Archive

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Were Full of Themselves

Posted 9:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week, the ODT has a vey high opinion of themselves indeed.  There’s nothing more “eminent” and “witty” than talking about how eminent and witty you are.     Desperate to live up to their self-awarded wittiness, the ODT then engaged Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Canterbury Draught

Posted 8:55pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

We all have that one Cantabrian dickhead in the group who swears Canterbury Draught (CD) is the one thing in life they live for. But fuck them. There is no way a self-respecting person would admit anything from Canterbury was good. What’s there to like? The Crusaders? Richard Hadlee? Phar Lap? Read more...

Simple Recipes for Simple People: BLTs

Posted 8:44pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Lachie Robertson

BLTs are the Conrad Smith of feeds. Not underrated, because everyone froths them, but also not everyone’s first thought when it comes to the all-time greats. They’re fucking good though, the whole package really. Whether we’re talking flat dinners, hungover feeds or a 3 am Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Big Daddy

Posted 8:41pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

In all honesty, I’ve been waiting to review this film merely because I love the thought of having “Adam Sandler” and “Daddy” in the same sentence. “Big Daddy” is shit. God, it’s such a terrible film. This film makes absolutely no fucking sense. Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Who Gnomes About Pussy Planet?

Posted 8:38pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Not far from the 24 hour dairy on George Street stands a large two storey weatherboard house that has been converted to a 7 bedroom flat. For many years it has had a name, possibly as long as a decade, but last year’s residents made what may be its very first sign. Of the more than 500 Read more...

Who the Fuck Even Was Stephen Hawking?

Posted 8:36pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Dr. Nick

Stephen Hawking died last week on the 14th of March 2018. He was arguably one of the most well-known scientists of the last half century. He was even something of a pop culture icon, with appearances in “The Simpsons,” “Futurama,” and more. Most white, male scientists are Read more...

Long Whites Are an Absolute Treat and Anyone Who Says Otherwise is a Liar

Posted 8:29pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Righto lads time to sit your masculinity complex on the shelf for a minute and enjoy a truly delicious drink. Honestly, I’ve got no time for anyone who uses the term “bitch drinks,” because if you think drinking beers instead of vodka soda somehow makes you a man, you’re a Read more...

Advice on Giving Advice | Advice on Sending It

Posted 8:26pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

If you are reading this thinking we’re about to deliver some absolute pearlers on how to be the most productive you you’ve ever been, you’re about to be more disappointed than hearing certain presidential election results. To be utterly frank, we operate purely off mantras. Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Drake and Josh

Posted 8:19pm Thursday 22nd March 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Drake I turned up to my blind date with some liquid courage hoping to find a Read more...

Real Facts | Issue 04

Posted 10:55pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

John Lennon and George Harrison once got a bus across Liverpool to visit a man who could teach them the chord B7. In the late Middle Ages, books were so valuable that libraries would chain them to the bookcase. This was widely practiced until the 18th century. Ladybird sex sessions can last Read more...

14 Surprising Things You Didn't Know About Post Malone

Posted 10:51pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Post Malone translates in Latin as “after-dinner mints” Post Malone is named after Posts Malone, a fencing company in Malone, Florida A “Malone” is a male lone Post Malone and Childish Gambino are actually Siamese twins Post Malone is the only person to ever be 77 Read more...

ODT Watch | The Week the ODT Smoked Some Weed and Told Ghost Stories

Posted 10:14pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

To start this week we jump right into the high-octane world of the ODT’s opinion section. Riveting, absolutely riveting.     Next, I imagine the ODT gazing out of a window running aesthetically with rain while Bic Runga plays in the background, pondering the muses Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 04

Posted 10:11pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Lecturer Tells IT Person to Get Fucked He’s had it. After ten years of computers, OHPs and sound systems not working in lectures, a brave lecturer has finally told a patronising member of the IT support staff to get fucked. Students in the first year class couldn’t believe what Read more...

Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Happy Gilmore

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

We are literally only four weeks into this column and I must admit, I’m starting to feel defeated. I genuinely do not understand him. Half of me believes that he is the greatest mastermind of all time, producing the same slightly altered content to rake in the money, and the other half Read more...

Critic Food Review | Cadbury Creme Egg

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer

Many believe that the art of painting hard boiled eggs in spring time was a pagan ritual that represented new life, fertility and rebirth. Many others believe that Christians stole the ritual, rebranded it and related it to the resurrection of Christ. Others suspect, thanks to da Vinci’s Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project | Signs of Sex

Posted 9:29pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

There is a prevalent sexual theme running through the history of Dunedin’s named flats, though on analysis it is a minority. No doubt the thematic vein of possibilities has not been thoroughly mined. The sexual references in flat names tend broadly to people’s bits, things related to Read more...

Hi, Dr Nick | The Love Hormone?

Posted 9:28pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Dr. Nick

Oxytocin is a hormone produced by the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland; a hormone-producing gland that is located at the base of the brain. In recent years it has been referred to as the “love” hormone, the “cuddle” hormone, and just about everything else positive under Read more...

Haägen is Apparently German For “We Fucked Up”

Posted 9:23pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

We’re doing Haägen because a bunch of tradies are following our reviews and rip into us for being yuppie wankers whenever we talk shit about one of their favourites. This one’s for you, fuckers. Haägen is apparently German for “we fucked up”. It’s a big, Read more...

The Definitive Guide to Talking About The Sex That You Or Other People Are Having

Posted 9:20pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Here’s the thing with sex – like most things you will do in your life, it’s going to be good, it’s going to be bad, and it will often seem like a good idea when you’re drunk. But, just like getting sex advice from your well-meaning father, you don’t need to always Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Nakia and T'Challa

Posted 9:16pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by Critic

Nakia I’ve heard some tragic stories about these blind dates, but what’s the worst thing that could happen, right? After months of good old peer pressure from the girls, I thought I’d spice up my life and finally gave in. I made quite the entrance when my friend dropped me Read more...

Is this the ODT's worst ever headline pun?

Posted 11:41am Sunday 11th March 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin

This week the ODT have tried to force a pun even worse than usual, Ah yes, because “brass” was used to indicate coinage in the Victorian era, and caulis (the commonly used abbreviation of cauliflower) are becoming more expensive, and cauliflowers are brassicas. It writes Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 03

Posted 11:11am Sunday 11th March 2018 by Critic

Hilarious Lad Comments “Is This the One You Told Us About?” On Mate’s New Facebook Friendship Part-time surveying student and full-time hilarious memelord Connor Mannering absolutely stitched up his mate with a gag you’d never see coming! After friend Tom York was Read more...

A weekly review of every single bloody Adam Sandler film: Pixels

Posted 5:44pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

“OK guys, hear me out. How ‘bout we make a film in which there’s a video game tournament, and we put footage of it in a time capsule. But then aliens find the footage, think we want to one outs them at the back of Maccas, and attack Earth in the guise of video game characters. And Read more...

What's up with Otago students and stealing road signs?

Posted 5:17pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

Who hasn’t stolen a road sign or a road cone, or created a collection of “No Stopping” signs in the corner of their lounge? Flat signs are often made of found materials. Let’s face it, budgets are tight and recycling is a good practice to foster. In the past, signs have Read more...

Dr Mike | Sex and STIs

Posted 5:14pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Mike Peebles

University has begun, which for many people means more procrastinating, more drinking, and more fucking. For others, it means getting back to Elim Church and trying to be wholesome in New Zealand’s city of sin. The combination of drinking and fucking massively increases the risk of three Read more...

