Archive

ODT Watch | Issue 24

Posted 5:09pm Sunday 22nd September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

The ODT came out this week with some very bold claims. The ODT have clearly never seen an episode of Ihor Macijiwsky’s Canadian reality television series Mantracker. Or gotten their period after having unprotected sex.   Next up, the ODT was back it with one of their classic Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 24

Posted 8:48pm Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     It all started with a feeling of impending doom post that fucker of a Chem 191 midterm, and the fact that I’m in first year health sci and Read more...

Booze Review Writer goes Straight Edge, Reviews Smug Sense of Superiority Each Week

Posted 11:06am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Swilliam Shakesbeer, Critic’s resident booze reviewer, has recently announced that they have completely cut out all drugs and alcohol. “I just feel so much healthier, you know,” Swilliam wrote in their latest column. When Critic Editor Charlie O’Mannin approached Swilliam Read more...

Film Student Really Wants You to Understand Tarantino Like He Does

Posted 11:05am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago Media Film and Communications student, Jordan Fleming, maintains Tarantino is the best director of all time (although says Stanley Kubrick is a close second). He asks if you would like to come around on Friday night and watch Kill Bill with him so he can explain every frame to you. “With Read more...

Student Votes in OUSA Election, Realises They Matched With All Presidential Candidates on Tinder

Posted 10:54am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Third-year student, Anna Brown, felt as if she already knew the OUSA presidential candidates, despite never meeting them. Upon reading their bios in last week’s Critic, as well as seeing their faces smeared over social media, Anna couldn’t help but shake the familiar feeling she got from Read more...

Radio One Golden Ticket Found Hidden Inside Stack of Volunteer Forms

Posted 10:54am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

It turns out that Radio One’s golden ticket giveaway campaign may have been a ploy to attract a new batch of volunteers after last week the ticket was found hidden under a freshly printed stack of volunteer application forms. Barry Huntly, a second-year Business student, was the latest Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 24

Posted 10:43am Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Things are weighing heavy on your mind this week, Aquarius. If you stick a finger far enough up your nose you’ll be able to pull out some brain matter and ease the pressure. This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Karma’s a bitch but she Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Coruba and Cola

Posted 10:35am Friday 20th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Coruba & Cola is far too sweet. The word “cola” should tip you off - no one uses that word unless forced – and the result is a sugary jizz concoction that would leave Barry B. Benson ashamed and with a sticky lower stomach. Quick, someone grab the tissues before mum gets home. Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Kate and Leo

Posted 10:33am Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.       Kate Dunedin is terribly small. At first, I was Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 23

Posted 1:03am Friday 13th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

Let’s start this week with a classic ol’ ODT pun   Yeah it’s about a toilet that’s doing well. How did you guess?   Then ODT hit us hard with the facts     We move on to my favourite section of the ODT, the “Ask a Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 23

Posted 12:36am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Jupiter position in relation to Mercury means if they have a Hilux, run. This week’s repressed memory: James Charles’ leaked nudes.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Have pre-marital sex this week and you are going straight to hell, except if you Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Chad and Avril

Posted 12:31am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year.     Chad It was a cold night in Breatherville when I applied to do Read more...

Top 10 Reasons to Listen to Radio One 91FM by Radio One 91FM Staff

Posted 12:05am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic

We play good music We give away free stuff There's a cool dog called Charlie We have better scoops than Rob Roy Your mates probably host a show and you’ve been lying about listening for too long. Tom Tremewan and Henessey Griffiths work there, and they definitely didn’t Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Virtual Vikings and Vixens

Posted 12:04am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     This one’s a different one than usual but hear me out. This happened sometime 2016-2017, where a young fresh eyed undergrad me in his time not Read more...

Teenager in Polo Cap and Oversized Vintage Tee to Headline Laneway 2020

Posted 11:51pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Laneway’s recent 2020 line up announcement has declared local Auckland talent, Josh Smith (not that Josh Smith) as headliner for this year’s event. A so-called ‘man of the people’ Josh looks forward to playing Mac DeMarco’s Spotify radio algorithm from his decks while Read more...

