Archive
Some Old Guy in Lecture Theatre Won’t Stop Mansplaining
Posted 11:02pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Look at him, standing at the front of the class, mansplaining about physics from a PowerPoint slide. What a twat. Calls himself a “professor” or “doctor” or “lecturer” or something, like I’d give gosh darn hookin-dooky. He’s going on about something Read more...
Lad Wearing Shorts in Winter; a Harrowing Statement about Climate Change
Posted 11:01pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
William Maverick of Leith Street isn’t just wearing booty shorts in winter to show off those toned, sinewy, powerful, sexy rugby-player calves. He doesn’t need to prove himself as a man by eschewing trousers, nor is he swayed by the ridicule and emasculation of his flatties (ha ha Read more...
Finally, a Safe Space for the Straight’s
Posted 10:59pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The Dunedin heterosexual community rejoices as last week the “e” on the Alley Cantina sign fell off, rendering the establishment an exclusive venue where the Straights in SLGBT+ can live their truth. “It’s great having a place just for us,” said one staunchly male Read more...
Lecturer Can’t Be Fucked Disguising Real Personality Any Longer Once You Hit 4th Year
Posted 10:54pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yesterday, local Chemistry lecturer, Dr Steven Marks, let out a long sigh of exasperation as a 400-level student struggled to recall the value of RT. Initially panicking, he relaxed when he realised it was only a postgrad class of eight students and he could give up the nice “eager to Read more...
Top 10 Things You Could Have Done Over Mid-Semester Break if Your Life Was More Together
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
1. Masturbate. For the entire time. 2. Catch up on those assignments you've been avoiding. 3. Catch up on all of that weed you could have been smoking. 4. Snoop through your flatmates’ bedrooms while they're at home for the week. 5. Roam around campus. Soak in the Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Room
Posted 10:45pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz To set the scene. I had installed Tinder and had trouble building momentum for the first few weeks. All the guys seemed to be the same breather, dropping Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 21
Posted 10:30pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Stand in the lounge facing the flatmate you hate the most. Hold your hands up, make them mirror your actions. Start weeping, break the distance, hold them close. This week’s lunchbox trade: Blue Moosie Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 No wonder Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon’s Gin and Tonic
Posted 10:24pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
There’re times in one’s life when you just have to say "fuck it" and drink G&T in a can. For those who are experiencing the bleakness of life’s existence, just drink Gordon’s Gin and Tonic RTD 12-pack and get it over with. For me, a G&T is what I drink when Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Aristotle and Plato
Posted 10:14pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Aristotle My night started off with my two (female) friends blasting Read more...
Top 10 Most Kissable Animals
Posted 11:04pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Moray eels. Swoon! There’s a reason their name sounds like the Latin word for “love”. What’s more romantic than a trustworthy partner? Kiss a tiger and know that, despite the fact they could horrifically maim or kill you, they’re making out with you Read more...
Lecturer Has Actually Used a Computer in The Past
Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Lecturer who can’t even get the projector to work swears that he “knows a lot about technology” and even claims to create his own PowerPoints. “I didn’t know what was happening,” Terrence Technophobe (PhD) told the Tribune. “Usually when I press that button Read more...
Philosophy Student Mistakenly Believes That Everyone at Party is Fascinated By Dead Greeks.
Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“He wouldn’t shut up,” said one unfortunate victim. “He kept talking about ‘Plato’s Allegory’. More like ‘Plato’s alle-snorey’.” Another partygoer said that nobody even knew who he was, and that he just appeared out from under the Read more...
Dumpy Plain Girl With Good Sense of Humour Wishes that More Guys Would Ask Her About Her Friends
Posted 8:39pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Local 24-year-old office admin assistant Stacey has recently confessed to sources that she would be having the time of her life in this pub, if only some more guys could befriend her and ask her about her thinner, blonder friend Laura. “It’s just really frustrating,” Stacey told Read more...
Gran’s New Reading Glasses Coming in Real Handy For Reading Jayden’s New All-Script Tattoo
Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I know the kids are all getting the tattoos these days,” said 71-year-old Barbara. “And so when my grandson Jayden got one on his back, I thought ‘ooh! I need my glasses to see this’ so I went and put them on and I was touched to see a Bible passage.” Sources Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk
Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I remember it like it was yesterday. March 25, 2017. It was my boyfriend at the time’s birthday, and was I saving the best gift for last. After Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 20
Posted 8:32pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Not being able to sweat isn’t a personality, Aquarius. This week’s fashion icon: Bruce the Neopet. This week’s fashion faux pas: Crimped hair. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Everyone shits the bed at some point in their life, Pisces. Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine
Posted 8:23pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ring the wedding bells; I’m getting married. That’s right, I’ve found the one. Well, kind of. I don’t mean she’s as sexy as tequila or as good in bed as Jägermeister. She’s a far throw from my childhood love (RTDs, I miss you) but I'm a third year now, Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson
Posted 8:22pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Lindsay Lohan After hyping myself up to apply for the gay edition of Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 20
Posted 8:18pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT have some hard-hitting questions Yes. Next, Winston Peters’ mother has something to fucking say “No one apart from my son, Winston S. Peters, should be allowed to vote.” Winston was later heard saying, “Shuduuuup Mum, Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 19
Posted 2:49pm Monday 12th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week, the ODT is reporting on a miraculous occurrence. “MAGIC’S NOT REAL.” I cried into my pillow, insanely jealous. The ODT have been getting really into classic children’s film Monsters Inc. (2001), directed by Pete Docter.Rude. Mike Wazowski is a Read more...
