Archive

Horoscope

Posted 4:34pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to assess your life choices, how did you end up this way? Cafe to try: Modaks Espresso    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Emotional attachment is scary. Learn how to deal with it.  Cafe to try: Buster Read more...

Editorial: Anybody wanna buy some data?

Posted 2:12pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Erin Gourley

I have learned more about you all than I ever could have hoped.  I know your age, year of study, major, whether you went straight from high school to uni, how prepared you felt starting uni, the most interesting paper you took, whether you work while you study, how much work impacts your Read more...

A Bit of Olive Oil

Posted 1:49pm Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Critic

I was desperate. After a large dry spell of bad sexual encounters, the only thing more down than my self-esteem was the flaccid dicks that had writhed limply in my mouth. It had been over a year without a dick entering my pussy and let me tell you it was not from a lack of trying.  Flash Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 1:47pm Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Alice Taylor

I am an advocate for potato in any form, but bangers and mash is one of my favorite ways to consume this glorious food. On countless occasions, I plan to cook this meal, then give up on the bangers and eat the mash by itself. I encourage you to cook the whole dish – it is utterly Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 1:40pm Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Keep focusing on yourself, trust your instincts, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, gorgeous.  Re Ori Activity: pint night    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Stop letting your emotional outbursts and overly critical tendencies ruin your Read more...

Local Produce: Glacé Accessories

Posted 1:33pm Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Annabelle Vaughan

During last year's Covid-19 lockdown, housebound people up and down the country got creative with their time. One of these people was Zhaqueal, a fourth-year dental technology student and owner of up and coming hair accessory business, Glacé.  Zhaqueal’s hair accessories Read more...

EDITORIAL | No singular person can fairly review the bars of Dunedin

Posted 10:40am Tuesday 13th July 2021 by Erin Gourley

AN OFFICE DIVIDED: We tried to review the bars of Dunedin and now several of our staff members are not on speaking terms. The opposing sides of this debate were immovable in their devotion to their favourite watering holes.  Initially, Culture Editor Annabelle Vaughan volunteered to write Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The River Thames

Posted 8:31pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Critic

I was fresh. Fresh to death some would say, and on my own in London. And when left alone in a new city in a different country, with extremely limited resources, what is one to do? Explore your sexuality with strangers!  Luckily a strange and suspiciously handsome man was willing to oblige. Read more...

Amazing! Child of Real-Life Medical Doctor Is Doing Health Sci

Posted 8:26pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

The rumours are true. A Critical Tribune investigation has found that the child of an actual, actively practicing medical doctor is doing health sci at Otago this year.  The child, which the Tribune has chosen not to name in order to preserve their privacy, said that until recently, she had Read more...

Touching! “Evil” Landlord Donates Generously To Charity, Proves Naysayers Wrong

Posted 8:25pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Who says landlords are pure evil? While some of our more extremist writers like to push this sensationalist, one-sided argument, in the pursuit of fairness and balance, the Tribune can EXCLUSIVELY reveal a landlord branded as “evil” and “fraudulent” actually has a real heart Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 8:20pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Time to Potluck I take potlucks so seriously that I do fear that I suck the fun and joy out of the process for everyone else. Tiramisu is the ultimate potluck meal. It is sweet, when most people bring savoury. You can make it in advance. You keep it in the fridge and don’t need to bake or Read more...

Booze Reviews | Vailima 6.7

Posted 8:18pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Chug Norris

Feeling drained, literally, by my Fizzliss experience last week, I decided to fortify my strength by returning to my origins: Beer. I went into Henry’s and picked up something called “Vailima.” The name alone intrigued me. Just in time for Samoan language week, I learned that Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 8:12pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Olivia Rodrigo’s entire new album being about her shitbag ex. Favourite Crime hits very diff. Name and shame baby x J Lo getting back with her ex after almost my entire lifetime. Usually I would never encourage that but it’s actually quite a beautiful love story.  The Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 8:07pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Were you silent, or were you silenced? Tabloid scandal to revisit: Going to rehab    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 You need an ego check. Tabloid scandal to revisit: The Crown killed Diana    Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Tis the Read more...