Wearing Speed Dealer Glasses at Drinking Events Scientifically Proven As a Great Personality Replacement

Posted 11:50pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a recent study undertaken by the University of Otago Psychology Department, participants with a profound lack of personality were found to be liked more by others when wearing quirky shades. This finding was not to the surprise of students interviewed, with one student saying, “that kient Read more...

Lecturer Wasted on Holiday in Queenstown Freezes in Fear Upon Seeing Students

Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Microbiology lecturer, Sarah Doctorindahouse, was minding her own business getting completely written off on holiday when she spied some of her students peering over at her in the club. "I just wanted to get fucked up on MDMA on a well-deserved break, but now these cunts are going to be Read more...

Local Student Gives One of Dunedin’s Walking Tracks a Go, Cures Depression

Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

George West, Law and Philosophy student, had tried everything to cure his seasonal depression. He just thought that he was pushing through it when James Heath announced that he was not running for 2020 OUSA president, making him hit an all time low. “I just didn’t know how to snap out of Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Bell's Scotch

Posted 11:41pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Bell’s Scotch is an alcohol that should have died with the dinosaurs; the meteorite was close, but not close enough. Scotch is also, coincidentally, the postgrad drink of choice. Perhaps they’ve had so many bad nights with vodka, gin and rum that after a few years of drinking this is Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 22

Posted 10:17pm Sunday 8th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

  University of Otago Marine Biology postgraduates have reportedly been working on a classified project involving local seal populations. Seems seals struggle to save sufficient serotonin to cite circumspection.       After weeks of lying to himself about Read more...

Wow! Impressive Local Boy Jumps Up and Touches Hanging Shop Sign on George Street

Posted 11:48pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Crowds of women swoon and fan themselves with ‘kerchiefs as local student Josh Cunnings takes a running leap down George Street, reaching up to slap the Yaks n Yeti’s sign as he does. “He’s so above average in height,” sighed one girl, gazing after Josh as he Read more...

Clocktower Goblin Made Redundant as University Updates to Automated Bells

Posted 11:47pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago University’s resident hunchback finds himself newly unemployed as the proctor installs an automated striking clock system, rendering Bogdan Bogusław’s hourly bell ringing obsolete. For the last 89 years, Bogdan has faithfully squatted behind the clock face, pulling the Read more...

Local Goth Pleased to Find They’re Accidentally Supporting Thursdays in Black

Posted 11:46pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Let me get this straight,” said Dunedin goth Jonathan “Blood Dread” Brown. “All I’ve got to do to show my support for survivors of sexual violence is to wear black one day a week? I’ve been wearing black every day since I was 13 and heard Green Day for the Read more...

Study: Flatmate’s Dishes Date Back to the Neolithic Era

Posted 11:45pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In groundbreaking new research, local Archaeology student Penny Tration has successfully dated her flatmate's dishes back to the early Neolithic. “By observing the remains of homo flatematus we can learn valuable things about their habits and lifestyle. For example, prior to this study Read more...

Top 10 Māori Songs You WIll 238% Hear At Māori Parties

Posted 11:44pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Whakatō te Kākano – Mauri Ka Mānu – Bella Kalolo, Maisey Rika, Majic, Ria Hall, Rob Ruha, Seth Haapu, Troy Kingi, The Witch Dr. Whangai Aroha (DWFI – Māori) – Tomorrow People Whakahonohono Mai – 1814 He Rangi Ataahua – Te Reotakiwa Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | The British Brunette in Bali

Posted 11:05pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     On the way home from one of my frequent trips to Indonesia, my friends were travelling on to a different country and I had about 8 hours to kill between Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 22

Posted 10:57pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Don’t forget to wash your bits. This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10401685/   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Mum always told you that you’d find the person you’d marry at uni, but it’s Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Great White Shark

Posted 10:35pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

I’m not sure if making a non-sweet RTD is an incredible idea, doomed to fail or both. Great White Sharks tastes like liquidised celery, which is not something I ever particularly wanted to try, but then again I’ve sucked your dad’s dick. Guess which one is more sticky when it pours Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Sharon and Ozzy

Posted 10:33pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Sharon Running late from dying my hair blue and my hands looking Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 21

Posted 5:26pm Sunday 1st September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT had a series of ethical dilemmas. First, the age old question: And then an enigma for the modern age,   Always go potatoes. Property is nothing but trouble.   The ODT have a brave new marketing strategy… The ODT are notorious for being Read more...