Communist East Dundas Opens New Student Pub, “We-Bar”
Posted 4:54pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The East Dundas soup line has a new competitor as students queue up to grab a pint from We-Bar for only 12,000 Breathamark (roughly converted to NZD $5). The new gastropub was unveiled by the Most Honourable Commander Härleen Veda Hajne herself, headlined by local bands “I’m So Read more...
Girl Resolves to Turn Over New Leaf With a Facemask and Goals During Sunday’s Comedown
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Michaela’s life has been falling apart this year. Uni has overwhelmed her, her GPA has slipped, her fitness regime has fallen off the perch and she’s been partying too hard. “I can change,” Michaela told sources recently. “I just need to have visions and goals and some Read more...
Postgrad Student Walks Back to Castle Street at 5pm to Move Car
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Oh shit look at the time,” said local postgraduate student Patrick Glaze (24) as his alarm buzzed. “It’s almost 5pm and it’s getting dark. Those young hooligans will be pouring down Castle in their droves, destroying everything in their wake. I’d better go move Read more...
Local Woman Reckons She Would Fare Pretty Well In Prison
Posted 4:52pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
After binge watching the full series of Netflix's Jailbirds, 32-year-old Sara was recently overheard telling friends that she would be sweet as in jail. "I've got lots of tattoos and I'm quite big so I reckon nobody would mess with me," she declared. She figures that with her Read more...
Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Hospital
Posted 4:51pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
1. Try out the robots. There are robots everywhere. If you don’t know what they do, find out! Push some buttons, twist some knobs, who knows what that goddamned android will come up with! 2. Get a catheter. The place is lousy with nurses, and surely if you ask enough of them, one will be Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Tinder Threesome Taped to Telephone
Posted 4:47pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz It was a Wednesday like any other. It had been grey and wet all day, and something about the sound of rain on the roof of the chemistry building had me Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 19
Posted 4:39pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The stars are mourning the death of one of the gr8s, Toni Morrison. Honour your fellow Aquarius this week by reading one of her books. Or any book, even. This week’s meet up: Monday 10am, second floor Central, PS 3563 08749. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Water
Posted 4:33pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Alcohol is great and all, but you know what’s better? Staying hydrated. The ol’ H20, baby. This one goes out to all you water lovers in the house tonight. Water was first invented by Speight’s in 1998. Fun fact, that spring water tap was actually created as an April Fools joke Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek
Posted 4:30pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Fiona As soon as I arrived on my exchange, I knew kiwi dick was Read more...
Student Led Lemonade Stand Forcibly Removed From Meridian Mall
Posted 8:22pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Duhamel Bosworth, CEO of Totally Legit Lemonade, was removed from mall grounds last weekend. When security asked Bosworth to present paperwork proving that his stall was permitted in the mall, he presented them with a handwritten note that was "super legit, absolutely real" and not written Read more...
Fucking Sick: Those Guys Just Kicked Over a Rubbish Bin
Posted 8:21pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Bro, fuck yeah. That shit is fucking hilarious. See the way it fell over? And all that garbage fell out? Fuck yeah. Broooo that pizza box just blew onto the road. Know what would be real funny? If someone had to pick all that shit up. Haha, fucking idiots. I bet the garbage dudes are gunna be Read more...
Innovative Marine Biology Major Installs Fish Nets in Leith River, Catches Rare Selection of Billy Mav Cans
Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Finn Jameson has been looking for a way to make his name known in the competitive world of marine biology, and he might just have caught his big break. Jameson’s thesis was about whether or not the sheer volume of breatha garbage in the Leith was forcing the marine life in the area to grow Read more...
