Critic went homemade this week. After last week’s adventure tackling a box of Hard Rated Alcoholic Lemon and some questionable decisions to attend an uneventful but expensive night in the Octagon, Critic’s alcohol budget was blown on unnecessary Ubers, vodka sodas, and a guilty attempt at a Fruber. The spree has left us in a worse financial state than your parents when you asked for an Xbox 360 mid-fall-out of the 2008 financial crisis (unless you’re a fresher, then you were probably two-years-old).
So, in this state, we decided to combine with the food column (look left), in a move that was essentially equivalent to Gin Swigmore asking to be transferred $2 on Splitwise for those dishwasher tablets you bought three weeks ago. They opted for making a Toblerone cocktail, a dessert cocktail so sweet and sexy that my mouth was watering when my buddy set it before me.
The drink was originally named the Triangular cocktail, inspired by the shape of Toblerone (must have taken hours to come up with). It was eventually renamed simply to Toblerone after what Critic imagines was an attempted cancellation by a millennial Buzzfeed writer after they learned what the Triangular trade was. Either way, any detail of the history of the drink flew out the window after one sip.
Hozier would have a manic episode over this beverage (he likes his whiskey neat). It’s powered by honey syrup and chocolate to the point that the alcohol isn’t noticeable. Much like the Mudshakes you slammed as a 16-year-old, the Toblerone tastes like a sweet creamy fuckery that makes a singular drink feel like two or three cheat meals. Seriously, this motherfucker is loaded with more sugar than the cumulative Chupa Chup consumption of the last ten years of Hyde Street parties. It’s so rich that it gives off that warm feeling of indulgence of a Glasshouse candle or that mysterious amount of gold that ended up in Swiss banks in the ’30s and ’40s.
The Toblerone is the perfect drink to unwind after speaking over your tutors and demonstrating how ‘smart’ you are by answering every question – rhetorical and otherwise. Plus you get to mansplain what Frangelico is to your flatmates and then tell them about your annual family holiday skiing in the Swiss alps. It’s hard work being everybody's favourite person – treat yourself. On a more forgiving note, I’m definitely going to be swapping a tub of ice cream for a Toblerone the next time I need a sweet treat to cry into. And with exams right round the corner, I’m just glad to still have the leftover ingredients in my pantry.
Pairs well with: Experimenting with chocolate milk and vodka
X factor: Feels like you're giving a block of chocolate a rim job every time you take a sip.
Hangover depression level: 1/10. More like coming down from a sugar high
Taste rating: 9/10. Carousel would charge $22 for this.