Some Old Guy in Lecture Theatre Won’t Stop Mansplaining

Posted 11:02pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Look at him, standing at the front of the class, mansplaining about physics from a PowerPoint slide. What a twat. Calls himself a “professor” or “doctor” or “lecturer” or something, like I’d give gosh darn hookin-dooky. He’s going on about something Read more...

Lad Wearing Shorts in Winter; a Harrowing Statement about Climate Change

Posted 11:01pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

William Maverick of Leith Street isn’t just wearing booty shorts in winter to show off those toned, sinewy, powerful, sexy rugby-player calves. He doesn’t need to prove himself as a man by eschewing trousers, nor is he swayed by the ridicule and emasculation of his flatties (ha ha Read more...

Finally, a Safe Space for the Straight’s

Posted 10:59pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The Dunedin heterosexual community rejoices as last week the “e” on the Alley Cantina sign fell off, rendering the establishment an exclusive venue where the Straights in SLGBT+ can live their truth. “It’s great having a place just for us,” said one staunchly male Read more...

Lecturer Can’t Be Fucked Disguising Real Personality Any Longer Once You Hit 4th Year

Posted 10:54pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yesterday, local Chemistry lecturer, Dr Steven Marks, let out a long sigh of exasperation as a 400-level student struggled to recall the value of RT. Initially panicking, he relaxed when he realised it was only a postgrad class of eight students and he could give up the nice “eager to Read more...

Top 10 Things You Could Have Done Over Mid-Semester Break if Your Life Was More Together

Posted 10:46pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

1. Masturbate. For the entire time. 2. Catch up on those assignments you've been avoiding. 3. Catch up on all of that weed you could have been smoking. 4. Snoop through your flatmates’ bedrooms while they're at home for the week. 5. Roam around campus. Soak in the Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Room

Posted 10:45pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     To set the scene. I had installed Tinder and had trouble building momentum for the first few weeks. All the guys seemed to be the same breather, dropping Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 21

Posted 10:30pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Stand in the lounge facing the flatmate you hate the most. Hold your hands up, make them mirror your actions. Start weeping, break the distance, hold them close. This week’s lunchbox trade: Blue Moosie   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 No wonder Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon’s Gin and Tonic

Posted 10:24pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

There’re times in one’s life when you just have to say "fuck it" and drink G&T in a can. For those who are experiencing the bleakness of life’s existence, just drink Gordon’s Gin and Tonic RTD 12-pack and get it over with. For me, a G&T is what I drink when Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Aristotle and Plato

Posted 10:14pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Aristotle My night started off with my two (female) friends blasting Read more...

Top 10 Most Kissable Animals

Posted 11:04pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Moray eels. Swoon! There’s a reason their name sounds like the Latin word for “love”. What’s more romantic than a trustworthy partner? Kiss a tiger and know that, despite the fact they could horrifically maim or kill you, they’re making out with you Read more...

Lecturer Has Actually Used a Computer in The Past

Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Lecturer who can’t even get the projector to work swears that he “knows a lot about technology” and even claims to create his own PowerPoints. “I didn’t know what was happening,” Terrence Technophobe (PhD) told the Tribune. “Usually when I press that button Read more...

Philosophy Student Mistakenly Believes That Everyone at Party is Fascinated By Dead Greeks.

Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“He wouldn’t shut up,” said one unfortunate victim. “He kept talking about ‘Plato’s Allegory’. More like ‘Plato’s alle-snorey’.” Another partygoer said that nobody even knew who he was, and that he just appeared out from under the Read more...

