can honestly say that none have come as close to what Vapourium offers. I think this one has done our fallen soldiers proud, boys. Before you go out and Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 5

Posted 6:20pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Last summer, I did what any bored and horny gal does and tried to get validation from random Tinder guys. I swiped on a dude who seemed pretty cute, but a bit of a shit cunt - just my type. We talked for a bit and then decided to go out for a cheeky afternoon drink. After a few too many beers and Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 5

Posted 6:19pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Your chakras align this week as you realise it’s time for a personality adjustment. And to buy a meal that isn’t Maggi noodles. Your childhood TV show to watch this week: Caillou the annoying bald fucker   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Water Read more...

Just the Tip | Issue 5

Posted 5:55pm Thursday 19th March 2020 by Critic

Want to deal with a dick flatmate, problems with your studies, or want tips on how to woo your latest Tinder match? Your anonymous concerns will be addressed by a panel of Critic's life coaches. The Virgin Sappho, 2nd Year I. Need. A gf. I’ve tried several dating apps, I’ve Read more...

Editorial: R.I.P. Blind Date

Posted 9:50am Monday 16th March 2020 by Sinead Gill

From this week onward, there will be no more Critic Blind Date. I know. You’re all going to be fucking gutted. In a way, so am I – no editor relishes cutting institutions from the magazine. But this had to be done. Critic cannot 100 percent guarantee your safety on the blind date, Read more...

Booze Reviews | Dirty Double Brown & Sunshine

Posted 12:42pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

St Patrick’s day is upon us. It would be rude not to give you some relevant cocktails for a filthy Tuesday on the piss. Dirty Double Brown -       30ml whiskey -       15mls Read more...

Vape Review

Posted 12:39pm Saturday 14th March 2020 by Nicki O'Teen

If you want an inoffensive vaping experience, then the Ice Cucumber is the flavour for you. It literally just tastes like cool air with a sweet afterbirth. Ice Cucumber is only 2.5% strength, so it doesn’t leave you with the pairing of burning lungs and self-deprecating thoughts. This flavour Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 4

Posted 6:43pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic

I don’t know what the place is called, but if you walk up that fuck off hill from Arana – up past the cemetery and to the top of where the botans begin/ends – there is this field. I drive past it all the time to get to the supermarket without having to deal with all the traffic on Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 4

Posted 6:40pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please stop asking people to go out tonight. Don’t you have more important things to do? Especially on a Sunday. That’s the Lord’s day. What you smell like this week: Desperation.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your last Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Avo and Chicken Rice Balls

Posted 6:35pm Thursday 12th March 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Recently we resolved that we would become much better people and start bringing a packed lunch to Uni. Where better to start than rice balls, the food so many students already consume with unrestrained financial passion? Since they are now a devastating $4.70 at St. Dave’s, it seemed there was Read more...

EDITORIAL: Report Your Shit Cunt Landlord

Posted 4:40pm Sunday 8th March 2020 by Sinead Gill

Most landlords that Critic come across are shit cunts (SCLs for short). SCLs believe that students should be grateful to be housed at all, and that rotting properties are ok because students will trash the place anyway. SCLs think that providing a roof is enough, and that adequate housing quality is Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Smash Burgers

Posted 1:51pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic

 For the Sex Issue, we pondered the eternal question: What is the sexiest meal? After much oyster consideration, and a bit of roasted eggplant talk, we stumbled upon the blindingly obvious answer: burgers. Burgers are a universal sign that you’re willing to chow down on a large hunk of Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 3

Posted 12:46pm Saturday 7th March 2020 by Critic

Dr Lauren Carwell* was the sexiest lecturer I had ever seen. She was maybe 28ish with a nice body and sexy eyes. The fact that she was in a position of power added an even hotter appeal, and I never missed a class for this reason. Although I was at uni, I felt like a stupid young schoolboy with a Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week you will be kink shamed. Probably by me. This week’s lube flavour: Yeast   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Hmm something smells fishy. Vagisil, anyone? This week’s lube flavour: Birthday cake   Aries Mar 21 - Apr Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Issue 3

Posted 5:48pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

Critic Booze Review: Odd Company’s The Cheeky One If you haven’t been to Leith Liquor in the past week or so, you’re probably wondering, what the fuck is this drink? Let me enlighten you. Sick of Long Whites being the only alcohol I can manage to stomach after years of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Him and Her

