Thousands of people in the Southern Region were left without internet access on Wednesday 16 April following an incident of a rodent chewing through a fibre cable after being radicalised into an anarcho-primitivist agenda through a mix of “hot Leninist goths” and “Into the Wild edits” on TikTok.
In an exclusive interview with Critical Tribune, the rat – communicating through a Green Party activist and self-proclaimed social justice warrior via a form of Ratatouille-esque control while hiding under a faded Butter cap – was adamant that “everytime the University redesigns Blackboard they make it worse as a form of psychological warfare on freedom” and that “the system is out to get us”. Post-interview, the rat was last seen listening to The Smashing Pumpkins and mansplaining the commodification of grunge music to a group of freshers trying to get free drinks.
Reaching out to the University for comment on the situation, the University Clocktower told Critical Tribune that “there will be more updates about expected further updates, in which the details will be explained in an initial update. Expect anywhere between 6 and 10 emails about limiting your wifi use to essential activities such as emailing 20,000 students 6 times.
Critical Tribune will update you on any further developments.