Dumpy Plain Girl With Good Sense of Humour Wishes that More Guys Would Ask Her About Her Friends

Posted 8:39pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Local 24-year-old office admin assistant Stacey has recently confessed to sources that she would be having the time of her life in this pub, if only some more guys could befriend her and ask her about her thinner, blonder friend Laura. “It’s just really frustrating,” Stacey told Read more...

Gran’s New Reading Glasses Coming in Real Handy For Reading Jayden’s New All-Script Tattoo

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I know the kids are all getting the tattoos these days,” said 71-year-old Barbara. “And so when my grandson Jayden got one on his back, I thought ‘ooh! I need my glasses to see this’ so I went and put them on and I was touched to see a Bible passage.” Sources Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk

Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I remember it like it was yesterday. March 25, 2017. It was my boyfriend at the time’s birthday, and was I saving the best gift for last. After Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 20

Posted 8:32pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Not being able to sweat isn’t a personality, Aquarius. This week’s fashion icon: Bruce the Neopet. This week’s fashion faux pas: Crimped hair.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Everyone shits the bed at some point in their life, Pisces. Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine

Posted 8:23pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ring the wedding bells; I’m getting married. That’s right, I’ve found the one. Well, kind of. I don’t mean she’s as sexy as tequila or as good in bed as Jägermeister. She’s a far throw from my childhood love (RTDs, I miss you) but I'm a third year now, Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Posted 8:22pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Lindsay Lohan After hyping myself up to apply for the gay edition of Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 20

Posted 8:18pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week the ODT have some hard-hitting questions   Yes.   Next, Winston Peters’ mother has something to fucking say “No one apart from my son, Winston S. Peters, should be allowed to vote.” Winston was later heard saying, “Shuduuuup Mum, Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 19

Posted 2:49pm Monday 12th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week, the ODT is reporting on a miraculous occurrence. “MAGIC’S NOT REAL.” I cried into my pillow, insanely jealous.   The ODT have been getting really into classic children’s film Monsters Inc. (2001), directed by Pete Docter.Rude. Mike Wazowski is a Read more...

Communist East Dundas Opens New Student Pub, “We-Bar”

Posted 4:54pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The East Dundas soup line has a new competitor as students queue up to grab a pint from We-Bar for only 12,000 Breathamark (roughly converted to NZD $5). The new gastropub was unveiled by the Most Honourable Commander Härleen Veda Hajne herself, headlined by local bands “I’m So Read more...

Girl Resolves to Turn Over New Leaf With a Facemask and Goals During Sunday’s Comedown

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Michaela’s life has been falling apart this year. Uni has overwhelmed her, her GPA has slipped, her fitness regime has fallen off the perch and she’s been partying too hard. “I can change,” Michaela told sources recently. “I just need to have visions and goals and some Read more...

Postgrad Student Walks Back to Castle Street at 5pm to Move Car

Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Oh shit look at the time,” said local postgraduate student Patrick Glaze (24) as his alarm buzzed. “It’s almost 5pm and it’s getting dark. Those young hooligans will be pouring down Castle in their droves, destroying everything in their wake. I’d better go move Read more...

Local Woman Reckons She Would Fare Pretty Well In Prison

Posted 4:52pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

After binge watching the full series of Netflix's Jailbirds, 32-year-old Sara was recently overheard telling friends that she would be sweet as in jail. "I've got lots of tattoos and I'm quite big so I reckon nobody would mess with me," she declared. She figures that with her Read more...

Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Hospital

Posted 4:51pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

1. Try out the robots. There are robots everywhere. If you don’t know what they do, find out! Push some buttons, twist some knobs, who knows what that goddamned android will come up with! 2. Get a catheter. The place is lousy with nurses, and surely if you ask enough of them, one will be Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Tinder Threesome Taped to Telephone

Posted 4:47pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     It was a Wednesday like any other. It had been grey and wet all day, and something about the sound of rain on the roof of the chemistry building had me Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 19

Posted 4:39pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The stars are mourning the death of one of the gr8s, Toni Morrison. Honour your fellow Aquarius this week by reading one of her books. Or any book, even. This week’s meet up: Monday 10am, second floor Central, PS 3563 08749.   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Water

Posted 4:33pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Alcohol is great and all, but you know what’s better? Staying hydrated. The ol’ H20, baby. This one goes out to all you water lovers in the house tonight. Water was first invented by Speight’s in 1998. Fun fact, that spring water tap was actually created as an April Fools joke Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek

Posted 4:30pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Fiona As soon as I arrived on my exchange, I knew kiwi dick was Read more...

Student Led Lemonade Stand Forcibly Removed From Meridian Mall

Posted 8:22pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Duhamel Bosworth, CEO of Totally Legit Lemonade, was removed from mall grounds last weekend. When security asked Bosworth to present paperwork proving that his stall was permitted in the mall, he presented them with a handwritten note that was "super legit, absolutely real" and not written Read more...

Fucking Sick: Those Guys Just Kicked Over a Rubbish Bin

Posted 8:21pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Bro, fuck yeah. That shit is fucking hilarious. See the way it fell over? And all that garbage fell out? Fuck yeah. Broooo that pizza box just blew onto the road. Know what would be real funny? If someone had to pick all that shit up. Haha, fucking idiots. I bet the garbage dudes are gunna be Read more...

Innovative Marine Biology Major Installs Fish Nets in Leith River, Catches Rare Selection of Billy Mav Cans

Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Finn Jameson has been looking for a way to make his name known in the competitive world of marine biology, and he might just have caught his big break. Jameson’s thesis was about whether or not the sheer volume of breatha garbage in the Leith was forcing the marine life in the area to grow Read more...

Entire Witchcraft 102 Class Disintegrates After Surprise Rain On Fieldtrip

Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune

All students of Witchcraft 102: Hexes In Contemporary Society were reduced to ash after a shock shower last Thursday. “It’s an absolute tragedy. We had such a promising class of crones this year,” said the lecturer for the class, Ethel Turtleback. Miss Turtleback refused to Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 18

Posted 8:13pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The new moon left your relationship zone last week and it’s time to do some oversharing with acquaintances, strangers and work colleagues. This week’s crime: You let yourself down. It’s time to revenge porn yourself.   Pisces Feb 19 - Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Kahlúa

Posted 8:08pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought to yourself ‘I want a very, very mediocre cappuccino’ (and can’t be bothered walking to Good Earth)? When the urge strikes, I go straight to Kahlúa. Kahlúa is a coffee flavoured liqueur, for those of you who are Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Molly Mae and Maura

Posted 8:04pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Molly Mae It all started two weeks ago when Critic posted that they Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Ear Piercing Pegger

Posted 8:01pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     I had my bed against the wall of my flatmates room, and recently just got a girlfriend who is incredible in bed. Like dirty af, loves Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila

Posted 4:34am Friday 26th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

My dear readers, recently I found out some devastating news. Masterchef Australia has lost its three beautiful judges: George, Matt and Gary. For those of you that are fans of the beloved cooking show, this will come as a blow that may never be truly recovered from. With the weight of these Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Valliant Vomiter Vandalises Venue

Posted 1:24am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic

t was my 20th birthday. I was probably the most smashed I have ever been; to the point where I am legitimately surprised that I remembeIr this much. I went to town after a few too many brews (and far too many cones) with no ambition to go home with anyone, but once being introduced to this guy Read more...

Top 10 Reasons To Drink In Your 30s

Posted 1:09am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic

1. You watch your friends have kids and although you couldn't imagine anything worse, you start to realize the reason you don't want kids is because you grew up knowing that you were an annoying piece of shit that was a total hassle, so that's what kids mean to you now. 2. You hate Read more...