Posted 4:27pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Critic

HIM: I was pretty skeptical about how the whole thing was going to go down. Then my date arrived. Fuck me, Critic really pulled through on this one. We headed off to the peace gardens (that place where you can get free salad beside OUSA), for some drinks and a vape. When my date proceeded to Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Weed

Posted 2:01am Friday 28th February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

I had planned to review an actual booze, but the day I sat down to do it, my dealer texted: he was in. A Dunedin without fellow students had turned me lazy, but for both Flo and O Week I had missed out on the hundie bag deals. I couldn’t do three weeks in a row. After a quick trip to the Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth: Eggs Benedict for a Good Fuck

Posted 6:10pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

The morning after sex plays a vital role in defining your future. If the person in question is a definite one night stand, then you needn’t worry about a good breakfast impression. A bowl of cereal is, in that case, an offer of sincere generosity. But let’s say you’ve made love to Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 6:07pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 New year, new you. Go to the gym and then immediately treat yourself with Maccas. This week’s drug of choice: Sugar   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your birthday. Drop out of Health Sci and do that film degree. This week’s drug of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Apollo and Artemis

Posted 5:53pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic

APOLLO I approached the Critic Blind Date with a devil-may-care attitude; I wasn’t necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, but I’d happily take whatever happened naturally. I had signed up on a whim and was excited to see what would happen. I’m happy to say that my Read more...

Editorial: Fuck The 2020 Election And Fuck Anyone Who Wants Me To Cover It

Posted 2:58pm Wednesday 26th February 2020 by Sinead Gill

Party politics is boring and bullshit, and politicians are too.  This year is election year. As of writing this, I haven’t even made a single Critic yet, and already there is incredible pressure from all sides for me to cover what politicians and parties are up to. But here’s Read more...

Bone Apple Teeth | Vodka Vegetarian Pantry Pasta

Posted 2:44pm Saturday 22nd February 2020 by Caroline Moratti

Welcome to Bone Apple Teeth. This column is not going to teach you how to make nachos. Everyone fucking knows how to make nachos. If you’re here for that school camp shit of defrosted meat and canned beans, please kindly turn the page. Bone Apple Teeth is about beautiful, fun, vibrant food on Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon's Pink Gin and Soda

Posted 3:04am Friday 21st February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down

If you like Gin in-a-can, then, boy, is this the drink for you: Gin but Pink. I don’t fuck with gin too hard myself, but I was definitely intrigued by the fact Gordon’s were spicing up their line of gin with… slightly more interesting gin. Sadly, even an infusion of Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Harry and Megan

Posted 2:31am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

HARRY   Taking chances can lead to the most rewarding experiences in life. When the call went out and Ol’ mate Critic needed some help, I was happy to oblige. A new format was interesting enough, but late afternoon was a rough time. Both parties were sober and the experience had a Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Issue 1

Posted 12:12am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I was going to send this in last year but at the time there were some rumours flying around about one of the people involved and I didn’t want to Read more...

Horoscope | Issue 1

Posted 12:02am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius Season is nearly over and everyone else will be relieved. This week’s 2am feast: A Macca’s cheeseburger that you dropped on the road.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Asking people their moon and rising sign won’t make you less Read more...

Top Ten Animals of the Air New Zealand In-Flight Entertainment Kids Map

Posted 2:23am Friday 4th October 2019 by Alex McKirdy

Let me set the scene: you’re captive in an aluminium tube, thirty thousand feet above the ocean, cruising at a speed of over eight hundred kilometres per hour. Hours have passed, and hours are yet to pass. With your senses dulled from your fourth complementary beverage, you crave a simpler Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 26

Posted 10:04pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

111, one drug pls!!!   Landlords when tenants complain about poor insulation.     Fucking millennials and their new “only looking at the ground” trend. This is hopefully the first and last time the word “Lawrence” and Read more...

Student Refuses to Remove Apple Watch During Sex

Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I just can’t risk it,” he says. “What if an important email comes in while I’m shaggin? My life moves too fast, man, I can’t tap out while I bang it out.” What a tremendous lifestyle. Sources close to the student report that this claim is “entirely Read more...