Archive
Parents Bribed Uni to Stop Students from Returning Home: OIA
Posted 3:53pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
The email from Otago suggesting Health Sci students who went home were “gambling with their academic futures” was a result of pressure, begging, and bribery from parents, according to emails released to the Critical Tribune. In an email that caused stress for many students wishing to Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 3:49pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Making a lockdown bingo with your flatties since you all know each other FAR too intimately now (e.g. Niamh asks how to spell something). Going for a run, it’s such an event. I do my eyeliner for that shit these days. Beer pong practice, those sexy breathas won’t know Read more...
Booze Reviews | White Wine
Posted 3:47pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Chug Norris
Now of course, white wine is a pretty broad category. But there’s a reason I’m not distinguishing sauvignon wanc and presling. There is simply no way I am going to review every slight fucking variation of white wine especially considering that there are hundreds of wineries for each Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 3:43pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Times are tough. You’re probably bored out of your brains at home. Try watching all your lectures and keep on top of things over lockdown so the workload doesn’t pile up. Lockdown activity: studying with lofi beats Pisces Feb Read more...
EDITORIAL | An ode to Singstar, the very best lockdown activity
Posted 1:20pm Sunday 5th September 2021 by Erin Gourley
Lockdown boredom takes you to some weird places. You cry at TV shows, get emotional about your no-stakes game of poker, learn how to play field hockey and hurt your back. I know of just one game that involves no pain, only fun and bad singing: Singstar. Singstar is the perfect lockdown activity Read more...
Crossword (Issue 20)
Posted 1:26pm Monday 23rd August 2021 by Ciara White
Scroll down for the crossword from our current issue. Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Juicy Stuff in a Juicy Van
Posted 4:30pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Critic
This story begins with a weekend trip to Queenstown with the girls. Drinking? Yes. Lines in town which are shorter than two hours? Yes. Hitting the slopes while we’re at it? Big yes. Half a bottle of fireball and a full face of makeup later, we find our way to town. By this point, Read more...
Breather Develops New Pull-Tab Method to Open Cans
Posted 4:27pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
A local breatha, Devan, has after years of experimentation reached a breakthrough in accessing the liquid contents of RTDs. By pulling the tab on the top of the can, a hole is opened which allows convenient sipping without any mess or unnecessary brain injuries. Until just one week ago, Read more...
Dunedin Hospital Moves Geriatric Ward To Face Hayward College
Posted 4:26pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Following complaints from Dunedin Hospital’s children’s ward about seeing “certain naked activities at night” from Hayward College across the road, the Hospital has stumbled upon a win-win situation: moving the geriatric ward to face the hall of residence instead. Dr. Burt Read more...
Horny Singles in your Area Still Ready to Mingle, Despite Level 4 Protocol
Posted 4:25pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Critic can confirm that the plethora of lonely MILF’s advertised by sketchy websties are still “seeking company” in these trying times. Apparently unaware of, or at least willfully ignorant of, the lockdown procedure, these charming ladies have not backed down from Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 4:23pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Alice Taylor
Falafel I was inspired to publish this recipe for two reasons. Firstly, while I am a proud and devoted lover of cheese and carbs, I realised that the majority of my most recent recipes were incredibly beige, creamy and cheesy. And secondly, lunch is by far my least favorite meal to make. Read more...
Hardcover Novel in Student Flat Hopeful of Finally Being Read
Posted 4:19pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
A hardcover copy of “The Luminaries”, which has been gathering dust in a shady corner of a Dundas Street flat, is optimistic that it will finally be read over the lockdown period. The 2020 edition of Eleanor Catton’s book was purchased as a Christmas gift last year, by the Read more...