Local Produce: Hot Sauce Club

Posted 7:59pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Sean Gourley

Image credit: Rosa Nevison Hot Sauce Club are a recent band on the Dunedin scene. They’ve taken Dunedin by storm with a continuous series of gigs since their venue debut at Starters. Their Spotify is still in the pipes at the moment but check out their Insta @hotsauceclub. The band consists Read more...

EDITORIAL | I’m very tempted to make Critic this TRASHY all the time

Posted 3:23pm Sunday 30th May 2021 by Erin Gourley

Howdy folks and welcome to the Critic Tabloid issue! Oh boy, oh boy, do we have some salacious stories for you in this one! We’ve finally lost all sense of direction and become an actual rag! We’ve filled this bad boy right to the brim with some piping hot scoops that were legally Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Double Dipping

Posted 1:03am Monday 24th May 2021 by Critic

Back in the innocent days of my youth (i.e. early 2020, before the world went to shit) I decided that I was going to spend my year overseas. However, I had one last conquest to tick off before I did so. Under the ruse of coming back to see my friends for one last hoorah, I arrived in Dunedin with a Read more...

Guy Buys Girlfriend Incorrect Tampons, Hailed By The Boys As Hero

Posted 1:01am Monday 24th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Davo was recently the talk of the town after actually nipping up to Gardens New World to buy his girlfriend sanitary products. “What a good guy,” said his mate Freddy. “So brave”, said Jono, nodding in agreement. Davo told the Tribune that on the way back from picking up Read more...

Flatmate Hasn’t Cleaned Mooncup in Two Years

Posted 1:00am Monday 24th May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

“Bro she just keeps leaving it on the pile of dishes like she expects us to wash it,” said one disgruntled breatha. “Like, what does she think we are, a cleaning service?”  The bleeder’s menstrual cup is a purple, latex design that she describes as Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 12:59am Monday 24th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

M&M Cookies    I find that cookies are a solution to most of life’s tough problems. Is your friend heartbroken? Bake them cookies. Are you stressed? Bake yourself cookies? Friend’s birthday, but you’re poor? Cookies. Need to say sorry? Cookies. To conclude this Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 12:53am Monday 24th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate Menstrual cups. Very cool and environmentally friendly and they’re way easier to insert than they look.  Period sex. Chuck a towel down and get amongst it fellas. Getting your period just when you’re about to head to the Albany St Pharmacy for a pregnancy test. A Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 12:49am Monday 24th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 With exams approaching, you may need to work on your attention span.  This week’s craving: a whole bag of twisties   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Time to snuggle up, cry and shut yourself out from the world.  This week’s craving: Read more...

Library Fine CDOs the Future of University Financial Strategy

Posted 4:46pm Wednesday 19th May 2021 by Critic

In a stroke of genius, the University of Otago has bundled individual outstanding library fines, referred to as book-backed securities (BS), into collateralised debt obligations (CDOs) made up of thousands of outstanding fines. It is rumoured that the promising financial strategy was adopted in Read more...

Local Man Talks Back To Mechanic, Becomes New Alpha Male

Posted 4:45pm Wednesday 19th May 2021 by Critic

In what was hailed as a world-first, a Dunedin man has successfully challenged his mechanic for the coveted position of alpha male. It began when Rob noticed the automatic transmission on his beloved 2011 Volkswagen Golf was beginning to shift oddly. He took it to Mike’s Mechanics down the Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Gym-buddies With Benefits

Posted 5:14pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Critic

I had never been much of a gym girl. I did the occasional squats, cardio, dumbbells and all that jazz, but I’d never fully committed. So, one day, I thought I’d finally start working towards my lifelong goal of becoming as buff as Korra. This entailed getting a gym membership that I Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 5:12pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Bacon, Broccoli and Pea Risotto  This is my go-to recipe for when I don’t want to wash up lots of pots and pans. It’s simple, it’s delicious, and everyone loves it. My favourite thing to do with a risotto is to add camembert or brie cheese. I know it sounds a bit weird, but Read more...