Entire Witchcraft 102 Class Disintegrates After Surprise Rain On Fieldtrip
Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
All students of Witchcraft 102: Hexes In Contemporary Society were reduced to ash after a shock shower last Thursday. “It’s an absolute tragedy. We had such a promising class of crones this year,” said the lecturer for the class, Ethel Turtleback. Miss Turtleback refused to Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 18
Posted 8:13pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The new moon left your relationship zone last week and it’s time to do some oversharing with acquaintances, strangers and work colleagues. This week’s crime: You let yourself down. It’s time to revenge porn yourself. Pisces Feb 19 - Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Kahlúa
Posted 8:08pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought to yourself ‘I want a very, very mediocre cappuccino’ (and can’t be bothered walking to Good Earth)? When the urge strikes, I go straight to Kahlúa. Kahlúa is a coffee flavoured liqueur, for those of you who are Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Molly Mae and Maura
Posted 8:04pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Molly Mae It all started two weeks ago when Critic posted that they Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Ear Piercing Pegger
Posted 8:01pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I had my bed against the wall of my flatmates room, and recently just got a girlfriend who is incredible in bed. Like dirty af, loves Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila
Posted 4:34am Friday 26th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
My dear readers, recently I found out some devastating news. Masterchef Australia has lost its three beautiful judges: George, Matt and Gary. For those of you that are fans of the beloved cooking show, this will come as a blow that may never be truly recovered from. With the weight of these Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Valliant Vomiter Vandalises Venue
Posted 1:24am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic
t was my 20th birthday. I was probably the most smashed I have ever been; to the point where I am legitimately surprised that I remembeIr this much. I went to town after a few too many brews (and far too many cones) with no ambition to go home with anyone, but once being introduced to this guy Read more...
Top 10 Reasons To Drink In Your 30s
Posted 1:09am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic
1. You watch your friends have kids and although you couldn't imagine anything worse, you start to realize the reason you don't want kids is because you grew up knowing that you were an annoying piece of shit that was a total hassle, so that's what kids mean to you now. 2. You hate Read more...
Mould Growing on Bathroom Ceiling Actually New Form of Cheese
Posted 6:02pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Fourth-year Human Nutrition student Emma Greenwood recently discovered that what she previously thought was deadly black mould is actually a delicious new form of cheese. She said, “My flatmate spilled a bottle of milk upstairs last semester, and we all kinda couldn’t be bothered to Read more...
Scarfie With Flaming Couch Tattoo Never Burned a Couch In His Life
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Third-year Biology student Thomas King has been showing off his latest tattoo, which depicts an iconic Otago University couch burning. However, new evidence has shown that King has never having actually burned a couch. Some have claimed that King’s tattoo is cultural appropriation, and that Read more...
First Year Philosophy Major Hospitalised After Thinking Too Hard
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Last Friday, first-year Philosophy student Chase Hughes had to be rushed to the emergency room after he contemplated so hard that his brain exploded. Hughes’s flatmates gathered the loose pieces of cranium in an old Domino’s box and carried him to the hospital. After 12 hours of Read more...
Local Cowboy Severely Misunderstood 'Barnes Dance' Crossing
Posted 6:00pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Otago based yeehaw cattleman Arthur Mustang arrived at one of the centre city Barnes Dance crossings last week expecting a barn dance. Mustang waited for an hour before double-checking the details of the barn dance he was expecting. Mustang said "Well I'll be! I was standing at that Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Elton and Freddie
Posted 5:49pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Elton When I found out that I was gonna get to be part of the Read more...
ODT Watch | The Five Stages of Encountering A Small Penis
Posted 5:20pm Friday 19th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
1. You see the tiny beast, and are in immediate mourning for your genitalia 2. He puts it in and your worst fears are confirmed. 3. After a few thrusts, you’re warming up to the action, maybe there’s potential Read more...
Dunedin Crumbles to Nothingness as Steepest Street Cruelly Snatched Away
Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
This morning the rats fled the city. They swept past old men sobbing in gutters, and young children staring vacantly into the distance. They swept down the disappointing gradient of the-street-formerly-known-as-the-steepest-street-in-the-world and past the Mayor as he pleaded with the Guinness Read more...
Top 10 (Naughtiest) Things Heard Through The Dunedin Museum Whisper Dish
Posted 5:05pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
1. A lady asking to speak to the manager because of the service she received, but it’s actually Harlene Hayne asking to speak to God. 2. “You and your sister need to cut it out. The neighbours are getting concerned." 3. Adolf Hitler’s speech to the Reichstag on 30 Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Riding the Hershey Highway
Posted 5:04pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
As a gay man, it is always known that there is some "risk" involved when someone wants to ride the Hershey highway. This story from a few years ago always haunts me back when I begun being a pretentious slut. I was browsing the guys on more then one app looking for someone to have some fun Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 16
Posted 5:02pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mercury retrograde is nearly over. Chahoo. Make the most of it by moving the furniture around in your room. Show off to your flatmates when you are finished. This week’s old wives’ wisdom: pull out that grey hair and 5 more are gonna grow back. Trust Read more...
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