Booze Reviews | Speight's
Posted 4:16pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by @stassielijoshbeer
If you’re sick of the average chat of our weekly booze review and want to see some serious reviews of more quality beers, then check out @stassielijoshbeer on instagram. They are three flatmates who have committed to doing in-depth reviews of a bunch of NZ crafties. Just to fuck with them, Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 4:13pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to give yourself a pat on the back. It’s nearly the end of the year, and you’ve made it this far. Keep pushing onwards my Aquarians xx Habit to break: procrastination Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’ve never Read more...
EDITORIAL: Lock-a-down-a! Here we go again
Posted 1:57pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Erin Gourley
Lots of déjà vu around at the moment. I’ve barely processed the snap lockdown. Three days feels short, like a nice break, but it looks like it will be longer than that. Time is already starting to do that stretchy thing it does when all the days are the same. I’m writing Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Is the gag reflex mental? No, here’s the proof
Posted 2:39pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Critic
I had moved into a flat after living with my ex whose name for the story shall be Luke. My flattie and I were downing gin and juice while playing board games having a grand ol’ time. Once she carked it in bed, I thought “this is a perfect opportunity to sneak around to my ex’s Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 2:36pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Alice Taylor
Nutella Bread and Butter Pudding (AKA Baked French Toast) This pudding is easy and cheap. If you don’t have too much experience baking, it’s a great place to start. It is exceptionally difficult to fuck up, because it is literally white bread smothered in Nutella and soaked in Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 2:32pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time to give yourself a pat on the back. It’s nearly the end of the year, and you’ve made it this far. Keep pushing onwards my Aquarians xx Habit to break: procrastination Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 I’ve never met a Read more...
Rate or Hate: Art Edition
Posted 2:21pm Monday 16th August 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Interpretive dance. I’m not being ironic, I literally rate that shit as art. That ‘Norman For You’ episode called Dumb Starbucks that people thought might be a Banksy installation before the episode aired. The girl flatmates’ art and wine nights. I Read more...
Editorial: I admit it, we slept on Konya Kebabs
Posted 6:12pm Sunday 15th August 2021 by Erin Gourley
Last week we were inundated with criticism for an article. No, it wasn’t the investigation into neo-Nazis. It was the kebab review. As soon as it was posted on Facebook the comments started. The people were angry. They said, amongst other things: “WHERE IS Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Sandy Cheeks
Posted 2:39am Monday 9th August 2021 by Critic
Once upon a summer's day, a beautiful princess was finishing her last exam. Her (not really) Prince Charming was waiting outside the exam room with a cup of tea, a packed lunch and his noble steed, a Toyota people-mover with amazing fuel economy. It had been a couple of lonely days with the exam Read more...
Fresher Denies Kissing His Mother
Posted 2:37am Monday 9th August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Ethan, a fresher at UniCol, has insisted that he “didn’t even” get a kiss from his mum as she was saying goodbye after a recent visit. Ethan’s parents were down from Auckland on a business trip and “just thought they’d pop by and see how Ethan was Read more...
City Councillor Encourages Wholesome, Old-Timey Kids Activities
Posted 2:36am Monday 9th August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Firebrand councillor Pete No-Fun voiced stern opposition to a planned multi-million dollar kids playground today, saying that it was a waste of money and that he didn’t need a large, elaborate playground to have a perfectly happy, fulfilling childhood. He spoke up after Mayor A.A. Ron Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 2:33am Monday 9th August 2021 by Alice Taylor
Macaroni and Cheese Few things in life are as good as a bowl of carbohydrate drenched in creamy, cheese laden sauce. Some people like to add veggies to their mac and cheese, and look, I will not judge you if you do that. You are free to make your mac and cheese as you wish. In my opinion though, Read more...