Stop Pretending You Like Guiness

Posted 5:10pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Guinness is a fucking scam and you’re only drinking it because you think stomaching it makes you look like a tough cunt one day of the year. Don’t kid yourself – it takes a fucking hour to drink a pint and it’s way too weak to get you on a decent level. Trying to get Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Bazza and Shazza

Posted 5:08pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz   Bazza I applied for the Critic blind date one night when I was Read more...

Auntie Kell and Mumma Zo | Advice on Getting out of Dunedin

Posted 5:03pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

It is generally advisable not to sleep with someone solely so you can get them to take you out of the city (like my mother did), or out of the country (like Kelly’s mother did). This could leave you with a child in an unknown part of the world. Choice. Hitch-hiking is a possibility, our Read more...

Food Review: Sealord Canned Tuna

Posted 5:01pm Thursday 8th March 2018 by David Emanuel

Sealord Canned Tuna is a very polarising substance. At 15 grams of protein, it’s the go-to protein source for beef-cake gym junkies who are poor, and people who claim to be vegetarian, “except when I’m pissed, hungover or stoned bro”. Honestly, if you’re not one of Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 02

Posted 6:04pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic

Students demand more construction on campus The student body has turned out en masse to protest the state of the University’s infrastructure, demanding widespread construction works start immediately.  “The buildings are an absolute fucking mess,” one protestor stated. Read more...

Food Reviews | The 99c Couplands Mince and Vege Pie

Posted 4:38pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Cameron De Leijer

The Couplands (Coop-Lands, not Cope-Lands you fucking cretin) 99c pie is a student’s lifeline. It is the final swipe on tinder before you run out, the eyeroll that the lecturer gives you while you plead your shitty case for another week’s extension on your assignment, the IV drip Read more...

Little Nicky is truly the turning point of the millennium

Posted 4:34pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Released in the early 2000s, Little Nicky is truly the turning point of the millennium. I would go so far as to say that it is one of Sandler’s most underappreciated films, as it gives us a glimpse into his personality. The film’s premise is that the Devil decides not to retire, and two Read more...

The Flat Names Project | The Debacle

Posted 4:33pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

  The arrival of students at the beginning of each academic year brings a frisson of excitement to the city, which used to culminate in a toga parade so that, as former OUSA general manager told the ODT, “the community and students could meet and greet each other in a colourful Read more...

Dr Mike | Evolution

Posted 4:31pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Mike Peebles

Evolution. If there’s something that gets Christians going more than pre-marital sex, it’s this bad boy. Evolution is the novel idea that the world is incredibly old (several billion years in fact), and that modern life has slowly developed, rather than spontaneously appearing 6000 years Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Steinlager

Posted 4:29pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Go into any country pub in New Zealand, and look behind the counter. You will find three standard beers that won’t ever change: Speight’s, Tui, and DB Draught. Brown bottle beers that are about as exciting as visiting Gore or your grandparents for the weekend. Then a sparkle hits your Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Coke and Bourbon

Posted 4:26pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to the Dog With Two Tails. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz   Coke After getting my whole flat to pamper me while I knocked back Read more...

Advice on Advising | The Phresher Phlu

Posted 4:24pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

Disclaimer: In no way do we support being ill and partying O-week and the first week of lectures have been and gone. This means that all of us attempting to avoid the phresher phlu have now well and truly intermingled. The biggest problem with phresher phlu is that despite O-week being over, Read more...

The Critical Tribune | Issue 01

Posted 4:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic

Albany Cafe to start adding coffee to their coffees In a bold move, Albany Cafe has announced a radical change to the recipe of their brown coffee-style caffeinated liquid, which will for the first time incorporate authentic ground-up coffee beans, grown from actual trees. “It was a bit of Read more...

Editorial : Why This Is the Only Time You Will See the Words ‘Donald Trump’ in Critic This Year.

Posted 4:17pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Joel MacManus

This year, Critic will not be using the first or last name of the current US President. Being a student magazine focused on the University of Otago and Scarfie life in Dunedin, we don’t cover a whole lot of international news, but the influence of American politics has a way of infecting Read more...

Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | 50 First Dates

Posted 3:56pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Henessey Griffiths

Adam Sandler – quite possibly the most fascinating person of our generation. You see, Adam Sandler is an enigma. He literally floats his way through life churning out subpar films. It doesn’t matter if you love or loath the Sandman; as long as you recognize his face and his stupid smug Read more...

Food Review | Hellers Pre-Cooked Sausages

Posted 3:53pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by David Emanuel

Hellers pre-cooked sausages are the antithesis of vegetarianism. Not only are they a meat product, which seems to be a no-go for 90% of whingeing lefties these days, but they are made of pork, lamb, beef and chicken. So unlike that Night n’ Day beef-mince pie you do the demolition job on at Read more...

Lion Brown is The Least Interesting Beer in New Zealand

Posted 3:48pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

Lion Brown is the oldest and least interesting beer you’ve ever seen. The Brown Bomber has been around since 1907, and despite existing for 111 years, no one ever thought to adjust the recipe to make it taste good. Despite being mediocre as shit and not being anywhere near strong enough to Read more...

Dunedin Flat Names Project: The Influence of J.K Rowling

Posted 3:46pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Sarah Gallagher

The Harry Potter series shattered literary and film-making records. One record that is sure to be unique is the influence it’s had on the naming of student flats. Here in Dunedin there are  a number of flats with names influenced by Rowling’s world. The first Potter-inspired flat Read more...

Advice on How to Give Advice: O-week

Posted 3:42pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport

  O-week is a time when lots of advice is given and received. Here is some advice on how to give advice during O-week. The best thing about O-week is that you don't really need to go to lectures unless you're in Carrington, in which case we definitely advise you to go, that's Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Betty and Archie

Posted 3:01pm Saturday 24th February 2018 by Critic

BETTY My date was already there when I walked in, so it was up to me to set the scene for introductions and, slightly flustered, I went in hot with the hug. TOP TIP though, remember their name – because I did not. And by the time I realised, I was way too far in to ask the poor boy Read more...

Wakachangi Is New Zealand's Finest Craft Beer

Posted 1:37pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Swilliam Shakesbeer

‘Wakachangi’ is an amalgamation of the Māori word for canoe and the Georgian word for a 17th century Ottoman harp. The brainchild of one of New Zealand’s greatest New Zealanders, Leigh Hart, this fresh drop goes down easier than the Blackcaps middle order against any Read more...

Science Tank | Jet Debt

Posted 1:34pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Chelle Fitzgerald

Jet lag arises due to a disturbance of your body’s internal clock, which drives your circadian rhythms. Known as the suprachiasmatic nucleus, this ‘master clock’ processes light information from your retinas and tells the pineal gland what’s happening, so that it can Read more...

Lucky in Love | Toyota Hilux & Mitsubishi Lancer

Posted 1:26pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Lovebirds

Each week, we lure two singletons to The Bog Irish Bar, give them food and drink, then wait for their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like you, email: critic@critic.co.nz   Toyota Hilux I never wanted to sign up for this, but I eventually gave in to the constant Read more...

Sage Advice | Fuck! To Political Allegories and Fuck! To McDonald’s / Goodbye Forever

Posted 1:21pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Mat Clarkson

“Many people have strong views on McDonald’s.” - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s Well, folks. It’s been a rollercoaster. Bringing you advice these past months has been a blast. We’ve had some hits, and more than a few stinkers. We’ve laughed, Read more...

Ethel & Hyde | Issue 26

Posted 1:15pm Sunday 8th October 2017 by Student Support

Dear Ethel, I’ve always viewed myself as a straight guy. I’ve had one serious relationship with a girl and a few casual hook-ups. But last weekend I had a few beers with the boys then headed into town. I somehow ended up at a random house party, where I meet this dude who was funny Read more...