Woodstock Bourbon and Cola Raspberry Edition

Posted 5:10pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Chug Norris

Woodstock Raspberry tastes like if a Liquorice Allsort and a rat had a kid. It tastes like a raspberry bun except instead of filling it with jam, they filled with regurgitated Billy Mavs. It tastes like a Razor Scooter to the ankle. It tastes like binge drinking on a dark field when you’re 16. Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 5:07pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate: People putting a fuckton of rubbish on their lawns in protest of the Uni’s 1984 vibes. The Proctor can’t fine us all, or can he?? Getting breathas at the bar at pint night to choose my drink for me. Speights is NOT good and I don’t care that I’m from Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 5:03pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Learn to stand up for yourself, doormat. Good deed for the week: Picking up rubbish    Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 In the coming week you’re going to catch feelings. Stop before you start.  Good deed for the week: Doing your Read more...

EDITORIAL: Let Scrumpy hands die

Posted 3:36pm Sunday 16th May 2021 by Erin Gourley

There, there. It’s over now. You can relax. No more shall the threat of scrumpy hands plague these streets. No more shall students walk the streets in fear of the next red card where they will be forced to drink two bottles of the worst form of alcohol imaginable. Scrumpy hands is no more. Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Like a Chainsaw

Posted 4:21pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Critic

I had a lot of questions when I first came into the possession of some anal beads, courtesy of Critic for some prior raunchy content. I had delved into a bit of butt stuff before but nothing much more than a thumb up the bum or a weak and dissatisfying attempt at anal. This gift had my senses piqued Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 4:19pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Sasha Freeman

Rate:  The theory that Epstein DIDN’T kill himself. That’s not even a conspiracy theory at this point it just simply was a cover up by rich American child sex traffickers. The JonBenét Ramsay theory: I am fairly certain that it was the brother and the parents covered it Read more...

Fuck, I’m Cold!

Posted 4:17pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Congratulations my friends, we have unofficially descended into Dunedin’s bone-chilling winter. As I struggle to come to terms with this reality, I have been comforting my soul with this Potato and Leek Soup. This recipe is perfect for those chilly days, and it won’t break the bank Read more...

Booze Reviews | Soju

Posted 4:14pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Chug Norris

Following in the footsteps of Marco Polo I embarked on a tasting of the Korean spirit soju. Originally brewed as a pure spirit, soju now comes in a range of fruit flavours. I selected three flavours from the Chateul Soorok brand for consideration. I’ll be honest I had never even heard of Soju Read more...

Horoscope

Posted 4:11pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Vape juice isn’t a substitute for serotonin.  Coping mechanism: Therapy  Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Keep having low standards, it’s only up from here.  Coping mechanism: Maladaptive daydreaming   Aries Mar 21 - Apr Read more...

EDITORIAL: Please listen to me

Posted 2:15pm Sunday 9th May 2021 by Erin Gourley

A few years ago it would have been weirD to create an entire issue about conspiracies. They weren’t that relevant. If you said conspiracies, people didn’t think of vaccines or 5G, they thought of JFK and the moon landing. It was a simpler time. These fun little conspiracies didn’t Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | The Wrong Kind of Bang

Posted 8:29pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

This boy was very cute. French, got the curls, six foot tall, eight inches, the whole package. We were a few dates in by this point, feeling each other out but not quite feeling each other up yet. This bitch was getting horny. One Friday night we decided to get dressed up and go to town. We chatted, Read more...

Dear Critic...

Posted 8:27pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

Dear Critic, I just hope he reads this. To the boy I slept with at Hyde: I have Chlamydia. I’m sorry. You had brown hair, a fade, and were wearing a vest and button-up combo as part of your Peaky Blinders fit. You were drinking Major Major. I think your name was James? I’m not sure. Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 8:25pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Critic

I am literally just saying songs I rate and hate and why. I am not capable of complex thought at this time x   Rate Cellophane by FKA Twigs. I really rate that song and its massive sad indie girl vibes. Slumber Party by Ashnikko ft. Princess Nokia. My flatmate and I learned the Read more...