Booze Reviews | NZ Lager
Posted 2:32am Monday 9th August 2021 by Chug Norris
NZ lager is without a doubt one of the most reliable drinks in Aotearoa. Like a plank of four by two, a per capita medal tally, and a piece of number eight wire, it represents the robust, old NZ that may still exist but has been obscured by metropolitan ideals. The can is black, the colour of the Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 2:30am Monday 9th August 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Bringing eye drops with you to town, no one needs to know. My family dog not dying (at time of writing, I will update next week). Pushing in the pint night line because you “know someone”. My new best friend happens to be just before those metal dividers. Walking home Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 2:18am Monday 9th August 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 It’s time for your annual breakdown. Make sure you schedule in extra self-care this week. Start using more post-it notes to organise your life. Workout to try: running Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Do some fucking study for God’s Read more...
GUEST EDITORIAL: I spent six months undercover in a neo-Nazi group and it was not fun
Posted 12:45am Monday 9th August 2021 by Elliot Weir
The only funny moment throughout this investigation was on a hike undercover, when three members of Action Zealandia were captivated by an impressive rainbow stretched out across the Wellington skyline. They insisted that, because it had seven colours rather than six, it was “God’s Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Requires A-cyst-ance
Posted 6:46pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Critic
Journey back with me to fresher year. I’d heard about the joy of living next to a Uni campus and shoving Tinder on less than 2km, but I was yet to experience it first-hand until that fateful night. It was exam season so I was ready for some classic D-stressing. After a few slightly above Read more...
BCom Student Reckons Weekly Ski Trips Help You Study
Posted 6:40pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Toby Tremain, a BCom student at Otago, has made waves with his bold claims that weekly ski trips help rather than hinder your grades. “Yeah look mate, it’s all about balance isn’t it,” he yelled at the Critical Tribune’s sole reporter out the window of OUSA’s Read more...
Dunedin Shitposter Lives Perfectly Wholesome, Balanced Life
Posted 6:39pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by The Critical Tribune
A Dunedin shitposter has revealed the secret to his page’s consistently on-point humour: healthy living. Tane is the admin of “gear up buttercup,” whose posts about the little everyday struggles of life are beloved by his 23,185 Facebook followers. What few of those Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 6:33pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Alice Taylor
I love granola, but I certainly do not love the price of the store bought stuff. The good granola costs about $2 per seed, and that simply is not okay. So instead, I buy my ingredients in bulk and make it at home. This is the basic recipe, but you can mix it up with whatever nuts and seeds you Read more...
Guest Edition Booze Review: Water
Posted 6:30pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Bert "Diggity Dog" Dangerfield
Salutations, it’s your old mate Bert Dangerfield (Ex Regional Worksafe Co-Coordinator Southern Southland Region) here to talk to you about the elixir of youth. Did you know that multiple studies have consistently shown that there is no safe level of alcohol consumption? Alcohol has Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 5:38pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate My friend who suddenly cares about the Olympics because she wants to root one of the NZ swimmers. Go queen!! He is probably in a dry spell with those cardboard beds. Watching breathas get upset on their Instagram stories when Kanye predictably delayed his album, great Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 5:37pm Sunday 1st August 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Stop taking unjustified risks. It’s not funny, it’s just stupid. Hobby to try: sobriety Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Don’t let the imposter syndrome bring you down. You got this. Hobby to try: Read more...
Editorial: The Google game is the best part of the Olympics
Posted 1:21am Saturday 31st July 2021 by Erin Gourley
The Olympics are great. I love being distracted from my life by watching people who are more motivated than me and hotter than me do pointless tasks. But the Google game that they’ve created for the Olympics? It’s even better than the real thing. At first I was confused. It seemed Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Derry Dick
Posted 6:05pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Critic
It was a typical evening on Grindr. Not much was happening. I was being sent a few unsolicited dick pics y'know, just the standard scrolling and sending boring messages. My ex had broken up with me recently, so at this stage of my life I was near rock bottom. I started talking to a Read more...
Third-Year Blames Freshers For Illness, Not Week of Binge Drinking
Posted 6:03pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Logan, a third year student studying geography, has come to the conclusion the Fresher Flu, spread by first-years, is to blame for his current cough and runny nose. He has been on a bender for five days but he insists that this is unrelated to his current illness. “My immune system is Read more...
