Pisces
Don't eat that yogurt that has been sitting in your fridge since the start of uni. You have created a new kind of bacteria that will either make dicks double in length or kill someone. While fun and awesome, it's kind of gross.
Your joint to crack: Neck
Libra
Libra, your time has come to bask in the glory of actually being sociable, and fuck is it overwhelming. You need to train your social battery one day at a time, you can't go from being a hermit to being the life of the party in one night.
Your joint to crack: Whole spine
Aries
Don't do drugs this week. I sense a random drug test in your future that, at this point in time, will definitely fail. Lay off the gear and ket, stick to booze!
Your joint to crack: Shoulder/collar bone
Sagittarius
The stars are aligning in a bad way for you this week. You'll run out of deodorant just before a big presentation and you'll get a parking ticket that will clean your bank account out. But hey, on the bright side you don't have to pay for it for a few weeks.
Your joint to crack: Toes (ya bunions)
Aquarius
This week all your classes will be cancelled but you don't read your uni emails so you will show up to every single one. It's okay, you won't be alone – the other Aquariuss will be there with you.
Your joint to crack: Thumbs!
Scorpio
Try and be in as many public spaces as you can this week, you're going to see some absolutely amazing and entertaining drama. It might be a couple having a huge crashout in the Link or a skater falling off their board while doing a trick outside ADJØ. Either way, it's gonna be good.
Your joint to crack: Ankles
Cancer
Not everything has a deep subliminal message that you need to decode. Sometimes a text should just be taken at face value. But this week you will spend many hours psychoanalyzing conversations, texts, even emails from your lecturers about how eReserve is broken.
Your joint to crack: Knees
Leo
This week you will unintentionally start a huge rumour that will make it back to your hometown. So make sure it's a good one, give those gossiping mums something really good to chew on.
Your joint to crack: N/A
Capricorn
Capricorn, this week you will have an idea that will revolutionise your whole uni experience. Dont be pessimistic about it – it’s gonna be awesome as fuck, you just have to wait for it to come!
Your joint to crack: Upper knuckle
Taurus
This week will be full of arguments and you feeling like an asshole, even though you're correct. It's okay to feel like an asshole, just don't be one. Sometimes you have to let the underdog (everyone else) know what it feels like to be as awesome as you.
Your joint to crack: Big toe
Virgo
You promised yourself you were going to take it easy, but unfortunately it's not going to happen this week. You will start planning how you're going to relax but that is potentially less relaxing than everything you had going on before.
Your joint to crack: Hips
Gemini
You will accidentally start a conversation you regret immediately. Whether it's with a random person or a flatmate, you had better go into every conversation this week with an escape route or two.
Your joint to crack: Jaw