Mould Growing on Bathroom Ceiling Actually New Form of Cheese

Posted 6:02pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Fourth-year Human Nutrition student Emma Greenwood recently discovered that what she previously thought was deadly black mould is actually a delicious new form of cheese. She said, “My flatmate spilled a bottle of milk upstairs last semester, and we all kinda couldn’t be bothered to Read more...

Scarfie With Flaming Couch Tattoo Never Burned a Couch In His Life

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Third-year Biology student Thomas King has been showing off his latest tattoo, which depicts an iconic Otago University couch burning. However, new evidence has shown that King has never having actually burned a couch. Some have claimed that King’s tattoo is cultural appropriation, and that Read more...

First Year Philosophy Major Hospitalised After Thinking Too Hard

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last Friday, first-year Philosophy student Chase Hughes had to be rushed to the emergency room after he contemplated so hard that his brain exploded. Hughes’s flatmates gathered the loose pieces of cranium in an old Domino’s box and carried him to the hospital. After 12 hours of Read more...

Local Cowboy Severely Misunderstood 'Barnes Dance' Crossing

Posted 6:00pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Otago based yeehaw cattleman Arthur Mustang arrived at one of the centre city Barnes Dance crossings last week expecting a barn dance. Mustang waited for an hour before double-checking the details of the barn dance he was expecting. Mustang said "Well I'll be! I was standing at that Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Elton and Freddie

Posted 5:49pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Elton When I found out that I was gonna get to be part of the Read more...

ODT Watch | The Five Stages of Encountering A Small Penis

Posted 5:20pm Friday 19th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

1. You see the tiny beast, and are in immediate mourning for your genitalia     2. He puts it in and your worst fears are confirmed.     3. After a few thrusts, you’re warming up to the action, maybe there’s potential Read more...

Dunedin Crumbles to Nothingness as Steepest Street Cruelly Snatched Away

Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

This morning the rats fled the city. They swept past old men sobbing in gutters, and young children staring vacantly into the distance. They swept down the disappointing gradient of the-street-formerly-known-as-the-steepest-street-in-the-world and past the Mayor as he pleaded with the Guinness Read more...

Top 10 (Naughtiest) Things Heard Through The Dunedin Museum Whisper Dish

Posted 5:05pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

1. A lady asking to speak to the manager because of the service she received, but it’s actually Harlene Hayne asking to speak to God. 2. “You and your sister need to cut it out. The neighbours are getting concerned." 3. Adolf Hitler’s speech to the Reichstag on 30 Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Riding the Hershey Highway

Posted 5:04pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

As a gay man, it is always known that there is some "risk" involved when someone wants to ride the Hershey highway. This story from a few years ago always haunts me back when I begun being a pretentious slut. I was browsing the guys on more then one app looking for someone to have some fun Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 16

Posted 5:02pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mercury retrograde is nearly over. Chahoo. Make the most of it by moving the furniture around in your room. Show off to your flatmates when you are finished. This week’s old wives’ wisdom: pull out that grey hair and 5 more are gonna grow back. Trust Read more...

Booze Reviews: Bacardi White Rum

Posted 4:52pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Fuck me, but Bacardi White Rum can get it. It being my glazed doughnut genitalia, of course. This smooth, succulent motherfucker of a drink is more jam packed with accents of vanilla and almond than you can shake a baby at. It’s flavour-town, my dudes, and we’re going straight to the Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Issue 16

Posted 2:11am Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Part One: His Superdry shirt made me Superwet, so our entree was a Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 15

Posted 12:36am Friday 12th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

This week someone let the ODT read the thesaurus again…     Then a sage warning about an upcoming crisis:     We should all be mindful of World Juggling Day, specifically mindful of how to end this pagan sacrilege once and for all.   We Read more...

It's 2am and Your Stupid Loser Flatmate Won't Stop Getting High and Making Noise With His Shitty Lame Friends

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Looks like your flatmate, Sammy, is smoking weed again. That would be all well and good if somebody in this house didn't have work in the morning. When asked why he felt the need to make so much noise and smoke weed at 2am every night, Sammy replied "oh my God, shut the fuck up. Stop Read more...

Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt

Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...

Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...

Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions

Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Lady and The Tramp

Posted 6:12pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz     Lady On Thursday night, I was out livin’ my best life. I was Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Old Mout Cider

Posted 6:09pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

At some point in your university education, you will inevitably go through a cider phase. Most fools automatically reach for the bright, garish Scrumpy, but a few - the few who dare to dream bigger - will dip their toes into the sparkling waters of Old Mout Cider. Drinking Old Mout is what I imagine Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 15

Posted 6:07pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 An R18 Mr Whippy van, but for cum. It’s so crazy that it just might work. This week’s website: http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/   Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If you really want to pass HSFY, it’s Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | International Sexcapades

Posted 6:01pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

The downside of dating an international exchange student is that whatever meaningful connection you’ve made has a 5-month expiry date (assuming you met at the start of semester) because long-distance relationships are like the lie you tell yourself on a dusty Tuesday morning after blacking out Read more...

Top 10 Worst Messages I’ve Gotten From Straight Boys on Tinder

Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic

1. “Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.” 2. “I want to nibble ever so slightly on your lower rib-cage.” 3. “I would call you beautiful, but beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been in there yet.” 4. “I want you to sit on Read more...

CDs “Still Valuable and Relevant” Says Hipster Too Poor for Vinyl

Posted 11:17pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Local unbearable fuckhead Greg Brookes won’t shut the fuck up about how his CD collection is “just as good as vinyl, if not better”. He also claims that streaming is “totally garbage, man. Music isn’t the same if it’s not physical”. Brookes spends his Read more...

Violent Turf War Between Botans and Woodhaugh Yoga Groups Has Zero Casualties

Posted 11:15pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The weekly yoga groups based in the Botanical Gardens and the Woodhaugh Gardens recently had a dramatic spat over who owns the North Ground rugby pitch. The Chief Yoga Instructor of the Woodhaugh Sun Children, Daniel “Spirit Beetle” Rogers, said, “yeah, it was an intense battle. Read more...

Aging Post-Grad Student Replaces Critic Centrefold with ‘Live, Laugh, Learn’ Poster

Posted 11:10pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Jennifer Rackford, 23, has removed the only remaining Critic centrefold blu-tak’d to her wall. According to her flatmates, Rackford has been slowly taking down her collection of centrefolds ever since her last birthday. When asked why she removed the original ‘Fuckboys of Read more...

That Classmate You Added on Facebook Won’t Stop Sharing Anime Memes

Posted 11:09pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yep, we’re in this situation again. It turns out that guy who you’ve been sharing notes with is a massive weeb. Now that you’ve accepted his request, classes would be awkward if you delete him. Your classmate won’t stop using the term ‘uwu’ and you’re not Read more...

Top 10 Reasons the Dundas Street Bridge Construction Has Been Delayed

Posted 11:08pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

1. They found archeological remains of basic girls from 2016 - Karen Walker, Stipes, Huffer Puffers and all 2. The construction crew were “ceebs” about the whole process 3. Charlene Chainz wanted to perform a private show 4. There was a large infestation of eels 5. Fergie Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Punished by the Priest

Posted 11:07pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

It was a beautiful summer’s day, so me and my girlfriend (now ex) decided to take a lovely stroll in the public gardens. We looked like a fairly cute, lovey-dovey couple. Unfortunately, what started as a wholesome and pure date ended in me securing my place eternally in hell. My girlfriend Read more...

Horoscopes | Issue 14

Posted 11:04pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re-O week beckons, as does Mercury in retrograde. To cleanse yourself and readjust the domestic energies, buy a stick of sage and burn it around the house. Its strong aromatic properties will help disguise the fact your mouldy piece of shit flat has been shut up Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Midori

Posted 11:01pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Okay, so basically Midori is some green-as-shit melon-flavoured liquor. Remember that gummy bear song on YouTube? This bitch-ass drink is the living embodiment of reliving your childhood of dry humping soft toys and listening to the Annoying Orange while your parents got a divorce in the Read more...


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