GRFT101 Is The First Ever Tertiary-Level Grifting Course
Posted 6:02pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Otago Universe-City LTD has released a new product to the North Dunedin market. The limited liability company said in a press release that it was “excited” and “thrilled” to be offering the southern hemisphere’s first class on grifting as a first step in establishing Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 6:00pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Alice Taylor
Like most good things in life, cooking lasagne takes time, effort and emotional energy. But it is well worth it. If you feel like devoting a few hours into making something quite extraordinary, then I encourage you to cook this recipe. I have intentionally made this lasagne quite large because if Read more...
Kingfisher Lager
Posted 5:57pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Chug Norris
I consumed Kingfisher after an incredibly dusty Thursday in Re-O Week. As I perused the selection at Leith Liquor, I could think only of the inevitable pain that another box would bring me, and the horrors of Dunedin drinking culture which had led me to this point. I had only tried Kingfisher once Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 5:54pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Making out. I think it’s a dead romance! I love just lazily making out with someone all morning. Beautiful stuff. People who ASK if they can choke you. WAY better than just randomly being near-suffocated in the Subs bathrooms with no warning. Those boxers that have a little Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 5:52pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re O might be over, but don’t let that stop you. Have a few cheeky ones this week at Pint Night. Sex tip: root and scoot Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Sex tip: loosen up in the bedroom Aries Mar Read more...
EDITORIAL: Porn has fucked us up
Posted 3:14pm Sunday 25th July 2021 by Erin Gourley
CW: Choking, violence, sex Porn has fucked us up. By us, I mean specifically Gen Z and younger Millennials, i.e most of us who are at University right now. I wasn’t worried about this a week ago but now I am. This week, I wrote a feature about how normal choking during sex has Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | A Spicy Night
Posted 4:45pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Critic
Every Sunday night, my boyfriend and I have a customary hot wings night. We believe in the ring of fire creating wings, nothing mild. These wings would emit enough heat to toast several bags of marshmallows. After devouring what some would call the absolute mother of all wings, leaving our lips Read more...
Student Excited To Stop Hiding True Self From Parents After Holidays
Posted 4:44pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Many students dread the end of the uni holidays, but for Otago dentistry student Paul Zhang, it cannot come soon enough. A fortnight of trying to suppress his newfound work-hard, play-hard attitude and his increasingly liberal sociopolitical attitudes from those he grew up with has really Read more...
Fresher Finally Meets Someone From Mosgiel
Posted 4:43pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Mosgiel is a place that many people have only heard about, but UniCol fresher Aimee Fredericks was lucky enough to meet someone hailing from just west of Dunedin at a party in Re-O. “I’d only ever heard about the Mosgiel sign on the news!” she said. “The first time I drove Read more...
Fuck, I Can’t Cook!
Posted 4:41pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Alice Taylor
Creamy Thai Carrot and Coconut Soup This recipe is inspired by the most delicious carrot soup that my flatmate cooks. I love to make it at the start of the week, freeze it in ziplock bags, and then I have lunch ready to go whenever I need it. I have not cooked pumpkin soup since I made Read more...
Greenhill Lime and Elderflower Seltzers
Posted 4:38pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Chug Norris
When I consumed the Greenhill Seltzers I was struck by divine inspiration. It all began when I heard a knock on the door late one afternoon. Opening the door there was no one around, but before me lay a baby perched on the doorstep of my flat. Its cradle was illuminated by a ray of golden light that Read more...
Rate or Hate
Posted 4:36pm Sunday 18th July 2021 by Sasha Freeman
Rate Dropping out of uni and buying a season pass to the ski fields, sorry Mum. Full year papers having no first sem exams. Sorry to my flatties who had to watch me get otp since May. The new Vice-Chancellor being called Dave. Just saying no one has seen him and David Schwimmer in the Read more...
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