Fuck, I Have Scurvy!

Posted 8:17pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Alice Taylor

Veggie Fajitas (to help you avoid scurvy) Though I am a passionate advocate for beige food, I am also passionately against scurvy, that terrible thing my mother threatened I would get if I didn’t eat my peas for dinner. If you feel like it is time to be kind to that beautiful body of yours, Read more...

Booze Reviews | Peronis: Living the High Life

Posted 8:08pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Chug Norris

Italians either succeed at something completely, or they fail at it miserably. Ferraris and World War II are some prime examples of these extremes. Peronis are something that they managed to get right. They are a perfect beer for demonstrating to your peers that you are sophisticated yet down to Read more...

Otago’s New Vice-Chancellor Revealed

Posted 8:01pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Following months of speculation, the Uni’s newest Vice-Chancellor has been named as AirFryer PROMAX-XL®. It is Otago’s first Vice-Chancellor of Chinese origin, the first to be a kitchen appliance, and the second soulless machine to hold the position.  The appointment was Read more...

Other Students Fascinated, Dazzled, and In a General State of Awe That You Know the DJ

Posted 7:59pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by The Critical Tribune

Students were overwhelmed with Fanzi Pance’s knowledge of local music when, last Saturday night, he proudly informed the people of Catacombs that he knew the DJ. “I’ve never met someone who knows a DJ before,” gushed Jessica, who had consumed two blueberry cruisers that Read more...

EDITORIAL: Tell the Uni where they can stick their rubbish fines

Posted 3:41pm Sunday 2nd May 2021 by Erin Gourley

Yeah, that’s right, I’m the Proctor and I will impose a daily fine on you if you don’t clean up the rubbish and broken glass outside your flat.  That’s what could happen if you don’t submit against the University’s proposed changes to the Code of Conduct. Read more...

Moaningful Confessions | Yanking My Christmas Cracker

Posted 9:58pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

It's December, 2020, and I'm finally back home for Christmas break. With everyone stuck in one small house again (parents, siblings, pets, neighbours coming round), it gets pretty suffocating and sexually frustrating pretty quick. Lucky for me, I have a lad on call with a car. So, Read more...

Dear Critic...

Posted 9:55pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

Dear Critic, Last week I wrote in about a wasp’s nest and you suggested that you could soak it in petrol to get them to move out. Well, the tradies next door got the petrol out of the lawn mower and soaked it, but they ignited it, so now there's a smoldering wasp nest and a swarm of Read more...

Rate or Hate

Posted 9:53pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Critic

Rate Students who have never once made it to an 8am lecture getting up at 5.30 to start drinking. That’s on priorities.  Boys hitting hyde wearing Peaky Blinders costumes. To the people who reused your teletubby halloween costumes from 2016, step up your game x  The North D Read more...

Fuck, I Can’t Cook!

Posted 9:50pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Alice Taylor

Crazy for Katsu If I was to tally all the money I have spent on food in the last four years, a substantial portion would have been spent on my dearest fried chicken. I do not regret a single cent I have spent on this glorious food, but it was wise to learn how to make it myself. This recipe is Read more...

Booze Reviews | Major Major

Posted 9:40pm Monday 26th April 2021 by Chug Norris

In my extremely shit-faced attempts to find something newsworthy at Hyde I came across a dude pissing against a wall and holding a Major Major. I asked him what he thought of his beverage and he told me: “Bloody good, tastes just like apple-juice.”  That is an excellent summary Read more...

All “Young People on the Property Ladder” Actually Just One Landlord

Posted 9:37pm Monday 26th April 2021 by The Critical Tribune

In a shocking exposé, it has been revealed that all media stories about young people buying houses were faked. A fraudulent Dunedin landlord was hired by the New Zealand Property Investors’ Federation to impersonate young Kiwis buying their first home by putting on a range of Read more...